Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfunn for shinking. Your prize is to PM me a new slutjec. Meanwhilst...
Next slapperjack: Travel
Leg closed: 5.6.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Name
10 Gappy
6 Playfull
5 Firkin
2 Patrick
1 Otterfox, Tiggy, me
Scroughtems 29.5 - 5.6.20
PLACE SCHOOL
TOM and DICK.
TOM I can never remember those islands I visited...
DICK Seychelles?
TOM 'Shells'. I can never remember those islands I visited...
DICK Cocos?
TOM I'm not hungry.
DICK Algiers?
TOM Does he? That's not very nice.
DICK Cook?
TOM I told you, I'm not hungry.
DICK Maldives?
TOM Does he? Better than jeering.
DICK Bering.
TOM Skinny dipping? Still, better'n jeering.
DICK Prince Edward?
TOM I keep telling you, not hungry... Maybe it was a country.
DICK Oh, man!
TOM No, not there.
DICK Turkey?
TOM I keep telling you...
DICK Hungary?
TOM For the last time...
DICK Congo.
TOM No you can't. Stay.
DICK Muscat.
TOM No you mustn't! Stay.
DICK Guinea?
TOM No, for free.
DICK Seoul?
TOM I prefer rock.
DICK India?
TOM No, rockier, please.
DICK Lisbon?
TOM I lisbon to rock, yes.
DICK Baghdad?
TOM Don't need one, son.
DICK New Guinea?
TOM No, still for free.
DICK Siberia?
TOM Then he should drink less.
DICK Kola?
TOM No, beer, duh!
DICK Iran?
TOM Good, 'e might work off 'is gut.
DICK Iraq?
TOM 'Is brains? Me too.
DICK Azores.
TOM 'E didn't see me.
DICK Madira.
TOM Is she? Why?
DICK Czechia.
TOM Why can't you?
DICK Czechoslovakia.
TOM Check her WHAT?
DICK Russia.
TOM Why can't you?
DICK Alaska!
TOM I f**king hate that joke.
DICK Okay. Jamaica?
TOM That was it.
VOICE: Welcome to lesson one of The Easy Way To Learn Eskimo.
Kyesh-tu-ah [BEEP] the whalemeat is on the sledge
Neck-out-voot nahng-ock [BEEP] mind the snow
Meck-soosh-too-ah [BEEP]snow
Crow-too-ah [BEEP] a different type of snow
Shy-oo-mick merry-sing-a [BEEP] the snow is over there, just by the snow
Comic-sig-kah maht-soong-uk [BEEP] snow is snowing onto the snowy snow
Aht-koo-kah maht-soong-uk [BEEP] basically, it boils down to "snow"
Ah-yo-koo-chett-oo-a [BEEP] How do I access room service?
Spitz-cot; Keen-o-gak [BEEP] You can't. But you can have some snow.
Noo-tick Yakutat [BEEP] What time does the bus to Yajutat leave?
Kite-loon yock-shig-ta kip-oosy-vig-a-moon [BEEP] There is no bus. There is only snow. There has only ever been snow. Everywhere, always, white unending snow. Drifts that scour the eyes, blank escarpments eroding the self. Eternal snow.
Tahng [BEEP] What?
Pah-tah-gah-mick tight-ah -You are either with the snow or against the snow. Join us. Join us in the cold, cold snow.
MANY VOICES: Join us. Feel the chilly destiny. Or perish
VOICE: Aaaargh![BEEP] Aaaargh!
ONBOARD A FLIGHT, TWO STAFF MEMBERS ARE CHATTING IN THE PREP AREA.
STEVE: So your second cousin in America is related to Spielberg and that's a different cousin to the one that knows Danny Boyle, that's lucky. So you'll give him a copy of my CD right ?
EVE: Sure, why not, I'll give Peter a copy of your movie for a hundred quid. Why is it called Slanger and the Slags ?
STEVE: It's actually pronounced Slonger, it's my blue movie name.
EVE: But it's your real name with an ever so slightly different pronunciation, in a gay porn film, do you think that's wise ?
STEVE: It's not gay porn and it's the only movie I've been in.
EVE: Come on, you must be bisexual at least.
STEVE: Oh please ! Just because I'm camp.
EVE: Yeah, let's go with that.
STEVE: I'm an actor I can act any way you want [BEAT] except butch.
EVE: Well act professional, [PUSHING THE TROLLY] we needs to get the drinks out.
STEVE: [CALLING] Dinks, snacks. We've got a special on Nicki Minogue's new fragrance.
C1: [AMERICAN ACCENT] Can I have a Canadian dry please ?
STEVE: What like, William Shatner ?
C1: No, Canadian dry is a brand; ginger bear.
STEVE: Are you calling me queer ?
C1: No I'm trying to order a drink, this may surprise you but I'm not interested in your sex life, unless you've tossed one off in the milk. Look if you've not got ginger be.., stuff I'll take a coke.
STEVE: No problem sir ! Please note the seal was freshly broken before I pore your cock, I mean coke.
C1: "Seal", Is it a virgin coke ? I kinda want some nuts but I'm worried you might make a big thing about it.
STEVE: It's just that ginger beer is cockney slang...
C1: Cockney Slang ! How did you know ? You're from the New York times aren't you ? She looked 16 to me and the other one looked at least 17, it's not my fault they lied, don't look at me like that. I loved my Cockney Slang off licence, we were the only store in America to sell alcoholic jellied eels. I lost my business to a 15 year old with hooky ID.
STEVE: Wow, exactly the same thing happened to me ! Only she wasn't 15 she was 45 and it wasn't fake ID they were fake breasts and it wasn't my business I lost, it was my vergi..
C1: Oh crap, look if it makes you feel better, I believed you when you said you aren't gay. OK ?
STEVE: Why on earth did you feel the need to tell me that ?
C1: I've just noticed Slanger and the Slags is the in flight movie and I lied about not being interested in your sex life. I'm watching this.
STEVE: Oh how embarrassing. [BEAT] That's not me it's my twin brother and it's pronounced Slonger.
C1: Yeah right, you have exactly same names ?
STEVE: Well we were separated at birth and adopted by completely different families, in completely different countries, hence the slightly different pronunciation. Potato, Potarto and all that.
C1: You can not be serious, completely different families with exactly the same surnames, that's bull.
STEVE: Well the customer is always right, so I'm going to agree with you. Got to go. [HE MOVES QUICKLY TO THE BACK LOBBING BAGS OF NUTS OR FACE WIPES AT CUSTOMERS] Good catch sir. [FINDS EVE]Why is my video being used as in flight entertainment ? This is so embarrassing.
EVE: Don't sweat it, I can make all this go away for just £200 . Also I'll need you to sign off all these passenger arrival cards, I'm not doing it.
STEVE: Deal. Now what ?
EVE: Stephen, this plain has been charted by the Eighteen to thirty holiday company. They insisted on a saucy movie, no one is complaining. [SNATCHES THE £200 OUT OF STEVE'S HANDS] Now hurry up with those cards, they're paying £5 a pop for your signature.
A grand total of two. I counted. This is like the good old days. Gappy but F**king was fun too.
I'm sorry i didn't get a post up. I was working solid for the last three days to try and get my entry for the BBC's G&S Bursary thing. And true to form still f**king missed the entry deadline. I had intended to do an update on my Last light bus sketch so i might still get those ideas out of my head and stick them here anyway - out of comp.
Not to blow smoke up any ones arse but i feel the skit comp entries are stepping up a notch. i feel there is a touch of quality about a lot of the work,
Really liked this from Gappy "the snow is over there, just by the snow" But my vote goes to Michael for shear attrition.
Sorry you missed the deadline Playful. My vote goes to Michael this week. That double act thing suits your style. Although Gappy's piece was very innovative.
The very last Light Bus
Sticking it here out of comp, as i don't have any where else to stick it!
Balham high street, nearly midnight.
A couple are in a hurry.
MAN: I think we can cut through just down here. Only It has been a few years. (HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE LIGHT BUS STANDING AT ITS STOP) Whoa! (HE STOPS IN HIS TRACKS)
WOMAN: (LOOKING AROUND) What? Where? Is there something behind that pile of crap?
MAN: It's a light bus. It's the light bus. I thought I had dreamt it.
WOMAN: It looks like a pile of crap in a crap museum and someone has stolen the museum. Let's find Uber Street and get off this pile of..
HE WAVES HIS HAND. AND SHE IS MUTED. TO HER OBVIOUS ANGER.
MAN: Oh, I am going to pay for that.
WE SEE THE WOMAN IS A HOLOGRAM AND THE ANGRIER SHE GETS THE MORE HER IMAGE FLICKERS AND SHOWS INTERFERENCE.
HE APPROACHES THE BUS AND WHEN HE GETS CLOSE THE DOOR OPENS WITH A WHOOSH.
MAN: It whooshed, the door whooshed.
DRIVER: It does, it's what it does.
MAN: And it's you? The Driver?
DRIVER: (FAKING EXCITEMENT) Yea! It's me, the driver! In the bit where the driver sits!
MAN: You don't remember me do you?
DRIVER: Of course I remember you, You are that bloke who has just walked up to my bus and started talking. How could I forget you?
MAN: I nearly got on your bus a couple of years ago.
DRIVER: Nearly got on eh? Now how could I forget that.
MAN: You scared me off. Told me how dangerous travelling on the light bus was. I thought I had dreamt it.
DRIVER: Ok, that sounds a bit like me.
MAN: I searched the whole of CeeFax 2.0 and couldn't find anything about working Light buses.
DRIVER: Well you won't will you. CeeFax 2.0 Is owned by Uber. After Google filled up with food selfies and pictures of cats that just left Uber in control of all the information.
MAN: "In Uber we trust"
DRIVER: Any way, her days are numbered (HE PATS THE STEERING WHEEL).
MAN: Right, today is Tuesday would that be a 2 or a 3?
DRIVER: No, I mean they are scrapping her at the end of the month. Your silently screaming friend. Doesn't look too happy with you?
MAN: No, she is my hollo girlfriend, It's not going well. Yeah I've just remembered, before, It was when they introduced sentient meat products.
DRIVER: I remember those. What was the slogan?
MAN: Why dine alone when you can have a meal and a chat.
DRIVER: That's it.
MAN: Before, when I didn't get on the bus, I left my girlfriend here she was a Kebab.
DRIVER: I remember you now, and her. she was very tasty.
MAN: You ate her?
DRIVER: No, I meant she was attractive. A Kebab and a Hologram? Don't you like real women?
MAN: They don't like me. Even my Kebab left me and I caught my holo girlfriend trying to post herself back to Argos. What happened to my Kebab?
DRIVER: She wanted to travel so we made her an honouree clippie.
MAN: Well at least she got to see the stars.
(THEY BOTH STARE AT THE NIGHT SKY)
DRIVER: Not really. I forgot the Gravity field dampeners are only aligned with the seats. Hence the underlining on the no standing sign.
MAN: What happened?
DRIVER: First trip out she was vaporised as we left the stop.
MAN AND DRIVER: (TOGETHER) Atmospheric friction...
MAN: That's so sad.
DRIVER: Do you fancy a quick trip round IO?
MAN: Really? That would be so cool. How much?
DRIVER: It's on me. She only does Light Speed so she's not as fast as an uber or the new Deliveroo quantum bikes. But let's have one last blast before they scrap her.
MAN: (GETTING ON BUS) I better remember to sit down.
DRIVER: God yes, and I wouldn't sit on the back seat, we never really managed to get the grease stain out.
Brilliant. Cheers.
So sorry, everyone, I completely forgot about this. However, as I would have voted for Michael (very strong wordplay with shades of Ronnie Barker) my absence had zero impact, thankfully.
In the words of Sylvia Plath, cheers mate.
In the words of Ted Hughes, don't make a big bloody deal of it, darlin'.