Camel Toad
Written by
Hoskinator
SCENE 1. int – kitchen [16:30]
joe is an overbearing, know it all. he is stuffing his face with a bacon sandwich and crisps whilst drinking lager.
joe:
Oh mummy, mmm lordy, I love you bacon, oh don’t worry crisps I love you too
Joe hears the front door
joe:
Oh shit, oh shit oh shit oh shit
he picks the frying pan up and then drops it because it’s hot
joe:
Oh f**k f**k f**k f**kity f**k
ruth:
COOOOEEEEEEE I’m home
joe opens the window and throws the frying pan out of the window, he is desperatly looking for somewhere to hide the food
joe:
Mhghggh (inaudible mumble)
ruth:
Are you okay dear are you in the kitchen
joe:
It’s okay, I’m okay, you don’t have to come in
joe stuffs the bacon sandwich, crips and lager into the pockets of a coat hanging, he grabs a stick of celery from the kitchen table just as the door opens. Ruth is a woman mid forties, brown hair, smallish
ruth:
Hi love, how’s your day been, how’s the diet?
joe:
Oh very good thank you, I just thought I would have a little celery snack to keep me going, although I do have a little confession to make
ruth:
Oh I had a twix on the bus home, I just couldn’t make it, I was feeling weak, I thought I was in danger of fainting. What’s your confession?
joe:
I had two apples instead of one with my lunch
ruth:
I don’t know how you do it, all these dieting makes me sooo hungry. Half way through the day I’m starving and totally fed up with rabbit food
joe:
Ruth, you have to be focused like a laser beam, it disappoints me the lack of effort you are putting in, why don’t you just give up
ruth:
No, no, you are right, I should try harder
joe:
Do you think I like celery, no, I would much rather be having a nice greasy bacon sandwich and a beer but no, I choose to eat a stick of celery
ruth:
Oh don’t you are making me feel bad, there you are trying really hard and being good whilst I am stuffing my fat face with chocolate, I only ate it 20 minutes ago I could sick it up
joe:
It’s too late now but just try harder you need to listen to the skinny person inside of you, I can hear her, let me out, let me out, so I can be the skinny sexy woman Joe met
ruth:
You are right darling but its just I seem to put on weight when I go on a diet, I mean even now its affecting me, I am imagining I can smell bacon
joe:
Bacon, I can’t smell bacon. Have some celery, it uses more calories eating it than it contains.
ruth:
Joe I have some thing serious to talk to you about, It’s about David I think he might be taking drugs
joe:
What, NO SON OF MINE IS TAKING DRUGS, where is he? out mugging old ladies to feed his habit no doubt. Wait a minute, why exactly do you think he is on drugs? is this linked to your dieting?
ruth:
No I heard him on his mobile talking to his friend oinky
joe:
What kind of a name is oinky, he sounds like a druggy, he’s probably his dealer, what were they talking about?
ruth:
He said they were going to meet up and hunt for some camel toads
joe:
Camel toads, what’s a camel toad?
ruth:
Camel toads must be slang for drugs, so I looked it up on the internet and I found out a tribe in the Amazon lick toads because it makes them hallucinate
joe:
You think our son is licking toads? What else? sniffing frogs, injecting eels, popping tadpoles?
ruth:
I dunno perhaps they are smoking them
joe:
You can’t smoke toads you stupid woman, it’s your fault because he thinks if you can smoke cancer sticks its okay to smoke toads
ruth:
I’ve told you I have given up, after you explained how bad they are for the family
joe:
Perhaps Camel toads is the name of a drug
ruth:
Right I’m going to check his coat
ruth moves towards the coats
joe:
No we don’t want to alert him
ruth:
Oh my god, look at this, bacon sandwich, crisps and a can of lager, I think I know what this means
joe:
It’s not what it seems, I couldn’t help it
ruth:
I am so disappointed, I should have realised
joe:
I’m sorry, I’m pathetic, I’m a weak minded fool
ruth:
It’s not your fault, how could you have known but this just means are worst fears are true
joe:
What?
ruth:
Well look at this lot, this is what pot heads do after skunking up, they get the munchies, wait a minute this bacon sandwich still feels a bit warm
joe:
Quick check the other jackets
ruth
No we have all the evidence we need
joe checks another of David’s jackets
joe:
Oh no, he has started smoking as well
ruth:
Oh my goodness, where did he get those from?
they hear the front door opening
ruth:
Right, just play it cool Joe, if we are sympathetic and welcoming he will probably tell us himself
joe:
Okay good plan, calm, sympathetic, welcoming
the door to the kitchen opens and in walks david
ruth:
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DOING TAKING DRUGS YOU STUPID BOY, IS IT ME? AM I A BAD MOTHER?
david:
What’s wrong with Mum? is it the menopause, are you having a hot flush mum, don’t worry Mum I have read about it at school
joe:
Don’t talk to your Mother like that, now is there anything you would like to tell us
david:
No, well I made it onto the football team
joe:
Really, way to go, stop changing the subject, now you better start talking about the camel toads
david:
What’s a camel toad, have you got me a pet, cool
joe:
Don’t play dumb with me
david:
I’m not the one playing dumb here
joe:
Don’t get smart with me boy. Your poor mother heard you talking to Oinky about how you were going to go hunting for Camel Toads, now tell us what it is, are you licking toads?
david:
HAHAHAHAHAAHAA, I’m not telling you two
ruth:
Oh David please we won’t be angry
david:
Oh for God’s sake, its women’s fannies and it’s a Camels Toe you idiots
joe:
Stand back he’s clearly on drugs right now
joe shakes him by the shoulder
david:
Ahhh stop it, look I’ll explain to you alone Dad
joe and david walk into another room and shut the door behind
joe:
Right start talking
david:
Mum heard me saying to Oinky we were going to hunt for some Camel Toes, a Camel Toe is when a woman has tight knickers and there is one girl Tracy Arnold who has this massive Camels Toe, it’s the size of a cheese burger, I call them Camel Toes because it looks like a Camels Toe not that I have seen a Camel’s Toe but Oinky calls them mumblers because you can see the lips moving but you can’t hear what they are saying. You should check out Tracy’s Camel’s Toe next time you pick me up from the pool
joe:
I’m not doing that people would call me a nonce, a pervert for looking at under age girls crotches
david:
Oh so that’s what a nonce is, didn’t people use to call uncle Charlie a nonce and that’s why he left?
joe:
That was just a mistake, people didn’t realise he had a lazy eye, he wasn’t looking at that girl.
david:
Is that why he had to leave and go back up north?
joe:
No it’s because he had a job offer. In my day atomic wedgies were all the rage.
david:
That’s probably why you didn’t have many girlfriends when you were young? Dad, I do have a problem you can help me with
joe:
Oh I know, you can’t stop looking and thinking about woman’s crotches and it drives you mad knowing that they are just under a skirt and you can hardly control yourself
david:
No Dad, I’m being bullied at school
joe:
No son of mine will be bullied at school, have you told your Mother about this
david:
I said Mother I’m being bullied at school but she was watching her soap so she just said “that’s lovely dear”
joe:
Right we are going to put a stop to this
david:
Are you going to complain to the head teacher?
joe:
Don’t be stupid that would just make him bully you more. You need to show this bully that you are mentally tougher than him, just like Vlad the Impaler, Vlad would go into a village and if the chief didn’t surrender, Vlad would kill every member of the village, and if they did surrender he would leave them alive
david:
Are you saying I should kill his whole village?
joe:
No, you just have to make him think you would
david:
He doesn’t even live in village; he lives 3 streets down the road
joe:
You are missing the point, the point is, you are going to challenge him for a fight
david:
What! I thought you were meant to be helping me; he is going to kick the crap out of me
joe:
No you don’t fight him, you just make him think you will, bullies never actually fight everyone knows they’re wimps. Why does he want to fight you anyway, have you done anything to anger him?
david:
I haven’t done anything, bullies don’t need reasons
joe:
Right lets go, MOTHER WE ARE GOING OUT NOT TO FIGHT A BULLY
ruth:
Where are you going, WHAT’S A CAMEL TOAD? What bully? Is he the toad dealer?
SCENE 2. ext – outside a house
joe and david are outside the bullies house
joe:
Okay do you understand the plan?
david:
No, this is a suicide mission
joe:
Come on think strong, the bully is going to be terrified, can you imagine if someone came round to your house wanting a fight, terrifying
david:
No, look can we just go home, I think he saw me from the window, he’s learnt his lesson
joe:
Just remember don’t fight him what ever you do, don’t stoop to his level. Let me do the talking
joe knocks agressivily on the door, Jimmy opens the door. Jimmy is a small skinny boy
jimmy:
Hello can I help you? Do you want my Dad
joe picks him up and pushes him agaisn’t the wall by his collar
joe:
Okay you little pipsqueak you think you’re tough, bullying my son, well why don’t you bully me, I’m going to break your twiggy little legs off
david:
Jesus calm down Dad, what about that stuff about being mentally strong and not fighting, sorry Jimmy
jimmy’s dad comes out to see what all the noise is about. Jimmy’s dad is 6 foot 2, big build
Jimmy’s dad:
Whoa whoa what the hell is going on here?
joe:
This little punk has been bullying my son
Jimmy’s dad:
Just the son down, everything is going to be alright, Jimmy have you been bullying his son
jimmy:
No, I punched him up because he kept calling my girlfriend Camel Toe and she cried because she didn’t know what it was but didn’t think it was good
jimmy’s dad:
Why were you calling his girlfriend Camel’s Toe?
joe:
Wait a minute is your girlfriend Tracy Arnold
jimmy:
Yeah
jimmy’s dad:
What’s a Camel’s Toe
joe:
A Camel’s Toe is a when a woman’s crotch has a striking similarity to the toe of a camel
jimmy’s dad:
So why was he calling his girlfriend Camel Toe
joe:
Oh it’s because his girlfriend Tracy Arnold has a massive Camel’s Toe, which all the boys go to look at every Saturday when she goes swimming, it’s like she has cheeseburger down her swimsuit
jimmy: (to dave)
Oh that’s why you call her Camel Toe, that’s quite funny
jimmy’s dad:
You have been staring at young girls crotches you pervert
joe:
No, it’s my son who’s the pervert, he has been looking at your sons girlfriends crotch which looks like a camels toe, I haven’t even seen it yet so I have no idea if it does look like a Camel’s Toe
david: (to jimmy)
Sorry Jimmy for calling your girlfriend Camel Toe, it seemed funny at the time but it doesn’t now
jimmy’s dad:
You are a nonce pervert just like your uncle; it must run in the family, the nonce family
jimmy: (to david)
It’s okay I’m sorry for fighting with you, Tracy dumped me and is now going out with an older boy
joe: (to jimmys dad)
Shut your filthy mouth, he had a lazy eye, he wasn’t looking at that young girl, I’m not having this
the two dads start fighting
david: (to jimmy)
Hey do you want to hang out
joe: (to jimmy’s dad)
I will teach you to slag off my family
jimmy’s dad: (to joe)
Are you looking at me or have you got a pervy lazy eye as well?
jimmy: (to david)
Hey that would be cool. Will you two just grow up?
david:
Yeah you are acting like a couple of kids. Adults today are so immature
SCENE 3. int – in the kitchen
joe is nursing a black eye, ruth is fussing over him and david is in the room
ruth:
Oh my god what happened to you, have you been smoking the camel toads
david:
Mum it’s CAMELS TOE and you don’t smoke them you look at them, you are so sad mum
ruth:
What is a bloody Camel Toe?
joe:
Its when a women’s private parts stick out and look similar to a Camel’s Toe
david gets his coat down from the hook
david:
Hey who put these can of lager and crisps in my jacket, Dad I told you to stop doing that, I’m going to have to wear my other coat now
ruth:
Where are you going?
david:
I’m off to go and hang out with Jimmy
joe:
You traitor, just make sure you stay away from his dad he’s bloody mental
gets a different coat down
david:
Hey who put cigarettes in my coat, Mum I told you to stop doing that, right see ya I’m off
david leaves
ruth:
Oh god I need a fag after all this worrying.
joe:
I thought you had given up?
ruth:
I thought you were on a diet? I can’t give up food and cigs, if I give up cigs I want to stuff my face and if I give up food I want to smoke
joe:
Hey how about I take you upstairs and you show me your Camel’s Toe and then you can work up an appetite for a cig, you always said they tasted better after a bit of rumpy pumpy
