Just had a knockabout with this idea. I suppose it would be satire, which I don't find all that great. Don't really know how to takle it in a proper comedy sense actually, I don't know how to takle much in a comedy sense. Clues on postcard, please!
CRIME PREVENTION.
THE HOME SECRETARY, PRIME MINISTER, MEMBERS OF THE CABINET AND CHIEF OF POLICE SIT TOGETHER. THE CHIEF OF POLICE IS WINDING UP HIS PRESENTATION.
CHIEF OF POLICE. Thank you, Prime Minister and. Home Secretary
For allowing us to call this meeting.
In summary, our prisons are overcrowded and the crime rate simply cannot go on rising in the way that it is. We need to address these issues, we need to address them at a fundamental level and we need to do it soon.
THERE IS A GENERAL RUMBLING APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. THE PRIME MINISTER STANDS.
PRIME MINISTER. (turns to Home Sec) And, as Home Secretary, what do you propose we do to address this very difficult issue?
HOME SEC. Thank you. It is obvious to all of us and to the general public that our laws are not addressing this vitally important area of crime.
We have employed an agency to go out onto the streets and ask the general public what their perception of crime in their area is and here are the results.
HE HANDS ROUND PAPER TO EVERYONE. As you will see drug related crime has taken 18% jump, this includes mugging, burglary and shoplifting. Criminals prove too fast for our, frankly, unfit officers on the street. And usually outrun them. My proposal is that we supply MacDonald vouchers to are local dealers, you know the sort of thing, buy one … say one ecstasy tab and get one burger free. That way they could be consuming up to six or seven burgers a day. Their cholesterol will rocket therefore keeping the local doctors and hospitals in work and they won’t be half as fast. That way we’ll catch them and bang them up which will keep our prisons, probation service, courts and the police in work without too much trouble. The general public will see us as vital to their lives and security and applaud us as indispensable.
THERE IS A GENERAL NOISE OF APPROVAL.
PRIME MINISTER. And what about drink related crime?
HOME SEC. A very real problem and this is where I would suggest we utilise all the confiscated cannabis. Let’s just imagine a scenario where we supply a selection of breweries with cannabis and they produce a beer, subsidised by the government, that just made everyone relax? The breweries would create employment and assist the economy, the drinkers would spend more money, enhancing the pub trade which has found itself in difficulty of late and the consumer would be too dopey to fight.
PRIME MINISTER. But wouldn’t this have a detrimental effect on the waiting times in A&E. They would be twiddling their thumbs on a Saturday night.
HOME SEC. Obviously, Prime Minister the final figures on this are yet to be approved by the industry but we are flexible on this issue and prepared to work with them on acheiving our goals.
And, finally, the general public seem to have an admiration for corporate crime and so I would suggest that we select those students in our schools that seem to have potential in that direction and train them up. Let’s keep these Robin Hoods out of our jails.
CHIEF OF POLICE. I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. This nothing short of a disgrace. Are you really suggesting that we …
HOME SECRETARY. I’m suggesting that unless we all, you included, don’t act carefully on this issue then we are all going to be out of work
CHIEF OF POLICE. I want to see an end to crime and for everyone to be able to walk the streets in complete safety.
GENERAL LAUGHTER.
HOME SEC. Can you imagine it, a utopia where crime didn’t exist? And, may I ask you what would be your sugestion for employment of everyone in the prison system and all it’s parts, the cleaners, the teachers, the prison officers, the fence makers, everyone in the construction industry approved for prisons and courts, the courts, the court cleaners, the judges, magistrates, barristers, solicitors, clerks, security, security equipment, hospitals, doctors… etc…..policemen. Where would the police force be without criminals?
CHIEF OF POLICE. So, how exactly, do we get our MacDonald vouchers, then?
