INSTRUCTOR: Right, the next and final part of the selection process is going to be the most brutal. It has to be, if you can't handle what's thrown at you here, then you won't f**king survive in this role. Is that clear? Because this is what you're going to encounter on a regular basis if you get selected. So get f**king used to it. Number seven step forward. This is a Kevlar stab vest, it will save your life, you need to get used to wearing it, it will be an essential part of your daily kit. Understood?
No. 7: Yes staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Good, now get it on and get over there. Staff B will play the aggressor, he will have a six inch steel hunting knife, and he will be trying to kill you. You have ninety seconds to defend yourself and save your life before help comes. Understood?
No. 7: Yes staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay, Staff B, attack!
STAFF B HURTLES TOWARD NO. 7 STABBING AND SLASHING VIOLENTLY
STAFF B: Aaaaargh, die you f**king bastard!
No. 7: Aaaargghh, ouch, ooh, aah, yelp, uuuurghh, ooouch, ooooh, aargh...(continued for 90 secs)
INSTRUCTOR: Okay stop! Right, number seven are you still alive?
N0. 7: (weakly) Er, I'm not sure.
INSTRUCTOR: Get the f**k up! Yes you are! Why? Because of your protective clothing and because of your training! This kit has saved your miserable life number seven. As it will if you are selected for the role. And don't you f**king forget it.
No.7: No staff, er yes staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay, f**k off and get changed. If you have any cuts or bruises the doctor will sort you out. Right, Number two, step forward. Number two, Staff B is going to attack you with a chair for ninety seconds. Your stab vest is not going to help you so you will need to deploy the self defence skills we have taught you. Is that understood?
No. 2: Yes staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Good, get the f**k over there! Okay, Staff B, attack!
STAFF B PICKS UP A WOODEN CHAIR AND SMASHES IT OVER N0. 2's HEAD
No. 2: Aaaaaaarggghh!
NEXT DAY
INSTRUCTOR: Right, the time has come to tell you who has passed the selection process and will be going forward into their new roles. Number five step forward. Well done, number five, you have passed selection.
No. 5: Thank you staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Number two!
No. 2: (weakly) Uurh?
INSTRUCTOR: Stay where you are number two, you did not pass selection.
No. 2: SIGHS WITH HEARTY RELIEF
INSTRUCTOR: Number seven, step forward.
No 7: Ah, ooh, ouch.
INSTRUCTOR: Well done number seven, you have passed selection.
No. 7: Ooh! Er I mean thank you staff.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay, well done you two, you should be f**king proud of yourselves. See me in my office in ten minutes.
TEN MINUTES LATER
INSTRUCTOR: Right you two, here are your deployments. Applicant number five, Miss Stephenson, you will be teaching year twos, and applicant number seven, Miss Lang you'll be teaching year ones. Registration is at eight forty five and assembly at nine. Any questions?