Skit comp 26.3 - 6.4.20

Apparently there's some kind of virus going round so thanks to popular demand - two! - the skitcomp is back.
First subject: The Voice
Usual rules, so in the words of Buddha, get off your arse.

Press release

In a statement issued by his agent earlier today the latest celebrity victim of the Covid 19 pandemic has been confirmed as The Invisible Man. The Invisible Man first came to the public's attention when he played 'The Invisible Man' in the successful 70's tv series 'The Invisible Man'.

Despite his early success The Invisible Man's career stalled dramatically when he was overlooked for the roll of The Invisible Man in the film 'The Invisible man'. He never recovered from the disappointment of not being cast in the role he described as 'being born to play'. The situation was made worse when the studio offered him some stunt work on the film, lifting cups of tea and waving newspapers about. After a very public spat with the studios preferred Invisible Man Chevy Chase he was banned from the set and blacklisted by all the studios. For years afterwards he would bitterly complain that the only thing Invisible about Chevy was his career after The Invisible Man,

Since the outbreak of the Covid 19 disease The Invisible Man had complained that that people were not respecting his personal space. He said despite Government advice on keeping a two metre social distance, people were continually walking into him. He went on to described how an elderly gent had coughed right into his face at his local supermarket. He said. "I couldn't believe it! So I picked up a chicken leg from his shopping basket and waived it in font of his face then whispered 'I am the grim reaper' into his ear. I have never seen a Zimmer frame move so fast. There was a streak of yellow piss all the way to the door. And the supermarket had the nerve to ban me! Unbelievable!" He afterwards refused to comment on the statement issued by the Supermarket that The Invisible Man had in fact been banned from its stores due to repeated 'unexplained incidents' in the lady's toilets.

Only last week The Invisible Man was in the news complaining that after feeling unwell he visited his doctor, where the nurse on reception told him the doctor "couldn't see him." I was furious, "If I had a pound for every time I have heard that, I would be a rich Invisible Man and for that they asked me to leave!"

In a statement issued by the Doctors practice in question later they explained that in order to protect staff they were checking everyone at the door with a thermometer gun which unfortunately did not work on The Invisible Man. They further describe how they gave him an anal thermometer and sent him off to the gents. Sadly we had to ask The Invisible man to leave the practice after several patients were startled to see half a thermometer waving about in reception.

A St Barts hospital spokesman said The Invisible Man had been admitted overnight after feeling unwell. When pressed he admitted that he couldn't give an update on his condition because after admission The Invisible Man had been sedated and left on a stretcher in a corridor with other Covid 19 patients. He said we have all the porters searching and we confidently expect to find him shortly, possibly underneath another patient. He then had to leave to investigate a disturbance in the lady's toilet in the Covid 19 ward.

In a twist The Invisible Man had taped an as yet unaired episode of the voice. He instantly wowed the studio audience with his Soulful rendition of 'I aint got no body', getting all four judges to turn their chairs. Unfortunately, they all turned back again when they saw the empty stage.

Great!

SEXYSTENTIALISM
Dearly beloved, and you, in the midst of this distressing, traumatic and shit period - apparently there's some kind of virus going round...? - I would wish to share a moment of illumination. A moment in which I saw the light, and I don't mean Hooky's mob. Nay, I was massly debating the problem of prayer with my local vicar and agonising over why God allows so much suffering - war, famine, Justin Bieber... And he smiled, 'Ah, that old chesty nut. We pray and pray and yet nothing changes? Let us, my little turd, get this into perspective. The universe is but a speck - man is but a speck on a speck - and you, my child, are bugger no one. That's the opposite of Father Jenkins' hobby. Yet maybe God has a plan, and who are we to challenge it? Does it not smack of the arrogance of Lenny Kravitz to demand the Almighty alter His willy, merely on your whimmy?'
I ejaculated, 'This is, in the words of the Bee gees, tragedy. I pray and pray and pray, and all to no avail? Crap.'
'Ah, my child,' he incested. 'In the words of Father Jenkins, there's more to come. Forein my experience, twenty per cent of our prayers DO make a difference. Yay, one in five! And while this may be a source of frustration, it is also a source of strength: the awareness that at least a filth, sorry a fifth of my prayers are indeedy heeded.'
And this, my belovers, and that, is where I had my illumination. My epiphany. My flasher. For soothes, it means the Good Lord! The Good Lord answers one in five prayers. God is real and good and real good! One in five... For last year, I prayed for an end to famine; an end to war; no more racial prejudice; the eradication of all disease; and a Spice Girls reunion. And yes...

I bought an audio book called "Finding Your Voice". No help at all. In fact, it was just four hours of listening to someone else's voice.

I hear voices inside my head. Wouldn't make sense to hear them in my nose.

I bought a book called "How to Sing High and Low".
By Sue Prano and Barry Tone.

Michael, Playful and Patrick all good stuff. Being new to this, I did "The Voice" TV show, that was my first mistake...

THE SONG WANNABE COMES TO AN END. ONLY ONE JUDGE, TOM JONES, TURNS. WE SEE THE SPICE GIRLS DRESSED IN MEDICAL ATTIRE.

TOM JONES: Well girls, I would have turned sooner, but you sounded a bit, you know... old.

GERI: How dare you ! The Spice Girls have got modern, current, we're the Virus Girls. We're gonna infect ya Tom !

MEL B: Me and Mel are Hepatitis B and C.

MEL C: I wanted to be Clamidia, that's a pretty name, but Ms Brown got all gobby ...

BABY: I'm Baby Virus.

GERI: Ahum !

BABY: Alright, I'm Cot Death. Again, I did not chose that name. If I can't be Baby Virus then Victoria can't be Posh Virus, she is Yuppe Flue.

TOM JONES: Can't Victoria speak for herself ?

GERI: She doesn't speak on stage, it creates unwanted wrinkles. Which are unfashionable apparently.

TOM JONES: Why "the Virus Girls" ?

BABY: It's a catchy name ?

GERI: And a way to meet more single Doctors if I'm being honest. Obviously that's for Hepatitis B who is single now.

BABY: Oh you're saying I need to see a Doctor are you ! You, me, Boxing match ten grand , lets sort this out now !

TOM JONES: If you do it in mud I'll pledge another ten grand. It's Children in Need soon, you could do it for charity, see.

MEL B: You're just jealous of Jess Gylnn. She's more of a red head than you could ever be, she's got proper freckles and she can sing in a wobbly voice, you can't do that in normal one !

GERI: Bitch ! [ GERI FLYS THROUGH THE AIR AT MEL B AND THE PAIR SCRAP IN THE BACKGROUND ]

TOM JONES: OK Girls, if you're not prepared to writhe semi-naked in mud for the children, then can you take this outside. We need to clear the stage for the next act.

THEY ROLL OUTSIDE SCRAPPING. AS IT BEGINS TO RAIN A CHILDREN IN NEED CAMERA CREW ASSEMBLE AROUND THEM. PAN AWAY TO SEE PEOPLE HOLDING WATERING CANS ON STEP LADDERS AND OTHERS SNAPPING THEIR MEDICAL GOWNS OFF].

---END---

** One one hand it is cliched , but on the other hand I thought Michael would enjoy the imagery.

THOM: Good morning. May I come in?

ED: Maybe, um, who are you?

THOM: Your secretary said I might see whether you're free. I'm Thomas. Thomas Gray.

ED: Gray - oh, you're the new gossip columnist, yes?

THOM: No, poet.

ED: Oh yes, of course, silly me, our new poet. Every newspaper needs a poet. Apparently. So, what can I do for you?

THOM: Well I've got my first poem here on the brief you gave me, ready for publication. Would you like to hear it?

ED: If I must.

THOM: Now you asked me to write something to celebrate rural life -

ED: That's right, I imagined good honest toil, suggestive sweaty biceps, maybe the odd joke about turnips, that kind of thing.

THOM: Mine's about cadavers.

ED: Of course it is.

THOM: It's called, Elegy On A Country Churchyard. [CLEARS THROAT] "The curfew tolls the knell of parting day, the lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea."

ED: Sorry, where do the lowing herd slowly wind?

THOM: O'er the lea

ED: "Uhrrrrr" it?

THOM: Yes o'er it.

ED: Could we change that?

THOM: What to?

ED: I don't know, I'm not a poet, but I was thinking, to an actual word.

THOM: O'er is a word. It means, beyond, higher than.

ED: Over?

THOM: Yes. O'er.

ED: Over has a V in it.

THOM: Well, so does o'er. But it's silent.

ED: You can't have a silent V. A silent V isn't a thing. You can't just not say a letter so that your poem scans.

THOM: Oh, you can. We poets always say o'er. Done it since fore'er.

ED: Do you mean forever?

THOM: Yes. But, I say fore'er.

ED: Don't you ever say ever?

THOM: No, I ne'er. Only e'er. I only e'er say e'er. Because it's quicker.

ED: Because it's stupid, more like.

THOM: OK, can you do me a fa'our?

ED: A what?

THOM: A fa'our! Just do me a fa'our and don't talk about things you don't understand. That you don't e'en slightly understand. Like, to gi'e an example, the glory of the poetic oice.

ED: Oice?

THOM: Oice! Poetic oice! The way we poets ocalise the erbal beauty of our erse.

ED: You can't leave out a V at the start of words! That's even more stupid than bloody o'er! Which is really stupid!

THOM: It's quite simple, poets just don't ocalise the ee sound.

ED: You don't say E either? Yes you do, I heard you, just now!

THOM: No, not E! Ee! Ee sounds like E because I don't make the ee sound at the start of ee.

ED: You're mental, mate.

THOM: Sir! I am not a iolent man, but unless you change that icious tone of oice, I'll become exed. Ery ery ery exed. And I will not be responsible for my actions, as heav'n is my witness.

ED: Heaven has got a V in it! You just said a V!

THOM: Yes, but I took out the second E of heav'n, to balance it out. The word's still shorter.

ED: It's not actually though, is it?

THOM: I...I think it is. And that is what we poets stri'e to do e'ery time, make the words shorter. That's what poetry is, basically.

ED: [SIGH] Oh, fine, what do I care? We'll print your stupid dead peasant churchyard-sniffing, V-dodging elegy, it's easier than finding out actual news here in the mid-18th century.

THOM: Great. I'm so glad we finally got that tortur-ed issue resolv-ed.

ED: Oh, f**k off.

PLEASE IGNORE EARLIER POST -IT WAS A WORK IN PROGRESS THAT I CAN'T EDIT

Press release
In a statement issued by his agent earlier today the latest celebrity victim of the Covid 19 pandemic has been confirmed as The Invisible Man. The Invisible Man first came to the public's attention when he played 'The Invisible Man' in the successful 80's tv series 'The Invisible Man'.

The Invisible Man arriving at St Barts earlier - he's the one on the stretcher.

Despite this early success The Invisible Man's career stalled dramatically when he was overlooked for the roll of The Invisible Man in the 1992 film 'Memoirs of an Invisible Man'. He never recovered from the disappointment of not being cast in the role he described himself as 'clearly, being born to play'. The situation was only made worse when the studio offered him some stunt work on the film, lifting cups of tea and comically waving newspapers about. After a very public spat with the studios preferred Invisible Man Chevy Chase he was banned from the set and blacklisted by all the Hollywood studios. For years afterwards he would bitterly complain that Chevy had an 'invisible talent' not a talent for the invisible.

The invisible man had high hopes of (not) being seen on the big screen again when the first Harry Potter film was being cast. Sadly, after several screen tests in which the 11 year old Daniel Radcliffe tried to carry the Invisible man on his back in order to 'become invisible', the director had to let the Invisible man go. "A f**king cloak, they replaced me with a f**king cloak" he shouted at Daniel as he was escorted from the set. His agent later issued a statement apologising for his client calling Daniel a f**king weakling and the costume department a bunch of bastards for even finding an invisible cloak. He also refuted Moaning Myrtle's claims his client was behind the strange goings on in the girls toilets.

The Invisible man has not been seen in public for quite a while but since the outbreak of the Covid 19 disease he has been in the press regularly complaining that that people were not respecting his personal space. He said despite Government advice on social distancing, people were continually walking into him. He went on to described how an elderly gent had coughed right into his face at his local supermarket. He said. "I couldn't believe it! So I picked up a chicken from his shopping basket and waived it in font of his face then whispered 'I am the grim reaper' into his ear. I have never seen a Zimmer frame move so fast. There was a streak of yellow piss all the way to the door. And the supermarket had the nerve to ban me! Unbelievable!" He afterwards refused to comment on the statement issued by the Supermarket that The Invisible Man had in fact been banned from its stores due to repeated 'unexplained incidents' in the lady's toilets.

Earlier this week the Invisible Man was in the news again complaining that after feeling unwell he visited his doctor, where the nurse on reception told him the doctor "couldn't see him." I was furious, "If I had a pound for every time I have heard that joke, I would be a rich Invisible Man, and when I complained they asked me to leave!"
In a statement issued by the Doctors practice in question later they explained that in order to protect staff they were checking everyone at the door with a thermometer gun which unfortunately did not register a reading on The Invisible Man. They further describe how - despite the fact he had clearly been drinking - in order to accommodate him they gave him an anal thermometer and sent him off to the gents. Sadly, we had to ask The Invisible man to leave the practice after several patients were startled to see half a thermometer waving about in reception.

A St Barts hospital spokesman said The Invisible Man had been admitted overnight after feeling unwell. When pressed he admitted that he was unable to give an update on his condition because unfortunately, The Invisible Man had disappeared. After admission he had been sedated and left on a stretcher in a corridor with other Covid 19 patients. We have all the porters searching and we confidently expect to find him shortly, possibly underneath another patient. He then had to leave to investigate a disturbance in the female toilets on the third floor.

In a twist his agent added, "in an attempt to kickstart a new carer The Invisible Man had appeared on an as yet unaired episode of the voice. He instantly wowed the studio audience with his Soulful rendition of 'I aint got no body', getting all four judges to turn their chairs. Unfortunately, they all turned back again when they saw the apparently empty stage."

When asked about The Invisible man being admitted to hospital With Covid 19 Daniel Radcliffe commented "Good, prick."

Well, hello. It's nice to be back, thanks to Michael for inviting me (and, to think for all this time I'd thought this page had been put behind a pay wall).

Anyway, a fun selection: Michael's shaggy dog story was fun, and I liked Patrick's gags, especially the first. The epic nature of Playfull's nearly takes the bays, but I think I'll go for Firkin, the rebranding of Mels B & C made me laugh.

Firstly, apologies for posting two unfunny versions - apparently the edit button disappears.

Michael - Had me going for a minute - i thought he had actually seen the light - but it was all building to a really nice classic Spice Girls gag.

Patrick - Could only be Patrick - Subtle meets silly - don't know if you have done a book, but you absolutely should.

Firkin - Nice sketch about Michael's next wet dream - good stuff with the names.

Gappy - Really well crafted dialogue as always. Would it be weird if i said i have missed reading your stuff?

Playfull - Sometimes i just get a sliver of an idea and just don't know when to quit. I need the discipline of the skit comp. I need telling for f**ks sake it stopped being funny after the picture...

Anyway a nice difference in style and content but i too go for Firkin. The new names took it for me.

Quote: playfull @ 7th April 2020, 8:21 PM

Would it be weird if i said i have missed reading your stuff?

View original

No, it would be EXPECTED and INEVITABLE.

Only joking. It's good to be back, and to see some friendly familiar names, I have missed the skit comp. Let's hope we can continue a decent number of entries after this COVID business is over.

Like when I first parachuted and crapped myself. Hit the ground running. I'm really pleased. Best you never thought I'd say anything positive.
They've reported the disappearance of the invisible man. What's the point?
Very close to firkin but religion's a delicate one so Gappy.

Well done everyone, good fun. Gappy gets my 'ote.

Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 8th April 2020, 1:52 PM

Well done everyone, good fun. Gappy gets my 'ote.

View original

Patrick - your jokes always make me laugh. The first one was the best.
Michael - sexistentialisum is a great word. Current and fresh.
Gappy - Solid stuff. Being dyslexic, I struggle with comedy about missing letters, but this one works. I would love to see it acted out.
Playful - I really like the invisible man premise it's got legs. You've clearly put a lot of work into that piece.
It's between Gappy and Playful. Going by first read, Playful but Gappy should win overall because I suspect I'd prefer his if it was acted out. Joint first.