SAGA LOUTS
A lovely summers day at a small garden centre & café on a lovely winding country road in Dorset.
The owner BIG EDDY is showing the new lad GORDON how to pot plants when LITTLE EDDY runs in shouting with delight.
LITTLE EDDY
Dad, dad there's two full SAGA coaches pulling in!
GORDON is clearly alarmed.
GORDON
Be careful we always had them at my last place. They never buy anything they just take clippings. If you catch them, they just act stupid so that the police won't touch them!
BIG EDDY is rubbing his hands as he speaks.
BIG EDDY
That's why you're last place shut down son You have to know you're onions in this game.
BIG EDDY then nods to ITTLE EDDY who gets a step ladder and takes down a box marked SAGA LOUTS from an overhead shelf.
LITTLE EDDY
Me and Gordon can do the signs dad and you do the menu.
BIG EDDY goes into the café. There is a large blackboard with the heading KARMA CAFÉ under that is a chalk written menu. BIG EDDY wipes off all the prices on the menu and puts new ones up.
Outside LITTLE EDDY is showing GORDON where to put signs .
The two coaches pull in and about 120 pensioners head straight into the Garden Centre and start clipping away like termites convinced that nobody can see them. They avoid the café and shop like the plague.
GORDON is livid.
GORDON
You can't let them do that Eddy that's stealing that is!
BIG EDDY
Its ok I can still sell the plants
GORDON
That's not the point they need to be taught a lesson.
BIG EDDY
Oh that comes in about ten minutes
BIG EDDY then nods to LITTLE EDDY who runs in a crouch over to the coaches.
The SAGA LOUTS then leave waving to BIG EDDY as they do so. like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.
As the last one goes BIG EDDY springs into action ordering GORDON around.
BIG EDDY
Get the tea urn and the boiler going and the percolators please mate.!
GORDON has no idea what's going on? So, he just follows the task.
LITTLE EDDY then smiles as he brings out three large trays of little cactus all marked £4 he puts them by the till.
The next minute the SAGA LOUTS are back having been told by their drivers that their coaches have broken down and they may have to wait up to four hours for the company mechanics and tow trucks to turn up.
Half the SAGA Louts troop into the café and start moaning.
LOUTS VARIOUS
"Look at the prices the robbing swines!"
"£4 for a cup of bloody tea, I'd rather have one out my flask"
"So would I "
One LOUT then shouts out to the whole room.
LOUT
Look at that!
The LOUT points to a sign that reads:
NO FOOD OR DRINK OTHER THAN ITEMS BOUGHT ON THESE PREMISES MAY BE CONSUMED.
At this point all the LOUTS start grumbling as they put their sandwiches and flasks back in their bags.
In the shop a long line of LOUTS has formed by the toilets after being told that they can't use the coach one while its stationary .
Above the toilet door is the sign TOILETS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY and everyone in the queue is holding a small cactus with a £4 price tag.
LOUTS VARIOUS
"It's the only thing they have under five quid and I needed the loo
"It's two bobs worth at best, I had to get one I wouldn't mind I've been constipated all week and now it shifts and I have to fork out four quid
"I wouldn't give one and six for it round our way the robbing bastards"
GORDON smiles as he speaks to BIG EDDY
GORDON
The cafes full and the shops sold out of cactus and all that's left is over 5 quid if they want the toilet now . What a stroke of luck that was both those coaches breaking down!
BIG EDDY
I wouldn't go that far, be a good lad and go and take the spuds out the coaches exhaust pipes would you please we need this lot out the way as there will be another load in an hour or so. So I need to get the urns refilled and the tables wiped down.
GORDON
I'm going to love it here !
