@Skram, I think that's a great idea for a sketch and pretty funny too.
One reason they probably didn't choose it could be that you have loads of characters. 7 or 8, I stopped counting. They only have 4 actors in the record, so it would probably be confusing for the audience if some of them had to do multiple roles (especially for the studio audience).
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 22nd February 2020, 10:21 AMOne reason they probably didn't choose it could be that you have loads of characters. 7 or 8, I stopped counting. They only have 4 actors in the record, so it would probably be confusing for the audience if some of them had to do multiple roles (especially for the studio audience).
Hmmmm, I did wonder about that at first but figured if I built in an intro for each person by name it would be OK as it was clear who was who, plus the format of Dragons Den was pretty well known... but yes maybe that was an issue in front of an audience.
Quote: skram @ 21st February 2020, 6:26 PMWell done everyone who posted, and commiserations to my fellow rejects... these are my faves so far:
I read this and thought "that's funny", but then I wonder if it reads better than it sounds out loud if you see what I mean? I think more guys than gals will understand it possibly, and the emphasis of "grade ONE" vs "SPECIAL one" is not a problem when written but might lose the joke a bit out loud? Probably vastly over-analysing it, it's still a good joke
I think someone else already said this but it needs to lose the "pupils'" as it doesn't make sense with it (if you think about it). Maybe also trim the "This is an excellent idea" as I think Newsjack guys would want it shorter/punchier perhaps? Still funny!
Ha, I wrote the exact same joke almost identical wording even except I put "Extinction Rebellion" in the second sentence... but then I swapped it out at the last minute for a different reject...
Very funny. Got to assume Kiri owns a caravan if that didn't make it on.
Also very funny, and now we know where Kiri keeps her caravan... (I'd maybe snip off the "to buy their lunch", not sure that adds to the punchline?)
Anyway, what do I know, here are my rejects:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A candidate for Mayor in Paris has withdrawn from the race after the release of a sex video that gave Parisians an eyeful/Eiffel.2. A court has ordered Google to identify the person behind an anonymous review of a dentist which said (GARBLED) "arghun mmm ungow ferrrpun gondowww bawwwwdunn...".
3. Shoezone has warned it could close 100 stores, explaining that some of them were too small, some were too large, and some just didn't quite feel right.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a badger that fell through the ceiling of a Superdrug store; it's been a good week for Superdrug who had a new fragrance hitting their shelves.2. It's been a good week for China as the government starts sterilizing bank notes in an attempt to stop the coronavirus spreading; it's been a bad week in the fight against money laundering.
3. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family after their website accidentally linked to a porn site; it's been a good week for fans of the Royal Family who got an unexpected glimpse of the Crown Jewels.
These are all good, Skram, in my opinion, and deserved to be on the show. Only comment is the eyeful one. When read aloud in the speed of the show it may need more to it to really register the pun for the audience and get the maximum laughs, though I think it still sort of works as it is.
I listened to the show yesterday and one gag was greeted in silence, if I recall. I also did not really get the joke (though I can be a bit slow). It seemed strange that they still had it in the show. Whatever
Quote: El Hutcho @ 21st February 2020, 2:23 PMOh, go on then. First time I tried this, so they're probably a bit rough and ready, but here we go:
Breaking News:
1. Israeli soldiers have been duped into downloading security busting software by Hamas operatives posing as young women seeking attention.
The Israeli military have shut the services down but did express surprise their trained troops were caught out by apps named "Palestinder", "Gaza Strippers" and "Best W**k"2. Storm Ciara has uncovered a 130m year old dinosaur footprint on a beach on the Isle of Wight. One archaeologist commented, "This has given us a fascinating insight into what Britain was like
many many years ago," after visiting a local shop to buy their lunch.3. The 35th anniversary of Eastenders is to be celebrated this week with the death of a prominent character on a Thames boat trip. When asked who she thought the victim might be, ex cast member Anita Dobson was tight-lipped, telling our reporter "Anyone can fall in, love."
Good week/ Bad week
It has been a bad week for those in their early twenties who weren't given the MMR vaccine, as rates of Mumps infections have reached their highest levels in ten years.
However it has been a good week, strangely, for retailer Fat Face.I wondered if the Isle of Wight one would offend, and if the mumps one was a bit sick, but went for them anyway,
Isle of Wight one is fine; it's known as a traditional, old-fashioned place to live and holiday (having been there). I would maybe reword it and I don't think you need the last bit about shop but I like the joke. Mumps one is fine and not too sick (unlike the mumps sufferers) in my opinion. You could maybe hone it - take off vaccine and maybe put - As rates of mumps are at their highest. The Anita Dobson one is clever. I feel the show missed a trick there. I think it could be a generation thing - possibly the producers aren't familiar with her and missed the reference. Hard to tell.
Quote: skram @ 22nd February 2020, 9:19 AMAlways a bit wary of posting sketches but here goes as I was pretty happy with this one. I try to tick the obvious boxes when coming up with sketches, ie. recent news story, try to integrate/include a second news story, preferably an opportunity for impressions, every line a setup or joke, more than 2 voices if possible, an actual ending/punchline.... happy to get feedback on where I might be falling short:
INTRO: This week the government confirmed that it was carrying on regardless with HS2 - yes that really does sound like a Carry On film, that's probably where they get half their ideas from. But with the project already running massively over-budget and behind schedule, the question remains how will they fund this hole in the government's finances ahead of the budget?
FX/GRAMS - DRAGONS DEN
EVAN DAVIS: Next up into The Den are London pair Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak who think they've come up with an ingenious solution to bridge the north-south divide.
BORIS JOHNSON: Well, hello Dragons, indeed, my name is Boris Johnson if you will.
RISHI SUNAK: So I must be Rishi Sunak. (ASIDE) Who knew this is what I sound like?!
BORIS JOHNSON: Today, as it were, we are looking for an investment of 55 billion of our Queen's great pounds for a 50% stake in HS2. I thank you.
EVAN DAVIS: The record investment wipes the smug grins off the faces of the Dragons, who suddenly realise they're not quite so minted after all. First to question them is seasoned Dragon, Deborah Meaden.
DEBORAH MEADEN: Look, Boris, first of all stop playing with your hair and stand still. Now, what about patents?
BORIS JOHNSON: Well it is patently obvious, I should think, that this is a fantastic investment opportunity.
DEBORAH MEADEN: See, you've got me worried now Boris, because you obviously think this is a good idea. Therefore I won't be investing, I'm out.
BORIS JOHNSON: Bugger.
EVAN DAVIES: Will Touker Suleyman break with tradition and consider any investment that doesn't involve cravats or handkerchiefs?
TOUKER SULEYMAN: No, I'm out.
BORIS JOHNSON: Well, ha, hmmm.
PETER JONES: Hi guys, I'm Peter Jones. Yes THE Peter Jones, do you recognise me? Aren't I handsome? Look at my teeth when I smile.
BORIS JOHNSON: Marvellous, Peter, they look like shiny pearls of wisdom, as white as a Tory constituency, spewing forth such financial prescience from the cavernous jaws of a God-like behemoth that I cannot comprehend.
PETER JONES: I certainly can't disagree with any of that, however your trains aren't remote-controlled, so I'm out.
EVAN DAVIES: It's another blow for the Prime Minister that has left him looking like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Can Tej Lalvani throw him a lifeline?
TEJ LALVANI: Guys, let me tell you where I'm at. I've not actually listened to a word you've said, I've just been sat here stroking my pile of cash admiring how rich I am. I'm out.
EVAN DAVIES: The desperate pair's hopes now rest with the final Dragon, Sara Davies.
SARA DAVIES: OK, look right - I'm a northern lass, I think I can see how this could help the economy up north.
BORIS JOHNSON: You can? Fantastic, would you mind explaining it to us because we don't have a clue, do we Rishi?
SARA DAVIES: Look, you're after a lot of money, £55 billion - I could buy a flat in London for that. But I'll make you an offer... do you wanna go and talk to the wall?
BORIS JOHNSON: Absolutely, 55 billion percent. So what is your offer then?
SARA DAVIES: Howay man, that was the offer, go stand in the corner - I'm sick of the sight of your face man! I'm out!
BORIS JOHNSON: Bugger, I knew we should have gone for a Chinese Dragon instead. Rishi, have you still got the number for Huawei?
END
That is a good sketch. I wonder if the number of voices may have made it a bit too much of a challenge so they went for an easier one. Also they would need 7 recognisable impersonations. I see why you had 4 dragons. Maybe could have just had Boris doing it and not Rishi too, just to cut out one extra voice. You had to have four as it is Dragons Den and would look odd otherwise and you needed Ewan to introduce them. Could maybe cut down Ewan's words a bit. Still it is very good.
Week 3 rejects from me:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Tesco has started selling plasters in a range of different skin tones. The new product has left customers tripping over themselves to get them.
2. A German court has given Tesla a green light to chop down trees for its new factory outside Berlin, however Tesla are insisting that a chainsaw would work better.
3. A lorry carrying 170 pigs has overturned on a Spanish motorway. The driver has praised the emergency services for their quick response, saying they really saved his bacon.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for children in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland, after their football associations banned heading the ball due to links with dementia.
It's been a bad week for children in Wales, although they can't quite remember why.
2. It's been a bad week for a woman from Chesterfield, who got her arm trapped in her bed for 13 hours.
It's been a good week for fans of the movie 127 Hours, as a sequel is now in the works.
3. It's been a good week for a 62-year-old former marine, who broke a Guinness World Record by planking for over eight hours.
It's been a bad week for his embarrassed grandkids, because planking is like, so 2011.
Attempts for this week;
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Two ticket touts who illegally made over six million pounds online have been charged, five pounds booking in fee and eight pounds for the service.
2. Tesco have released premium plasters in more racially diverse skin tones, whilst positive, they have been described as a bit of a rip off.
3. A child protection official has been slammed after suggesting women can become pregnant whilst swimming, although this does appear to be a miscommunication over the term 'stroking a length'.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for camels after three thousand were evacuated in Libya.
But it's been a bad week for Noah, who has been accused of slacking off during the floods.
2. It's been a good week for people with an overactive bladder, as the University of Portsmouth have invented a test to detect the condition.
But it's been a bad wee...oh I shouldn't have said wee. I've got to go.
3. It's been a bad week for two burglars who broke into a betting shop whilst it was open.
But it's been a good week for William Hill, who had them odds on to be arrested.
Tesco proving popular.........
A man in the US state of Virginia was arrested after trying to steal three goats. As police had forgotten their handcuffs, they had to put the thief in kid gloves
Tesco has started selling plasters in different skin tones. A spokesperson said it was company policy to assist with every little yelp
A recording of a song Chris Martin wrote when he was 12 is being sold at auction. The singer has asked for a fellow musician to take the sale, so the auctioneers have appointed MC Hammer
It's been a good week for shoppers caught short, after an action group published toilet access codes online. And a good week for practical jokers who now have more locations to try out the cling film prank
Seems like the Tesco Plaster thing was a popular topic.
Here are mine:
1. It's been a good week for people of colour, who can now buy plasters from Tesco in a range of skin tones. It's a bad week for Donald Trump who is still waiting for the orange version.
2. It's a good week for Friends fans after the announcement that Britain's favourite American export will return for a one-off special. It's an even better week for fans of another US product as chlorinated chicken will also be hitting our shores.
3. It's a bad week for Brits returning from Italy, who have been told to 'self-isolate'. It's a good week for PornHub and Kleenex who are expecting to see a sharp rise in profits.
Quote: KevDP4L @ 27th February 2020, 6:52 PMWeek 3 rejects from me:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Tesco has started selling plasters in a range of different skin tones. The new product has left customers tripping over themselves to get them.
2. A German court has given Tesla a green light to chop down trees for its new factory outside Berlin, however Tesla are insisting that a chainsaw would work better.
3. A lorry carrying 170 pigs has overturned on a Spanish motorway. The driver has praised the emergency services for their quick response, saying they really saved his bacon.GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for children in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland, after their football associations banned heading the ball due to links with dementia.
It's been a bad week for children in Wales, although they can't quite remember why.
2. It's been a bad week for a woman from Chesterfield, who got her arm trapped in her bed for 13 hours.
It's been a good week for fans of the movie 127 Hours, as a sequel is now in the works.
3. It's been a good week for a 62-year-old former marine, who broke a Guinness World Record by planking for over eight hours.
It's been a bad week for his embarrassed grandkids, because planking is like, so 2011.
These are good. Apologies. The Tesla one....only thing I can think of is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre linked to chainsaws. Is this linked to that?
Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 27th February 2020, 9:09 PMAttempts for this week;
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Two ticket touts who illegally made over six million pounds online have been charged, five pounds booking in fee and eight pounds for the service.2. Tesco have released premium plasters in more racially diverse skin tones, whilst positive, they have been described as a bit of a rip off.
3. A child protection official has been slammed after suggesting women can become pregnant whilst swimming, although this does appear to be a miscommunication over the term 'stroking a length'.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for camels after three thousand were evacuated in Libya.
But it's been a bad week for Noah, who has been accused of slacking off during the floods.2. It's been a good week for people with an overactive bladder, as the University of Portsmouth have invented a test to detect the condition.
But it's been a bad wee...oh I shouldn't have said wee. I've got to go.3. It's been a bad week for two burglars who broke into a betting shop whilst it was open.
But it's been a good week for William Hill, who had them odds on to be arrested.
I like GWBW 2 and 3. You could maybe replace 'whilst positive' with 'though' in BN 1.
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 27th February 2020, 9:23 PMTesco proving popular.........
A man in the US state of Virginia was arrested after trying to steal three goats. As police had forgotten their handcuffs, they had to put the thief in kid gloves
Tesco has started selling plasters in different skin tones. A spokesperson said it was company policy to assist with every little yelp
A recording of a song Chris Martin wrote when he was 12 is being sold at auction. The singer has asked for a fellow musician to take the sale, so the auctioneers have appointed MC Hammer
It's been a good week for shoppers caught short, after an action group published toilet access codes online. And a good week for practical jokers who now have more locations to try out the cling film prank
Really like 3. Also liked 4.
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 27th February 2020, 11:13 PMSeems like the Tesco Plaster thing was a popular topic.
Here are mine:
1. It's been a good week for people of colour, who can now buy plasters from Tesco in a range of skin tones. It's a bad week for Donald Trump who is still waiting for the orange version.
2. It's a good week for Friends fans after the announcement that Britain's favourite American export will return for a one-off special. It's an even better week for fans of another US product as chlorinated chicken will also be hitting our shores.
3. It's a bad week for Brits returning from Italy, who have been told to 'self-isolate'. It's a good week for PornHub and Kleenex who are expecting to see a sharp rise in profits.
Like 1 and 3.
As usual, thanks for marking the 'homework', BTF
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 28th February 2020, 7:55 AMAs usual, thanks for marking the 'homework', BTF
Pleasure
Struggled this week and only got 2 BNs submitted:
1. An athlete in the US suffered a grisly injury following a pole-vaulting accident this week, required 18 stitches to his scrotum. He is reported to be making a full recovery and plans to return to the sport despite getting the sack.
2. The British Army has relinquished control of its last remaining military headquarters in Germany. Control of the base was reportedly lost in the early hours of Saturday morning, after the German army claimed it with a beach towel.
Quote: Jamie Thomas @ 28th February 2020, 8:11 AMStruggled this week and only got 2 BNs submitted:
1. An athlete in the US suffered a grisly injury following a pole-vaulting accident this week, required 18 stitches to his scrotum. He is reported to be making a full recovery and plans to return to the sport despite getting the sack.
2. The British Army has relinquished control of its last remaining military headquarters in Germany. Control of the base was reportedly lost in the early hours of Saturday morning, after the German army claimed it with a beach towel.
Like BN2. Could maybe cut down words.
Really happy with my BNs this week, but wasn't 100% sure with the GW/BW's but sent them just in case. I really wanted the second BN to get on, as I would have loved to have heard it performed. Probably didn't stand a chance because of the age demographic of the audience (and listeners?)
BREAKING NEWS:
A tantric massage parlour was registered to the address of a flat being rented out by Rory Stewart. Mr Stewart has denied any impropriety, saying it sounded like a Sting operation.
And finally, a hardware store in Buckinghamshire that recreated the Two Ronnies' iconic 'Four Candles' sketch, has said business is now booming. They've installed a loudspeaker. It's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
It has been a bad week for junk food lovers, as claims arose that it is addictive and damages a part of the brain which exercises self-control.
It has been a good week for people that like to say, no shit, Sherlock.
It has been a bad week for the British Public, as the BBC has removed the chance to choose this year's Eurovision Song Contest entry.
It has been a good week for viewers, as they will no longer have to sit through, Eurovision: You Decide.
After last week's really strong show, a lot of the stuff fell flat for me last night? Not sure what others thought?
My BNs
The world's most expensive sheepdog was sold at auction for £18k. Bidding was slow until the seller blew a whistle and told those present to 'Come buy! Come buy!'
After a period of gradual dimming, the supergiant star Betelgeuse is getting brighter again. Astronomers believe Betelgeuse may have quit Facebook.
Boxer Tyson Fury celebrated his heavyweight title win by singing multiple verses of American Pie - in contrast to most of Fury's opponents who enter the ring just singing 'This'll be the day that I die'.
