If there was a song I wish I had written it would be ' The Impossible Dream
If there was a character I wish I had created it would be Rigsby.
If there was film I wish I had written it would be Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
If there was a book I wish I had written it would be Ancestral Vices
and if there was a goal I wish I scored it would have been in any Derby you can name and preferably at the Kop End in front of all those poor saps that travel thousands of miles every Home game,
Any takers?
Scoring the winning try against the Allblacks.
I'd be a god in Pontypridd after that and we all know what that means.
And writing like Douglas Adams,composing like Beethoven and painting like Turner.
I bumped in to Julia Roberts in 1990 when she was in the UK researching the English accent for a charity slumber party. I called her a twat and she punched me in the face. I retorted by spitting in her direction and she backed down. If you ever get in a fight with Julia Roberts just remember saliva is a secret weapon.
Book - The Lamentations of Auberon J Megapixel, from Genesis to Revelation (1874)
Film - Pipe Plectrum Gets His Flares Up Some Old Lagging (1973)
Character - Beyoncé Bhosle in My Chapati Bootylicious : Revenge of the Phal (2006)
Goal - The one I would have scored on 7 April 1971 when the giraffe which was previously only rumoured to be on Hackney Marshes suddenly appeared at the goal post and took a fancy to my jumper. He moved it via zeppelin to a bakery just south of Limehouse. The result of my astonishing dribble and stunningly accurate shot from the byline was ruled out by a prototype of VAR. (Sometime between 1968 and 1979, it was in a month between February and November, and it was between the 4th of that month and the 28th : I remember it all so well, it could have been only yesterday)
Song - My Aardvark May Have Grommets Tonight But Brixton Still Belongs To Me (Sailors' Shanty, Traditional)
Here' have this sandwich Horse. Then no one can say you are short of one at the picnic.
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 14th November 2019, 11:36 AMHere' have this sandwich Horse. Then no one can say you are short of one at the picnic.
Thank you very much.
It's the mornings that are most difficult at present,
Luckily, once I have done all my indulgences, my inner rosary becomes more balanced.
(it's a bit weird cos I am not even a Catholic) 
It should have been me after Joe DiMaggio and Arthur Miller to give her one....................no fair. 
Herc that's worse than sloppy seconds! You need to lay off the porn mate, that's outf**kingrageous and here's me in the middle of cheese and pickle bap
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 14th November 2019, 12:28 PMHerc that's worse than sloppy seconds! You need to lay off the porn mate, that's outf**kingrageous and here's me in the middle of cheese and pickle bap
What does it look like if you hold in up sideways?
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 14th November 2019, 3:17 PMWhat does it look like if you hold in up sideways?
What does it look like if you hold in up sideways?
The n becomes a c and is at the top.
Below it the i turns into a dot followed by a dash.
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 14th November 2019, 12:28 PMHerc that's worse than sloppy seconds! You need to lay off the porn mate, that's outf**kingrageous and here's me in the middle of cheese and pickle bap
What part of you is in the middle of it?
The Gherkin
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 14th November 2019, 9:00 PMThe Gherkin
That's a new name for it.