Optician Sketch

Well I seem to be clogging up the boards these days, but here's another one.

Int. Opticians examining room - 11am.

James walks into the room. Mr Clink, a South African optician, beckons for James to take a seat in the examining chair. Mr Clink sits at his desk and starts looking over some notes.

Mr Clink: So then, James, just a normal eye test today is it.

James: Yes

Mr Clink: Right. How's the vision been since we last saw you?

James: Yeah, fine. Just fine.

Mr Clink: No visual disturbances?

James: Nope.

Mr Clink: No headaches?

James: No, no. Nothing like that.

Mr Clink: Excellent. Excellent. Now, I'm going to be performing a couple of tests today that you won't have seen before. A colleague of mine in Cape Town devised them and they've very, very insightful

James: Oh ok.

Mr Clink gets up and walks over to the side of James.

Mr Clink: Good. The first thing I'd like you to do, is cover your left eye with your left hand.

James covers his eye.

Mr Clink: Yes, that's great. Now, if you could just look ahead at the letter chart.

Mr Clink points at the chart and James looks ahead.

Mr Clink: Now...

Mr Clink flicks a switch and the lights in the room go out. Leaving the room in total darkness.

Mr Clink: Could you please read the top line for me, James.

James: Uh, well, hmmm (Sighs) No, I can't see anything at all

Mr Clink: Really? Nothing at all? Hmm, well, could you try putting your right hand over your right eye for me.

James: Ok, done.

Mr Clink: Can you see the top line now?

James: Nope. All I can see is my hands.

Mr Clink: Ah, maybe I didn't make myself clear. Could you remove your left hand from your left eye and then put your right hand over your right eye.

James: Ah right! I got yer! Ok, it's done.

Mr Clink: Good. Now, could you please read the top line.

James: I'm sorry, but I still can't see anything.

Mr Clink switches the light back on. He goes over to his desk and makes some notes.

Mr Clink: Hmmmm. That's a little troubling. Well, lets move on to the next test. It's a mobility vision test. It shows how well your eyes respond to movement. Just look ahead at the chart and read the first line please.

Mr Clink hits a switch on his desk and the letter chart starts rotating at high speed. James looks intently at the letter chart.

James: I'm sorry. It's all just a blur.

Mr Clink looks up at the spinning chart.

Mr Clink: All you can see is a blur? This is not good. Not good at all. Right, I have one more question to ask you.

James: Oh go ahead.

Mr Clink moves close to James.

Mr Clink: Well it's a rather personal question.

James: It sounds pretty serious, so ask away.

Mr Clink: Do you, James, frequently masturbate?

James looks around awkwardly.

James: Well, yes. I do. 3 times a day since my girlfriend left me.

Mr Clinks face brightens up.

Mr Clink: Oh really?

James: But, but I thought it was a myth about blindness and, well, y'know that.

Mr Clink: Oh it is, it is a myth. (Laughs) Sorry! I forgot to say that the eye tests over now. Y'see, the thing is, my wife is absolutely useless at bringing me off.

James: Oh...

Mr Clink: If I were to bring her in here, do you think you could demonstrate your technique upon me? Just give her a few pointers like - as you seem to know what you're doing

James: Absolutely not! That's a disgusting suggestion.

Mr Clink fishes a £50 note out of his pocket.

Mr Clink: I'll make it worth your while!

James: Nope. No! No way!

James starts looking at the £50 note and then sighs.

James: Oh go on then, but I want the eye test on the house as well.

I really liked this and chuckled through it. However, I thought that the punchline was weak. I hate saying bad things but I'm trying to be constructive on what I thought was a really funny sketch. I can't think of a better one, that said, and I'll think on. I hope that others don't agree with me since it is such a good sketch that I half want to be wrong - which isn't something that I usually say!!
Thank you for giving me a laugh.

That's a fair comment Marion. Don't worry about criticising peoples work, personally it just makes me more determined!

I wasn't 100% sure of the punchline myself when I wrote it, that's why its been sat in my 'maybe' pile of sketches ever since.

A few things...

Why South African?

Do you really need all that business at the beginning? Wouldn't you be better of running a few lines of eye test then get straight to the reversal? The whole lights out bit does nothing for the sketch.

Why go to all the trouble of giving the optitian a wife? Surely it would be funnier if he were soliciting the patient for a hand job directly.

I can probably drop the wife thing. I'd included the wife angle as I'd written another sketch the same day which ended in one man accepting a handjob. That sketch has been scrapped now, so I can probably drop the wife angle from this one and just have the optician asking for a handjob direct.

Why South African? I used to have a south african optician. It's just a small pointer of how I want the scene to be acted. I wasn't intending any humour to be solicited from his accent.

edit: Actually, I think I will keep the wife angle. It's more disturbing that way.

On the plus side, the build up in this sketch was quite nice, a little over written but nevertheless, it didn't really detract and the humour was quite tight. But on the negative side the payoff really wasn't worth the effort. It was unsatisfactory because it was a nothing ending and it just wasn’t funny.

However, I think the South African accent adds a wonderful touch if only because it is such an abrasive and clinical accent when it comes to word pronunciation. I love it, for instance, when words such as 'ice' end up sounding like 'arse' and for that reason I think more could have been made from it.

I did actually enjoy the concept of an optician sketch because that particular comedy setting is so underused and so is ripe for exploiting and I reckon, with a bit of thought, you could be just the writer to do it.

Agree it would sound better if you could hear the South African voice, but I thought it was pretty lame otherwise.