BSG COMP 24.10-31.10 - PETS

Hi all

Well I'm blowed (well I'd like to be). We have THREE WINNERS!!! They are Lazzard (again!), Frankie and Cinnamon. Three-way congratulations and a plea for ideas for next week.

You win 10 big shiny points each and the prestige of knowing people like your stuff.

Votes - Points - Name
02 - 10 - Lazzard
02 - 10 - Frankie
02 - 10 - Cinnamon

In the absence of a suggestion for this week's comp I flicked open a buke at random and found the word 'blowjob'. Changed books and got 'dogs' - too specific so I plumped for PETS.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Wed 31 October

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

50 - Baumski
40 - Jude
30 - Charley Rance
27 - Frankie
20 - Lazzard
17 - Michael Monkhouse
16 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
10 - Cinnamon
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
07 - EllieJP
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? PM me. Thanks

INT. PET SHOP - INSECT/ARACHNID SECTION - DAY

DAD STARES INTO A SPIDER TANK. THE TARANTULA LOOKS DEAD. IN THE BACKGROUND A LARGE ANTEATER, IN AN OVERCOAT AND HAT IS STUDYING THE ANT FARMS.

DAD
Are you sure this is what you want?

DAD TAPS THE GLASS TO WAKE IT UP. THE LARGE ANT EATER LOOKS AROUND AND
DIPS HIS NOSE INTO THE ANT FARM. SUCKING UP THE ANTS WITH HIS LONG TONGUE.

DAD (CONT'D)
It looks dead.

SHOP ATTENDANTS HAVE SPOTTED THE ANT EATER, AND ARE TRYING TO PULL HIM AWAY, BUT HE CLAWS AT THE TABLE TO KEEP HIS NOSE IN THE FARM. SON READS FROM THE INFORMATION BOARD BY THE TANK.

SON
It's says here that it’s going through a shedding cycle, every 5 months it increases in size and has to shed its skin.

THE ANT EATER IS DRAGGED OFF KICKING AND SCREAMING.

SON (CONT'D)
These spiders will grow quite large and require special tanks to regulate their environment.

DAD
Quite large you say?

START DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. NEWMAN’S LIVINGROOM - DAY
DAD IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. THE TARANTULA IS NEXT TO THE COUCH. WIFE APPROACHES DAD SHE IS DRESSED UP AS A STEREOTYPE NAGGING WIFE, WEARING AN APRON AND CARRYING A ROLLING PIN.

WIFE
Tedious chores!! Tedious chores!!

THE TARANTULA SHEDS ITS SKIN, AND STEPS OUT OF ITS DISUSED HUSK. IT'S NOW OVER 5 FEET TALL AND GROWLS AT WIFE.

EXT. BUSY CITY STREET - DAY

THERE IS A MASSIVE TAIL BACK AS A SINGLE CAR TRIES TO REVERSE PARK. DAD SITS ON THE BACK OF HIS MASSIVE TARANTULA RIDING IT LIKE A HORSE. DAD KICKS HIS HEELS IN AND PULLS THE REIGN.

DAD
HE-YAA

THE SPIDER CRAWLS UP THE WALL AND RUNS TO THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE. LEAPING DOWN BESIDE THE OFFENDING CAR, THE GIANT SPIDER PICKS THE CAR UP AND HURLS IT INTO THE SKY

INT. NEWMAN’S LIVINGROOM - DAY

HIS WIFE IS DRESSED IN A SLUTTY BLACK OUTFIT, SHE CAN’T KEEP HER HANDS OFF DAD. THE KIDS ARE SUSPENDED IN A MASSIVE SPIDER’S WEB ABOVE, THEIR MOUTHS ARE WEBBED SHUT. DAD IS DRESSED LIKE HERCULES FROM JASON AND ARGONAUTS.

Wife
That family pet you bought us is the greatest.

DAD THROWS HEAD BACK

DAD
Huzzah!

END DREAM SEQUENCE

INT./EXT. NEWMAN’S FRONTDOOR - DAY

WIFE OPENS THE DOOR TO DAD AND SON. DAD HOLDING A SADDLE UNDER ONE ARM, AND A SPIDER’S TANK UNDER THE OTHER. HIS FACE POSITIVELY BEAMING.

DAD
Well? What do you think?

EDITED

PET SHOP

MUM AND DAUGHTER CHIMP GO INTO A PET SHOP

DAUGHTER : Oh mum. Can I have one of them please? They're so cute.

MUM : No - you've had one before and you never looked after it then.

DAUGHTER : Yes - but I'm older now.

MUM : Well - maybe. But you must be prepared to exercise it and clean up after it.

DAUGHTER : I will mum - I promise.

MUM : I'll remember that.

THEY GO UP TO THE CHIMP SHOP ASSISTANT

MUM : How much are the humans?

ASSISTANT : Depends what type you want.

MUM LOOKS AT DAUGHTER

MUM : Well?

DAUGHTER : What are those ones?

ASSISTANT : We call them Chavs. They're seven fifty each or two for a tenner.

DAUGHTER : Ooh mum. Can I have two please?

MUM : Most definitely not. Just make do with one.

DAUGHTER : Awe - mum!

MUM : No - most definitely not. If you get 2 of the same sex they fight all the time.

DAUGHTER : What about one of each?

MUM : No - in no time they'll have bred like rabbits.

Scene 1

A bedraggled young man on the street. He passes a Dumpster, which holds an adult-sized dog costume, with a giant head and a lolling tongue. He glances around and then begins to climb into the costume. The camera then cuts to pictures of him in the costume, carrying the head under his arm. He puts the head in place, flops down onto all fours and then looks up at a large suburban home. At the door of the home he rings the bell and sits, looking forlorn. A middle class family come en masse to the door, 'awww' collectively, stroke the head and motion the man inside.

Scene 2

A middle class kitchen. The mother and a friend are talking. From the adjoining room there comes the sound of children's laughter and barking.

Friend
Goodness, it sounds like Bonzo really gets on with the kids.

Mum
Oh yes...

They look into the next room, a living room, where the man - still in full costume - is dealing cards to two children and a teenager. He is contentedly smoking a cigar.

Mum
He's giving Adam driving lessons while Martin's away.

Man enters the house with a blanket over a cage.
The woman is sitting on the couch clapping her hands furiously in anticipation.
The man starts to sing Happy Birthday & the woman gets more & more excited.
Finally he whips the blanket off to reveal a lizard with a pink bow around his neck. The woman stops clapping & stares horrified.

Woman
(Mouth agape) What the F**k is that.

Man
(Frowning) It’s a Lizardy thing.

Woman
(Breathing hard with anger) I said cute little puppy with big brown eyes or a little kitten all fluffy & scared. That’s a f**king dinosaur.Get rid of it.

Man
Look you can call him Eddie after that comedian. (He takes Eddie out of his cage & holds him up) Awwwww look Mummy its Eddie Lizard.

Woman
(Arms Folded) I hate that comedian, I hate you & I hate that lizardy thing. (Starts to cry) I wanted a little puppy, company for those long nights when you are out with your nasty friends. (Points at Eddie) Not that ugly C**t

Man
Awwww he is looking at you. He wants you to love him. Surely you can find some room in that heart of yours for Eddie.

THE LIZARD LICKS THE WOMANS FACE. AT FIRST SHE IS HORRIFIED. THEN THE EYES OF EDDIE MEET WITH THE WOMAN AND FOR 10 SECONDS THERE IS SILENCE.

Woman
He has the face of an anus,(Holds out her arms) but give it to me. He looks like you. I am changing his name to baby though. It adds a cute edge..

Man hands the lizard over to the woman.

She holds it up in front of her.
(Baby voice) Is you a little didlidor. Is you a saurous, Awwwww mummy will get you a slice of Daddys best ham.

Cut to 6 months later
.
There is a crocodile lounging on the 4 seater sofa. The woman is sat on the end of the sofa with the crocs head in her lap.
The man is sat, huddled on the floor, in the corner of the room, shaking with fright. Everytime he moves The crocodile snaps at him.

Man
Erm I might go out with my mates tonight. Its been 3 months since I saw them.

Woman
(Shouts) NASTY MATES!

THE CROCODILE LEAPS OF THE SOFA AND HURLS ITSELF AT THE MAN. SNAPING ITS HUGE JAW & BEARING ITS MASSIVE TEETH INTO HIS FACE. THICK DRIBBLE GOO IS RUNNING FROM ITS MEGA LONG TONGUE, INTO THE WIDE OPEN SCREAMING MANS MOUTH.
THE MAN STARTS TO WHIMPER.

Man
(Pathetic voice) Ok I will stay in with Mummy & Baby.

Woman
(Whistles) Here Baby. (The croc returns back to the sofa, Mummy starts to stroke his head).

EXT. DAY. TWO OLD MEN WALKING AROUND A VILLAGE GREEN.

BERT:
It's lovely to see people and their pets, Ted..

TED:
Aye ..and it's surprising what pets some folk have these days..

BERT:
Indeed, Ted ..look there's Mrs Johnson with her duck.. a pleasure to watch her taking it for a walk like that, isn't it Ted

TED:
Yes, what a beautiful creature.. and just imagine it roasted with Yorkshire Pudding Bert..

BERT:
Oh yes Ted, delicious..

TED:
Do you think the duck would find a new owner, Bert

BERT:
Yes Ted, someone's sure to take it in..

Every time my dog enters the room, thrustful humping up the leg ensues... He struggles but he likes it really.

DOG DAYS.

MUM AND DAD PITBULL TERRIERS ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE. THEY LOOK ANXIOUS. A VERY YOUNG MALE PITBULL ENTERS. HE IS THEIR SON.

DAD. Son, we need to have a chat.

MUM NODS IN SUPPORT. SON IS VERY ’TEENAGE’ AND STRUTS ABOUT.

SON. What?

MUM. Don’t be like that, darling.

SON. Like what, eh?

DAD. Please sit down, we need to talk.

SON RELUCTANTLY SITS, SPRAWLED ON THE CHAIR.

SON. Go on then.

MUM Darling, we’re worried about you..

SON. You don’t like my friends, do you?

DAD. It’s not that we don’t like them it’s …

SON. It’s that you just are such a capitalist and you hate my mates because they live on an estate, isn’t it?

DAD. No, not at all. That so isn’t it.

SON. It’s because they can’t read isn’t it?

DAD. Son, I would never be so judgemental. No.

SON. It’s because every member of the family has a different father?

DAD. No.

SON. Different colour?

DAD. Nope.

SON. Well, why, then?

MUM. We’ve heard that several of the parents have ASBO. We know that the scientific evidence isn’t 100% but it does seem to be supporting the fact that it is inherited and, if contracted by canines, mutates to the Dangerous Dogs Act, for which there is no known cure.. Son, we love you and just can’t take the chance.

SON. But, they’re my friends, can’t I still play with them and just wash my hands afterwards.

DAD. No, son, the Government has proved that it just doesn’t work.

PETS - a bit of stand up.

I was never allowed a pet as a child – I was too forgetful, not responsible enough. Of course I could have said the same thing to my parents when they used to chuck me outside in the freezing cold for a wee, or that I had to crawl through a trap door to enter and exit the house. I was taken out to the shops on a leash and thrown balls for me to fetch and bring back to them in the park. I think the final straw came when they tried to mate me with the boy next door and locked me in a room with him for 3 hours. There’s only so much leg humping I could take. In the end, at 18 years old, I finally stood up on my own two feet and told them I wasn’t going to be treated like that anymore and that things had to change. They forced my face into the mess I’d made on the carpet and I spent that night out in the doghouse…

WE OPEN ON A VETS SURGERY.
A MAN ENTERS, CARRYING A CAT BASKET.

VET: Right, Mr. Johnson, who do we have here?

THE OWNER GENTLY LIFTS A BEAUTIFUL CAT OUT OF THE BASKET.

MAN: This, is the lovely 'Tilly'.

VET: Well, she's a beauty, isn't she..

MAN: The love of my life, Doctor.

VET: So, what can we do for the 'lovely' Tilly?

MAN: Well, the thing is, she hates the vets - and I can't stand to see her in distress,
so I've been a bit naughty about keeping her up to date with her jabs and so on.

VET:No problem.

MAN: Plus, I worry about the expense - but I know that's silly. Money can't buy you love, can it.

HE GIVES THE CAT A HUG

VET: Absolutely. Right, so to start , she'll need Cat Flu - that's not too bad - comes in at £28.75.

MAN: OK I think we can live with that.

VET: Then we need to give her an anti -flea treatment - £16.50

MAN: ( TO THE CAT) We don't want nasty fleas in the bed do we Tilly-Willy.

VET:Feline Enteritis can be nasty - bit like dyssentry - but that comes in at £42.50?

MAN: You're talking about my baby - of course we must have it!

VET:Getting a bit more esoteric now, there's Feline Lueukaemia - it's rare but it's nasty.
It's also £64 , with a booster evey 6 months....

MAN:That is a lot... but he's worth it - aren't you sweetheart?

HE GIVES THE CAT A CUDDLE AND A KISS ON THE NOSE.

VET: And, finally, a lot of people are injecting against FIV, these days

MAN:And what's that when it's at home?

VET: Feline Immuno Deficiency Virus - cat AIDS to you or I.

MAN: Well we won't be needing that.

VET: Fair enough...

THE MAN LEANS FORWARDS AND WHISPWERS TO THE DOCTOR.

MAN: We ALWAYS use a condom.

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF THE CATS FACE, WHO WE NOTICE IS CROSS-EYED,

MUSIC: ( "What's up Pussycat")

END

INT Day. A MENACING LOOKING MAN (IN A VEST AND BERET)ANSWERS THE DOOR TO AN ATTRACTIVE LOOKING NURSE.

NURSE:
It's time for your injection, Mr Crouton.

MR CROUTON:
Oh it's that time eh?

HE LEANS AGAINST THE DOOR AND LEERS AT HER. CUT TO THE NURSE PUTTING HER SYRINGE BACK IN HER CASE

NURSE:
Best be going then.

MR CROUTON:
So I'll see ya soon, then?

NURSE:
Yes, this time tomorrow.

A DOG BOLTS IN AND STARTS LICKING THE NURSE'S FACE.

MR CROUTON:
Now now, Buster! Nursey doesn't want her face to be licked clean. Unless you do -

NURSE:
Absolutely not!

CUT TO MR CROUTON LEERING AT THE NURSE AS SHE DEPARTS. CUT TO REAR SHOT OF MR CROUTON SPRAYING CREAM FROM A CAN ONTO HIS GENITAL AREA. HE PUTS A NURSE'S HAT ON THE DOG AND THE DOG IS SEEN TO BE LICKING THE CREAM OFF.

MR CROUTON:
There's a good nursey - just there - mm that's it!

THE DOG LOOKS UP AND HIS MOUTH MOVES.

VOICE OF THE DOG:
It's Buster, you dirty old bastard.

CUT

Thanks for entering (tee hee). The comp is now closed so get voting... up to midnight Sunday!

A toss up again. We are a load of tossers aren't we.

Ellie.

Ellie wrote a stand up bit! And it was good!

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