Goth!

I'm not too sure about this one! Any help anyone can offer would be most appreciated!

Q

Scene 1. Int. Living Room [21:52]

ANNABELLES PARENTS ARE SITING IN THE LIVING ROOM, HER DAD IS READING THE NEWSPAPER AND HER MUM IS SEWING. ANNABELLE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. SHE IS DRESSED AS A GOTH.

MUM
Where the hell have you been, we told you to be back by nine, it’s almost ten o’clock and why weren’t you answering your phone?

ANNABELLE
I just lost track of time-deal with it!

DAD
Don’t you dare speak to your mother like that. I’ve had enough of your attitude young lady, you’re grounded. Now go to your room and I don’t want to see you until you’re ready to apologise.

ANNABELLE STANDS UP AND STOMPS OUT OF THE ROOM.

ANNABELLE
Fine! Anything to get away from you. You don’t understand me at all-I hate you!

ANNABELLE SLAMS THE LIVING ROOM DOOR BEHIND HER

Scene 2. Int. Annabelle’s Bedroom [21:53]

ANNABELLE PUTS A HEAVY METAL SONG ON FULL BLAST ON HER STEREO

Scene 3. Int. Living Room [21:53]

THE SOUND OF LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC CAN BE HEARD FROM ANNABELLES BEDROOM

DAD
I wish she wouldn’t listen to that awful music, and why does it have to be so loud-goodness knows what the neighbours think.

Scene 2. Int. Annabelle’s Bedroom [21:53]

ANNABELLE IS PUTTING HER EARPHONES IN AND SEARCHING THROUGH HER IPOD. EVENTUALLY SHE STOPS ON STEPS AND DANCES ALONG TO THE SONG DOING THE ACTUAL DANCE ROUTINE FOR THE SONG SHE IS HEARING THROUGH HER HEADPHONES WHILST HER HEAVY METAL MUSIC IS BLARING THROUGH THE HOUSE.

END

Quite a clever little play off, but if you were really sctrict with writing you could cut this down to her stomping upstairs and then playing music instead of the beginning bit which is a massive lead up. To a simple punchline.

It's Good but I'd cut it down a little make it snappier and get to the point, as it were.

Thanks Gavin-I totally agree. I thought this one was a bit too wordy but you know what it's like when you've written something, sometimes it's hard to see the obvious. Thank you so much for the feedback-I'm definatly going to take your advice. Thanks again

Q

Like the idea. I think it needs a little more. It didn't feel finished to me.

A nice idea, i liked the dialogue. However would dad really be reading the newspaper at that time and the mother sewing? Wouldn't they be watching
'Ramsays Kitchen Nightmares'?

Scene 1. Int. Living Room [21:52]

ANNABELLES PARENTS ARE SITING IN THE LIVING ROOM, HER DAD IS READING THE NEWSPAPER AND HER MUM IS SEWING. ANNABELLE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. SHE IS DRESSED AS A GOTH.

MUM
Where the hell have you been, we told you to be back by nine, it’s almost ten o’clock and why weren’t you answering your phone?

ANNABELLE
I just lost track of time-deal with it!

DAD
Don’t you dare speak to your mother like that. I’ve had enough of your attitude young lady, you’re grounded. Now go to your room and I don’t want to see you until you’re ready to apologise.

ANNABELLE STANDS UP

ANNABELLE
Fine! Anything to get away from you. You don’t understand me at all-I hate you!

ANNABELLE SLAMS THE LIVING ROOM DOOR BEHIND HER AND CAN BE HEARD RUNNING UP THE STAIRS

MUM
Baton down the hatches

DAD
A five, four, three, two, one

THE SOUND OF A MOTIVATIING PARTY POLITICAL SPEECH CAN BE HEARD BOOMING FROM ANNABELLES BEDROOM

MUM
It all sounds the same to me

DAD
Yip, same song different hymn sheet

Is that a viable alternative ending with a twist? plus an added political dig for those who know nowt about politics (thats me) aside the fact that in a quest to feather their own nests they do more harm than good. POWER = CORRUPTION
POWER TO THE PEOPLE?