Nicola Sturgeon is outside the door of the Scotland teams dressing room before the England game.
She is in the midst of a discreet conversation with the manage Steve Clarke. As she speaks, she ticks off her fingers.
STURGEON
So, you gave them the special porridge for breakfast?
CLARKE
Just like you said, made with two cups of oats, two cups of Irn Bru and two tablespoons of salt.
STURGEON
What did they eat on the bus?
CLARKE
Tunnocks Tea Cakes and Mc Cowans Highland toffee as you ordered.
STURGEON
Did they watch the special video I commissioned?
CLARKE
Yes, it was Braveheart up to the point that he sacked York and then it went straight to the fight between Rab Roy and The Fop where Rab kills him by holding his sword.
STURGEON
Excellent and did you go over the Glencoe Massacre?
CLARKE hesitates slightly.
CLARKE
We did but apparently Kevin Nisbet the wee striker we have is a bit of a history buff . He pointed out that it was over 300 years ago and that only 30 were killed which in the scheme of things...
STURGEON
Never mind the scheme of things they were murdered by Tories isn't that enough?
CLARKE
Actually, he pointed out that it was Scottish forces that...
STURGEON
Typical man, fa f**ks sake It want a jab doing gan on do it yerself!
STURGEON opens the door and goes into the dressing room and the team are half naked.
STURGEON
You've got nothing I haven't seen before
VOICE FROM BACK
Does that mean its true about you and the Krankies?
The whole team snigger .
STURGEON
Listen lads on a serious note, I need you to beat these bastards and beat them hard. Now I won't step on Steve's toe's about your set up .
CLARKE
Thank you for that ma'am
STURGEON Then looks around to ensure no one else is listening as she calls the players almost into a huddle.
STURGEON
But let's just say that anyone falling down in their box would be doing us all a favour.
PLAYER
Why is that ma'am ? Is there specific reasoning behind...
STURGEON gives the PLAYER a nasty glance.
STURGEON
I take it you're Nisbet?
NISBET NODS
STURGEON
Anyway, the VAR guy or should I say person as they're in mid transition is a French Muslim. On top of that they're hoping to get a place at Edinburgh Uni to do their doctorate in Humanity Studies. So I think we can safely say that side of things is covered
The team are all giggling at the fix being in and then STURGEON calls them in even closer as she stands on the bench and holds out her arms.
STURGEON
Now let's all just have a wee roar!
The entire dressing room and STURGEON break out into roaring .
ENGLAND DRESSING ROOM
SOUTHGATE is addressing the team and they all look pissed off.
RASHFORD
Does he have to come in? I swear to god I feel like punching him
HENDERSON
If anyone's punching him it should be me, I'm the captain and I've never hit a Prime Minister before.
VOICE FORM THE BACK
You'd probably miss
Everyone except HENDERON giggles.
BORIS JOHNSON'S head then pops around the door. He then enters in his best jovial blag.
JOHNSON
You all decent? If you are its more than I am.
The whole team are silent but then JORDAN HENDERSON clenches his fists and goes to stand up.
CALVERT LEWIN pulls him back.
CALVERT LEWIN
Sit down dickhead.
JOHNSON
I'll keep it brief as it's the wrong shaped ball for me and all that. I was going to give a bit of the old Agincourt caper, but I know you're all state educated so.
JOHNSON then stands on a bench and grabs his lapels Churchill style
JOHNSON
"It's fierce, an' it's wild, an' it's not bothered about anybody, not even about me right. And that's why it's great."
The team all look at each other in bewilderment.
JOHNSON
Come on its from Kes, you all know Kes you lot, surely.
RASHFORD
What is it you want?
JOHNSON
Just to let you boys know that we're all behind you
SOUTHGATE
Erm Prime Minster if you like you could watch the game from the dug out?
JOHNSON
Nice try Gareth if I went into a bunker for this one even the Daily Mail would murder me.
No I'd best get back out and give a hand with the booing once you lot take the knee.
