Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 8

Quote: Rood Eye @ 28th September 2019, 8:18 PM

That makes absolutely no sense - but it sounds funny!

That is very good and any comedy writer in the world would be justifiably proud of it. The fact that it wasn't picked is a damning indictment of NewsJack's occasionally abysmal taste in comedy!

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Maybe we've got a glimpse into the NJ shortlisting system. I'm imagining someone saying "Ok, we want the cat one from that guy." And someone else scanned my 'jokes', saw a cat one and put it in the good pile. Had they scanned further they would have landed on the comedy gold that the first person had actually read, remembered as being utterly brilliant and had mentally earmarked for the show.
Or something.

For now though, along side 'must not be funny', I will be adding 'should make no sense' to my NJ writing notes.

Quote: Danno @ 26th September 2019, 9:13 PM

I'll park these here for clamping...

Scientists have identified a molecule they think could be responsible for hypersexual behaviour. The breakthrough came after lab tests on love rats.

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Love rats is a solid joke, good effort!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 26th September 2019, 11:32 PM

My rejects (and one success) for this week:

Breaking News:
1. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell has announced plans to move to a four-day working week after misunderstanding what voters meant by wanting less Labour.

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Nice idea but it could really have used a beat before the punchline, the punchline kind of blurs into the setup

Quote: KevDP4L @ 26th September 2019, 11:32 PM

2. It has been revealed that Queen Elizabeth has a stamp-collection worth £100 million, or as she prefers to call it, her selfie-collection.

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They basically used this joke in a sketch so unlucky!

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 26th September 2019, 11:48 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, unless it decides to stay shut, which would be totally cool.

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Not bad but I would have gone for something more like - The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, though it will face stiff competition, from the Queen's Legs. Basically something with a bit more misdirection and sharper imagery always works better

Quote: Thosisd @ 27th September 2019, 6:24 PM

Here are this week's losers:

Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, before reciting the Terminator's iconic catchphrase, "I'll be back...after I'm switched off and on again."

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I quite like this idea but I think you're trying to fit too much into one joke. It could have been streamlined, something like - Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, although customers aren't too worried of Terminators as they only way they'll come back is if you turn him off and on again

Although something to do with the blue screen of death may have been a better angle.

And in case anyone is interested here were my efforts:

1. Russia could face a ban from all major sports events over "discrepancies" in a lab database, the World Anti-Doping Agency has warned. Agents said they found small discrepancies hidden inside bigger discrepancies, which were hidden inside even bigger discrepancies
2. Plans to build Britain's first spaceport on the north Highland coast are facing objections from locals despite it giving Hebrideans cheaper and easier access to space, than they have to the rest of Scotland
3. Six young horses caused chaos on the M23 near Gatwick airport and Crawley. Motorists were left stunned, mainly at how the six horses all managed to fit into the one car

1. Bad week for the inventor of the labradoodle as he feels he's made a Frankenstein. But a worse week for fans as, [YELLS] the labradoodle was the scientist not the monster
2. Bad week for Jeremy Clarkson whose farm is being terrorised by seagulls. But it's been a good week for Richard "the Hamster" Hammond after owls have finally stopped trying to eat him
3. Good week for fans of Garfield, the cat that achieved social media fame by hanging out at his local supermarket, as they paid tribute to him at a special cathedral service last Monday. But bad week for Garfield the cat who has just been given another reason to hate Mondays

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 29th September 2019, 11:50 PM

Love rats is a solid joke, good effort!

Nice idea but it could really have used a beat before the punchline, the punchline kind of blurs into the setup

They basically used this joke in a sketch so unlucky!

Not bad but I would have gone for something more like - The world's first Vagina Museum is set to open in London, though it will face stiff competition, from the Queen's Legs. Basically something with a bit more misdirection and sharper imagery always works better

I quite like this idea but I think you're trying to fit too much into one joke. It could have been streamlined, something like - Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, although customers aren't too worried of Terminators as they only way they'll come back is if you turn him off and on again

Although something to do with the blue screen of death may have been a better angle.

And in case anyone is interested here were my efforts:

1. Russia could face a ban from all major sports events over "discrepancies" in a lab database, the World Anti-Doping Agency has warned. Agents said they found small discrepancies hidden inside bigger discrepancies, which were hidden inside even bigger discrepancies
2. Plans to build Britain's first spaceport on the north Highland coast are facing objections from locals despite it giving Hebrideans cheaper and easier access to space, than they have to the rest of Scotland
3. Six young horses caused chaos on the M23 near Gatwick airport and Crawley. Motorists were left stunned, mainly at how the six horses all managed to fit into the one car

1. Bad week for the inventor of the labradoodle as he feels he's made a Frankenstein. But a worse week for fans as, [YELLS] the labradoodle was the scientist not the monster
2. Bad week for Jeremy Clarkson whose farm is being terrorised by seagulls. But it's been a good week for Richard "the Hamster" Hammond after owls have finally stopped trying to eat him
3. Good week for fans of Garfield, the cat that achieved social media fame by hanging out at his local supermarket, as they paid tribute to him at a special cathedral service last Monday. But bad week for Garfield the cat who has just been given another reason to hate Mondays

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Garfield one my favourite

Deathbymonkey, excuse me. Why (YELLS)? Apologies went over my head. Otherwise like Frankenstein idea there. Six horses one quirky.

Quote: BTF @ 30th September 2019, 12:34 AM

Garfield one my favourite

Deathbymonkey, excuse me. Why (YELLS)? Apologies went over my head. Otherwise like Frankenstein idea there. Six horses one quirky.

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It's the classic joke Frankenstein is the scientist not the monster and that's become a meme of Twitter of [ALL CAPS] X is the scientist no the monster

My rejects so far,
Week 1:

One liner - Love island, the hyper sexual game show with dog-eat-dog competitively returned to tv this summer. Or perhaps more accurately dog-dogs-dog competitivity, or maybe if she's really lucky dog-eat-dog-out competitivity.

Sketch.
The government has introduced anti knife crime information on the side of fried chicken boxes. Sketch, conception of the idea. Two characters: minister and aid, both could be either gender.

Aid: minister we need to confront rising knife crime in the capital by addressing the serious issues that cause it.

Minister: hhhhhm, sounds tricky.

Aid: if we don't confront these problems i fear we'll look like chickens sir.

Minister: hold on... my god you've done it! We'll use chicken! People who stab love chicken, we simply tell them to stop on the side of a bucket.

Aid: minister Im not sure there's a real correlation there, I mean I even eat fried chicken from time to time...

Minister: oh god please don't hurt me!

Aid: and I have never carried a knife, minister.

Minister: oh,sorry.

Aid: not to mention that it could be racially problematic...

Minister: good point, not fair on the chickens, i suppose maybe we could use beef or lamb or... do pheasants eat peasant?

Aid: Sir - what?

Minister: delicious, I'd stop stabbing for a leg of peasant

Aid:

Minister: I'd stop stabbing for a lovely roast peasant

Aid: I meant this could be seen as targeting a specific human race,

Minister: another great idea...!

Aid: oh Christ, sir I just don't think this idea has legs,

Minister: quite right, it's got legs, wings, thighs, wings and breasts!

Week 3 -
BN - Boris Johnson continues to play deal or no deal for the UK
despite the dispatch box being empty. (Or containing no money)

GWBW - Bad news for scientists who scientifically thermo fondled 11
French postmen to confirm the asymmetrical temperature of human
testicles. Good week for French postmen who finally got to have their
packages carried, first class.

Just starting so I would love to know what anyone thinks, could these have made it with a bit of tweeking?

Quote: Will HSLM @ 30th September 2019, 5:23 PM

My rejects so far,
Week 1:

One liner - Love island, the hyper sexual game show with dog-eat-dog competitively returned to tv this summer. Or perhaps more accurately dog-dogs-dog competitivity, or maybe if she's really lucky dog-eat-dog-out competitivity.

Sketch.
The government has introduced anti knife crime information on the side of fried chicken boxes. Sketch, conception of the idea. Two characters: minister and aid, both could be either gender.

Aid: minister we need to confront rising knife crime in the capital by addressing the serious issues that cause it.

Minister: hhhhhm, sounds tricky.

Aid: if we don't confront these problems i fear we'll look like chickens sir.

Minister: hold on... my god you've done it! We'll use chicken! People who stab love chicken, we simply tell them to stop on the side of a bucket.

Aid: minister Im not sure there's a real correlation there, I mean I even eat fried chicken from time to time...

Minister: oh god please don't hurt me!

Aid: and I have never carried a knife, minister.

Minister: oh,sorry.

Aid: not to mention that it could be racially problematic...

Minister: good point, not fair on the chickens, i suppose maybe we could use beef or lamb or... do pheasants eat peasant?

Aid: Sir - what?

Minister: delicious, I'd stop stabbing for a leg of peasant

Aid:

Minister: I'd stop stabbing for a lovely roast peasant

Aid: I meant this could be seen as targeting a specific human race,

Minister: another great idea...!

Aid: oh Christ, sir I just don't think this idea has legs,

Minister: quite right, it's got legs, wings, thighs, wings and breasts!

Week 3 -
BN - Boris Johnson continues to play deal or no deal for the UK
despite the dispatch box being empty. (Or containing no money)

GWBW - Bad news for scientists who scientifically thermo fondled 11
French postmen to confirm the asymmetrical temperature of human
testicles. Good week for French postmen who finally got to have their
packages carried, first class.

Just starting so I would love to know what anyone thinks, could these have made it with a bit of tweeking?

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Hope you don't mind but I thought the first joke could be a bit more structured. I didn't quite get the joke. Apologies. NJ Jokes can take different forms but often are in form of setup then punchline.
You could put a joke in an intro for kiri. Before the sketch.

Quote: Sheepstar @ 27th September 2019, 1:27 PM

Here are my rejects..

1. After hundreds of people descended on Area 51 as part of the 'Storm Area 51' internet prank, a man was arrested for indecent exposure. He was found to have an extra-terrestrial.

2. This week Sir Paul McCartney said the 2016 Brexit referendum was 'probably a mistake'. He went on to say it's been 'a long and winding road', but if we 'come together', 'with a little help from our friends', 'we can work it out'. But if we don't agree a deal we just have to 'let it be'....

3. There has been a huge rise in catalytic converter thefts from cars in London. A police spokesman said "we've apprehended a criminal in the ultra low emission zone, he was exhausted and will be spending some time in chokey"

And some good week / bad week rejects

WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for sooty after an original puppet sold for £3,000 at auction.
It's been a bad week for Brian Connelly who commented on the sale "IT'S A PUPPET!!"

2. It's been a bad week for Thomas Cook with the firm entering administration.
It's been a good week for Greta Thunberg as another planet killing corporation is forced to ground their planes.

3. It's been a good week for Google after one of their computers solved a problem in four minutes that would take a normal computer 10,000 years.
It's been a bad week for Brexit negotiators as the same Google computer, trying to resolve the issue of the Irish backstop, presented them with the EU blue screen of death.

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Just saw your post has slipped through through the feedback net! I think your BN 2 is fine. I guess they get loads of Beatles jokes like this though. I have sent similar myself (not as good though). GWBWs 2 and 3 seem well written to me and Newsjacky.

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 26th September 2019, 8:18 PM

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Doctors have warned smartphone-usage on the loo increases the risk of haemorrhoids, adding to Trump's piling problems.

2. Labour have announced plans for a four-day week. When pressed for further details this Friday, Labour's spokesperson was unavailable.

3. Thomas Cook's gone under following allegations of mismanagement, leaving hundreds of thousands stranded in offshore bank accounts.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Tom Watson, who saw off attempts to scrap his position. It's been a bad week for Labour, who saw off their nose to spite their face.

2. It's been a good week for the weirdo who bid £4,000 for Eva Braun's knickers. It's been a bad week for a competing bidder, who hoped they would match their alt-tights.

3. It's been a good week for the Northern Irish chippie owner who's started selling deep fried Jaffa cakes. It's been a bad week for the person has to handle the orange order.

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I love both your 3s. I can see them not quite fitting, though. Too clever!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 26th September 2019, 9:33 PM

That's very good, Danno!

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Ditto!

Quote: Exe Chris @ 26th September 2019, 10:49 PM

My weekly visit to this page. Was probably most hopeful for my bog standard pun attempt Breaking News number 2 but alas it was not to be...

2. It's been a bad week for schools as pupils stage another one-day climate change protest.
It's been a good week for pupils, since not only did they have an extra day off, it was on an unseasonably warm day.

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Yes, I like this one!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 26th September 2019, 11:32 PM

My rejects (and one success) for this week:

Breaking News:
1. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell has announced plans to move to a four-day working week after misunderstanding what voters meant by wanting less Labour.
2. It has been revealed that Queen Elizabeth has a stamp-collection worth £100 million, or as she prefers to call it, her selfie-collection.
3. After the announcement that their next game will be played behind closed doors, the Welsh football manager has asked Scotland for advice on how they cope with having no fans turn up to their matches.

Good Week/Bad Week
1. It's been a bad week for the makers of an anti-hangover drink after a German court made their product illegal by ruling that hangovers are a legitimate illness.
It's been a good week for the German public, who no longer need to come up with excuses to skip work during Oktoberfest.
2. It's been a good week for Batman fans, as the Bat signal was shone over cities across the world to mark the comics' 80th anniversary.
It's been a bad week for police, as they struggled to cope with all the members of Father's For Justice that the signals attracted.

It was my 2nd GWBW that made the show - I have to admit I was a bit surprised, because I thought some of my other ones were stronger, but either way I'm not complaining!

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Some good ones - and congratulations!

Did someone else get a stamp/selfie one on Newsjack, or am I thinking of The News Quiz??

Quote: Rood Eye @ 27th September 2019, 12:02 AM

That's very good - but I suspect it's just a little too clever/layered for NewsJack.

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Agreed!

Quote: BTF @ 27th September 2019, 8:04 AM

Embarrassing rejects here. Sharing as not fair to read everyone else's and not put mine up!
They are very obvious jokes that everyone will have sent loads of different versions of.

Good Week Bad Week

2. It's been a good week for a wildlife photographer on a Kenya nature reserve who discovered an extremely rare spotted zebra.
It's been a bad week for the leopard in the neighbouring reserve who's been refused parental contact.

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Well I really like this one, and it's not obvious at all, but then I think camouflage is the point.

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 27th September 2019, 11:15 AM

Breaking News:

3. It has been reported that British people spend three times as long making tea as doing daily exercise, the report suggests this is due to a confusion over kettle bells.

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I like this one.

Quote: Thosisd @ 27th September 2019, 6:24 PM

Here are this week's losers:

Microsoft boss warns that the rise of killer robots is unstoppable, before reciting the Terminator's iconic catchphrase, "I'll be back...after I'm switched off and on again."

Jamie Oliver's son has released his first cookery video. Viewers say that the young chef has inherited his Dad's charisma, kitchen skills and massive financial debt.

A new Alexa-style device will soon allow us to communicate with the dead. A spokesperson said, "it's a must-buy for people looking to hear from a recently deceased relative with the name David or James or Michael or maybe even...Steve?"

It's been a good week for the woman who found her missing dog, after quitting her job to search full-time for 57 days.

It's been a very good week for the dog, (PUPPY TALK) yes it has, yes it has been a good week!

It's been a bad week for Ancient Egypt after it was discovered that a single fart led to the death of 10,000 people.

It's been a good week for Donald, as he's no longer the worst Trump in history.

It's been a good week for the bereaved as a new Alexa-style device will soon allow them to communicate with deceased relatives.

But it's also been a bad week for them as it's hard enough to teach elderly relatives to use new technology whilst they're alive.

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I like your first BN, and the 2nd, though it's just mean! And your 2 last GWBWs.

Quote: TheTrashBat @ 28th September 2019, 1:13 PM

Haha, I don't mind at all.
I quite enjoy the challenge of writing for Newsjack, it's such a mysterious creature.

In other news, I have been wondering whether a few of us should spin together a Youtube channel (NewsWhack? Auntie's Rejects?) to air some of the better jokes from here...

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I've been putting mine on my podcast.

I'll spare you the transcript of my sketch - Skram's was better but you can hear it here, at the end. http://www.donna-scott.co.uk/the-lemonade-budget-for-champagne-social-butterflies

But you can see my full compliment of onliner rejects here:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Frenchwoman has discovered a painting kept over a hotplate in her kitchen is a Renaissance masterpiece worth €6 million. She was shocked to find out she was steaming rich.
2. Labour have announced plans to scrap private education. Rich parents have described the prospect as Harrowing.
3. The President of the Supreme Court, Lady Baroness Hale, announced the ruling that suspending parliament was unlawful while wearing a huge diamanté brooch of a camel spider. As soon as it went live on the web, Boris Johnson had the hump.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a bad week for Boris Johnson, accused of impropriety after it was revealed he helped secure trade missions and grants while he was the Mayor of London for his 'friend with benefits'. It has been a good week for his friend, Jennifer Acuri, as it looks like she got at least £127,000 of benefits.
2. It's been a bad week for Gucci after model Ayesha Tan-Jones staged a silent catwalk protest against their straitjacket designs. It's been a good week for fans of fashion protests, as in Ayesha Tan-Jones they've probably found their asylum.
3. It has been a good week for Google who have won a landmark case saying they do not have to apply the EU's 'right to be forgotten laws' elsewhere in the world. It has therefore been a bad week for Whotsisname who did that thing, you know?

Quote: Wishus @ 1st October 2019, 12:34 PM

I like this one.

I like your first BN, and the 2nd, though it's just mean! And your 2 last GWBWs.

I've been putting mine on my podcast.

I'll spare you the transcript of my sketch - Skram's was better but you can hear it here, at the end. http://www.donna-scott.co.uk/the-lemonade-budget-for-champagne-social-butterflies

But you can see my full compliment of onliner rejects here:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A Frenchwoman has discovered a painting kept over a hotplate in her kitchen is a Renaissance masterpiece worth €6 million. She was shocked to find out she was steaming rich.
2. Labour have announced plans to scrap private education. Rich parents have described the prospect as Harrowing.
3. The President of the Supreme Court, Lady Baroness Hale, announced the ruling that suspending parliament was unlawful while wearing a huge diamanté brooch of a camel spider. As soon as it went live on the web, Boris Johnson had the hump.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a bad week for Boris Johnson, accused of impropriety after it was revealed he helped secure trade missions and grants while he was the Mayor of London for his 'friend with benefits'. It has been a good week for his friend, Jennifer Acuri, as it looks like she got at least £127,000 of benefits.
2. It's been a bad week for Gucci after model Ayesha Tan-Jones staged a silent catwalk protest against their straitjacket designs. It's been a good week for fans of fashion protests, as in Ayesha Tan-Jones they've probably found their asylum.
3. It has been a good week for Google who have won a landmark case saying they do not have to apply the EU's 'right to be forgotten laws' elsewhere in the world. It has therefore been a bad week for Whotsisname who did that thing, you know?

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No 2 BN would work very well maybe possibly as 'Rich parents have described it as Harrow....ing'.

GWBW like it and clever.
Like GWBW 3 and think it may be Newsjacky.
New word for the dictionary. Newsjacky.

Quote: Will HSLM @ 30th September 2019, 5:23 PM

Just starting so I would love to know what anyone thinks, could these have made it with a bit of tweeking?

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The Love Island joke could, with a bit of tweaking, find its way into a comedian's stand-up routine.

However, I think it's a bit bold for NewsJack.

It's to BTF's great credit that she doesn't get it!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 1st October 2019, 2:45 PM

The Love Island joke could, with a bit of tweaking, find its way into a comedian's stand-up routine.

However, I think it's a bit bold for NewsJack.

It's to BTF's great credit that she doesn't get it!

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I am an innocent Rood Eye. I got lost after the second dog bit.

My rejects for this week:
BREAKING NEWS
1. The Canal and River Trust has been accused of conspiracy after it heavily censored reports on the partially collapsed Whaley Bridge dam. Though a spokesperson disputed these claims saying this isn't a cover-up, it's just a temporary repair

2. US opera singer Jessye Norman has died at the age of 74. Her funeral is expected to go on... forever as 'it ain't over till fat lady sings'

3. Sports company Asics has apologised after hackers played pornography on screens outside its flagship New Zealand store for several hours. A spokesperson for the company said they've learned a lot from the incident including the importance of good digital security, and how to do a proper squat thrust.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. Bad week for Lorraine Kelly after Piers Morgan surprised her with a nude photograph of herself during her 35th anniversary broadcast of Good Morning Britain. But a good week for fans of the show as Piers
Morgan thankfully kept all his clothes on

2. It's been a good week for a fun-loving teenager who lost his car after parking it near a festival and forgetting where he had left it. But it's been a bad week for fans of the movie Dude, Where's My Car? as it's taken eighteen years for them to get a sequel

3. It's been a good week for meat lovers as a new study claims there is no evidence that cutting out red meat limits the risk of cancer, heart disease and diabetes. But it's been a bad week for my pet potbelly pig Michael as he's mysteriously been turned into bacon and somehow got into all my sandwiches

Emails appear to be out, so here are this week's rejects!

A celebrity chef has been arrested after allegedly infusing his recipes with cannabis. He was found in possession of two large marijuana plants, 1kg of Indian hemp, a multipack of Prawn Cocktail Skips, an entire Battenburg and a bag of Tangfastics.

Victor Meldrew's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" has been voted the UK's favourite in a poll. Surprised by the result, the sitcom's star, Richard Wilson reacted by saying, (DEL BOY VOICE) "Lovely Jubbly!"

An escaped prisoner was found hiding in a cave in China after 17 years on the run. Police say they would have found him sooner, but thought the tip off was just Chinese whispers.

It's been a good week for Disney fans after it was revealed that the Frozen 2 soundtrack will feature seven new songs.

It's been a bad week for parents as they know they'll still only be hearing one song...on repeat...forever. Let it go. PLEASE! LET IT GO!

It's been a bad week for McDonald's staff after they were attacked by a man dressed as a shark.

It's been a worse week for Baby Shark, who didn't get his Happy Meal do-do-do-do-do.

It's been a bad week for politics as Theresa May says she won't release a tell-all memoir.

It's been a good week for Theresa as no book deal is better than a bad book deal.

still trying. just.

Tory health secretary Matt Hancock is said to be considering compulsory vaccination of schoolchildren. He wants youngsters to be immune from all four of the big illnesses; measles, mumps, rubella and socialism.

It's been revealed that some of us are more predisposed to the placebo effect than others; alarming news for anyone who's left their doctor's surgery with a bag of skittles and a severe case of rainbow fever.

A Chinese fugitive, on the run for 17 years, has been found living in a cave. He hopes to persuade a judge and jury that he's finally seen the light.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An Italian chef has been arrested after police found cannabis at his home, "I'm being persecuted for my religious beliefs" protested the devout Pastafarian.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for fans of Spitting Image as the show's return was announced.
It's been a bad week for whoever's job it is to clean up Prince Andrew's puppet.

Notes:
New tactic, I put the subject line as 'Newsjack One-liner Submissions (Gold Edition)'. Knew I should've gone platinum.

BN: Awful and obvious pun that makes me want to self-harm in embarrassment, which is why I thought it was worth a shot.

GWBW:
An objectively perfect joke, so I knew it had no chance.