Here is the second script of a sitcom I thought that the BBC were having as it was written under the advice of a BBC producer. It is a mile away from my normal stuff as I was specifically asked to write a working class sitcom as I am working class
So I wrote 5 of them and I was getting positive feedback and indicators and doing changes and I was even given a meet in Manchester to buoy my spirits etc. And the style was asked to fit BBC 1 at 830ish so there is no swearing or overt references to watershed stuff.
Then sadly I was dropped in an email which happens but we parted on mutual terms as no writer can afford to argue with a BBC producer and the producer agreed that I could show it to others at the BBC, so I did. I sent this again to the new head of comedy but he gave it back to a another friend of the producer who had seen it anyway and they have the same tastes so it is now dead in the water.
That said I personally think that it is a genuine realistic insight int a working class house, there are no horses brothels or people eating ecstasy tablets like they're Smarties.
So although I have worked on this and poured over it it still clearly needs a critique and I would be grateful for anyone to look at it and offer their views be they negative or not as I really can't see the issue yet its clearly there? I won't say what these two BBC people said as I hope anyone who reads it says the same so I know its me who is in the wrong
Common Place
By Teddy Paddalack
Episode Two:
Going, Going Goners!
SCENE: LOUNGE - AM
Eddy a middle aged Scouser is taking photos of a top he is wearing with a camera phone. The top is clearly too tight on him and as he takes the pictures, he checks it and takes another.
Eddy hears someone coming down the stairs. So he hides the phone behind his back but brings it back and continues once he sees that its Jonjo.
JONJO ENTERS
Jonjo 17 scouse.
JONJO
Alright dad
EDDY
How come you're up I thought your match
was off with the frost?
JONJO
It is, I'm going into town with Click ...
Dad why have you got my gear on I thought
you were selling it?
EDDY
I am! But the trader's top tips reckon
stuff sells better if the punter can see
what it looks like on!
JONJO
Ahh please don't tell me you've been posting
pictures of yourself dressed as a kid on the internet!
EDDY
I'm not that soft! I chop my head off!
JONJO
What about your ale gut?
EDDY
I airbrush that out
JONO
You can Airbrush?
EDDY
I'm like a duck me lad, all I need is
putting on the pond
JONJO
You need to be careful people like
you get robbed every day on-line
EDDY
Then you won't be wanting your half of
50 quid I got for your old Everton tracky
then will you?
JONJO
50 buff! Get in that was last seasons!
EDDY
You soon changed your tune
JONJO
So, I've got 25 quid, nice swan dad
Jonjo looks at Eddy's face and knows instantly that there's a problem surrounding his money.
EDDY
Errrrm you're due just under 16 quid, there was a load of postage and packing. The lad
who bought is in Azerbaijan
JONJO
Can I at least have that then?
EDDY
Erm not yet I had to give him a 14-day money back guarantee. So, you'll see that at the end of the month.
JONJO
You mean you've done the money in? I knew
this would happen! Robbed by my own arl
fella the shame of that!
EDDY
Make your mind up lad, one minute you worried about me getting robbed the next you're accusing me of robbing you! You're getting hysterical!
Jonjo is not having any of Eddy's patter.
JONJO
Don't try the 'You're getting hysterical' crap on me! I'm not our Kelly, where's me money?
EDDY
Alright calm down lad you'll get it when I get paid! I've just had overheads you know the score, setting up costs and all that!
JONJO:
Setting up costs? I gave you the laptop! And we already had the internet!
EDDY
Who bought the laptop in the first-place soft lad? And guess who pays for the internet?
JONJO
I knew this would happen! I was wondering why you went on the ale straight from work on Monday Night. Only Connect was on the telly and you're right into that Vicky what's her name?
EDDY
I am not! And keep your voice down your mothers having a lie in!
JONJO
I knew I'd get ripped off
EDDY
You haven't been ripped off. I had to go ,half the ale house was buzzing off me for selling on-line even Daft Derek got in on it and said I'd get groomed!
JONJO
That's not bad for him
EDDY
So I splashed the cash you know the score lad,
I'll box you off when I get paid
JONJO
Fair enough
EDDY
You should have seen Two Tellies face when I told him I got 70 quid for that tracky
JONJO
You said you got 50!
EDDY
Erm I did... I was just throwing a bit of salt and vinegar on the chips you know the score.
JONJO
Just make sure I get my dough dad, I loved that tracky!
EDDY
You told your mother to bin it?
FX DOORBELL
JONJO
That'll be Click
EDDY
It could be my parcel
JONO EXITS
JONO & CLICK ENTER
Click 17 scouse instantly smiles as he sees Eddy in Jonjos top and shorts.
CLICK
Now then Mr Mac what are you the decoy in
an on-line peado sting
EDDY
Hilarious
.
CLICK
All I can say is anyone who fancies you
in that gear deffo needs taking off the streets!
JONJO
He's modelling for his auction site.
CLICK
Disturbing that lad, just makes you wonder who's out there?
EDDY
People with dough that's who. I've just sold our Jonjos old Everton tracksuit for 50 quid.
CLICK
Fifty buff for an arl Everton tracky! They could have got 2 new ones for that!
EDDY
I know but he didn't want Liverpool ones
CLICK
I'd hang on to that dough Mr Mac. Once your victim's carer gets back from wherever they were and sees what's gone down they'll be wanting that back
JONJO
He's already done the money in on the ale, anyway the buyers in Azerbaijan!
CLICK
Azerbaijan! What's Everton doing with overseas fans? He probably thinks it's a Real Madrid away one or something.
EDDY:
So how come you two are going into town this early? Is the Idiot Society having a head count?
JONJO
They're interviewing for catering staff for the Grand National, we're banging in for it
EDDY
What about your real jobs?
JONJO
The arse is falling out of it dad. They reckon they're stopping the basic soon and just giving us commission
CLICK
The way it's going we'll be building Sand Dogs outside Maccies in our lunch just to cover our bus fares
JONJO
So, we're just gonna throw sickies in and work the National
EDDY
You're both calling in sick at the same time? How on top is that?
CLICK
We're gonna say it's a bug and we caught it off each other
EDDY
Got all the answers you two
CLICK
One step ahead us Mr Mac that's where we operate from
EDDY:
So the plan is, call in sick? Then prance around for 3 days in white jackets at one of the largest televised sporting events in the world?
JONJO
We'll keep out the way of the telly dad we're not that soft
EDDY
Aren't you? Every boss in Liverpool goes there so it's a knocking bet that they'll walk right into you two, I mean it's not like your low profile is it?
Jono and Click faces suggest they've clearly not thought everything through. But as Click starts thinking on his feet his bravados lifts Jonjo.
CLICK
We'll just bang in for kitchen jobs then, they're right out the way. And if Claire Balding does come in with a camera crew we'll just pull our chef's hat down over our eyes.
FX Doorbell.
EDDY
That'll be my parcel.
EDDY EXITS
EDDY ENTERS
Eddy is carrying a large box and is very pleased with himself as he places it onto the coffee table. He then starts opening it.
EDDY
Here we go
JONJO
What's that?
EDDY
This son is a wok with a 40-piece bowl and chopstick set unused still in the box
JONJO
Does me mam know you're buying as well as selling?
EDDY
No, she doesn't, and I want it kept that way! I'm gonna surprise her with it on Curry Night.
JONJO
She won't be surprised she said you'd bring in more crap than you'd shift!
EDDY
This isn't crap, this is quality this! And it only cost me 2 quid!
CLICK
Quality for 2 buff?
EDDY
Don't let the price kid you this is a 'Jilted Bride' job! They sell out of spite so the lower they get the better they feel. Look it's still wrapped with a gift tag. Ooh this was off the groom's mother.
CLICK
Sick that Mr Mac, come head Jonjo we need to be at this interview
JONJO AND CLICK EXIT.
SCENE: BUS- DAY.
JONJO
How fast is this bus?
CLICK
I know he jumped that last set of lights!
I reckon he's robbed it
JONJO
I'm not arsed, as long as he sticks to the
route
CLICK
I'm just gutted we paid on.
BUS HALTS
CLICK
Ahhh that's why he was bombing it? It's a changeover!
JONO
Oh, I hate that, we'll be stuck here for ages, the other drivers not even here yet!
CLICK
Look at her over there, she's gorgeous. I bet she's going as well. If she is then I'll work with her in the Champagne tent, while you hold the horse's outside
JONJO
Lad you'll be cleaning the stables out while I'm in the winner's tent getting 50 quid tips and being clocked by a load of Cougars.
CLICK
You couldn't handle a Cougar lad, I'd have to step in
SFX phone pings
Jonjo briefly checks his phone
CLICK
Who's that?
JONJO:
Just the app for that site me dads on. I need to keep an eye on what he gets? And when he
gets it?
CLICK
Smart move that lad your arl feller makes Jaws look like a koi carp!
SCENE: KITCHEN- DAY
MARY ENTERS.
Mary is not fully awake as she goes to the fridge for milk. Eddy is working away on his laptop. Mary is annoyed that Eddy hasn't even spoken.
MARY
I'll make the coffee, then shall I?
EDDY
You'll have to love it's mad busy on here this morning
MARY
How come you've got our Jonjo's old clothes
On?. Ooh are you doing the back-garden like you said? Thank god it's in a real state
EDDY
Get lost I'm selling this!
MARY
What are you doing stretching it for them first?
EDDY
You won't be moaning when I get rid of all the crap out the house AND get us enough money for a new three piece will you?
MARY
I'd rather you were doing the garden, like you promised!
EDDY
It's rock hard with frost! Anyway, Saturday mornings are the busiest on here it's when most of us traders are on!
MARY
Trader! you've only been at it 5 minutes.
EDDY
It's a doddle, come and have a look love, you'll love it.
MARY
No, I'm not getting dragged into it.
EDDY
Wait till you see it girl you can sell anything. I bet you'd be nearly as good as me once you got the hang of it!
MARY
Go on then up budge up.
EDDY
Right I've just finished what we call Photoshopping and now, as you can see, I've posted the picture
MARY
Don't you look slimmer with no head?
EDDY:
Right so the photos up as you can see so now, I just write a simple description.
Eddy begins to type with one finger causing Mary to eyeroll.
EDDY
Cont.
'Quality top - worn once- at party where elderly relative died- can't bring self to wear again- as new!
MARY
Eddy!
EDDY
What? That's just the backstory love! It stops them wondering why you're selling it in the first place
MARY
So, what happens now?
EDDY
We just sit back and let the bids roll in.
SCENE: STREET QUEUE- DAY
Jonjo and Click are in a queue of hopeful job seekers
JONJO
This queues a bit strong lad I thought we'd be the first here
CLICK
We would have been if it wasn't for that changeover no wonder they started fighting when the other one eventually turned up
JONJO
We should have got off and walked we would have got here earlier! And now I'm freezing!
CLICK
I'll tell what'll warm us up?
JONJO
What?
CLICK:
Winding your dad up, he's well overdue a slap him lad. Let's hit his site with massive bids on all his stuff so he thinks he's loaded.
JONJO
Nah he might type with one finger but you'd never catch me dad out with something like that he'd get right onto it
CLICK
What if we play with his head then? We'll just ask loads of dead stupid questions?
JONJO
Now that lad is brilliant! If there's one thing me dad can't handle its idiots!
SCENE: KITCHEN -DAY
Eddy and Mary are sat at the laptop Eddy is keen Mary is sceptical.
EDDY:
Here we go, we've had a bid on our Jonjo's top already, oh wait it's a question... 'How heavy is it?
MARY
How heavy is it? Is he joking?
EDDY
He might be mixed up with another bid, I'll ask him why he wants to know?
Eddy types and then reads the reply.
EDDY
I'm a frequent flyer, luggage weight
is dead important!
.
Eddy struggles to take off the T shirt then he hands it to a less than impressed Mary
EDDY
You weigh that love while I keep him talking. It sounds like we've got a 'Jet Setter' on the hook here girl
MARY
Get lost I'm not weighing anything. Anyway, what type of 'Jet Setter' runs around wearing second-hand clothes?
EDDY
That's how they've got money in the first place!
MARY
I'm not sitting dealing with idiots all day! I've got to get to my mums. Don't you stay on that all day either. You'll have to go to the shops for the tea.
EDDY
Will do love I'll be an hour tops on this then I'll sort it out, what do you fancy I could make meatballs?
MARY
Sound they all eat them oh and can you get me a couple of bottles of Prosecco I'm going over to Gordons there's an eviction on what's its face tonight?
EDDY
Suits me girl Everton are away to Spurs so I can watch Match of the Day if we win or the Discovery Channel if we get murdered.
MARY EXITS
As Mary exits a topless Eddy starts opening cupboards till he finds the scales.
SCENE: TOWN-DAY
Jonjo & Click are in the job hunter's line. Clicks phone Pings and he looks at it.
CLICK
7 oz that T shirt lad.
JONJO:
Tell him it's too heavy.
SCENE: KITCHEN DAY.
Eddy is irately typing a reply with one finger.
SCENE: TOWN-DAY
Click is reading Eddy's reply with glee
CLICK
Oh we've got him good here lad.
JONO
What's he saying?
CLICK
If you can't afford an extra 7oz of baggage, you shouldn't be going on holiday tight arse!
Jono & Click are delighted
SCENE: KITCHEN-DAY
Eddy is sat at the kitchen table on his laptop. As Kelly enters, he looks up at the kitchen clock which reads 12. 25 pm
KELLY ENTERS.
Kelly 20,scouse, air head.
KELLY
Morning dad
EDDY
Afternoon love did you sleep ok
KELLY
I was freezing, me mam said you need to bleed the radiators
EDDY
It's on my 'To do' list with everything else in the house love
KELLY
Get the landlord to do it, it's his house!
EDDY
Who 'Crying Colin'? Fat chance he's in more debt than we are. He was the last person to jump on the 'Buy to Let' bandwagon and he fell off it at the first corner.
KELLY
Dad have you seen my little blue suitcase? I left it down here. We're getting picked up by a limo at Marias so I'm getting ready there.
EDDY
Limo?
KELLY
It's Marias birthday. Ah here it is, oh its full of crap...
Kelly finds the case and takes a top out that she dumps on the table in front of Eddy.
EDDY
Eh do you mind I'm trading here. Don't leave your dirty clothes all over the place!
KELLY
That's a rag now, you can use it to clean the windows or the floor or something?
EDDY
Ta love that won't half help.
KELLY
See ya dad don't forget my radiator! Hiya mam.
KELLY EXITS
MARY ENTERS
MARY
Where's she going?
EDDY
No idea I switch off after two seconds
MARY
What way are you holding that top?
you'll ruin it
EDDY
It's a rag! Our Kelly gave it to me so I can
scrub around like Cinderella.
MARY
That's a Roddy McFarlane, we paid 260 quid for that for her 18th two years ago
EDDY
Well you know where that's going?
Eddy types with one finger
SCENE: BUS -DAY
Jonjo and Click are sat on the bus. Gordon a neighbour is three seats behind them, but they don't notice him.
JONJO
I can't believe we got took on! And in the kitchens as well, right out the way of the telly!
CLICK
Did you see me taking to that Carla? She's boss looking her lad
JONJO
I was on her mate Katinka they're at Uni together
CLICK
She said they're not sure where Aintree is? I reckon it was a come on, they've got their own student gaff as well. This is on this lad
SFX Phone beeps
JONJO
Oh this is too good this.
CLICK
What? What is it?
JONJO
He's only put some of our Kelly's stuff up for sale and there's no way she's let him do that
CLICK
I've got an even better idea., I'll bid
Click types in the bid and smirks
JONJO
How much did you bid?
CLICK
12p!
JONJO
Now that is going to do his head in
CLICK
That's not the best part lad, all we do now is let Kelly know that her clothes are for sale for 12p on the internet
JONJO
Lad that's brilliant she'll go ballistic.
CLICK
Two muppets with one stone
JONJO
We'll message Michelle the Mouth... anonymously of course...
CLICK
Of course
They both laugh.
SCENE: KITCHEN- DAY
Eddy is sat at the laptop on the kitchen table. He is clearly angry and is typing with one finger.
EDDY
This is a genuine Robby McFarlane idiot features- don't be wasting my time with 12p bids!
MARY ENTERS
She is less than impressed to see Eddy hasn't moved.
MARY
Are you still at that? Haven't you even been to the shops yet?
EDDY
They're open till ten I've got loads of time.
MARY
The meatballs needed to be in for ages, so
That they soak up the sauce.
EDDY
To be honest love it's looking at a chippy tea job. It's been wall to wall idiots on here all day
MARY
I told you this would happen it always does with you! This is getting out of hand already!
KELLY ENTERS
She is livid.
KELLY
I can't believe you're in on it a well mam!
MARY
In on what?
EDDY
I thought you were out in a limo with what's her face?
KELLY
We had to send it back there was baby oil all over the back seat and Maria found a thong in the door part! Anyway, never mind that what's my Robby McFarlane top doing for sale on the internet?
EDDY
Who told you?
KELLY
Big Mouth Michelle! It's all over the place I've been getting bombed with messages
Kelly uses her phone to go on the site
KELLY
Oh my god 12 pence!
MARY
It'll go up they get all sorts on here love, your dad was dealing with a jet setter earlier.
Eddy speaks out the side of his mouth to Mary
EDDY
I think its that Jettsetter he's made a 12p bid
MARY
Oh for fu...
KELLY
Mam you don't get it! Everyone I know thinks I'm selling my clothes for 12p! Have you got any idea how bad that is?
MARY
No one knows it's yours, he makes hundreds of them it could be anyone's
KELLY
Mam come here a minute please.
Kelly moves an aggrieved Eddy away from laptop.
EDDY
Do you mind I'm in the middle of trading here!
KELLY
Look mam there's our postcode at the bottom in the verified seller's info. Now see what happens if I cut the postcode there - and then paste it onto that like that- and then I ...
Mary is truly mortified
MARY
Oh my god that's our house! Eddy they've got a photo of our house!
Eddy tries to remain calm.
EDDY:
Calm down girl it's called Google Earth I've known about it for weeks!
MARY
There should be a law against taking pictures of people's houses without permission. Well I'll be on the phone to them first thing Monday morning when they open and I'll be getting onto the boss in person and have that photo taken down, you mark my words! They won't know what's hit them!
Kelly is only half listening to Mary as she taps stuff into her phone and finishes with a flourish.
KELLY
Yeah good luck with that mam...
And there' that's sorted as well!
MARY
What's sorted?
FX computer pings
EDDY
Ahh bloody hell Kelly what did you do that for?
MARY
What's she done?
EDDY
She's bid £800 for that stupid top!
MARY
What will that mean?
Mary and Eddy are almost shouting
EDDY
How the hell do I know?
MARY
Well you're supposed to be the big bloody Trader!
EDDY
Oh, I knew it would end up being my fault
JONO ENTERS
JONJO
Alright what's all the screaming about? You can hear it from the street!
KELLY
Me, dad tried to sell some pervert my top for 12 pence!
MARY
Oh my god I never even thought of that! Get all that stuff off there now right now. I warned you about getting involved with that internet! Now every crank in the borough is walking around with picture of our house and a bag full of my kid's clothes!
EDDY
Girl you should run courses on how to overreact you'd make a bomb!
JONO
You should be more worried about that bid once time runs out on a bid, they bill you for 20% anyway
Eddy is very worried.
EDDY
It's 25% on here!
MARY
Oh my god that's £200!
Eddy tries a bit of bluster.
EDDY
I'll just log off they won't find me!
Mary is openly terrified.
MARY
They've got a photo of the bloody house!
SFX Text ping
Kelly reads her message and then waves and leaves without a care in the world.
KELLY
Marias outside in a different limo and this one's dead clean, ta-ra see you tomorrow have lovely night
KELLY EXITS.
EDDY
She's not right in the head that girl.
JONJO
Listen mum, dad try not to worry too much I'll ask Click if he knows a way out of it, he's boss on things like this, I won't be long.
EDDY
Thanks for this lad, it's a chippy tea job, so if you can sort this out you and Click can have whatever you want on me.
JONJO
Alright dad I'll see you in a bit try not to worry
JONJO EXITS
EDDY
I wish our Kelly was as considerate as our Jonjo
SCENE: CLICKS HOUSE - NIGHT
Click and Jonjo are highly amused
CLICK
You're kidding!
JONJO
Honest lad he thinks he owes for bogus bids
CLICK
I'm not surprised he was still playing Snake on his Nokia 3310 till you give him that laptop
JONJO
If we do this right, we can scare him that much that when he thinks we've saved him. After that we can play him like a piano
CLICK
If you can get your tracky money out of him
we can get a cheeky bag in case Carla & Katinka invite us over to their 'Student flat' for a puff & partaay
JONJO
If he does, I'll one ring Cheesy Chris, he's normally dead quick.
CLICK
No chance lad, have you seen the size of his deals?
JONJO
They are a bit on the slim side
CLICK
Slim! Lad he's more worried about getting nicked by Trading Standards than he is by the plod
SCENE: KITCHEN EVENING
Mary and Eddy are sat at the table and are jumpy.
FX DOORBELL.
MARY
Oh my god who's that?
EDDY
For gods sake calm down girl it's hardly likely to be the internet people. I know they're on the ball, but I haven't even had a bill off them yet!
Eddy is livid at Marys panic mode so he pulls himself together and goes to the front door.
EDDY EXITS.
EDDY ENTERS.
GORDON ENTERS.
GORD
Mary love are you coming over for this eviction
or what? It starts in 25 minutes and I've just
put fresh dips and chips out...
Gordon can sense Mary is worried.
GORD
cont.
Mary what's up? You look like you've seen
a ghost!
Mary breaks down.
MARY
We owe the internet hundreds and there's a
pervert with a photo of our house who's after all our Kelly's clothes.
Gordon consoles Mary.
GORD
Come on love let's get you a wine while
we sort it all out, it can't be that bad.
SCENE: CLICKS HOUSE-NIGHT
CLICK
So, let's get it straight we say it happened to Joey Doyle's dad and they clamped his van because he owed them 18 quid
CLICK
Do you reckon saying 18 quid will work?
JONJO
I know me dad. He'll be thinking
if they'll do that for 18 quid what will they do for 200!
CLICK
then I say we managed to get a 'One off Super- Secret code off a hacker to box all the problems off
Jonjo and Click laugh.
SCENE: KITCHEN EVENING
Eddy is sat at the table and has the laptop back out and running. Mary and Gordon are sat opposite drinking wine.
EDDY
According to the FAQ's you can get rid of bogus bids. I just had to press a few buttons and sorted it in seconds?
GORD
I should imagine they're dead common
MARY
It's not like our Jonjo not to know something like that
EDDY:
Isn't it just? Now what was it our Kelly did?
Chop and glue?
GORD
Cut & paste.
Eddy is clearly suspicious and launches a one fingered search for the truth. As he uses the lap top Gordon and Mary chat.
MARY
Oh, Gordon I forgot to ask how you got on with
that Derek from the florists
GORD
We went for a coffee and he was nice enough. But he said he wasn't ready to see anyone yet as he's getting over a breakup with a Dutch lad that use to drop the tulips off
Eddy is working away and looks delighted with the results. He then turns the laptop around and shows Gordon and Mary what he's found.
EDDY
Here's who's been doing all the crap I've had
To deal with today and here's where they're currently hiding!
MARY
That's Clicks nans house!
GORD
How did you work that out!
EDDY
Us traders stick together, they showed me how to trace trolls and bogus bidders. Those little ... they've been playing me like a two bob banjo!
MARY
I can't believe our Jonjo would do this to me
he saw how upset I was!
EDDY
You're just collateral damage love. It was
me they were after and they nearly had me
MARY:
Well I'm ringing our Jonjo right now to give him and that Click a piece of...
EDDY
Leave it love. Why don't you and Gordon go and have a boss night watching people getting evicted off that show and leave those two to me?
MARY
No, you'll go too far as usual.
EDDY
All they'll be getting is what they planned on giving to us!
GORD
He's right Mary those two are always buzzing off someone, now this never came from me!
MARY
Go on?
GORD
I was sat behind them on the bus earlier, they never saw me, they were too busy talking about some girls they met and sniggering that's when they must have been doing those bids
MARY
Two things!
EDDY
Go head
MARY
One, don't tell them that I'm in Gordons or
they'll drag me into it as the referee. And
two nothing gets smashed and no one gets hurt!
EDDY
That's three but ok deal. Gordon did you by any chance hear these girls' names did you?
GORD
It just so happens.
SCENE: GARDEN PATH -NIGHT
JONJO
Now remember keep a dead straight face, it's not easy kidding me dad
CLICK
Don't be worrying about me lad! This is long overdue, remember when we were on holiday and he told those girls that he was our carer and I was an arsonist and you eat bits of metal if you're left on your own!
SCENE: LOUNGE - NIGHT
JONJO & CLICK ENTER.
As Jonjo and Click enter they have serious faces on, for his part Eddy is trying to act scared.
JONJO
Alright dad
EDDY
Hello lads did you find anything out.
Click smirks at Jonjo. They are convinced that Eddy has bitten.
CLICK
We did Mr Mac but I have to tell you its dead serious, they reckon Internet Law is worse than ours because its backed up by the FBI!
EDDY
The FBI!
JONO
Dad do you remember if you signed an E Contract with them
EDDY
Yeah but I only did it with my fingernail like I do with parcels at the door. I can just bite my nail off and say it wasn't me
.
CLICK
They'll still send the bailiffs
EDDY
Bailiffs!
JONJO
Yeah they clamped Joey Doyle's dad's van because he owed them 18 quid!
EDDY
Oh my god then what'll they do to me I owe hundreds
Jonjo and Click smirk at each other
JONJO
Look dad keep it to yourself but we had meet with kid on the estate who's a hacker and told us a way out of it
EDDY
Who do I have to kill?
CLICK
This is serious Mr Mac!
EDDY
Sorry I'm just nervous
CLICK
And so you should be, this lads a top hacker and he gave us a code to use, so you'll have to look away because I promised the lad it was a one off.
EDDY
I'd never....
CLICK:
This hacking lark is well serious stuff so the less you know the better.
As Eddy puts his hand over his eyes Click and Jonjo smirk at each other again.
EDDY
Just do what's needed to save me.
SCENE: GORDONS - NIGHT
Mary and Gordon are sat drinking wine and watching TV
MARY:
That was crap I wanted that snotty cow to go
GORD:
She's the only real celebrity on it they'd never evict her this early.
MARY:
He was just as big celeb as her !
GORD
Is he hell! She's been on Corrie! All he's been in
is an advert for piles and all he did in that was pull a wincing face!
MARY
No, I saw him getting strangled in that village one where there's always a murder
GORD
Which one there's loads? According to that lot you're in more danger on the lawn of thatched cottages than you are trying to buy crack in the Bronx at half three in the morning!
MARY
I wonder how Eddy's getting on with those two.
GORD
Oh they'll be ruing the day
SCENE: LOUNGE -NIGHT
Jonjo and Click are sat at the lap top acting warm and Eddy is acting being relieved.
CLICK
All Done Mr Mac! bid down, bill gone Feds none the wiser!
EDDY
Thanks' so much lads you've really come good for me!
CLICK
I don't want to ruin the moment but there was talk of a chippy tea.
EDDY
Yeah sorry about all this it's more like supper. If we order now, we won't get it till half- way through Match of the Day.
JONJO:
Everton will be on first or second as well dad we beat Spurs!
EDDY:
I know, I'll tell you what I'll go the chippy and and get us a few cans eh. Jonjo you order it now so it's ready when I get there. I'll have the spare- ribs and you two can order what you like
JONJO
Sound, oh and dad can you get me £20 out so I can err..
Eddy winks as he interjects like he's cool
EDDY
I know the dance lad, no problem, count it as the money for the tracky, that way you don't have to give it back
JONJO
Ta dad
EDDY
Get the plates and all that out I won't be long.
Eddy pauses in the doorway before leaving and feigns sincerity to Jonjo. And Jonjo feels guilty.
EDDY
Lad I have to say you've really done us proud your mother was crying and everything
JONJO
yeah well, it's all sorted now
EDDY EXITS
Click rubs his hands with glee and Jonjos conscience clears very quickly as he uses his phone.
CLICK
He was eating out of our hands like an Emu! Did
you like the FBI bit? When I threw that in, he went as white as a ghost.
JONO
That was brilliant that lad. I'm onto the chippy what's the order? Let's see it's spare- ribs for me dad? I'm having Kung Po chicken and what do you want?
CLICK:
I'll have the full special with a fried egg on top! And tell them not to turn the egg over I love it when the yoke runs all over me prawns!
SCENE: GORDONS FRONT DOOR- NIGHT
Eddy is stood at the door with a plastic bag and a smile on his face from ear to ear. As Gordon answers the door Mary hears Eddy and joins Gordon at the door.
GORD
Hello Eddy? What are you doing here come in!
EDDY
I can't I'm in the middle of something. Hello, love how was the eviction thingy?
MARY
Crap, what's in the bag
EDDY
Kung Po chicken and a Special with a fried egg on top
GORD
For us?
EDDY
Yeah and if you put the lights off and open the blinds to eat it. You'll see the best eviction ever.
GORD
I'll get the plates Mary you do the lights!
SCENE: LOUNGE- NIGHT.
EDDY ENTERS.
Eddy is carrying a plastic bag and six cans of beer. Jonjo and Click have put salt and vinegar and plates on the coffee table. Jonjo and Click happily follow Eddy's orders without suspicion.
EDDY
Jonjo this is just the chips get the meals off the back seat will you lad
JONJO
Will do dad.
JONJO EXITS
EDDY
Oh, and Click can you get the case of ale out the boot?
CLICK
No problemo I'm all over it!
CLICK EXITS
SCENE: GARDEN -NIGHT
Eddy is at the window smirking watching Jonjo and Click who are only in t shirts shivering as they have trouble with their tasks.
JONJO
The car door's locked?
CLICK
This boot's locked as well lad?
JONJO
I'll get me dads keys
Jonjo tries the front door but its locked as he rings the bell Eddy opens the lounge window.
EDDY
Everything alright lads?
JONJO
Dad the front doors locked
EDDY
I know I locked it, I thought I'd just get a few bids off you two before I let you back in.
JONJO
What?
EDDY
You know bids like 12p or you might just want to ask how heavy I am?
CLICK
mutters
He's on us.
CLICK
loud
We don't know what you mean Mr Mac.
JONJO
Dad pack it in its freezing!
EDDY
Why don't I open the bids? I reckon our Jonjo should pay for the chippy out of what I make selling his stuff on my site.
CLICK
That's fair?
EDDY
I'm glad you think so because your bids different son.
CLICK
Why what have I got to do?
EDDY
You have to sing Everton are Magic Liverpool are tragic all over the road 3 times!
CLICK
Yeah like that's happening!
EDDY
Suit yourself your foods getting cold and Match of the day is coming on in two minutes. Oh, and I need both bids or no bids!
Click & Jonjo discuss the situation much to Eddy's amusement.
CLICK
There's no way I'm banging that out lad I'd rather go to me nans and get warm, we can watch Match of the Day there.
JONJO
But what about our chippy meals?
CLICK
We'll just have to have beans on lad.
JONJO
Beans on! That's war food I want me Kung Po chicken. And you've got that special with the fried egg on.
CLICK
I'd rather eat beans than sing that muck lad!
Eddy can see the way it's going.
EDDY
Oh by the way I hate upping the ante. But you've just had a text off someone called Katinka and Carla? They want to know if you fancy going around to their flat for a glass of wine. Very mature I must say.
Jonjo and Click bite firmly
JONJO
Give me that phone dad right now!
EDDY
No chance, you have to bid.
CLICK
Mr Mac this isn't even funny we need to text them back! come on it was only a joke.
EDDY
Joke his mother was crying, so it's up to you two I'm not budging!
JONJO
Alright I'll pay for the chippy!
EDDY
And the ale?
JONJO
And the ale!
EDDY
Click any chance of a tune son? They did mention that they have their own flat, I don't know what you read into that?
CLICK
I'll do it once
EDDY:
Three times and dead loud no mumbling
Click starts singing low and half hearted.
CLICK
Everton are magic Liverpool are tragic
EDDY:
Are you trying to get me to delete this message or what? Now what about the la la Lar part? I like that the best
CLICK
Everton are magic Liverpool are tragic la la lar la la lar
Everton are magic Liverpool are tragic la la lar la la lar
Everton are magic Liverpool are tragic la la lar la la lar!
SCENE: GORDONS - NIGHT
Gordon and Mary are eating their chippy food watching events from the darkened house. Mary then almost spits out her food.
GORD
Your Eddy was right this is better way better
than what we were watching.
MARY
AaaarghY Gordon quick, put the big light on.
I'm sure there's egg yolk on these Prawns
GORD
Uggh don't say that Mary!
Gordon starts almost retching.
SCENE LOUNGE -NIGHT
Click is standing there freezing. Eddy is sat back on the couch with his food on a plate and a can of beer in his hand.
CLICK
Can I have MY phone please Mr Mac!
EDDY
It's on the mantelpiece. A deal's a deal and
you sung that well by the way.
Click almost grabs the phone and as he checks it his face drops.
CLICK
This is off you?
EDDY
Oh I must have pocket texted you.
CLICK
How? Where would get their names from?
EDDY
You're playing in the big leagues now son.
JONJO ENTERS
Jono enters from the kitchen carrying a chip wrapper and looking puzzled.
JONJO
Dad this is just a portion of chips
EDDY
That's right half each!
JONJO
Where's the Special and the Kung Po I
Ordered and paid for?
EDDY
Your Mum and Gordon are eating them! Now can we shut up Match of the day's coming on and my ribs are cooling and this lager's not going to drink itself.
JONJO
Did you at least get us a can
EDDY
I did not! You're, not 18 for 6 weeks!! I could get arrested! Have a glass of water with your chips it might help you remember not to mess with the big boys. Aye up here we go!
SFX Match of the day theme tune
The End
