I very rarely look at my old stuff but I thought of this one and it still tickles me so I saw that as a decent sign.
Scene: Doctor's surgery Two characters either side of a desk in a doctor patient scenario.
DOCTOR:
Sombre
We had your results through Mr Kennedy. I don't need to tell you that these extensive tests you've undertaken were designed to discover the root cause of your exhaustion
PATIENT:
Have you been able to work it out doctor? I am at my wits end. This morning I couldn't even brush my teeth I was that tired and I'd only just got out of bed!
Breaks down
I could lose my job, then what? I'll be destitute
DOCTOR:
It's not all bad news Mr Kennedy on the upside all the medical tests we have conducted show that you're in remarkably good shape considering your lack of sleep
PATIENT:
How can that be? I'm having nose bleeds and I'm flying off the handle at people over the smallest thing
DOCTOR:
We expected that might happen
PATIENT:
So, you know what's wrong with me?
DOCTOR:
The psychiatric side of the investigation appears to have borne some fruit
PATIENT:
Are you saying this is a mental thing?
DOCTOR:
No not at all. Your tiredness is quite understandable as is the irritability and the nose bleeds
PATIENT:
Well if it's not mental or physical what the hell is it?
DOCTOR:
Apparently when you underwent that course of hypnotism the hypnotherapist was able to discern that you have developed a second and quite unique personality
PATIENT:
You're telling me I've got two personalities?
DOCTOR:
Yes and it's quite amazing really. What we have been able to gather so far is that his name is "Tony" and I would have to say he is an extremely outgoing and funny type of person
PATIENT:
I'm sure he's f**king hilarious, so what do we do? kill him off?
DOCTOR:
If only it was that easy
PATIENT:
Please doctor you have to help me now, I haven't slept in four weeks
DOCTOR:
We can at least attempt to resolve that side of it fairly quickly
PATIENT:
How? What do we do?
DOCTOR:
It would entail you being hypnotised again?
PATIENT:
That's no problem at all doctor!
DOCTOR:
Excellent, now from what we can gather, "Tony" has got a job working nights as a Taxi Driver, which would of course explain your exhaustion. We think you have been waking up at the exact time that ?Tony" goes to sleep. So, we need to ask him again if he will at least stop doing his night job until we have a chance to resolve the problems you both have
PATIENT:
What do you mean ask him again?
DOCTOR:
To be honest we have asked him twice already and it's becoming increasingly clear that he is not keeping his word
PATIENT:
Not keeping his word!
DOCTOR:
When we spoke to him last, he promised he would try to cut his hours back. However that was over the Bank Holiday and as he explained it was "Clock and a half" so we weren't too hopeful.
PATIENT:
Clock and a half are you f**king joking? I'm near suicidal and he's driving around on clock and a half
DOCTOR:
Official voice
Mr Kennedy as it stands I'm afraid that outside of asking him politely to comply, there is little I could do, he has rights
PATIENT:
(Outraged)
He's a figment of my imagination how the hell can he have rights?
DOCTOR:
I'm sorry but I can't go into it with you Mr Kennedy. I'm afraid you would have to take that up with Tony's solicitor
PATIENT:
So what you're telling me is that he's got a solicitor?
DOCTOR:
Yes and if you don't mind me saying so Mr Kennedy if I was in your position I would consider getting a solicitor myself
PATIENT:
Why would I need a solicitor?
DOCTOR:
I'm sorry Mr Kennedy but I'm afraid that Tony is also my patient by default as it were. As such Patient Confidentiality is involved so there's a limit to what I can tell you. But I can tell you that Tony is appealing to the courts to have you erased
PATIENT:
Patient f**king confidentiality? You're telling me that a figment of my imagination has jumped up, got a job on the taxis, then employed a solicitor to appear before the courts to have me legally murdered and you not supposed to tell me?
DOCTOR:
My hands are tied Mr Kennedy. What I can tell you is that we have all gone to great lengths on your behalf and have taken the trouble to speak to "Tony" on a social level in a bid to get him to slow down his lifestyle until we can resolve the matter amicably as well as medically
PATIENT:
(Hopeful)
Do you think he will?
DOCTOR:
He said he would, but I have my doubts, especially after he got through to the final in the Karaoke contest at the pub over the road from the hospital
PATIENT:
Utter disbelief
He's singing f**king karaoke?
DOCTOR:
He certainly is and I wouldn't be surprised if he won it! My wife said at one point she closed her eyes and she would have sworn it was the real Robbie Williams up on the stage
PATIENT:
Are you f**king kidding me?
DOCTOR:
Dead pan
No, he really is that good
PATIENT:
(Outraged)
I don't mean his singing voice, this bastard ripping my life to pieces and you're out singing and dancing with him!
DOCTOR:
Don't take this the wrong way Mr Kennedy but, "Tony? can be very charming he had everyone at the table laughing and at one point he did this amazing trick involving the champagne bucket and two cigars....
PATIENT:
Interjects
Doctor, look at me I've got no appetite, nose bleeds, I'm arguing with people over the smallest things. I can't keep going on like this doctor, is there nothing you can do I'm at the end of my tether
DOCTOR:
I'm not sure, but whatever it is we must act soon. Obviously "Tony" is not getting much sleep either. The hypnotherapist seems to think that he may be using cocaine in an effort to stay awake
PATIENT:
Oh, my god I'm a drug addict?
DOCTOR:
Don't panic Mr Kennedy we will be able to wean you off the drugs he is using. At this point our principal concern is that because of these cocaine binges Tony seems to have developed a huge appetite for unprotected sex with prostitutes!
PATIENT:
Oh my dear god, I've probably got aids as well!
DOCTOR:
Mr Kennedy I've booked you in for a specialist hypnotherapy session next Tuesday. Until then all can suggest is that you try to remain as calm as possible and try not to worry
PATIENT:
Its only Thursday now, god knows what this Tony character can get up to? This weekend's another Bank Holiday as well so I'm really f**ked
DOCTOR:
Rolls his eyes in sympathy
Mr Kennedy that the best I can do at this juncture I'm afraid. So, if you could see my receptionist on the way out they will give the appointment details. And I will obviously be there as well so let's hope it goes the way we need it to.
PATIENT:
Ok doctor thank you so much
The patient leaves the surgery
FX: Intercom Rings
RECEPTIONIST:
Pops head around the door points back indicating the patient
Doctor I thought it best to wait, a Mr Williams Blake-Hythe is on the line in relation to his client "Tony"
DOCTOR:
Nods head and picks up phone
Ah Mr Blake Hythe, I've just had a chat with shall we say the 'Other Party' I thought it best not to distress him unduly so I've told it's just a routine appointment. No sense telling the poor sod that he lost the court case and then having to forcibly hypnotise him...
DOCTOR:
Oh no no problems on that side once he's under, Tony's more than ready to fully takeover. Well at least I hope he is because I've got two hundred pounds riding on him winning the karaoke next Wednesday and my receptionists has put few bob on it as well
The End
