British Comedy Guide

Neighbours

Val & June
Statues
By Thief Of Bad Gags
Two women chatting over the fence

June: eeee what about those statues, Val

Val: What about our husbands, June

June: (Giggles) You are funny, Val

Val: I've got a statue in doors

June: You have?

Val: Oh yeah, I've got a lard arse

June: ooooh Lord House. I've never heard of him before, is he victorian?

Val: Oh yeah, sort of. It's my Trev the lard arse as I call him

June: (Giggles) Oh I see, you are funny, Val. My Ted's just the same. Do ya know he's not moved since he's been on this furlough. The Government's got a lot t' answer to

Val: Don't mention furlough to me, be glad when lard arses goes back to work, bloody virus

June: Pulling them down and rolling them over, they are, Val

Val: Chance 'ill be a fine thing

June: And they want to get their hands on Nelson's column

Val; Lucky Nelson

June: (Giggles) eeee ya funny, Val

Val: You have t' have a sense of humour living with Trev. Does tha know he's the only statue that shits on a bird

June: (Giggles) ooooh don't Val, you'll be making me wat-ter the lawn, ya know how weak I am down below. (More giggles)

Val: Well it's true, June. Only job he's done this furlough is dismantle the drinks cabinet

June: So has my Ted and watch Netflix

Val: Talking of Netflix, nosey cow next-door keeps spying on me from her bedroom window.

June: Probably seeing what thas got on ya washing line, ya know, latest fashion like

Val: Well, she's out of luck there then isn't she. The way lard arse keeps me I may as well hang bin liners on mi line

Trev: ( Shouting from the upstairs bathroom window) Vaaaaaaaaaaaal

Val: Oh here we go,

Trev: Gerrus some bog roll, someones not put a new one back

June: (giggles)

Val: Oh, I wonder who?

June: Well, I'll let you get off to see to your Trev Val, lovely to catch up with ya

Val: Hi lass, si thee later

Trev: Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

Val: I'M COMING KEEP YA FRIGGIN HAIR ON

Val & June
Meter Readings
By Thief of Bad Gags
Two middle age women standing at their garden fence on a lovely summer's morning.

June: eeee what about that new thingy mi bob, Val?

Val: Rampant Rabbit?

June: oooow no Val (Looks around) not that (Giggles) no, that new facial recognition thingy they're going to roll out

Val: Hope they give me one

June: Why you?

Val: So I can recognise Trev's face agen, I've only seen the back of his head during furlough. All he ever does is watch that chuffin telly.

June: Yeah, same with my Ted. Loves the history channel he does

Val: Trev's the same. He listens to Adolf Hitler more than he listens to what I've got to say

June: They've spent billions on inventing that facial thingy mi bob

Val: Yeah well, waste of money if you ask me

June: How come?

Val: Folk wearing face masks these days cause of the virus, the machines won't know who it is from Adam

June: Oh yeah, I never thought of it like that, you are clever, Val

Val: (Eyes roll to the right) Won't be a waste of money on next door though, what with all the new faces going in and out of there

June: (Giggles) covers her mouth

Val: She won't have a smart meter cause she still likes her meters read

June: What, she still likes them taken down?

Val: As well as the meter readings

June: oooow I say

Val: Lecci and gas board goin' in and out shake it all about do the hokey cokey (Winks)

June: Checkin' her utilities?

Val: No doubt they do.

June: Ooow I wonder if my utilities want checkin' out?

Val: (Looks down at June's chest) I wouldn't bother if I was you, June

Trev: Vaaaaaaaaaal how much longer is this washin' machine on for only smart meter's running faster than Usain Bolt

Val: I'm going to look on Ebay for an electric chair for him and see how the lecci bill racks up then?

June: (Giggles) oooow you are funny, Val

Val: Aye, ya 'ave to be living with him. You take care June love, catcha later.

Trev: Vaaaaaaaal

Val: ( Stomps off) I'M COMIN' KEEP YA CHUFFIN' HAIR ON

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