Grumpy Trees
Two trees on a suburban street
Oak: Oh I don't believe it? That God damn Blackbird. Won't she ever keep her gob shut? Oh she's back again, back and forth, back and forth, don't Butterflies ever know where they are going? Just pick a spot and just bloody fly to it, how difficult can it be?
SFX (A blow of breath) Go away! bloody Greenfly, they get on my leaves.
Ash: Monday is it Oak?
Oak : Monday? Tuesday, Wednesday every bloody day's the bloody same. I've had it up to here. Two hundred years of it, I hate being a tree.
Ash: It's so boring being a tree
Oak : You can say that again
SFX (Lawnmower starts up)
Oak : Oh for crying out loud
Ash : It's that man with no foliage on his head
Oak: Yeah, that's five lawns mowed today on this street, why on earth don't the whole street do it at the same time then we can all enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.
Ash: Oh eck!
Oak: What's up now?
Ash : Not up it's down
Oak: Oh I see (Chuckle)
Ash: That God damn dog, why on earth does he always do it on me? It always stains me yellow.
Oak: At least that's one bright spot of the day ( chuckles)
Ash: For you it may be, but he's always regular has clock work, is it any wonder I stink?
Oak: ( Sniffs) Yeah, the fragrance isn't quite Alpine Forest?
Ash: Oh why did I have to be a tree
SFX ( Summer sounds, insects birds)
Oak: God it's hot?
Ash: Yeah (Blows out breath)
Oak: Mother Nature's got it all wrong, Ash!
Ash: She has?
Oak: Oh yeah, it should be the other way around ya know. Instead of having leaves on in the summer we should have them on in the winter to keep us warm and not freezing our knots off!
Ash: I never thought of it that way
Oak: Yeah, well I have
Ash: Come to think of it I can't feel my roots the ground being so hard
Oak: Yeah it would be nice to stretch ones rootys
SFX Birds singing
Ash: Hey! She still looks a beauty?
Oak: Eh? Oh you mean Holly across the street?
Ash: Pwhoar! I wouldn't mind giving . . .
Oak: Well there's no chance of you ever doing that Ash
Ash: And why is that?
Oak: You are rooted to the same God damn spot, you're a tree remember?
Ash: (Heavy sigh) I hate being a tree
Oak: She loves me you know, always compliments my acorns
Ash: Yeah, on how small they are (chuckles)
Oak: Har har
Ash: Only thing that rises these days is my sap
Oak: Do you know every Autumn I wait for her to drop her leaves so I can see her naked, but oh no oh no Mother Nature's not going to let me have my urges.
Ash: She's evergreen
Oak: I know Ash for God's sake stop reminding me
Ash: Sorry
SFX Birds tweeting
Both together ( Big sigh) It's boring being a tree
SFX Ice cream van playing a tune of Popeye the Sailor man
Ash: Oh no not again
Oak: If I hear that bloody tune once more I'm going to. . .
Ash: You're going to do what?
Oak: I'm going to, I'm going to to , oh forget it
Ash: Why doesn't it have a different tune?
Oak: Oh there they go, those bloody noisy kids shouting 'Ice-cream.' Well, I'm going to scream in a bit!
SFX Dogs barking
Ash: Oh for crying out loud they've set them off now
Oak: Just for once, can't we enjoy the summer?
Ash: We have to move to the countryside, Oak?
Oak: And how we going to do that?
Ash: Whoops! Sorry
Both together: Because we're BLOODY TREES
