Yeah! C**tgtasulazioningd to Tiggy and wwwwwwwh for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Tiggy, Wwwwwh 3
Firkin 2
Alfred J Kipper, me 1
Next slapperjack: Technology.
Leg closed: 7.2.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
7 1 Wwwwwh
5 2 Tiggy
4.5 3 Firkin
2.5 4 Otterfox
2 5 Gappy, Playfulllllllllllll
1 6 Thief of bad gags, me, Alfred J Kipper
Only two votes for me last time, I think, unless we're saying Tiggy voted for me twice.
I've written an article to warn people about social network addiction. You can find it on Facebook, Twitter, Sype, LinkedIn, LinkedInPlus, Googleplus, WhatsApp, Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, Googleplusplus, QQ, YY, Wechat, Qzone, Baidu Tieba, Viber, Vine, Line, vk.com, Xing, Youtube, Renren, Snapchat, Twoo, Meetup, Secret, Medium, MySpace, Reddit, Flickr, Sina Weibo, BBM, Kakaotalk and Telegram.
You never know who your friends really are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list. What I hate on Facebook are events pages with 'Who's going.' Takes all the fun out of stalking, doesn't it?... This f**king bollocks over Facebook privacy always cracks me up. Take a selfie having a wank in the morning - Cheese! - then shit yourself over privacy. What dick heads we are. It's like David Beckham saying, 'Does anyone know I'm bonking Victoria? Keep shtum on that one...' Actually, my wife's forbidden me from watching any more Spice Girls videos. I'm on cockdown... And I hate this f**king Facebook bollocks, 'Think of three things you like every day for thirty days and life will smile at you.' No it f**king won't. How the f**k can I think of three things I like every day for thirty days? There are only five Spice Girls. I wouldn't get through the weekend. And even if I did, it'd still be Monday afterwards. So f**k you... You know what I f**king hate about this '6 f**king truths about you'? It's always so f**king positive. No matter how big a c**t you are, they always make it NICE. You could have Adolf Hitler up there: 'You are a strong personality. You know what you think and aren't afraid to convince others. Genocide your thang? Go for it dude, you're f**king AWESOME.'
I tried computer dating, but I don't find computers attractive. I dated a frog, but it wasn't Kermitted. I dated an italic, but it wasn't my type. I dated One Direction, but they're c**ts... I tried to open a Twitter account, but I can't get a handle on it. I tried to open an old social network, but I need My Space. I tried to talk to One Direction, but they're c**ts.
I read on Youtube, 'One Direction, High Quality.' I thought, No they're not. C**ts.
My wife uses Trojans, anti-virus and anti-hackers. Methinks the lady doth protect too much.
My computer must be hungry. It has 12 mega-bites.
Forum on Christmas cake, treacle and pudding. Some threads may be sticky.
Why did Santa's helper buy a camera? To take an elfie.
You must buy those awesome tools for connecting appliances to sockets. Sorry, that's a plug.
Quote: wwwwwh @ 30th January 2021, 9:22 AMOnly two votes for me last time, I think, unless we're saying Tiggy voted for me twice.
The fortnightly arrival of Michael's random scores is what keeps this game truly fresh after all these years.
BRIAN: You wanted to see me, Gladys?
GLADYS: Strange thing to say after the main course, but, yes I did, Brian. As your publicist, I've realised there's a whole media tentacle you've not yet grasped, which could connect you to the world through myriad silky strands of creamy, creamy publicity.
BRIAN: You enjoyed the spaghetti calamari, I take it.
GLADYS: Don't change the subject. My point it, you've got to get yourself on Twitter, Brian.
BRIAN: Alright, you're the boss.
GLADYS: Great. So, the first thing you need is a name - a Twitter handle, as they call it.
BRIAN: OK. I'll just be @BrianCox.
GLADYS: Well, that one's gone. It's quite a common name.
BRIAN: Alright, how about @The Real Brian Cox?
GLADYS: Nope, also taken.
BRIAN: That's not fair, because I am the real him.
GLADYS: Again, I think other Brian Coxes might feel the same. Try to be more specific.
BRIAN: Brian Cox Astrophysicist?
GLADYS: Err...no, gone.
BRIAN: The Real Brian Cox Astrophysicist.
GLADYS: Gone. I think they're both kind of pretending to be you.
BRIAN: Is that legal?
GLADYS: Must be.
BRIAN: Alright, time to up the game. The Real Brian Cox, The Physicist Off Of The Telly.
GLADYS: That one's definitely there.
BRIAN: What?
GLADYS: Another parody account. It's got 5 million followers. Funny, because they've only ever published one tweet.
BRIAN: Which was?
GLADYS: "Oooh, nebulae".
BRIAN: That's cool! Can I retweet it?
GLADYS: Well, not yet, we still need an account name. And, before you ask, @Actually Honestly The Real Brian Cox has gone, as has @No, Seriously, This Is Actually Honestly The Real Brian Cox, and @Don't Listen To Those Guys, It's Me, The Real Brian Actual Cox.
BRIAN: Blimey. Alright, let's bring out the big guns. @The 100% Real Bona Fide Famous Astrophysicist Called Brian Cox, It's Definitely Me, My Favourite Colour Is Chartreuse And My Favourite One Out Of Take That Is Jason Orange, And How Could I Know All That If I Weren't Me?
GLADYS: Nah, that's already an account. Twice.
BRIAN: How can it be there twice?
GLADYS: One of them spelt Cox differently. [BEAT] Shall I tell you how?
BRIAN: No, I think I can guess, thank you.. Right, this is the one, then. @Brian Cox, CBE FRS, Born 3rd March 1968, English Physicist Who Serves As Professor-
GLADYS: -For Particle Physics and Astronomy In The University Of Manchester. Yep, that's the oldest one on there, been around since 2004.
BRIAN: But...that's a year before I took the professorship!
GLADYS: You think that's weird? It's 2 years before Twitter was invented.
BRIAN: Right. Well, we're stumped then.
GLADYS: Well...you could always fall back on @D:Ream Keyboards.
BRIAN: Will I never be free of that? Alright, if I must.
GLADYS: Good, because I've already registered you. And, look, I've done your first tweet for you. You'll like it, it's clever. It says "Things will only get Twitter"!
BRIAN: [DEJECTED] Oh, nebulae.
I went to Currys in Dagenham and said to the assistant
I'm looking for some headphones but I don't want those "In ear " Ones
She said well go somewhere else then.
Zoom Meeting
A woman in nothing but a pair of glasses is speaking to a host of other people who are sat in front of their screens naked.
A man then appears on screen in a shirt and tie.
He looks at the others and is horrified as he speaks .
MAN
"I am so sorry Madam chairman I really am, I was just...,"
The man then ends the call
The woman in the glasses continues speaking.
WOMAN
"I'm sorry about that. As I was saying we here at the Naturist Society"
TWO MEN ON A SQUASH COURT.
TOM:
Four all, so this is the deciding match. Who will be crowned champion?
DAN:
Yes indeed! Who will be the ace of the court; the king of the asphalt?
TOM:
If your performance is as bad as that sentence you haven't a hope.
DAN:
What do you mean?
TOM:
It would have been far more aurally pleasing if you'd said, 'the ace of the asphalt' and 'the king of the court.'
DAN:
Well, it's a good job we're not hitting words around the court then.
TOM:
Okay, enough of the small talk. What are we playing for?
DAN:
You. Amazing house, beautiful wife, dream job. If I win I'm going to be you.
TOM:
How are you planning on accomplishing that?
DAN:
Someone once said if you want something, all you need is the technology to do it.
TOM:
Who said that?
DAN:
Someone I'd say.
TOM:
I think youre getting it mixed up with JFK who said if you want to accomplish something all you need is the will to do it.
DAN:
No, it was definitely 'the technology' and it was definitely someone that said it.
TOM:
Okay Mr. Tech, what do we do if there's a contentious point? There's a lot at stake. We'll need technology to make the big decisions.
DAN:
It's an important sporting event, we'll just ring Hawkeye.
TOM:
You can't ring Hawkeye.
DAN:
Sure we can. He's mainly used in tennis and hurling, both summer sports. He wouldn't be busy this time of year.
TOM:
Alright so, do you have his number?
DAN:
Would you believe I don't.
TOM:
I would definitely believe that. So what do we do, shout out and hope he shows up?
DAN:
I've got an even worse idea. What does Hawkeye do - beeps in tennis and gives a 'Ta' or 'Nil' or 'Yes' or 'No' in hurling.
TOM:
So we go around making beeping sounds and saying Ta and Nil in the hopes of drawing him out.
DAN:
Worse again. Technology responds to technology. What if we record ourselves saying Ta and Nil and making beeping sounds and then walk around playing it to draw him out.
TOM:
How likely do you think that is?
DAN STARTS PLAYING THE RECORDING. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY A HALF HAWK/HALF MAN EMERGES FROM THE BUSHES.
HAWKEYE:
Well lads, were ye looking for me?
DAN:
Yes! We need you to judge a game of squash and just beep if the ball is close to the line and if we ask you if it was in, just say Ta or Nil.
HAWKEYE:
No problem at all lads, fire away.
FADE OUT AND IN.
TOM:
Well, that was easy, 21 - 7 to me. No contentious decisions, no tight calls. Everything was perfectly straightforward.
DAN:
You got lucky this time but I'll turn into you yet. (TO HAWKEYE) Sorry for calling you out needlessly, we actually didn't need you at all.
HAWKEYE:
Good job too. I'm not even sure if there's a beep at Wimbledon anymore. Plus, I'm practically blind, have been for years.
DAN:
Jesus! Do people know?
HAWKEYE:
Just my family and friends, just the people who need to know.
TOM:
What about the sporting bodies, don't they have a right to know?
HAWKEYE:
Why would I tell them?
DAN:
You're Hawkeye, you make vital sporting decisions all the time.
HAWKEYE:
I'm not Hawkeye. My names Paul O'Neill. I work in Woodies.
DAN:
Do you mean a wood? Like that's where you have your nest.
HAWKEYE:
No, I don't mean a wood, I mean Woodies! Are you deaf!?
DAN:
Deaf? You're the one who has something wrong with them. Maybe you're a bit confused 'cos you can't see properly.
HAWKEYE:
Look, I'm not a f**king hawk, I don't live in a nest and I'm not used in f**king Wimbledon. Now leave me alone!
HAWKEYE/PAUL STORMS OFF INTO THE NIGHT OFFENDED.
TOM AND DAN GO BACK TO PLAYING SQUASH. THE BALL BOUNCES MILLIMETRES FROM THE LINE. CLOSEUP OF PAUL MAKING A SHRILL BEEPING SOUND.
END.
A SCIENTIST AND HIS TWO TEANAGE KIDS APPEAR FROM BEHIND BELLOWING SMOKE, SAT IN A TIME MACHINE.
SON: Are we there yet Dad ? Where's Blackpool Tower ?
SCIENTIST: We've, we've gone a bit further back in time than planned. It's not 1980, it's the Dark Ages !
SON: Is that's why there's no illuminations ?
DAUGHTER: No silly, the "Dark Ages" was during Margret Thatcher.
SCIENTIST: We've gone back an extra thousand years. It's 980 AD electricity hasn't been invented yet. If we can't plug the Time Machine in, we can't get back !
BOTH TEENAGERS SULK
DAUGHTER: "I've got an IQ of 163" he says ! "Blackpool wasn't a dump in 1980." he says. Dad, this was supposed to be an cheap 80's weekend, so we could better understand why mum likes Bon Jovi. I've got Guides tonight.
SCIENTIST: I was trying to escape populism and go back to a time when people listened to Scientists. Amateurs were ruling the world in 2020, we'd just had Brexit were complex macro economic policies were decided by Joe public, a Swedish school girl was dictating world environmental policies and a reality show host ran America for Christ's sake !
SON: On the upside they did cancel the Eurovision song contest. Anyway what's wrong with TV presenters and children having a say ? Hang on a minute, children's TV will be crap if we leave it to the Scientists.
DAUGHTER: No worries I've got the entire 3rd series of the Tellytubbies on my mobile phone.
SCIENTIST: And what have the Teletubbies ever given the world ?
SON: Well without Tinky Winky's TV in his tummy we'd not have television.
SCIENTIST: Just take a minute to think about what you've just said.
SON: Oh yeah, silly me, it was Laa Laa's tummy.
SCIENTIST: It's dumb teenage comments like that which made me realise I can't leave my future to your generation. That's why I wanted to go back in time and bring all the greatest minds of the day to build a better future in the 1980's. Plus I wanted to see Kajagoogoo in concert. They've got to be better than their tribute band the Llama boys.
DAUGHTER: Dad.
SCIENTIST: Your forget, I taught a school full of dumb teenagers like you, with your clammy mobile phone clutching hands.
DAUGHTER: Dad.
SCIENTIST: No offence but your generation is so stupid !
DAUGHTER: Dad it was our clammy mobile clutching hands that realised we needed to bring a massive battery pack with us. Not so stupid now, I mean how else were we going to get Instagram ?
SCIENTIST: You genius.
SON: Thanks Dad.
SCIENTIST: Not you.
DAUGHTER: If we leave now we'll catch Love Island. I'm driving.
SCIENTIST: Go on, I did say could drive from time to time.
FX: TIME TRAVEL
ALANIS: Hello, and welcome to "Back in Time", the show were we see what life was like back in the old days, when entertainment was still made by professionals rather than literally anyone.
MAX: Hello there. (Belches)
ALANIS: First, here we have a common household appliance - it's a toaster.
MAX: What does it do?
ALANIS: It makes toast.
MAX: Cool. So where is the built in camera?
ALANIS: It doesn't have one.
MAX: What? You mean you'd have to use a separate device to broadcast an image of your breakfast? How did people live like that?
ALANIS: Well, it's hard to know. We really understand very little of the early 21st century, because back then there were still people who chose not to publish their entire brainwave activity.
MAX: Gosh.
ALANIS: Historians have attempted to understand this period from what was posted online, but whenever they try they keep getting distracted by a video of a cat.
MAX: Kids, don't forget that history is worthless and won't get you a job.
ALANIS: Now that's a lot of talking, so here are some brightly flashing lights and loud noises.
[FX: SIRENS]
ROBOT: Buy bread! Buy bread! Buy bread! Buy br (cuts out abruptly)
ALANIS: Coming up next, we have...
[FX: LUDICROUS RINGTONE]
ALANIS: Hello? No, I can't talk now, I'm on television. Sorry about that.
MAX: That's ok, I wasn't listening, I was checking my phone. Are we still doing this?
ALANIS: Coming up next - this is a television.
MAX: Wow. Why is that thing so huge?
ALANIS: You know, you're free to ask me these things before we start recording.
MAX: Just answer my stupid question.
ALANIS: Well, the reason televisions were so big is because people used to use their eyes instead of having programmes beamed directly into their brain.
MAX: But then how did they check their phones at the same time?
ALANIS: I think they had to move their heads.
MAX: You're shitting me.
ALANIS: Well, that's all we have time for. Rate us five stars, or we can't eat.
MAX: If you enjoyed this programme you might like this other programme, which is starting right now.
ALANIS: Welcome to another episode of "Back in Time". This programme has been chosen for you as being most compatible with your tastes and beliefs.
MAX: Brexit STILL means Brexit.
ALANIS: Here's an old phone. Now, we know what you're thinking.
MAX: We literally know what you're thinking.
ALANIS: You're thinking this was a device for making phone calls? Absolutely not. It's actually a camera.
MAX: Well, obviously.
ALANIS: For taking pictures of your face.
MAX: Not your genitals?
ALANIS: It's incredible to think that back then almost 82% of communication was non-genital based.
MAX: But why would you share a picture of your own face when you could just share a picture of that man going "One does not simply..." with some words on top? Who is that, anyway?
ALANIS: Nobody knows. Next we have a bed.
MAX: What the hell is that?
ALANIS: It's a thing you lie on. People used to spend up to 8 hours a day lying down on one of these instead of just randomly passing out from exhaustion.
MAX: Lying down and not doing anything? Sounds boring.
ALANIS: I'm almost falling asleep just thinking about it.
MAX: It's amazing to think that this is what life was like only 5 years ago.
ALANIS: Well that's all we have time for. Goodbye! Here's another programme. Welcome to "Next Week's Planet", where we get to hear what people will be saying just five years into the future.
PRESIDENT: We're very excited to announce a cure for all known diseases!
PM: I'm delighted to tell you that we have eradicated poverty throughout the world.
SCIENTIST: It's humanity's greatest achievement - finally, technology has eliminated human drudgery and will allow us all to live a life of leisure!
[FX: CHEERING]
MAX: What a bunch of arseholes.
A MAN ENTERS A SHOP WITH A THING IN A BOX. THE BELL ABOVE THE DOOR EMITS A RING AS HE ENTERS.
MR SLIDE: Hello. I think this is broken.
HE PUTS IT ON THE COUNTER WITH A THUD.
GARY: Oh dear. I'm sure I can help though, or my name isn't Gary Neville!
MR SLIDE: Is your name Gary Neville? like the footballer?
GARY: Yes, but it's pronounced differently.
MR SLIDE: I see. So you're pretty sure you can mend it?
GARY: Yup. Now what's wrong with it?
MR SLIDE: Easier to say what's NOT wrong with it!
GARY: I see. Could you give me an example?
MR SLIDE: It no longer produces strawberry ice cream.
GARY: Did it before?
MR SLIDE: Nope. That's just one of the things that's not wrong with it!
GARY: Right. Could we...
MR SLIDE: We could!
GARY: Should we...
MR SLIDE: Noooo! How dare you suggest such a thing!
GARY: [QUICKLY] Can we just go from the beginning [REALISES HE'S NOT BEING INTERRUPTED AND SLOWS DOWN] and check how you're using it.
MR SLIDE: O.......K......
GARY: So when...
MR SLIDE: ...let's....
GARY: Right, so when...
MR SLIDE: ...do.......that......
GARY: ...so,
MR SLIDE: ....then.
GARY: Okay! Let's go through everything! You plug it in?
MR SLIDE: Yes. I'm not an idiot you know!
GARY: Hmmm. You turn on the power?
MR SLIDE: Yes.
GARY: You open the side?
MR SLIDE: Yes.
GARY: You rotate the arms to the on position?
MR SLIDE: Yes.
GARY: You lubricate the serial flanges on the outer 2 rings?
MR SLIDE: Yes.
GARY: You trickle the wangsidles?
MR SLIDE: Trickle wangsidles, then wang the tricklesidles too, just in case.
GARY: You reflabulate the sproglet weavils cro-frumptiously?
MR SLIDE: I reflabulated them so thoroughly my crumping horn is worn down to the spladge.
GARY: Get out.
MR SLIDE: I beg your pardon?
GARY: Just get out!
MR SLIDE: Oh. Okay.
GARY: [MOCKINGLY] "Trickle the wangsidles"! "Refrabulate the sproglet weavils"! Utter rubbish!
MR SLIDE TAKES HIS THING FROM THE COUNTER AND LEAVES.
GARY: Must thin I'm some kind of fool.
GARY: Ridiculous.
GARY: It was clearly digital so he would have needed to refrabulate the McDougally choppinokks before even attempting to sidle the tricklewangs!
PRESS 1: Dr Strangehammer, answer the question please!
Dr: I merely remarked that, I notice that Susan Armstrong from the Tribune is not here
amongst us anymore.
PRESS 2 : I don't recognise that name?
Dr : Don't worry, we will do a headcount at the end of the press conference, and try and retrieve as many of the missing as possible.
PRESS 1 : Did you just announce you have succeeded to travel in time?
Dr : Yes, and no.
PRESS 1&2 : (TOGETHER) Answer the question!
Dr : Right, well it's not time travel, as you stay in the same place and the universe moves around you. So, there is no actual travelling involved.
PRESS 3 : How does that work, what sort of technology are you using?
Dr : It's not technology really, it's more like biology, with a bit of woo woo...
PRESS 1: Can you explain a little more?
Dr : Yes, of course. If I could refer you to the paper I will now write later and will include in the presspack I gave you earlier.
PRESS 3 : Isn't time travel dangerous? What about the Grandfather Paradox?
Dr : A very good question. And one we determined to answer before going public. There can be no scientific progress without some sacrifice.
PRESS 3 : You shot your own grandfather?
Dr : No, of course not, I shot Susan's.
PRESS 2 : Who is Susan?
PRESS 3 : You did what!?
Dr : Don't worry, when I realised the terrible consequences of my actions later today I stop myself from shooting Susan's Grandfather yesterday.
PRESS 2 : Who is... oh, hi Susan. Susan is here Dr. (BEAT) What were we talking about Dr. Strangehammer?
Dr : I was just saying, after a well-funded, thorough investigation. I have reluctantly reached the conclusion that time travel Is absolutely impossible.
PRESS 1 : Well no surprise there Dr. Is there a press pack?
Dr : Not now...On a completely separate issue I would like to announce that I have won the Lottery Jackpot!
PRESS 1 : When?
Dr : Next Tuesday!
This is the most fun you can have without the use of a Spice girl and a shower attachment. Otterf**ks.
Best week since...a different week. I mean, I don't keep a log, or anything. But, this week was really strong.
I've got 4 favourites:
Otterfox, for that Hawkeye character which I visualise as pure Mighty Boosh, and for "I have a worse idea", which brings sketch logic to the fore so well
www.wh.com, for their usual marriage of strong concept with gag-packed script. The W is alwasy my default vote, although the satirical target of this week's might be a touch on-the-nose.
Tiggy, for the silly words. Silly words are always appreciated, and thse are good ones.
Playfull, for getting such a cohesive sketch form the well-trodden time travel paradox path.
After much deliberation, I choose Playfull.
Steve Sunshine for me as it was short funny and on the money.