cats lick

Have a look at this if you get time. Just written it.

Cats lick.

INT. DAY. PSYCHIATRISTS CONSULTATION ROOM. PSYCHIATRIST IS SITTING AT HER DESK. IT IS HOT AND THE WINDOW IS OPEN. THEY ARE ON THE 4TH FLOOR.

PSYCHIATRIST (PSYCH) Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND A VERY ORDINARY MAN WALKS IN LOOKING ANXIOUS.

PSYCH. Please come in and sit down.

THE MAN SIT’S THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK. SHE SMILES AT HIM.

MAN. Hello.

PSYCH. How can I help you.

MAN. I’m not sure that you can.

PSYCH. Try me.

MAN. Well, I think I’m a cat.

PSYCH. And how does that make you feel.

MAN. Frightened of dogs.

PSYCH. Have you always been fearful.

MAN. Of what, dogs?

PSYCH. No, of life. Of your father?

MAN. But my father’s not a dog … he’s just a normal bloke. Quite nice really.

MAN BEGINS TO WIPE HIS ARM ACROSS HIS HEAD AND THEN LICK IT.

PSYCH. Why do you need to do that?

MAN. What?

PSYCH. That.

SHE MIMICS HIM.

MAN. Why are you doing that?

PSYCH. What.

MAN. What you just did.

PSYCH. I was trying to demonstrate being a cat.

MAN. Do you like rats and mice.

PSYCH. No.

MAN. Bet that you like cream and being tickled.

PSYCH. Well, I suppose I do but then doesn’t everybody?

MAN. See, no, I know a sociopath dog that hates being stroked. HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT. But he does like cream. Fish?

PSYCH. Yes, I like fish.

MAN. (pulls a gourmet tin of pilchards from his pocket and puts it on the table) Good, eh?

PSYCH.(purrs over them)

MAN. Tut, tut. Bet that when you were a little girl you used to chase pigeons in the streets, didn’t you?

PSYCH. Well … yes I did.

A PIGEON LANDS ON THE WINDOWSILL AND THEY BOTH START TO TWITCH. THE MAN LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT THE BIRD AND FLIES OUT THE WINDOW.

PSYCH. Cat’s you can’t do anything with ‘em.

A good idea. I think that it would be especially funny if the patient played it completely straight until the entry of the bird.

Funny.

I misread it first time and had to reread it.

Thanks for those comments. In ref to waiting for the bird to arrive before he goes all odd, I've puzzled over this for hours. I can perfectly see what you mean by it but how do you sugest I deal with it? Do they have a shorter exchange and then the bird arrives earlier or what?

Yes

Hi Marion

I didn't quite grasp why the psychologist then becomes a cat? It may well be my gin soaked view that's skewing it.

I like the idea that the man thinks he's a cat and slowly proves to the Psych he could be a cat, and would probably develop that further, maybe have the psych jump out the window instead.

I think the 'sociopathic dog' line sounds more like something the psych would say. Maybe that was intentional, i don't know.

After reading it i was expecting a stronger punchline - not too sure what though. Sorry. Maybe a cat related pun or a play on a catfood advert or something.

The dialogue is snappy which i think works well for sketch scenes like these but i think, IMHO, the main overall gag just needs a bit of refining.

Enjoying your stuff and your 'cute enthusiasm' though. Keep both up.

I shall refrain from explaining what it was about and, therefore, making it even less funny but ... what I meant was ..
I actually started out with her jumping and not him - I have no idea how that moves things forward but there ya go!
Never had you booked down as a gin drinker but then when your brain is addled with red wine you don't!!!!!
Cheers, mate. xx

The way I read it, when the man says the line with sociopath dog in it is the point he starts to become the psychiatrist (or rather half psych / half cat) then briefly they both become cats until finally the psych returns to being a psych and the 'cat' jumps out the window.

I think the sketch works as it is for me.

Nice one!