Int. Mr Pipers Office – Afternoon
Mr Piper, 45, is busy typing at his PC. There is a knock at the door and in walks Anne, 33, spectacled and a brummie. She is followed in by Danny, 21.
Mr Piper: Hello Anne, Danny. So, how can I help?
Anne: Well, sir, it would appear that Danny has written a very vicious story about me; he’s been handing it round the office to everyone.
Mr Piper: Oh I see.
Anne: It’s his latest attempt to undermine my authority and I’m not happy about it.
Danny: I was only having a laugh. There’s been no real harm done.
Mr Piper: Well I’m certainly not laughing. You do realise that this could be considered a form of bullying, don’t you?
Anne: God knows I had enough of that at school.
Mr Piper: Do you understand the psychological effects that this sort of thing can have, Danny?
Danny looks around and then shrugs his shoulders.
Mr Piper: Well believe me, Danny, this company has a very strict policy on bullying.
Danny: Yeah, but it was only….
Mr Piper: Oh do pipe down. I haven’t got time for your no doubt pathetic excuses. Now, Anne, do you mind if I take a look at this ‘story’?
Anne takes a piece of folded paper out of her pocket and passes it to Mr Piper who starts reading it.
Mr Piper: For God’s sake, Danny! You’re supposed to start all sentences with a capital letter. State of education today, eh? I don’t know.
Anne gives Danny a smug look. Mr Piper continues reading. When finished, he looks up at Danny, back at the piece of paper and then finally at Anne. He bursts into uproarious laughter.
Mr Piper: This is the god damn funniest thing I have ever read! You’ve captured her ridiculous character perfectly.
Anne: What?!
Danny starts chuckling. Mr Piper leaps out of his chair smiling.
Mr Piper: Here, who’s this?
Mr Piper sticks his backside out, fashions a pair of makeshift glasses out of his hands and starts waddling around the office.
Mr Piper: (Exaggerated female brummie voice) Ooooooh! The whole worlds against me! Deary do! Deary me! I can’t understand why anyone laughs at me. I’m only the biggest freak in the world after all!
Danny is laughing out loud. Anne is simply flabbergasted. Mr Piper sits down at his desk and starts wiping tears of laughter away.
Mr Piper: Ooh, I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.
Mr Piper opens a drawer on his desk and pulls out a wad of cash. He chucks it to Danny.
Mr Piper: Danny, take a pay rise.
Danny: Well thank you very much, sir!
Anne: What about the companies’ strict policy on bullying?
Mr Piper: Oh shut up! Now, Danny, how’d you fancy being team leader?
Anne: But that’s my job!
Mr Piper looks at Anne in disgust and then back at Danny.
Mr Piper: So how ‘bout it. D’you want old snotbag’s job?
Danny: Ah, go on then.
Mr Piper: Yay! Lets celebrate!
Mr Piper pulls open a drawer and produces a bottle of champagne. He starts to open it.
Anne: Mr Piper, I do NOT believe what I’m hearing and….
Anne is interrupted by the popping of the champagne cork which hits her square in the face. She falls to the floor. Danny and Mr Piper look at her, then each other and then burst out laughing again.
© Ben Ricketts 2007