4 LADS IN A BAR

This is the opening scene from a sitcom I'm writing with a certain other member of the site. I'm to blame for most of this though.

SCENE 1 - IN A BAR - FOUR YOUNG MEN ON A SUNDAY LUNCH TIME AFTER PLAYING FOOTBALL.

JOHNNY, 25 AND FLASH, DARREN, 26 AND SINGLE, MICKEY, 30 AND MARRIED AND SEAN, 18 AND SINGLE.
MICKEY COMES TO A TABLE WHERE SEAN AND JOHNNY ARE SITTING.

MICKEY : Hello Seany boy. What's up? You're looking pensive.

SEAN : Naaa. I'm just thinking Mickey.

JOHNNY ; Careful there son. You don't want to overdo it.

SEAN : I think me cartridge has bust.

MICKEY ; So buy a new one then.

SEAN ; What - where can you buy them then?

MICKEY : From the computer shop

SEAN: For me knee?

JOHNNY AND MICKEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS SLOWLY IN DISBELIEF
IN THE BACKGROUND A GIRL SMACKS DARREN ROUND THE FACE.

JOHNNY : 'Old up boys. Did you see that?

DARREN COMES UP TO THE BOYS AT THE TABLE SHEEPISHLY HOLDING HIS CHEEK.

JOHNNY : So what happened there Darren boy?

DARREN : I dunno Johnny? I was only trying to help.

JOHNNY : What did you say to her then?

DARREN : I just asked if she wanted me to hold her jugs.

MICKEY (LAUGHING) : Will you never learn?

DARREN : I was only trying to help her with her drinks Mickey!

SEAN (SNIGGERING) : Yeah - right!

DARREN : I don't think I'll ever understand women.

MICKEY : You never seem to have much luck with them do you.

JOHNNY : And you didn't pull on Friday night either did you?

DARREN : No - I was sure I was in there

JOHNNY : So was I - she was all over you like a rash. So what happened.

DARREN : I walked her home. She asked me in for coffee. I told her I didn't like coffee.

JOHNNY : You what? And that was it?

DARREN : Well - yeah.

JOHNNY : You idiot. You've blown it - again.

SEAN (SNIGGERS): Yeah - right!

DARREN : Do you reckon she fancied me then?

JOHNNY : I don't believe you. Coffee ain't coffee you know.

DARREN : What is it then?

JOHNNY : It's a euphemism - for - you know.

MICKEY : Don't be hard on the boy, Johnny. He obviously hasn't got your pulling power.

JOHNNY : Clearly not. You know what you need son.

DARREN : What's that then?

JOHNNY : You wanna try one of those sex chat lines things. You know - in the lads mags and the sunday papers. I've got a number here. Great fun and nothing to lose.

JOHNNY TAKES A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HIS WALLET WITH A PICTURE OF A SCANTILY CLAD GIRL AND PASSES IT TO DARREN

DARREN : I'm not that sad.

JOHNNY : Oh yes you are my son. Look Darren - it's not that bad. I mean I use them every so often. You know - if I'm feeling a bit pissed off or tense.

SEAN : Let's have a look then.

JOHNNY : Uh - uh Sean. It's strictly for the big boys.

MICKEY : And you Johnny.

DARREN (READING THE CARD) : Local girls it says here.

MICKEY : Could be your Mum Sean.

SEAN (DISGUSTED) : My mum? She doesn't have sex?

MICKEY : So how did you and the other four kids arrive? Immaculate conception?

SEAN : What's that? Some kind of soap?

MICKEY : Maybe something similar. So how do you think you came to be in this world?

SEAN : Oh no! I don't like to think about that kind of thing.

JOHNNY : Actually Sean - I quite fancy your mum. A fine figure of a woman and very tasty for her age too. In fact I reckon she's just the kind of woman working those lines.

SEAN (GETTING ANGRY) : Oi - I told you - my mum don't like that kind of thing.

JOHNNY : That's not what Mickey said.

MICKEY : OK mate - calm down. Now anyway Darren, what do you think?

DARREN : How much will it cost me?

JOHNNY : It won't cost you as much as your pride.

MICKEY : It's all quite harmless really mate.

DARREN (TO MICKEY - SURPRISED) : You don't use them too do you?

MICKEY : Yeah - all the time.

DARREN : But you're married.

MICKEY : And?

DARREN : Well - why do you need to?

MICKEY : Why not?

DARREN : Won't your missus will find out?

MICKEY : No mate - mobile.

JOHNNY : Aren't you worried she'll see the bill?

MICKEY : No fears mate. It's not my contract one. I've got another mobile specially emergencies - if you know what I mean (HE WINKS) and this.

JOHNNY : What pay as you go?

MICKEY : More like "pay as you come".

That looks quite good Dave, love the gag at the end. I'll stick something of mine on over the weekend. I like a lot of quick gags, one after the other, like not going out. Maybe that's where i'm going wrong.

Jusr remember, you can please some of the people some of the time...and sod the rest.

Funnily (!) enough I've had this around for a few months and as soon as I posted it I had terrible doubts.

Personally I'd cut the Jugs bit out, It just felt to me cheap and nasty that made me kinda not wanna continue reading, but after that it got better the dialogue is nice. There are some witty bits of dialogue and the end payoff is good.

Yeah - maybe you're right Gav.

When I read it through it looked a bit dodgy. It's loosely based on truth though.

some nice gags in this but it went on a little too long for me. Thats just subjective taste however.

It's the first scene in a sitcom. Maybe it did go on a bit. I'll knock out some irrelevent bits.

Of these 4 characters only 2 of them really appear again.

I'm not really qualified to give advice but i suggest having the same scene but with just the two major characters.

I presume thats Darren and either johnny or mickey?

I think it needs at least 3. Maybe I'll change one because there is a need later on for the references.

Also who is qualified?

That's why I put it on here - for some comments. Thanks all!

It seems like good stuff. All the best with it.

If some of the jokes are intended to be call backs then they may not be funny at this point but will further along. So as a segement it would appear "Less Funny" Then if we saw the whole thing.

As long as it's all clear in your head us readers will catch up.

I can't really add anything to what's already been said. The negatives of perhaps a little too long and busy were dealt with and the possitives were some nice jokes and excellent punchline.
Gavin's post about call backs sounds like something too technical for me to talk about so I'll shut up.
Well done, you!

Probably just me, but I really like the exchange:
"You're looking pensive."
"Naaa. I'm just thinking."

Four blokes talking about sex over a beer after football. I suspect passing the 'first ten pages' test will be very difficult.

Quote: JohnnyD @ October 27, 2007, 10:23 AM

Probably just me, but I really like the exchange:
"You're looking pensive."
"Naaa. I'm just thinking."

Four blokes talking about sex over a beer after football. I suspect passing the 'first ten pages' test will be very difficult.

View original

Thanks Johnny.

That line was said by someone at work years ago and has become legendary.

I will rework it though.