Coronavirus Page 13

My dear Sirs,

Regarding all this coronavirus malarkey of which I confess to be puzzled :

It is all very well for your editor to opine that we should live as normally as we can. Given the upsetting tone of Her Majesty's recent address to we her subjects, I dreamt last night of my first ever ejaculation.

Well, what an extraordinary turn of events. I had long since thought that day of hot jodphurs and red lacy knickers in a sheet from Brentford Nylons had been consigned to my personal history.

But it seems that the manner in which she has been sat on by Sir Matt Hancock and his ilk has led to a number of unintended consequences. These include, as my shrink has confirmed today, a regression in me to the age of 73.

Yours disconcertingly,

Hubert Aardvaark
Age 108

As the UK death toll rises to 335, Boris plans to speak to the nation on TV at 8:30 PM this evening.

It may be that he will announce severe restrictions on people wishing to leave their own property and enter public spaces and thoroughfares.

If he does, and the restrictions are widely accepted - all well and good.

If he does, and the restrictions are rejected by a significant number of people, what exactly are the authorities going to do about it?

China built a colossal hospital in an astonishingly short period of time: I think Boris may have to build several prisons of similar size in a similarly short time.

Clearly, however, no such prisons are going to be built and our existing prisons are, to say the least, already somewhat overcrowded - so what is Boris going to do if vast numbers of freedom-loving Britons tell him to stick his restrictions up his rear end?

Fascinating times lie ahead.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd March 2020, 7:32 PM

As the UK death toll rises to 335, Boris plans to speak to the nation on TV at 8:30 PM this evening.

It may be that he will announce severe restrictions on people wishing to leave their own property and enter public spaces and thoroughfares.

If he does, and the restrictions are widely accepted - all well and good.

If he does, and the restrictions are rejected by a significant number of people, what exactly are the authorities going to do about it?

China built a colossal hospital in an astonishingly short period of time: I think Boris may have to build several prisons of similar size in a similarly short time.

Clearly, however, no such prisons are going to be built and our existing prisons are, to say the least, already somewhat overcrowded - so what is Boris going to do if vast numbers of freedom-loving Britons tell him to stick his restrictions up his rear end?

Fascinating times lie ahead.

View original

It's all a diversion. You know that strategy where they get the public to focus on something huge so that none of them actually sees the other thing that is even huger and the real issue? It's pretty obvious to me. Get everyone across the globe in their houses so that they are all fully state controlled and then the nuclear bomb is dropped on North Korea.

It's been quite nice knowing everyone.

Meanwhile, with the education system in chaos, Wayne Rooney is homeschooling his four sons.

"What's school for, daddy?"

"It's fer kids who need to read an' write."

"I don't wanna read an' write, daddy."

"Yer'll never 'ave to, son. Just remember yer pin number."

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd March 2020, 8:05 PM

Meanwhile, with the education system in chaos, Wayne Rooney is homeschooling his four sons.

"What's school for, daddy?"

"It's fer kids who need to read an' write."

"I don't wanna read an' write, daddy."

"Yer'll never 'ave to, son. Just remember yer pin number."

View original

Don't knock it.

Most brothel enthusiasts will be having to do the same.

Rooney's kids may well be the nicest boys in the world but, looking at the photographs, I think as time goes by any copper in the land might see them as prime candidates for a "stop and search" if he doesn't know who they are.

Well, I thought it all went rather well.

The flag thing didn't fall on his head, you couldn't see his shoes and the measures shouldn't be too stringent for all of us who have spent three weeks managing to cope simultaneously with a hurricane, a monsoon and an erupting volcano.

The Tyson Fury bop-it punch bag is in stores now with new trash-talk mode.

Such a shame then that the relevant stores are closed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iinX3x9Jp3o

Meanwhile, back with coronavirus, I'm not at all sure what will bring an end to this pandemic - apart from the deaths of all human beings.

What happened to Spanish flu and SARS? Did they just curl up and die?

It is coronavirus going to disappear or is it going to be with us forever?

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd March 2020, 9:37 PM

Meanwhile, back with coronavirus, I'm not at all sure what will bring an end to this pandemic - apart from the deaths of all human beings.

What happened to Spanish flu and SARS? Did they just curl up and die?

It is coronavirus going to disappear or is it going to be with us forever?

View original

But I was doin' coronavirus.

1. Mr Johnstone's talk.

2 The importance of maintaining Mr Rooney's children's health during the lockdown.

3 The resilience under the discriminatory travel ban of gypsies.

I can't believe it's come to this with all the borders there are. If countries had acted in December when the outbreak happened in China we would be in a much better situation now. It's like the problem has been brushed under the carpet until it has to be addressed. Out of sight, out of mind.

Just watched Boris Johnson giving a public announcement that from now on everyone must stay at home apart from essential journeys. It felt like a wartime announcement on the wireless.

Former Page Three girl Linda Lusardi was reportedly close to death earlier today, having contracted coronavirus.

Mercifully, she is now on the mend.

Equally mercifully, we'll be spared the Sun headline, "Knock, knock, knockers at Heaven's door".

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd March 2020, 9:37 PM

Meanwhile, back with coronavirus, I'm not at all sure what will bring an end to this pandemic - apart from the deaths of all human beings.

What happened to Spanish flu and SARS? Did they just curl up and die?

It is coronavirus going to disappear or is it going to be with us forever?

View original

I suppise it will be with us fir ever, but by next year we'll probably have a vaccine.

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 23rd March 2020, 9:55 PM

I can't believe it's come to this with all the borders there are. If countries had acted in December when the outbreak happened in China we would be in a much better situation now. It's like the problem has been brushed under the carpet until it has to be addressed. Out of sight, out of mind.

View original

They were too obsessed with bloody Brexit.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 23rd March 2020, 11:08 PM

Former Page Three girl Linda Lusardi was reportedly close to death earlier today, having contracted coronavirus.

Mercifully, she is now on the mend.

View original

Keep us abreast of the situation.

Apparently, London's transport system is still jampacked with people going wherever they are going this morning.

Why is this happening?

Perhaps God has looked down upon London and decided that the old place isn't quite what it used to be and, in his usual no-nonsense fashion, has decided to wipe everybody out and start again?

Oh well, goodbye London.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 24th March 2020, 8:07 AM

Apparently, London's transport system is still jampacked with people going wherever they are going this morning.

Why is this happening?

Perhaps God has looked down upon London and decided that the old place isn't quite what it used to be and, in his usual no-nonsense fashion, has decided to wipe everybody out and start again?

Oh well, goodbye London.

View original

Your eyes are deceiving you.

It's all rubber dummies of plain clothes police with "street watch" video cameras behind their mouths..

Cressida rang me last night to ask me if I would authorise them.