Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 4

Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 21st February 2020, 7:00 AM

Ta. Yeah I don't tend to check twitter before submitting as most weeks every joke around the subject has probably been done anyway, and I'd never come up with anything! However, if it is something I have seen in my timeline, then I'd definitely avoid it. I thought the BWGW Amazon one you did was a great angle.

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You do sometimes hear new takes on old jokes and lines you think must've been on twitter - my advice would be if you think you've got a good take or good line on something go for it

( However the last time I got something on was Feb 2018 so you may want to take this advice with a pince of salt....)

Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2020, 8:02 PM

here's my rejects from week 2. There's a 'nearly' in amongst them. My money is on the Jose haircut one...

Victoria Beckham has fallen out with Stella McCarthy after poaching her nanny. She tempted her away by offering to double her McPhee.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record in Glasgow. He used to practice in his back garden in America and dreamed of landing 'across the pond'.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record at an indoor event in Glasgow. Spectators say he raised the roof.

It's been a bad week for Spurs boss, Jose Mourinho, who had to settle for a shaved head after his haircut went awry.
But it's been a good week for Jose's barber whose been inundated with requests for a 'Special One'.

It's been a bad week for one of the characters of EastEnders when tragedy strikes aboard a Thames party boat.
It's been a good week for the Queen Vic which just confirmed a booking for a finger buffet and wake.

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Its Nanny McPhee for me too. Loved that one ????

Loving this thread!

Made my first submission ever this week. One of them (not sure which) got to the script but unfortunately not to the final edit:

1. A savvy bachelor received over 2000 applications for a Valentine's Day date this week after advertising himself on a billboard. It is reported that next year he plans to place the advert on the side of a bus, where he has heard it's possible to attract up to 17 million people hoping to leave the Single Market.

2. A new book published this week claims that the US President Donald Trump is obsessed with badgers, with the creatures often cropping up in conversation between him and his advisers. Rotund, often vicious, and with peculiar facial colouration, the President declined to comment.

3. A fast food worker in the US was fired this week after being caught taking a bath in the restaurant sink. The manager claims that the sink is primarily used in the preparation of salads, so it is believed that no customers' health has been put at risk.

2nd submission, 2nd rejection! Unfortunately didn't have a lot of time, so more clunky that I would've liked but we go again...

1) A grandmother abducted her child from a Louisiana hospital at gunpoint this week. Neighbours have stated they aren't surprised, all week she had been playing Grandma Theft Auto.

2) The GMB have claimed that over 600 people have been injured in Amazon warehouses over the past 3 years. In response, Amazon have claimed that if the people would just stay in their cages, none of this would have happened.

3) An American woman, posing as a baby photographer, drugged a mother in order to steal her new-born child. The mother was understandably unnerved, how could anyone expect a baby to take photographs?

1) It's been a bad week for the BBC, after Downing Street vowed to abolish TV licenses. But it's been a good week for the Licensing Fee men on the ground who, for the first time in years, have set foot in a house.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 20th February 2020, 7:44 PM

My efforts this week:
It's been a bad week for Apple after it warned the coronavirus will hurt iPhone supplies. But it's been a good week for Microsoft as for the first time ever, it hasn't suffered from a virus.

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Really liked that one

Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2020, 8:02 PM

here's my rejects from week 2. There's a 'nearly' in amongst them. My money is on the Jose haircut one...

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That's the one I'd go with - it's a cracker!

Quote: Jamie Thomas @ 21st February 2020, 10:44 AM

1. A savvy bachelor received over 2000 applications for a Valentine's Day date this week after advertising himself on a billboard. It is reported that next year he plans to place the advert on the side of a bus, where he has heard it's possible to attract up to 17 million people hoping to leave the Single Market.

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Maybe a bit too wordy for a BN gag, but still a fantastic joke!

My submissions for this week are below. I can only apologise for BN #3 - I came up with it at 11.55 on deadline day and didn't have time to think about it before I submitted.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Extinction Rebellion have been heavily criticised for destroying the lawn at Cambridge's Trinity College. A spokesperson for the group admitted they've really dug a hole for themselves this time.
2. Boris Johnson has come under criticism for refusing to visit towns affected by Storm Dennis, although in his defence, surely the last thing these towns need is a visit from another natural disaster.
3. Jeff Bezos has pledged $10bn to help the environment. He made the pledge after learning that climate change is related to the destruction of The Amazon.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the Israeli military after dozens of troops had their smartphones hacked by Hamas members posing as attractive women.
It's been a good week for me, because my phone says there are still plenty of hot singles in my area.
2. It's been a good week for the 400 Americans that were rescued from a quarantined cruise ship in Japan.
It's also been a good week for the rest of the passengers, after 400 Americans were removed from the ship.
3. It's been a bad week for Manchester City after they were banned from the Champions League for breaching financial fair play rules.
It's been a good week for 52% of their fans, because they didn't want to be in Europe anyway.

Quote: Jamie Thomas @ 21st February 2020, 10:44 AM

Loving this thread!

Made my first submission ever this week. One of them (not sure which) got to the script but unfortunately not to the final edit:

1. A savvy bachelor received over 2000 applications for a Valentine's Day date this week after advertising himself on a billboard. It is reported that next year he plans to place the advert on the side of a bus, where he has heard it's possible to attract up to 17 million people hoping to leave the Single Market.

2. A new book published this week claims that the US President Donald Trump is obsessed with badgers, with the creatures often cropping up in conversation between him and his advisers. Rotund, often vicious, and with peculiar facial colouration, the President declined to comment.

3. A fast food worker in the US was fired this week after being caught taking a bath in the restaurant sink. The manager claims that the sink is primarily used in the preparation of salads, so it is believed that no customers' health has been put at risk.

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Excellent to make recording with first attempt. Not many do that. Your BN1 is very good - maybe could be honed.

Quote: Con @ 21st February 2020, 11:43 AM

2nd submission, 2nd rejection! Unfortunately didn't have a lot of time, so more clunky that I would've liked but we go again...

1) A grandmother abducted her child from a Louisiana hospital at gunpoint this week. Neighbours have stated they aren't surprised, all week she had been playing Grandma Theft Auto.

2) The GMB have claimed that over 600 people have been injured in Amazon warehouses over the past 3 years. In response, Amazon have claimed that if the people would just stay in their cages, none of this would have happened.

3) An American woman, posing as a baby photographer, drugged a mother in order to steal her new-born child. The mother was understandably unnerved, how could anyone expect a baby to take photographs?

1) It's been a bad week for the BBC, after Downing Street vowed to abolish TV licenses. But it's been a good week for the Licensing Fee men on the ground who, for the first time in years, have set foot in a house.

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Your BN 2 on Amazon made me laugh. I like the BWGW. I like the idea behind 1 and 3.

Quote: KevDP4L @ 21st February 2020, 11:48 AM

Really liked that one

That's the one I'd go with - it's a cracker!

Maybe a bit too wordy for a BN gag, but still a fantastic joke!

My submissions for this week are below. I can only apologise for BN #3 - I came up with it at 11.55 on deadline day and didn't have time to think about it before I submitted.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Extinction Rebellion have been heavily criticised for destroying the lawn at Cambridge's Trinity College. A spokesperson for the group admitted they've really dug a hole for themselves this time.
2. Boris Johnson has come under criticism for refusing to visit towns affected by Storm Dennis, although in his defence, surely the last thing these towns need is a visit from another natural disaster.
3. Jeff Bezos has pledged $10bn to help the environment. He made the pledge after learning that climate change is related to the destruction of The Amazon.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the Israeli military after dozens of troops had their smartphones hacked by Hamas members posing as attractive women.
It's been a good week for me, because my phone says there are still plenty of hot singles in my area.
2. It's been a good week for the 400 Americans that were rescued from a quarantined cruise ship in Japan.
It's also been a good week for the rest of the passengers, after 400 Americans were removed from the ship.
3. It's been a bad week for Manchester City after they were banned from the Champions League for breaching financial fair play rules.
It's been a good week for 52% of their fans, because they didn't want to be in Europe anyway.

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Nothing wrong with BN3. I really liked it. Liked your other BNs. My favourite GWBW was no 3.

Quote: KevDP4L @ 21st February 2020, 11:48 AM

Maybe a bit too wordy for a BN gag, but still a fantastic joke!

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Quote: BTF @ 21st February 2020, 12:35 PM

Excellent to make recording with first attempt. Not many do that. Your BN1 is very good - maybe could be honed.

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Thanks both Agree it's a bit long winded - ended up rewording it over and over again until I'd definitely over-worked it.

Really enjoyed your BN1 and GW/BW 2 btw Kev!

Quote: Jamie Thomas @ 21st February 2020, 10:44 AM

Loving this thread!

Made my first submission ever this week. One of them (not sure which) got to the script but unfortunately not to the final edit:

1. A savvy bachelor received over 2000 applications for a Valentine's Day date this week after advertising himself on a billboard. It is reported that next year he plans to place the advert on the side of a bus, where he has heard it's possible to attract up to 17 million people hoping to leave the Single Market.

2. A new book published this week claims that the US President Donald Trump is obsessed with badgers, with the creatures often cropping up in conversation between him and his advisers. Rotund, often vicious, and with peculiar facial colouration, the President declined to comment.

3. A fast food worker in the US was fired this week after being caught taking a bath in the restaurant sink. The manager claims that the sink is primarily used in the preparation of salads, so it is believed that no customers' health has been put at risk.

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Think these are a particularly good batch for first submissions. Really like 3 - my money would be on this one making the edit . Think they get a lot submitted in the 2 format / structure.Think you should be able to reply to the email you got and ask if they can let you know which breaking news made the record

Oh, go on then. First time I tried this, so they're probably a bit rough and ready, but here we go:

Breaking News:
1. Israeli soldiers have been duped into downloading security busting software by Hamas operatives posing as young women seeking attention.
The Israeli military have shut the services down but did express surprise their trained troops were caught out by apps named "Palestinder", "Gaza Strippers" and "Best W**k"

2. Storm Ciara has uncovered a 130m year old dinosaur footprint on a beach on the Isle of Wight. One archaeologist commented, "This has given us a fascinating insight into what Britain was like
many many years ago," after visiting a local shop to buy their lunch.

3. The 35th anniversary of Eastenders is to be celebrated this week with the death of a prominent character on a Thames boat trip. When asked who she thought the victim might be, ex cast member Anita Dobson was tight-lipped, telling our reporter "Anyone can fall in, love."

Good week/ Bad week

It has been a bad week for those in their early twenties who weren't given the MMR vaccine, as rates of Mumps infections have reached their highest levels in ten years.
However it has been a good week, strangely, for retailer Fat Face.

I wondered if the Isle of Wight one would offend, and if the mumps one was a bit sick, but went for them anyway,

Quote: El Hutcho @ 21st February 2020, 2:23 PM

Oh, go on then. First time I tried this, so they're probably a bit rough and ready, but here we go:

Breaking News:
1. Israeli soldiers have been duped into downloading security busting software by Hamas operatives posing as young women seeking attention.
The Israeli military have shut the services down but did express surprise their trained troops were caught out by apps named "Palestinder", "Gaza Strippers" and "Best W**k"

2. Storm Ciara has uncovered a 130m year old dinosaur footprint on a beach on the Isle of Wight. One archaeologist commented, "This has given us a fascinating insight into what Britain was like
many many years ago," after visiting a local shop to buy their lunch.

3. The 35th anniversary of Eastenders is to be celebrated this week with the death of a prominent character on a Thames boat trip. When asked who she thought the victim might be, ex cast member Anita Dobson was tight-lipped, telling our reporter "Anyone can fall in, love."

Good week/ Bad week

It has been a bad week for those in their early twenties who weren't given the MMR vaccine, as rates of Mumps infections have reached their highest levels in ten years.
However it has been a good week, strangely, for retailer Fat Face.

I wondered if the Isle of Wight one would offend, and if the mumps one was a bit sick, but went for them anyway,

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I like number three - very clever. I can imagine getting this on the show and having the last line sung

Well done everyone who posted, and commiserations to my fellow rejects... these are my faves so far:

Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2020, 8:02 PM

It's been a bad week for Spurs boss, Jose Mourinho, who had to settle for a shaved head after his haircut went awry. But it's been a good week for Jose's barber whose been inundated with requests for a 'Special One'.

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I read this and thought "that's funny", but then I wonder if it reads better than it sounds out loud if you see what I mean? I think more guys than gals will understand it possibly, and the emphasis of "grade ONE" vs "SPECIAL one" is not a problem when written but might lose the joke a bit out loud? Probably vastly over-analysing it, it's still a good joke

Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 20th February 2020, 9:24 PM

1. Schools are giving teachers body cameras in a pilot scheme to tackle pupils' bad behaviour. "This is an excellent idea, you wouldn't believe some of the atrocious language and threats of violence we are subjected to," said one student.

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I think someone else already said this but it needs to lose the "pupils'" as it doesn't make sense with it (if you think about it). Maybe also trim the "This is an excellent idea" as I think Newsjack guys would want it shorter/punchier perhaps? Still funny!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 21st February 2020, 11:48 AM

1. Extinction Rebellion have been heavily criticised for destroying the lawn at Cambridge's Trinity College. A spokesperson for the group admitted they've really dug a hole for themselves this time.

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Ha, I wrote the exact same joke almost identical wording even except I put "Extinction Rebellion" in the second sentence... but then I swapped it out at the last minute for a different reject...

2. It's been a good week for the 400 Americans that were rescued from a quarantined cruise ship in Japan.
It's also been a good week for the rest of the passengers, after 400 Americans were removed from the ship.

LOL I think that's very funny because it's true, but I can see why Newsjack might not want to do that (unfortunately).

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 20th February 2020, 7:59 PM

1. An Italian mafia boss has been found hiding in a Lancashire caravan park, Genaro Panzuto was wanted for a multitude of crimes including murder, extortion and owning a caravan.

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Very funny. Got to assume Kiri owns a caravan if that didn't make it on.

Quote: El Hutcho @ 21st February 2020, 2:23 PM

2. Storm Ciara has uncovered a 130m year old dinosaur footprint on a beach on the Isle of Wight. One archaeologist commented, "This has given us a fascinating insight into what Britain was like many many years ago," after visiting a local shop to buy their lunch.

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Also very funny, and now we know where Kiri keeps her caravan... (I'd maybe snip off the "to buy their lunch", not sure that adds to the punchline?)

Anyway, what do I know, here are my rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A candidate for Mayor in Paris has withdrawn from the race after the release of a sex video that gave Parisians an eyeful/Eiffel.

2. A court has ordered Google to identify the person behind an anonymous review of a dentist which said (GARBLED) "arghun mmm ungow ferrrpun gondowww bawwwwdunn...".

3. Shoezone has warned it could close 100 stores, explaining that some of them were too small, some were too large, and some just didn't quite feel right.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a badger that fell through the ceiling of a Superdrug store; it's been a good week for Superdrug who had a new fragrance hitting their shelves.

2. It's been a good week for China as the government starts sterilizing bank notes in an attempt to stop the coronavirus spreading; it's been a bad week in the fight against money laundering.

3. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family after their website accidentally linked to a porn site; it's been a good week for fans of the Royal Family who got an unexpected glimpse of the Crown Jewels.

Quote: El Hutcho @ 21st February 2020, 2:23 PM

3. The 35th anniversary of Eastenders is to be celebrated this week with the death of a prominent character on a Thames boat trip. When asked who she thought the victim might be, ex cast member Anita Dobson was tight-lipped, telling our reporter "Anyone can fall in, love."

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That's a great one.

Quote: skram @ 21st February 2020, 6:26 PM

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for a badger that fell through the ceiling of a Superdrug store; it's been a good week for Superdrug who had a new fragrance hitting their shelves.

2. It's been a good week for China as the government starts sterilizing bank notes in an attempt to stop the coronavirus spreading; it's been a bad week in the fight against money laundering.

3. It's been a bad week for the Royal Family after their website accidentally linked to a porn site; it's been a good week for fans of the Royal Family who got an unexpected glimpse of the Crown Jewels.

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Like all there of the GW/BW.

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 20th February 2020, 7:59 PM

My efforts for this week;

1. An Italian mafia boss has been found hiding in a Lancashire caravan park, Genaro Panzuto was wanted for a multitude of crimes including murder, extortion and owning a caravan.
2. Scientists have discovered a hormone found in chocolate that can help men with a low sex drive, a quick twirl can provide a significant boost, leading to a ripple in the trousers.
3. A dispute over a washing machine that lead to police being called at Curry's PC World has been settled, after both parties were found to be going around in cycles.

(Sorry about that one)

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for the environment after it was proven human compost funerals are more eco-friendly than traditional methods.
It's been a bad week for fans of tough mudder, who really shouldn't slow down.

2. It's been a bad week for French ski resorts after they had to buy in snow for their mountains.
It's been a good week for Mr Frosty, who has made the top one hundred richest entrepreneurs of 2020.

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I like BN1.

Always a bit wary of posting sketches but here goes as I was pretty happy with this one. I try to tick the obvious boxes when coming up with sketches, ie. recent news story, try to integrate/include a second news story, preferably an opportunity for impressions, every line a setup or joke, more than 2 voices if possible, an actual ending/punchline.... happy to get feedback on where I might be falling short:

INTRO: This week the government confirmed that it was carrying on regardless with HS2 - yes that really does sound like a Carry On film, that's probably where they get half their ideas from. But with the project already running massively over-budget and behind schedule, the question remains how will they fund this hole in the government's finances ahead of the budget?

FX/GRAMS - DRAGONS DEN

EVAN DAVIS: Next up into The Den are London pair Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak who think they've come up with an ingenious solution to bridge the north-south divide.

BORIS JOHNSON: Well, hello Dragons, indeed, my name is Boris Johnson if you will.

RISHI SUNAK: So I must be Rishi Sunak. (ASIDE) Who knew this is what I sound like?!

BORIS JOHNSON: Today, as it were, we are looking for an investment of 55 billion of our Queen's great pounds for a 50% stake in HS2. I thank you.

EVAN DAVIS: The record investment wipes the smug grins off the faces of the Dragons, who suddenly realise they're not quite so minted after all. First to question them is seasoned Dragon, Deborah Meaden.

DEBORAH MEADEN: Look, Boris, first of all stop playing with your hair and stand still. Now, what about patents?

BORIS JOHNSON: Well it is patently obvious, I should think, that this is a fantastic investment opportunity.

DEBORAH MEADEN: See, you've got me worried now Boris, because you obviously think this is a good idea. Therefore I won't be investing, I'm out.

BORIS JOHNSON: Bugger.

EVAN DAVIES: Will Touker Suleyman break with tradition and consider any investment that doesn't involve cravats or handkerchiefs?

TOUKER SULEYMAN: No, I'm out.

BORIS JOHNSON: Well, ha, hmmm.

PETER JONES: Hi guys, I'm Peter Jones. Yes THE Peter Jones, do you recognise me? Aren't I handsome? Look at my teeth when I smile.

BORIS JOHNSON: Marvellous, Peter, they look like shiny pearls of wisdom, as white as a Tory constituency, spewing forth such financial prescience from the cavernous jaws of a God-like behemoth that I cannot comprehend.

PETER JONES: I certainly can't disagree with any of that, however your trains aren't remote-controlled, so I'm out.

EVAN DAVIES: It's another blow for the Prime Minister that has left him looking like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Can Tej Lalvani throw him a lifeline?

TEJ LALVANI: Guys, let me tell you where I'm at. I've not actually listened to a word you've said, I've just been sat here stroking my pile of cash admiring how rich I am. I'm out.

EVAN DAVIES: The desperate pair's hopes now rest with the final Dragon, Sara Davies.

SARA DAVIES: OK, look right - I'm a northern lass, I think I can see how this could help the economy up north.

BORIS JOHNSON: You can? Fantastic, would you mind explaining it to us because we don't have a clue, do we Rishi?

SARA DAVIES: Look, you're after a lot of money, £55 billion - I could buy a flat in London for that. But I'll make you an offer... do you wanna go and talk to the wall?

BORIS JOHNSON: Absolutely, 55 billion percent. So what is your offer then?

SARA DAVIES: Howay man, that was the offer, go stand in the corner - I'm sick of the sight of your face man! I'm out!

BORIS JOHNSON: Bugger, I knew we should have gone for a Chinese Dragon instead. Rishi, have you still got the number for Huawei?

END