Who's a Purdey Boy Then?

A Scouser in an Everton top walks into a 200 year old gunsmiths in Oxford.

SCOUSER
Alright mate how are doing? I'm on the lookout for a set of matching Purdeys. Under and over if possible.

OWNER
Well, sir certainly has an eye for quality of that there is not doubt, it's just that I detected a slight accent?

SCOUSER
I'm from Liverpool but I support Everton if you get what I mean?

OWNER
Yes quite , its just that I erm.

SCOUSER
Oh I'm sorry the accent. No my good fellow rest assured that I have a licence . Furthermore not only am I a responsible owner or at this juncture should we be saying 'Potential' owner? Especially given that we have yet to negotiate a price. But for the record I'm also an accomplished skeet shooter. And without sounding slightly immodest I was due to join the Olympic team only I injured myself at base camp on Kilimanjaro of all places. Kismet eh.

OWNER
Oh I see

The owner then takes out a rosewood box with a rich green interior containing two immaculate shotguns and indicate for the Scouser to peruse and handle them. The Scouser does so with a degree of expertise and then takes two cartridges out of his pocket loads the shotgun snaps it shut and points it at the owner as he speaks.

SCOUSER
Right where's in the safe dickhead

OWNER
But you said .. and you ... Kilimanjaro... all so plausible and ...

SCOUSER
What can I tell you? You're best sticking to trusting stereotypes they're there for a reason .

I like this.
I think you shouldn't use the word 'stereotype' early in the sketch - save it for the end.
Reminds me of a sketch I wrote yonks ago for the sketch comp...

A RESPECTABLE MIDDLE AGED MAN WALKS UP TO A SUBURBAN FRONT DOOR. HE RINGS THE DOORBELL.
THE LETTER-BOX FLIPS OPEN AND AN OLD LADY ANSWERS FROM WITHIN.

OLD LADY: ID!

MAN: Pardon?

OLD LADY: I need some ID

MAN: It's John.

OLD LADY: John who?

MAN: John Clayton. (Pause) Your son.

OLD LADY: I still need some ID

MAN: Look , Mother, don't be ridiculous - just let me in.

OLD LADY: Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you. Come waltzing in, rifle through me knick-knacks, make off with the housekeeping, then leave a No.2 on the Axminster.

MAN: I paid for that carpet, Mother. Now let me in!
OLD LADY: Passport, driving licence - I'm not fussy.

MAN: Look, Mother, I understand that, at your age, you want to be careful who you let in the house...

OLD LADY: You said it, "John"- or whatever your name is. The other day some kid comes in, says he's the gasman and makes off with me cooker.

MAN: Yes. And put in a new one - he was the Gas Man. I booked him because you blew up the old one.

OLD LADY: Any distinguishing features?

MAN: You know I have - you're my mother.

OLD LADY: Where, then?

MAN: (Resigned) I have a small triangular strawberry mark on my left buttock.

OLD LADY: Prove it.

MAN: Mother!

OLD LADY: Drop 'em.

MAN: (To himself) For f**k's sake.

HE DROPS HIS TROUSERS, LOWERS HIS BOXER SHORTS AND SHOVES HIS ARSE UP AGAINST THE LETTER-BOX.

OLD LADY: Up a bit, left a bit...

SUDDENLY THE MAN STANDS UP AND YELPS, NURSING HIS OBVIOUSLY PAINFUL ARSE.

MAN: What the Hell was that?

OLD LADY: DNA sample...only takes a couple of seconds...hang on, it's coming through...

THE FRONT DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN.

OLD LADY : Alright, I suppose you'd better come in.

THE TWO CONFRONT EACH OTHER. THE OLD LADY IS HORRIFIED.

OLD LADY: You're not John...!

THE MAN PULLS OUT A SHOTGUN.

MAN: Too right, Grandma. You want to be a bit more careful who you let through the door, dontcha! Now, where's that rug, I'm busting for a shit.

Good point I'll drop that . Yours was very good only I dropped into reading it with Terry Jones voice as the mother and it gave the script a Pythonesque feel as well. So I reread an it and enjoyed it for what it was.
I do that when I read I imagine voices that's why I adore Rigsby and Groucho. In the one were he is dressing up as the grey lady and he says 'He's alright it here wait til he gets outside under the 60 watt bulb" I would kill to write a line like that and kill more to have it delivered in such a fashion.

I think 'fantasy casting' when writing is essential, if you want a consistent voice. I do it in screenplays all the time.

I did do a reply but it doesn't seem to have worked. Anyway it was just to say that thank god someone else does it as I thought I'd gone nuts. I did that change with stereotype and jigged the punch and its better for it so thanks.

Quote: Lazzard @ 3rd June 2021, 6:36 PM

I think 'fantasy casting' when writing is essential, if you want a consistent voice. I do it in screenplays all the time.

View original

I definitely do that. Although it can be detrimental: if I think of sketch dialogue in certain people's voices, then I immediately start finding everything funny!

Love your sketch, Lazzard. This line is beautifully weighted:

"Rifle through me knick-knacks, make off with the housekeeping, then leave a No.2 on the Axminster."

Ta!