Quote: paulted @ 2nd April 2020, 10:29 AMI called in to the shop for milk and bread.
Luxury!
Since these restrictions came into force, I've been living on water and sawdust!
Coronavirus Page 23
Quote: Rood Eye @ 2nd April 2020, 10:42 AMLuxury!
Since these restrictions came into force, I've been living on water and sawdust!
I couldn't get toilet paper, only sandpaper. Things are rough in our house.......
Dear Earl Hancock,
I note that in your self-isolation you are experiencing mild symptoms of a coronavirus. Obviously it is to be hoped that you will make as speedy a recovery as Prince Charles.
But when it comes to the absence of testing of NHS frontline staff, many of whom are complying with Government instructions, I should be grateful if you would confirm whether your strategy for rectifying this issue is:
(1) as a shooting star, leaping through the sky like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity
(2) as a racing car, passing by like Lady Godiva
(3) burnin' through the sky, yeah, two hundred degrees, that's why they call you Mister Fahrenheit or
(4) travelling at the speed of light, you wanna make a supersonic man out of me - and possibly everyone else
I merely ask as your impressively statesmanlike speech, which I include here as a gentle reminder to a very busy man, wasn't wholly clear to me on this point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PktZ9R5XZas
I beg to remain, my Earl Hancock, your devoted and obedient servant.
Frederick Mars-Jupiter, CB, FRS, FMedSci ,FFPH, FRCP, LBC, ITV, BBC WATO, MP, MSP, EX MEP, ALDI, ABBA (Mr)
Quote: paulted @ 2nd April 2020, 10:29 AMSo we're only allowed out for essential purposes eh? On my way to work today, I called in to the shop for milk and bread. in front of me at the checkout - a woman buying nothing else but scratch cards.
I can think of nothing more essential than hope in a crisis. That's what that undoubtedly ITV1-watching woman was buying.
Eddie Large RIP
Quote: lofthouse @ 2nd April 2020, 12:48 PMEddie Large RIP
Two things are particularly surprising about this tragic loss to the entertainment community.
Firstly, that poor Eddie contracted coronavirus while in hospital.
And secondly (to me, at any rate) that he was 78 years old!
He was a very funny man and will be sadly missed but, on a more positive note, he'll be very fondly remembered.
RIP Eddie.
The UK coronavirus death toll has increased by 569 today to 2,961.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 2nd April 2020, 2:27 PMThe UK coronavirus death toll has increased by 569 today to 2,961.
The virus is an exosome in every sense of that word. 
With the coronavirus death toll increasing alarmingly on a daily basis, it's nice to know that the UK death industry isn't entirely devoid of accidental humour.
The bereavement and registration manager at South Essex Crematorium is called Louise Roast.
Kevin Bacon tested positive for coronavirus - but he's been cured!
The number of deaths in Europe in the first three months of 2020 is about the same as the the number of deaths in Europe in the first three months of 2019. Lombardy is always bad. Its air pollution means it is known as Europe's China.
The most extreme prediction of Covid-19 related deaths in the UK from February to July was 510,000. That was based on a policy of just carrying on as normal. Scientists have already said that two thirds of deaths on the 20,000 assessment would have happened anyway. There is no reason to think that the two thirds figure wouldn't apply to the 510,000 too.
Two thirds of 510,000 is 340,000 for that six months period. The number of deaths for twelve months ordinarily in the UK is 600,000. Halve that figure for six months rather than twelve months and you get 300,000 plus a bit as the peak months for deaths are always January/February. So call that 300,000 something like 315,000. This gives a difference between 340,000 and 315,000 of 25,000 which is very close to the 20,000 figure - but where everyone carries on just as normal.
It is starting to look like a proven scam.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 2nd April 2020, 6:43 PMKevin Bacon tested positive for coronavirus - but he's been cured!
Yeah, but if you've ever played Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon you'll know he's a superspreader.
Matt Hancock says we can expect 1000 coronavirus-related deaths per day by Easter Sunday.
Oh well, I suppose we all have our cross to bear.
Aesops 2121 - The Final Finale
Arlene left in 2073. She was lucky enough to have gotten a ticket on the world's last ever flight. Even luckier, it was from London Croydon Airport to Jolly Jack Tar Island. She lives there in self-isolation among one hundred sailors and fifty vestal virgins. All 150 also live there alone. The postman and the squirrel had, of course, long gone. So each, like, were promoted to become senior scientists at daily Government briefings. They appeared under a banner that implied we still might have an election in a future century. It simply said "Whatever Happened to the Gagged Priti Patel?". Ted disappeared inside Ted's self. When it happened it was astonishingly exactly like spontaneous combustion except that Ted didn't combust and there was nothing spontaneous about it. On sunny days, her and me talk about it even now. And chortle.
For what it is worth, we became multi trillionaires. That is, on account of us opening the first ever brothel that didn't have tarts. That is, the disposable cellophane booths were in the corner where the shed had once stood. That is, people flocked from miles to toss themselves off two metres from each other. This is, the half who actually made it through secret tunnels or across barbed wire, thereby managing to avoid the death penalty. That is. That is. Is that. I know what you would be asking if you were reading this. I never do. No. I never read it. I strongly recommend that nobody else should ever do either. It is "why was "The Cello-Chicken Coop" like never closed down?" Well, we don't know for sure. But we did strictly adhere to the Government's new broadcasting restriction just before all of our brains were compulsorily micro chipped. The one which burned folk at the stake for suggesting any link between the virus and the 5G rollout.
"How would you like your live bat?" she said. "Well done" I retorted. "But yesterday you had it medium rare. You always have it medium rare" she said. "Yes but today I'm having it well done" I emphasised. "You will need a Rennies peppermint caplet afterwards" she said. "And maybe even a droplet of Gaviscon - the mint one and not the original." "I will have some insects then" I continued. "Do them sweet and sour." "I don't have any Homepride sauce left" she said. "All I have got is the Huawei". That did it. "It's all bloody Huawei this and bloody Huawei that with you these days , isn't it", I shouted. "If you are not careful, you will end up having Huawei arms and Huawei feet and a bloody great big Huawei head". "I do" she said. And that as it happens is how we finally came to be married. I had been waiting for those words for 83 years.
"You know that man on Daily Newspeak" she said, while we were consummating our marriage. "The one who we are required to watch at breakfast. The one who on Tuesdays has salad cream on his paws and who on Fridays smears his balls with Dijon mustard." "Michael Gove" I thrusted. "In 1997, he wrote in support of bringing back hanging as capital punishment, which was abolished in the UK in 1965, although he never repeated such views afterwards. Writing in The Times, he argued "Were I ever alone in the dock I would not want to be arraigned before our flawed tribunals, knowing my freedom could be forfeited as a result of political pressures. I would prefer a fair trial, under the shadow of the noose"". "Maybe that is why it came back then" I ejaculated. Then we both coughed loudly and laughed our lives off. The end.
Quote: A Horseradish @ 2nd April 2020, 9:28 PMIt is starting to look like a proven scam.
I think a lot of people are likely to take that view this weekend when temperatures of around 70° are expected.
The prospect of staying at home cooped up and bored becomes even more unattractive when the sun is shining and the weather is balmy.
I suspect thousands of Britons are going to head for the seaside and the countryside and, indeed, almost any beautiful open space.
Perhaps they're barmy too?
Or perhaps they think the statistics are being manipulated and misinterpreted in order to impose a global police state upon what used to be a substantially free world?
Who knows?