Heres another old one that I like so I hope others do as well
Bernard
I'm gay mother and I'm moving to London
Mother
Oh here we go again for god's sake Bernard you're not gay, you've got nine bloody kids on this estate alone.
Bernard
Ok then why do I like the Cello eh?
Mother
You get that from thy father
Bernard
He was gay that's why he left us!
Mother
Was he eck as like, thy father wasn't gay, times were different then, his love of the cello it didn't sit right with people round here. They were going to press gang him into the local brass band, so he had to run away.
Bernard
So what do I do then mother? Now it's my turn and everyone's waiting for me to sign up to the colliery band.
Mother
Colliery band I'm sick of those bastards, we've had no coal dug for near thirty year and they still hold sway over everything that goes on!
Bernard
So what do I tell them when they rack up outside t'house?
Mother
Nowt, tell them nowt!
Bernard
What and have them play outside for days on end till we give in? I couldn't bare it mother. If it were Bach or Beethoven , but the bloody 'Floral Dance' and 'Abide with Me' on the tuba!
Mother
So you're going to run like he did
Bernard
Yes! And I don't care if I have to sleep on a bench and eat from the bins in order to do it!
Mother
There'll be no need for that... I have stuff put by
Bernard
Mother I can't take your pennies
Mother
It's not pennies, your old enough now to know
Bernard
Know what
Mother
Thy father was a massive success; on the cello he played for the crowned heads of he world you've a sizeable property portfolio in Chelsea two Swiss chalets and a string of villas along the French Rivera. I just didn't want to turn your head.
Bernard
How long have you known that?
Mother
Since I first put thee in primary school.
Bernard
You mean to tell me I've been like bloody Kes for nowt, when I could have been all over t'bloody world!
Mother
I wanted to make thee a Yorkshireman before I made thee a millionaire! And I had high hopes till you started taking liberties with every hussy from here to Cleckheaton! How was I to know I was hand rearing a Barmpot
Bernard
Oh my god you're insane
Mother
Happen I am, happen I'm not, here's the paperwork and account details, t' moneys yours!
Bernard
Mother this stuff runs into millions! We can both leave, there's nothing stopping us, by god we could be eating breakfast on the sodding Rivera!
Mother
I've no intention of leaving Yorkshire it's nearly winter and I've gooseberries to pickle and a Goose that needs rendering into fat for the Christmas spuds..
Bernard
But mother the Colliery band will have thee persecuted if thy stays alone.
Mother
I have another confession to make son, one I couldn't make even to thy father.
Bernard
What?
Mother
I love brass bands always have done.
Bernard
Oh my god
Mother
Even when thy father practiced cello in secret for hours on end in the loft and I would climb up and give him dripping butties while he made music that sounded like wasps stuck in a bloody pickle jar, all I really wanted was to hear was proper music, stuff that sounds like bloody elephants!
Bernard
Mother I'll put enough brass in thy post office account for thee to toast thy self in front of fire all winter and thy larder will be fit to bust, but I'm going mother I going to places where brass bands don't hold sway and cello's aren't thrown on bonfires!
Mother
Happen it's best, I'll miss thee son
Bernard
Breaks down
I wish it could have been different, I wish I could play the trombone like a hooligan, but I can't mother I can't
Mother
Thy knows son thy knows. Now come on and dry thy eyes thy's best leaving before the Colliery band racks up t'outside. I'll take you t'station in my coal wagon and you can hide thy cello underneath the nutty slack.
Bernard
Thank you mother thank you so much
