C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Kite (chosen by Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh).
Leg closed: 19.12.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
12 1 Wwwwh
9 2 Gappy, Playfull
1 3 Me, Thief of bad gags
Happy bleedin' Christmas.
And a happy Fookin new year as well!
Have a good Christmas and best wishes for the New Year ;-)
What's the closure date, Michael?
Oh, and happy Christmas everyone, I suppose 
EDIT: Ah, I see the closure date is in the thread title, even if the one in the first post is wrong. Silly me.
Like my mother, it's open for weeks...
Happy holidays.
FLYING A KITE
DOCTOR'S SURGERY.
DOCTOR and PATIENT.
PATIENT Doctor, I - I think I'm impotent.
DOCTOR What's up? I mean - what's the size of it? The long and short of it?
PATIENT Doctor, please...
DOCTOR It's long and hard, but I, Doctor Willy John Thomas Hardon - Hardy - will hold my piece and then pull it off. Why don't you diet?
PATIENT I like it this colour.
DOCTOR Soft nuts and dry sack, perhaps? A little chilli willie without the head cheese, or spotted dick, less cream? Floppy meatballs with an empty packet, no batter?
PATIENT Doctor, I...
DOCTOR The one eye... How about sport? Toss the cable with Stanislav Seman? Softball with Dick Trickle? Handball with Chris Lackajuicy? Your member's come last with a slow dribble and last-minute spurt in bang-bang play with no penetration and kick - or bump and run going deep - while the ball-handling backdoor sliders hit the hole hands down, by a long shot, getting to deuce - strokes of stiff competition and you can't beat it off, rise to it or go all the way.
PATIENT For the last time...
DOCTOR Sorry, what got into me? What came over me? Med'cine - I mean, medicine: it has an eye in the middle too...
PATIENT I've heard travel's therapeutic...
DOCTOR Yes, Wandandlust... To Virginville, Dickyvile, Bald Knob, Blue Ball, Cockburn, Glasscock... Best avoid Bohner's Lane, Weener, Great Cock Up and Boysack round the Spread Eagle, Long Dong, Fort Dick; then Climax at Intercourse till Peter Springs and Willacoochie...
PATIENT Why don't you...?
DOCTOR Blowhard, Fanny? Bumpass, Erect? Bangor, Hooker, Big Beaver, Muff, Wetwang, Brest, Nipple?... Penistone, Threeway, Three Cocks, Tightsqueeze...
PATIENT Right that's it. (hits him) I need a shrink...
There are many types of kite and none are easy to handle, but which one is the most difficult of them all??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Answer: Fred Kite
SHE: Well, that was a terrible birthday.
HE: Wait, is it your birthday?
SHE: No! I meant our children's.
HE: Oh, yeah, the twins. Ah, it's not so bad: your worry they'd eat too much cake didn't come true, did it?
SHE: Only because they were in A&E. Why did you get them that present?
HE: You told me to buy them a kite.
SHE: By which, you might be surprised to learn, I did not mean the bird of prey.
HE: It was ambiguous. You did say you wanted them to experience the great outdoors.
SHE: I meant the park, not nature red in tooth and claw! Sebastian has chunks missing from his wrist, and Clarissa almost lost an eye.
HE: I'm hearing "almost", so...
SHE: What I really can't understand is why you bought them *two* dive-bombing blood-thirsty death birds.
HE: That's your fault. You said "before you give them the kite, give them a swift hawk".
SHE: I said, give them a swift talk! About safety precautions when using the kite.
HE: You mean a gauntlet? Because I couldn't afford that as well.
SHE: I meant tripping over.
HE: I think they ended up huddled on the ground pretty quickly, so that was OK.
SHE: And, if that wasn't enough, when they came home, weeping and pouring blood, Sebastian opened his bedroom door and got gored by yet another bloody harrier.
HE: That one was a hawk, actually.
SHE: I don't care what it was! Why was it there at all?
HE: You said, "and if you want to get them anything small, the present should be a raptor hidden in their room".
SHE: "Should be wrapped or hidden in their room"! I thought we might save paper.
HE: Well, I didn't wrap it, so we did save paper...though the ecological impact was offset by the 93 plasters I used on Sebastian's torso. Still, you can't deny that a sparrowhawk is small, as raptors go.
SHE: And now Clarissa's thumb is small as digits go!
HE: She's got another one. Anyway, that was the only major damage. They'll both be alright in the long run.
SHE: And thank the Lord for that. Now, the sedation will wear off tomorrow morning, and I want you to make it up to them by giving them an amazing present. But - and this is very important - I want you to give careful consideration.
HE: You want me to give gyrfalcon's iteration?
SHE: No! That doesn't even make sense. But, just to be clear, do *not* buy them a gyrfalcon.
HE: Alright, gyrfalcon's off the list. What shall I get?
SHE: I don't care, but I just think it will be nice for the twins to have a hobby. [RECEDING] Oh, doctor, how are they?
HE: [TO SELF] Nice for them to have a hobby, right. I'll just check whether that word has any other meanings...
(I don't really like the last line, but I wasn't sure whether the hobby was a sufficiently well known bird to leave the audience to work it out. Happy Christmas, and that).
(EDIT: I now find that gyrfalcon's not pronounced with a hard G, as I have always thought. Oh, well, not taking it out now)
A GROUP ARE PERCHED ON THEIR CHAIRS IN A CIRCLE DRESSED AS DIFFERENT TYPES OF BIRDS.
MS C: Welcome to B.A., Birds Anonymous.
A BRITISH AIRWAYS AIRHOSTESS AND PILOT GET UP AND WALK OUT, SUITCASES IN TOW.
MS C: If I didn't think I was a bird that would put me off flying. We have a new member, Mr Kite. Oh no, he's jumping on Ms Duck !
MR E: [MUSIC: THE EAGLES, DESPERADO] Desperado why don't you come to your senses? You've got a duck that's defenceless, jumping on her now.[END MUSIC]
MR EAGLE CIRCLES MR KITE
MR K: I'm sorry Mr Eagle I'll stop. I did it [MUSIC: THE BEATLES] for the benefit of Mr Kite, there should be a show tonight on the Trampoline, The Hendersons will all be there [END MUSIC]
MS C: The first rule of flight club is we don't use real names!
MR K: Sorry. I'll get back on my perch.
MS C: You two sit apart. Birds of prey on the left and prey on the right. It's the Christmas party and birds get in for free, let's get it started.
MR H: [MUSIC: THE HOUSEMARTINS, HAPPY HOUR] It's happy hour again, I think I might be happy if I wasn't out with them, blooming birds of prey causing problems again [END MUSIC]. Who left the bar in such a mess, this stuff is corrosive?
MS DUCK: That was a Flock of Seagulls , those blokes over there with the limp bouffant making a terrible racket. My love...
MR H: You're getting very amorous.
MS DUCK: I'm getting that nesting feeling. [MUSIC: THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS] Not to put too fine a point on it, say I'm the only bee in your bonnet, I wanna make a birdhouse in your sole.
MR H: [MUSIC: THE HOUSEMARTINS, BUILD] B, b, b, b, build. It's wall to wall and brick to brick, They work so fast using straw and stick, It's bill, bill, bill, bill [END MUSIC]
MS DUCK: Oh I see back to the bill thing, so I've got big lips, get over it ! Well you've got a teeny-weeny pecker so there. I'm off to talk to Mr Eagle.
MR H: He's not eaten yet.
MS D: Oh ! Well in that case I'm off to talk to Noel Gallagher and the High Flying Birds, there's nothing sexier than a Monobrow.
MR E: Hello young lady [MUSIC: PEACEFUL EASY FEALING] 'Cause I got a peaceful easy feelin' And I know you won't let me down, 'Cause I'm already standin' On the ground. [MUSIC ENDS]
MS C: So you can't get it up, tried Viagra ?
MR E: No, no that's not it. What I meant was [MUSIC: BLACKBIRD] Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All my life I've been waiting for this moment to [END MUSIC]
MS C: I'm a Crow you racist bastard! And if you're trying to threaten me I'll peck you eyes out !
MR E: But I've got an Eagle eye, you wouldn't dare peck that would you ? [MUSIC: THE EAGLES, WITCHY WOMAN] Woohoo, witchy woman, She got the moon in her eye, Woohoo, witchy woman, See how high she flies [MUSIC ENDS]
MS C: I fly like the crow flys OK ? Now f**k off. [MUSIC: THE BIRDY SONG] Oh this is my favourite.
THEY ALL START DOING THE BIRDY DANCE. THE POLICE ENTER.
POLICE: OK we're going to have to close this party down.
MS C: Why ?
POLICE: It's a seedy party and you are playing the Birdy song. We've also had complaints about the awful singing. Let's be honest none of you are songbirds.
KAREN
SCENE. 1 INT./DAY
SET: KITCHEN
TWO DIVORCEES.
KAREN 40 YEARS OLD A LARGE BUXOM WOMAN WITH PURPLE HAIR
SUE 40 YEARS OLD SKINNY WITH BLEACHED HAIR
KAREN STANDS BEHIND THE KITCHEN TABLE. TABLE LITTERED WITH STRING, RIBBON, SCISSORS, SELLOTAPE, A POT OF GLUE, BOTTLE OF WINE AND GLASSES
F/X: A RADIO PLAYING CHRISTMAS CAROLS (QUIETLY)
SUE: Hello sweetheart, I've let myself in
KAREN: (Drunk) Oh com' in ya tart. . . hic
SUE: Chuffin 'ell I see you've been busy?
KAREN: With thish. . . hic?
(Points to her handy work)
SUE: Erm no, with the wine
KAREN: (giggles) Do ya want a drop?
SUE: By the looks of it that's all I'll get
(Karen places another bottle of red wine on the table and winks)
KAREN: Here's one I made earlier (giggles and pours wine into a glass
for Sue)
(Sue points to Karen's handy work)
SUE: Who's the daddy to that then
KAREN: Thish my friend. . . is a (finding it difficult to get the word out) kite
SUE: Are you sure?
KAREN: I shirtenly am (belches) whoops. solly (gulps) sorry
SUE: (Picks up the kite) What have you used, that's not paper?
KAREN: (proud) It's made out of my knickers, Shoo
(Sue drops the kite)
SUE : A big kite then (laughs) are ya sure it's not a hang glider?
KAREN: Hey! I can go off folk ya know
SUE: Aye, but will it get off the ground?
KAREN: I've every con con confi-dence hic
SUE: That 'ill be a first, your knickers are hardly ever off the ground
(laughs)
KAREN: Hey! sheeky. . . hic. . . am goin' to take it to the park and you never
know I might catch a man
SUE: You'll catch two men more like.
Karen sweetheart I don't want to disappoint you, but it's more like a
flying clothes horse
KAREN: I'll have you know Shoo, shit's (struggling for the words)
it's aero-dy-namic, love
SUE: Your knickers were always aerodynamic when they flew across the
bedroom (giggles)
KAREN: (pleased with ones self) I robbed the Christmas tree
(places finger to her lips)
ssshhhh don't tell the tree (giggles)
Hic, look, it's got a long tail. . . and two big Sparkly baubles
dangling on the end to give it. . . to give it. . .coun-ter bal-lance and
give it maximummm per-for-mance.
SUE: (We see a quick flashback to one of Sue's one night stand's
displaying his charms and there is an expression of amazement
on her face)
Blimey! That was a gob full, Karen
KAREN: (swaying) Washit. . . hic
SUE: What I want t' know is why a kite of all things?
KAREN: Shit's (giggles waves her hand) I meant Shoo love, it's on my bucket
shist . . .hic. . . list
SUE: (takes list from her) Ya silly cow
KAREN: Moooooooooow (Giggles, breaks wind and then laughs out loud)
SUE: (stabbing the paper with her finger) It says bake a cake, not make a
kite.
KAREN: Sheally? (Giggles)
Really? am sure it said make a klite. Oh Shoo love. . . hic. . . what am I
like? (laughs like a hyena)
SUE: Didn't you have ya glasses with ya you drucken tart?
KAREN: (holds up and waves three empty glasses of wine)
Of course I did.
(laughs uncontrollably, stumbles
backward grabbing the kite and falls, disappearing from view. Sue
watches the baubles tangle with her glass of red wine tossing it into the
air its contents splashing all over the table)
SUE: (Once again we see a quick flashback to Sue's one night stand
embarrassingly never making it to his conquest and Sue
with a disapprovingly look on her face)
(Sighs) What a waste
SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING AS CLIVE ENTERS.
CLIVE: Hello Doctor.
MAN: What?
CLIVE: Do you have anything for wind?
MAN: Wind?
CLIVE: Yes Doctor. Wind. Do you have anything for wind?
MAN: Get out.
CLIVE: But Doctor...
MAN: You know I'm not a Doctor, and I'm not saying it.
CLIVE: I have no idea what you mean.
MAN: You expect me to believe that? Calling me Doctor and asking for something for wind despite this very clearly being a kite shop.
CLIVE: You're not a Doctor then?
MAN: No, and by wind do you mean gusts of air or flatulence?
CLIVE: Um...
MAN: Just go away. And If you genuinely need to see the Doctor there's a surgery 2 doors down. They're very good. Last week they confirmed my problem with invisibility.
CLIVE: You were invisible?
MAN: I asked for an appointment and they said they couldn't see me.
CLIVE: Doh!
THE END.
CRONE: Get back devil spawn!
MAN: Demon child!
DAMIEN: Waaa!
MOTHER: Don't talk to my little boy like that! It's bad for his self-esteem.
MAN: Read the charges!
CRONE: Throwing his toys around. Biting.
MOTHER: Boys will be boys!
CRONE: Stepping on a frog.
MOTHER: Self-defense, I would imagine. He's only little.
CRONE: Turning wine into water.
MOTHER: It's for your own good, he's not the first to notice you have a bit of a problem in that department.
CRONE: Projectile vomiting.
MOTHER: I think we both know that says more about the school canteen than anything.
MAN: Enough! Shave his head!
[FX: sound of razor]
MAN: Look! It is as I suspected.
MOTHER: What is?
MAN: It's...
[FX: thunder]
MAN: The Kitemark of the Devil!
MOTHER: What are these numbers, 666?
CRONE: Oh, everyone always reads that upside down, dunno why. It means 99.9% pure evil!
MOTHER: You can't be 99% pure anything. It's like "very unique", it's grammatically unsound.
MAN: Consult the scriptures!
[FX: unrolling scroll]
CRONE: Independently verified to wreak existential havoc, usher in reign of terror, blah blah blah, requires regular replenishing with blood of the innocents, etc etc.
MOTHER: Let me see that.
CRONE: You would not be able to understand it! Mere mortals cannot comprehend the sacred texts without at least three years of specialised training. Also, the writing is really small.
MOTHER: But isn't evil kind of an outmoded concept these days?
MAN: It's not up for debate! He's blimmin' certified! Straight off Hell's production line! He has been rigorously tested and found wanting!
CRONE: He is not from this earth!
MOTHER: He's from out of my fanny, that's all I know. Anyway, so what? He's got himself an ill-advised tattoo. All the kids are doing it these days.
MAN: How do we proceed?
CRONE: There is no choice. We must... kill him.
MOTHER: Kill him? Is that school policy? I thought you were going to make him do double maths in his underpants or something. What about medication? Can you put him on evil suppressants?
MAN: We're dealing with the Antichrist here, I don't think Ritalin is going to cut it.
MOTHER: Well maybe you could, I don't know, lure the devil into yourself, and then jump out the window? That usually works.
MAN: Any suggestions that don't involve me topping myself?
CRONE: Enough!
[FX: blade being unsheathed]
CRONE: By the power of Christ, I condemn this child to Hell!
MOTHER: No!
[FX: lightning strike!]
[FX: explosion!]
[FX: piano crash!]
[FX: mystic chainsaws!]
CRONE: Aaargh! Damn you! My legs! My beautiful legs!
MOTHER: Oh, Damien, are you all right dear? There there, mummy kiss it better.
MAN: God, I hate parents' evening.
TO THE TUNE OF 'LET'S GO FLY A KITE' (ISH)
With tuppence for paper and glue
Make a kite and a facial mask too
With your feet on the ground
The 2 metre stickers abound
You're safe as you queue for the till
Except for that moron behind you so tight
Just inches from you, the mask-less, thick shite
Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Over the prison wall, the phones ,fags and drugs will fall
Then up through the atmosphere
Up where the air used to be clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!
When you send it flyin' up there
All at once you're lighter than air
Call it Covid or Corona
It gives the Grim Reaper a boner
So, lets go fly a Kite!
(While we can}
Happy New Shit.
Wwwwwh please.
Brilliant to have so many to read. Probably wwwwwh again, as I like the kite mark of the beast, but playfull a close second.