DEAD BEAT.
INT. DAY. UNDERTAKERS.
UNDERTAKER LEADS TWO YOUNG WOMEN INTO CHAPEL OF REST WHERE THE DEAD BODY OF A YOUNG MAN IS LYING ON A PLINTH. THE BODY IS PREPARED FOR VIEWING BUT NOT YET IN A COFFIN.
UNDERTAKER. If you need me then I shall be in the office. I’ll leave you alone. Do feel free to stay as long as you wish.
CLAIRE. Thank you.
SUE. Yes, thank you.
THE UNDERTAKER SMILES SYMPATHETICALLY AND CLOSES THE DOOR LEAVING THE CRYING GIRLS ALONE WITH THE BODY.
CLAIRE. God, Sue, I can’t believe that Jack’s gone.
THE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY SPOOKED AND LEAN TO LOOK AT THE BODY FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. THEY BEGIN TO SOB UNCONTROLLABLY. SUE PULLS A BOTTLE OF VODKA FROM HER POCKET. THEY BOTH SWIG FROM THE HALF DRUNK BOTTLE.
SUE. He looks great, doesn’t he?
THEY BOTH CREEP A BIT CLOSER.
CLAIRE. Do you think so?
SUE. Yes. …… Well, when I say great, I mean … asleep.
CLAIRE. He doesn’t look asleep to me, he looks … dead.
THEY SWIG HEAVILY FROM THE BOTTLE.
SUE. Do you wanna fag?
SHE PULLS OUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES, TAKES ONE AND OFFERS ONE TO CLAIRE.
CLAIRE. You can’t smoke in here.
SUE LIGHTS UP.
SUE. Too late.
CLAIRE LIGHTS UP TOO AND THEY SWIG THE VODKA. THE PAIR ARE NOW QUITE DRUNK AND LEAN AGAINST THE WALL. GRADUALLY SUE SLIDES TO THE FLOOR AND CLAIRE SITS ON THE CHAIR.
CLAIRE. Yes, he looks ok in view of what happened.
SUE. True.
CLAIRE. Not nice.
SUE. Not nice.
CLAIRE. Not nice at all, in view of it.
SUE. In view of what?
CLAIRE. What happened.
SUE. What happened?
CLAIRE. I don’t know.
SUE. Well, how do you know that he looks good in view of it?
CLAIRE. Well, it was some kind of car crash, wasn’t it? So he looks ok in view of that.
SUE. I heard that they picked bits of him up off the road.
CLAIRE. Well, he definitely looks good in view of that.
SUE. He does.
THEY FINALLY FINISH THE BOTTLE OF VODKA. CLAIRE STANDS AND LEANS OVER THE BODY.
CLAIRE. He’s wearing make-up. ‘Spose that’d help him to look better.
SUE. That’s odd.
CLAIRE. But he was a bit odd in some ways.
SUE. Like?
CLAIRE. He had a huge knob, you know.
SUE. (hoots with laughter) Get out! How do you know?
CLAIRE. How do you think that I know?
SUE. You didn’t?
CLAIRE. I did.
THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS.
SUE. When you say huge … this sort of size?
SHE INDICATES WITH HER HANDS.
CLAIRE SHAKES HER HEAD AND MOVES HER HANDS OUTWARD.
SUE. No!!
THEY SIT IN SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS. LOOKING AT THE BODY.
CLAIRE. I’ll show you. I think he’d be proud.
SUE. Definitely.
THEY PULL THE NEAT COVER BACK AND PEER UNDERNEATH SUE GASPS AND THE GIRLS CHUCKLE.
CLAIRE. I told you.
SUE. Very impressive.
CLAIRE BUMPS THE TABLE AND A FOOT DROPS OFF THE BODY. SHE PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT.
CLAIRE. Shit!
SHE TRIES TO FIT THE FOOT BACK BUT IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR AGAIN.
CLAIRE. Shit!
SHE LEANS HEAVILY AGAINST THE TABLE AND AN ARM DROPS OFF.
SUE. For Christ’s sake, can’t you be more careful?
SUE PICKS UP THE ARM AND WAVES IT. CATCHING THE HEAD OF THE BODY WHICH DROPS OFF.
CLAIRE. What are we going to do now?
SUE. Stick his head in your shopping bag and I can get his arm and foot in mine.
CLAIRE. And what are we going to say if we get stopped?
SUE. We’ll just say he’s a friend we‘re taking him for a walk..
CLAIRE. Isn’t it illegal to take fundamental bits of your friend for a walk. Like, for instance, his head and not his body?
SUE. Trust me.
THEY STUFF THE BODY PARTS INTO THE BAGS AND COMPOSE THEMSELVES. THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND SLIDE OUT TO MEET THE UNDERTAKER.
UNDERTAKER. The funeral will be on Monday, will you be attending?
SUE. Highly unlikely.
CLAIRE. Nooooo.
UNDERTAKER. He’s with you, you know?
SUE. Yep. He really is.
CLAIRE. You’re not wrong, there.
THE UNDERTAKER SHOWS THEM TO THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT BEHIND THEM.
CLAIRE. Run.
THE PAIR SCARPER INTO THE DISTANCE..
