Researchers want to add Diarrhoea to the existing three symptoms which trigger a covid test.
Health Secretary Matt Hancock said. "If you have a cough, fever, loss of smell and a turd, please wear a nappy to stop the spread."
FAKING NEWS Page 8
Last week burning debris fell from a Boeing jet and landed in a residential area near Denver, Colorado.
A woman shouted to her neighbour. "Michelle, there's an engine on your back yard," and Michelle replied. "Is he a Sioux or Cherokee?"
On Saturday, organisers of a church meet-up in Nottingham heard from God. "Be fruitful and increase in numbers and fill the carpark," and an even bigger God, Insp James Walker said. "Thy shall be struck down with a £10,000 fine."
'Early Data' is showing a reduction in transmissions in people who have had a coronavirus vaccination. Health secretary Matt Hancock said. "This is very disappointing and worrying for my friends and Tory Party donors."
Unable to be in mission control due to Covid Professor Sanjeev Gupta a Nasa scientist is helping to control the Mars Rover from a UK flat above a hairdressers. Nasa is really impressed with the Rovers short back and sides movements.
Scrabble bosses have sparked a row by banning words including "Farting" and "Boobies" The Association of British Scrabble Players hit back at the Woke brigade by saying they're talking BOLLOCKS which gave them sixteen points.
Comic Vic Reeves faked Sting's autograph on albums while working in a record shop. Mr Reeves is now being questioned by The Police
The NHS has paid out more than £4 million for needlessly removing testicles, but is finding it difficult to remove the Health Secretary Matt Hancock
50,000 dangerous breast implants seized at Felixstowe have been shredded and sold as fuel to a power station. Householders in Felixstowe can now buy the new energy saving light boobs
An arsonist ran off with his feet on fire after torching three cars in Weedon Bec, Northants. Police are now searching for a man with matching shoes.
A 4000 year old Bronze-Age stone map was unearthed today in France, but still not quite as old as Boris Johnson's roadmap for lifting lockdown restrictions say archaeologists
Guests danced into the night to the 3 Fiddlers at Boris Johnson's wedding. A guest said. "The 3 cabinet members were spiffing, but least could be said for the musicians. "
A Rotherham amateur Tightrope Walking Club has failed to raise money for a safety net due to a big drop in members
TV adventurer Bear Grylls is building a £20 million mega-apartment. "Once finished," he said. "I will celebrate with a glass of my own urine."
Two Tube signs for the Bushey Heath extension, which was never built, may fetch £2,100 at a London sale next month. HS2 North signs will be on sale the month after
Botherham town is experiencing bin collection delays due to driver shortages. When asked how bad it has been for the town a council spokesperson said. "It's wheelie bin bad."