Yeah! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterf**ks for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Otterfox 2.5
Gappy 2
Firkin 1.5
Wwwwwwwwwwh, Playf**k 1
Next slapperjack: Transport (chosen by wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh).
Leg closed: 26.1.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
5 1 Wwwwwh
2.5 2 Otterfox, Firkin
2 3 Tiggy, Gappy, Playfulllllllllllll
1 4 Thief of bad gags
Just so you know, this round I shall be splitting my single vote unequally between all contestants, so everyone has the coveted 0.27 of a vote to play for!
RECEPTION: Welcome, weary travellers. How may I help you?
JOSEPH: Well met, innkeeper. We have travelled many miles, and my wife and I desire a room.
RECEPTION: I regret to say, we are fully occupied.
MARY: What, no rooms at all? As you see, I am with child and need rest after hard journeying.
RECEPTION: So I see, and I am most sympathetic, madam. Well, look, I can perhaps accommodate you, if you would be prepared to sleep in the stable.
JOSEPH: The stable? That doesn't work.
RECEPTION: I'm truly sorry, but I have nothing else to offer. The inn is full.
JOSEPH: But the stable isn't?
RECEPTION: Correct.
MARY: But that's what makes no sense. How did the people in the hotel get here?
RECEPTION: Something other than a horse, I guess.
MARY: There is nothing other than a horse! Not in these times. It's horse or donkey.
JOSEPH: Or a camel, if you are very rich, and of Orient are.
MARY: Yes, but what's the chances of people like that turning up? So, come on, how did all these guests get here if not by horse?
RECEPTION: Maybe they...walked. They might live locally.
JOSEPH: What are they doing in a hotel, then?
RECEPTION: [DOUBTFUL] Census loophole? Look, just trust me, there's room in the stable.
JOSEPH: And you sure it's not full of horses?
RECEPTION: It's definitely not *full*.
MARY: How many horses are there?
RECEPTION: I think...none. Give or take.
JOSEPH: This is mad. What is in it, then?
RECEPTION: Err...a donkey.
MARY: Like ours?
RECEPTION: Oh no, wait, I'm including yours. Alright, imminently, a donkey...plus, couple of oxen, some sheep, and a smattering of chickens. Sometimes. Sometimes not. Oh, and a manger, of course. Right in the middle, not against the wall or anything, just a smallish manger, pride of place - your baby can sleep in that, if it gets born tonight.
MARY: Aren't all those animals using it?
JOSEPH: Never mind that, can I just check, you're saying you have no horses at all? But you call it a stable - that literally means building for keeping horses.
RECEPTION: In some languages.
JOSEPH: [BEAT] Yeah, alright, we'll skate over that one. But I still want you to explain what's going on here.
RECEPTION: Why are you so obsessed with this? Your choice is my stable - I mean, generic animal shelter - or the street, so what will it be?
MARY: Now you put it like that, the stable, please.
JOSEPH: Yes, of course, apologies, innkeeper. Hey, it's not as if one should look a gift horse in the mouth, is it?
RECEPTION: No idea. I don't actually know what a horse is, to be honest.
MARY: Weird ending.
RECEPTION: Meh, what do you want from skit comp? The second coming?
JOSEPH: [COUGHS, SHAKES HEAD]
RECPETON: Oh yeah. [PAUSE] Ooh! Look up there, a slowly moving star! [SCARPERS THROUGH DOOR]
I confuse modes of transport, but that's plane sailing.
You wait thirty minutes for a bus, nothing turns up, then all of a sudden still nothing f**king turns up.
Rome 20 years ago: 'F**king bus ain't coming.' Rome now: 'I've got this awesome app on my telephone, it says f**king bus ain't coming.'
I'm so excited about the possibility of time travel, I'm having a party last week.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. And that huge f**king truck behind you.
My mate's selling his Skoda for nine hundred and ninety nine, I'll go up to a tenner.
What colour is useful for opening an automobile? Khaki.
I don't like sailing in water round a castle, it's a moat point.
Which car please pleases me? A Beetle.
My nephew's so advanced, he started driving a car at twelve. Unfortunately he crashed it at twelve oh five.
My grandfather's been driving since he was twelve. He must be tired.
My father insists there's buzzing from the front of his car. Must have a bee in his bonnet.
I've never understood the car boot sale, who'd want to buy a car boot?
Hedgehog on the motorway, feeling a little run-down.
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and One Direction? A rhinoceros has four legs, a strong body and a horn on the outside; One Direction are total and utter f**king shit,
Truck drivers can't be very intelligent, they need that sign 'Long vehicle'.
How do you stop back seat drivers? Move the steering wheel to the front.
This aircraft is attracted to people of both genders. It's a bi-plane.
KIRK: Kirk to Scotty, how's it going, have you fixed the transporter yet
SCOTTY: I think we have found the problem Captain. We were just about send a test package.
KIRK: Good work Scotty. Let me know when you are ready to start testing on crew. Kirk out. Mr Sulu half ahead impulse.
CHEKOV: I'm not Sulu Captain.
KIRK: No? I thought that was where Sulu sits.
CHEKOV: Sulu would be like a hundred years old by now, and Asian, he is Asian.
KIRK: So, who are you?
CHEKOV: I am Chekov Captain.
KIRK: Didn't you die in a home car incident?
CHEKOV: Er, no that was a later Chekov.
KIRK: A later Chekov, this time travel stuff is killing me.
SCOTTY: Scotty to Captain Kirk.
KIRK: Ah, good news Scotty?
SCOTTY: Well, we were just wondering...
KIRK: Yes?
SCOTTY: When you signed off just now...
KIRK: Yes?
SCOTTY: Did you say "When you are ready to start testing on crew?"
KIRK: Yes?? (Pause) Oh, god Scotty you haven't been testing it on crew members?
SCOTTY: You said get it fixed at all costs, lives depend on it!
KIRK: I didn't mean the crews lives! How many volunteers are we talking about?
SCOTTY: Volunteers?
KIRK: You didn't ask for volunteers, my god man what did you do round them up at phaser point?
SCOTTY: No, of course i didn't Jim... I got security to do it.
KIRK: How many crew were injured?
SCOTTY: That depends, if by injured you mean how many needed moping up and taking away in a bucket...
KIRK: How many Scotty?
SCOTTY: About 10 per level.
KIRK: Good god man! 10 from every level?
SCOTTY: No.
KIRK: Thank god for that.
SCOTTY: No, we took about 60 from level six. I never understood what the people on six did. Still it worked, we figured it out.
KIRK: What caused the problem in the first place? At least all those lives won't have been wasted...
SCOTTY: Ach, Captain you will laugh when I tell you.
KIRK: I wouldn't bet my bucket on that.
SCOTTY: Well, you will remember Spock came down to the transporter room, to greet the Venusian ambassador and his party personally, when something went horribly wrong with the transporter. We received four piles of steaming, screaming, mince.
KIRK: I saw the footage.
SCOTTY: And Spock grabbed the controls and tried to reverse the transporter malfunction. Sending god knows what back to Venus...leaving us with their dying screams.
KIRK: Horrible...
SCOTTY: Yes, and this is the funny bit, it turns out the Venusians actually resemble piles of steaming mince and communicate in screams.
KIRK: So there was nothing wrong with the transporter?
SCOTTY: Not till Spock reversed all the settings. It took us a hundred and fifty goes before anyone thought about using the factory reset button.
KIRK: Where is Spock?
SCOTTY: I'm afraid he volunteered to be a test dummy on the transporter...
KIRK: So typical of Spock to blame himself.
SCOTTY: No, he blamed you! He said, it wasn't a proper mission we were on. That you have been obsessed with Vladimir Tretchikoff's portrait of a green lady for years. Apparently your Mother had one hanging above the fire at home and you were driven so insane by her strange grey green beauty, that you just had to meet her. Then when some idiot said she might be Venusian, you contacted the ambassador to arrange a meeting. Completely ignoring our mission.
KIRK: Did Spock have any last words?
SCOTTY: He asked me to tell you he hoped your cock drops off. Is it true about the painting?
KIRK: Yes.
SCOTTY: Well, that explains the bucket of screaming green mince.
A MINIBUS CARRYING THE ST. MAGARETS SCHOOL FOR GIRLS HOCKEY TEAM BREAKS DOWN ON THE A319744632b
MATRON: Oh fiddlesticks, the thing has stopped. Erm, girls, your attention, please. It looks like the bus has broken down. Now, as we are on a quiet country lane I'm going to need someone to walk to the nearest phone box and call the AA.
MASS GROANING
GIRL AT BACK: Why can't you go, Miss?
MATRON: As I'm responsible for your safety I obviously can't leave you all here on your own.
GROANS AND SNIGGERS
MATRON: Now, I have a rough idea on the map where we are, and we are about three miles south west of the nearest village on this road. But I think I saw a telephone box only about a mile or so back.
GIRL AT FRONT: Er, no Miss, that was a post box.
MATRON: Are you sure, Marcia?
GIRL AT FRONT: Yes, we were playing I spy and I spied it. It was between a telegraph pole and a horse chestnut tree, about two and a half miles back.
JEERS AND SNEERS
MATRON: Okay girls, settle down.
GIRL AT FRONT: The last telephone box we passed was in the last village we went through, about eight miles back.
GROANS
MATRON: Well Done Marcia, for being as astute as ever. That means the next village is closer so I will need two girls to walk there and ring for assistance.
GROANS
MATRON: Now, obviously we don't want to take too long over it so I'm picking the two fittest girls on our team for the task, Tabetha and Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Oh no that's not fair.
TABETHA: Sshhh. We'll get to have a smoke on the way.
JENNIFER: Okay Miss, we'll go.
MATRON: Okay, now just give them all the details on this piece of paper and stay there until they arrive. Now, remember the road can be a dangerous place, especially out here in the open countryside. So remember your road safety training and of course, do not a accept a lift from any man unless in a uniform or clearly of some authority and respectability, you've all been taught of the dangers some men pose to young ladies in such situations.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
TABETHA: Oh my God, she didn't tell us about the hill we'd have to climb.
JENNIFER: We can't even hitch a lift even if we were allowed, I haven't seen a single car.
TABETHA: Oh wait, what's that noise? Oh look it's a camper van.
JENNIFER: Oh that's no good, we can't hitch a lift from them, they're hardly going to be of some authority or respectability, in that.
TABETHA: Oh damn.
HONK HONK
JENNIFER: Oh look, he's stopping, what are we going to do?
TABETHA: Just remember our training, refuse to get in and say the police are coming to pick us up, we're just waiting for them.
CAMPER VAN REVERSES
TABETHA: And if that fails, we run for it into the fields, we're fit, remember.
VOICE FROM CAMPER VAN: Now then, now then, what have we here? Goodness gracious, it's two young maidens in distress. Can I be of assistance, ladies?
JENNIFER: Oh my God, what a stroke of luck, it's that famous DJ off the telly, the one who helps everyone out.
TABETHA: Well you don't get more respectable than that, do you! Come on, let's get in.
HALF A MILE UP THE ROAD
VOICE: Ow's about that then? Urwoowoourwoourwoo...
A COCKNEY CONTRACTOR MEETS HIS BANK MANAGER IN ICELAND.
C: All right mate don't you know, I've got a team of construction workers ready to go.
B: But we have on hand, construction workers in Iceland, who I would say are just as grand.
C: Listen you jerk, you sold me the rights to build a transport network. You told me your geezers would be an issue, it's not my intention to diss you, but I've brought my own workers from London.
B: No, no geezers blow hot air, you silly mare.
C: So do mine mate, but you shouldn't let them debate, be strict.
B: Why do you have a lorry loads of stair cases, we can make those in Icelandic places.
C: You said you had no apples and pears, which is cockney slang for stairs.
B: I was talking fresh fruit you silly bruit. One of your men says he's desperate for a fisherman's daughter, that's a bit cheeky, I don't think he ought to ?
C: Na, fisherman's daughter, water, can't we ask the Porter to bring some ?
B: You must be having a giraffe.
C: Oh so you know that's cockney slang for laugh.
B: No, in Icelandic we say giraffe's neck, what the heck, that's a bit of a stretch he can't ask the Porter to fetch. He can get it himself.
C: I'm not being funny but I'm going to needs some bees and honey.
B: Worker bees ?
C: Bees and honey, money. Do you still have a wobbly rattle and clank ?
B: Oh no you don't mean wank ?
C: Rattle and clank , bank. Is your Icelandic bank still wobbly without thrust, going bust ?
B: We speak English in Iceland, not your cockney thing, although I will admit it has a ring. Also there's no point building an underground transportation network, you berk.
C: Why ?
B: If you studied our geography you'd plainly see, we already have naturally occurring tunnels of lava, so don't make this into a palaver, just go.
C: Oh no. Good thing we bought two contracts from you, or we'd have nothing to do. We best get going on the other contract , installing sola panels that diffract.
B: But we don't have much sun, listen you've been done. Just go.
C: Your wanker. Give me one good reason I shouldn't spank ya !
THE BANKER RUNS AWAY
C: Bloody banker, he's broken into a cantor. I'd better go it's freezing, so much for no rhyme or reason.
PRESENTER/INTERVIEWER:
Due to the impact of Covid-19 people are spending much more time at home. As a result, the home furnishing industry has seen a huge boom. In the last six months of 2020 sales in the furniture and home furnishing sector was up 143%. Now, due to Brexit and with new restrictions facing many couriers transporting goods from the continent, there has been a dramatic rise in delayed and failed deliveries. We caught up with one such disappointed customer. As she does not want her name to be revealed although, strangely, she is happy to appear on camera, we'll call Susan, Shelley for the purposes of the interview.
SHELLEY:
It's been an utter disgrace! I ordered my bed in November and it still hasn't arrived! I've been lying on nothing for the last two months.
INTERVIEWER:
That must be tough, sleeping on a floor or couch for that length of time.
SHELLEY:
It was worse than that. We got muscle strains by trying to pretend to lie at bed height by levitating. It was extremely tiring and I'm blaming them for that too.
INTERVIEWER:
Right. And was this a new house? Is that why you didn't have a bed already?
SHELLEY:
No, we had a bed but we got rid of it when we ordered the new one.
INTERVIEWER:
Why didn't you wait? I mean, surely the best thing to do was to wait until the new bed arrived before getting rid of the old one.
BEAT.
SHELLEY:
You may think that but when ringing their call centre it gives you lots more reasons to be angry and rage-filled. You can then take out all your life frustrations on the innocent person on the other end of the phone.
INTERVIEWER:
That's horrible!
SHELLEY:
Put me through to your manager. How dare you talk to me in this tone. Never have I ever, in all my years of ranting and raving been treate-
INTERVIEWER:
At this point Shelley, whose real name is Susan toppled down an embankment but we were on hand to run away. Next, we met Dave who was happy to give us his name but didn't want to appear on screen.... So Dave, you actually got injured due to a delay with your delivery, isn't that right?
DAVE (OFF CAMERA):
Yeah, yeah, that's right, yes. I've had it up to here. When I say here, I have my hand up to the level of my cheeks. I've had it up to the cheeks with this company!
INTERVIEWER:
Of course, you do mean that quite literally, isn't that correct?
DAVE:
Isn't that correct is correct. I sprained my jaws due to my package not arriving.
INTERVIEWER:
Can you tell us what happened?
DAVE:
I can tell you what happened so that's the thing I'm going to do now. We are getting our floors redone but the tiles haven't arrived. There's now nothing to walk on so I'm after falling through the earth's core smashing my jaws in the process.
INTERVIEWER:
So, the lesson to learn seems to be not to get rid of your old gear until the new stuff arrives. Thanks Dave.
DAVE:
That's not the lesson! No, no, no, that's not the lesson at all! You're talking on-
INTERVIEWER:
Another embankment. We'll leave you with loads of pictures of Dave's face and the jaws he sprained. Goodnight.
END.
BOB: Wow! Hello there! What's your name?
KEVIN: I'm Kevin. Why?
BOB: I've never met a talking car before.
KEVIN: Not local then?
BOB: No. I've just arrived and you're the first...vehicle I'm met since I came out the airport.
[BOB GESTICULATES TOWARDS THE AIRPORT]
BOB: See me gesticulate towards the airport!
KEVIN: Why did you say that? I saw you do it.
BOB: In case this conversation is ever written down somewhere.
KEVIN: That likely?
BOB: You never know.
KEVIN: And if it was it would probably be written in square brackets like some kind of stage direction.
BOB: This...is starting to hurt my head now. Um, so how does the whole living cars thing work?
KEVIN: Google it.
BOB: I mean, can I climb inside you?
KEVIN: F**king weirdo. Course you can't. Want me to rip a hole in the side of your face and climb in?
BOB: Ooh. I hadn't thought of it like that.
KEVIN: Why didn't you look all this up before coming here?
BOB: Do you have a brain?
KEVIN: Yeah. Seemingly bigger than yours.
BOB: Do you have a pancreas?
KEVIN: What's that? Does it squirt your face with bubbly water like this?
KEVIN: Well? Does it?
KEVIN: Well?!!
BOB: Sorry, I was waiting for some kind of sentence describing what just happened then.
KEVIN SQUIRTED WASHER FLUID ONTO HIS WINDSCREEN.
BOB: There we go!
KEVIN: I'll tell you some things I've got and that's a heart, a soul, and feelings. I'm not just an object. In this land of talking vehicles you have to learn to...wait, where are you going?!
BOB WANDERS OFF TO A NEARBY BICYCLE AND CLIMBS ON. THE BICYCLE SCREAMS.
CLAIRE: Aaaaahhhhh! Help me! Assault! Assault!!
THE SOUND OF POLICE CARS APPROACH.
POLICE CAR 1: Get off of her now!
BOB CLIMBS OFF CLAIRE.
BOB: Okay, okay. I suppose I'm under arrest. I know what to do. Get in the back.
THE SOUND OF BOB OPENING THE REAR DOOR OF A POLICE CAR.
POLICE CAR 1: Aaaaaarrrrggghh!!! MY face!!!
POLICE CAR 2: Sarge!!
POLICE CAR 2 FIRES A GUN AND BOB FALLS TO THE GROUND.
BOB: Now how the hell did he manage to fire a gun?
BOB DIES.
THE END
ABRAHAM: I'd like to get a cab from Atob please.
BEATRICE: Atob?
ABRAHAM: Yes, Atob. I need someone to get me from Atob, pronto.
BEATRICE: I'm sorry, I actually don't know where that is.
ABRAHAM: Really? That's odd. Have you tried your Atoz?
BEATRICE: Atoz?
ABRAHAM: Yes, Atoz. I always check my Atoz if I don't know where somewhere is.
BEATRICE: Well, I have to enter it into the computer, and computer says there ain't no Atob.
ABRAHAM: I'm shocked! I thought you'd know all about Atob since you go on about it so much.
BEATRICE: Do I?
ABRAHAM: Your catchy poster campaign! We get "U" - letter U, very modern - we get "U" from Atob.
BEATRICE: Hmm. I must have missed that one.
ABRAHAM: Atob! Everyone wants to go from there, it seems, I can't wait to try it. You must know! Is Atob where everyone ends up on a night out? Or maybe Atob is your headquarters - even though we're all the way out here in la-de-da Atob, we get you! Like, we understand!
BEATRICE: I don't understand.
ABRAHAM: Or is it figurative, like do you feel like your whole day is spent just wallowing in complete Atob? Allow us to get you the hell out of Atob!
BEATRICE: {shouts) It's A to B! We get you from A to B!
ABRAHAM: Oh!
BEATRICE: No, forget O, I don't want you fixating on O, or U, it's just A to B.
ABRAHAM: From A to B! A-OK, B-me up Scotty! Blimey. Right then, I'd like to go from... Aberystwyth... to Bracknell. No, from Aldershot to Bournemouth. I want to go from Aberdeen to Barcelona!
BEATRICE: Are you in Aberdeen?
ABRAHAM: No, that's a good point. I'd like to go from Aylesbury - I can drive to Aylesbury, that'll work - to Baghdad.
BEATRICE: That actually doesn't work.
ABRAHAM: Well where do you go?
BEATRICE: We can go from anywhere to anywhere.
ABRAHAM: Really?
BEATRICE: Well, apart from most of the places you mentioned.
ABRAHAM: So, let's see then, let me think about this, can I go from *A* road right outside my house, to, ooh, that nice *B*-stro on the other side of town?
BEATRICE: Yes, I think we could probably manage that.
ABRAHAM: Brilliant! And then after I've had a nice nosh-up, you could pick me up and drive me back again?
BEATRICE: Absolutely not.
ABRAHAM: Whoa! I mean, whoa! Why not?
BEATRICE: I think I've been quite clear about this. We go from A to B. Getting back from B to A is absolutely none of our concern.
ABRAHAM: Well how am I supposed to get back?
BEATRICE: You could fly back.
ABRAHAM: Fly? Who the hell's going to run a flight back to my home?
BEATRICE: Have you tried BA?
What a good turn out! It's enough to make Michael swear!
I go for Tiggy, even though the ending felt a bit rushed, ,With a special mention for everyone else.
I thought I had left it pretty late but in comes Wwwwwwwh after me.
Gappy was close but I think Wwwwwwwwh's end punchline won it for me.
Yes. Wwwwwh again.
Tough decision this week. Tiggy with wwwwwh close second (though my vote remains unsplit 
)