Here's an old one I love
Mike
Scottish Accent
Tonight on 'Mike In the Midlands' we are in the northern Chinese city of Ungazy which is the home to one of the most obscure colleges in the world. Every day including weekends, over two thousand eager students attend this college in the hope of acquiring a Birmingham accent.To find out more I have come to the college to speak to its principal about its truly amazing students.
Mike:
Waza Le'pung you're not only the principal of this school, you're also its founder.
Wazzer
Thick Birmingham Accent
Call me Wazzer Mike, everyone else does.
Mike
Waza. Wazzer, as I said you're not just the principal of this school, you're also its founder.
Wazzer
I certainly am, I set this little lot up 1978.
Mike
Little is known about your college and yet many presume it was initially set up as a sabotage school.
Wazzer
That's the type of guff that gets my goat it really does. Only two out of tens of thousands of my students have ever been in trouble! And I bet there's not many round your way that could say that could they eh?
Mike
That's an amazing statistic
Wazzer
You're telling me! No Mike this college has never and will never be anything other than a safe environment to learn Brum in!
Mike
What made you decide to open the college in the first place?
Wazzer
I had to! People were coming up to me in the street and begging me to open one. I literally couldn't move, everywhere I went it was 'Wazzer teach us brum our kid'
Mike
That's amazing, but why the interest? Had you been to Birmingham on an exchange or something?
Wazzer
Mike I'll hold me hands up, I've never seen so much as the skies over Sparkbrook!
Mike
Then how and why did this whole Birmingham accent thing come about?
Wazzer
What happened like was one of kids in our school dads worked for the Ministry of Information. Every week he would send the kid all the news reels they had been showing in Beijing.
Mike
News reels?
Wazzer
We were able to watch all sorts of great stuff like the car strikes, the bus strikes and all the kicks offs with the Villa and that like. We even had a three hour film on the construction of Spaghetti Junction. So once the kid let his dad know we loved the films and that we were all learning English from it, well it really took off. His dad got permission to send us all sorts of gear we even had two reels of Jasper Carrot, a Slade LP and an ELO Poster. Then when this lot round here saw that one of the Shop Stewards at British Leylands was called Wazzer, I became a bit of a local celebrity.
Mike
Do you think that there was an underlying reason for the central committee of the party allowing you such access to material from the West.. Midlands?
Wazzer
Deffo! They took our two best speakers away after the first year. The idea was to teach them to infiltrate ordinary English life.
Mike
Did it work
Wazzer
No the plan fell on its arse if I was being honest Mike
Mike
In what way?
Wazzer
The first two they sent over only got as far as changing planes in Munich when they ran into a load of Villa fans coming back from playing in the Uefa cup. We'll what can you say? Their hands were tied like, so they got stuck in and ended up in a German jail.
Mike
Yet despite that setback the authorities let you continue
Wazzer
I don't think they had much choice to be honest Mike? By that time the Falun Gong was kicking off and they thought it was better us sticking to learning Brum than joining a cult like.
Mike
Wazzer now that China is more open will you be actually visiting Birmingham?
Wazzer
That's everyone round our ways dream that is. What a bacon butty for breakfast in the Bullring! Early kick off derby at St Andrews and then a few pints in town and a dance in the Lacarno.
Mike
So I take you will be visiting it then?
Wazzer
I have hopes Mike I have hopes, but the college makes no money as the students are mainly farm workers. Having said that, there is a slim chance I could win the contest
Mike
Contest?
Wazzer
Yeah we've been saving up for years, so whoever wins gets the golden ticket to Brum!
Mike
This contest is it a test of strength or wits?
Wazzer
No nothing like that. We're having a talent contest, we've got five dead ringers for Noddy Holder, two Ozzy Osbourne's, six Nigel Kennedy's, four Roy Woods and we've even got two Enoch Powell's so it's a tough field.
Mike
And who will you be impersonating on the big night? Neville Chamberlain? Many say he was the cities greatest son
Wazzer
I'm more your modern Brum Mike so I'll take a risk and do Stan Collymore, its shit or bust it is!
Mike
There you have it! Despite a backdrop of yaks and Paddy fields this is a place that prides its self on being forever a 'Little piece of Birmingham.'
Passing Student
Shit on the Villa
Mike
I'm Mike Gordon and thank you for listening to 'Mike in the Midlands'
