INT. LECTURE ROOM. DAY.
LECTURER:
Two! Here for the shopping course - excellent. Does anyone know what shopping is? No? Shopping? Shop-ping?
ANDREW:
B-buying stuff.
LECTURER:
Buying stuff? Yes. That is one aspect of it certainly. But did you know there are 23 other facets to shopping and these skills are being rapidly forgotten. If we don't act soon we may well forget how to shop and society as we know it will collapse.
ANDREW:
But with the advancement of online shopping and the ease of which we can purchase we are now shopping more than we ever did.
LECTURER:
Exactly my point. Did everyone else hear that? The advancement of online shopping is ruining and destroying our ability to shop.
TOM:
So shopping more is causing us to forget how to do it?
LECTURER:
Precisely. Have you ever heard the saying 'more is less'.
TOM:
No.
LECTURER:
You must be familiar with its connotations then. More shopping online is causing us to have less of an ability to physically shop- physically. This may seem to have little consequence in the grand scheme of things but consider the animal kingdom.
ANDREW:
Why?
LECTURER:
Because I want you to. There's been an underground movement happening for years.
TOM:
Underground movement in the animal kingdom? That would just be moles wouldn't it?
LECTURER:
No, it would not. Did you know that the average rabbit read four books last year - all of them in the area of retail. Squirrels were spotted just miles from here using a shopping trolley to collect their nuts and a wildlife camera caught a family of meercats minting their own coins! The world is drastically changing and we're too busy with our phones and tablets to even notice.
Let me demonstrate how inept at selling we have become. I need a volunteer. Hmm...lets see....I'll...take.....you. Whats your name?
ANDREW:
Andrew.
LECTURER:
Ok Andrew, I want you to sell me this pen.
ANDREW: (Sheepish)
Ah...would you like to buy this pen?
LECTURER: (Very Enthusiastic)
Yeah, definitely!!
LECTURER HANDS OVER MONEY STRAIGHT AWAY.
LECTURER: (CNTD)
Ok, that wasn't a good example. Granted, it was a lovely pen and he had a great manner about him; like a young Terry Wogan. Let's try another volunteer.
HE LOOKS AROUND FOR SEVERAL SECONDS BEFORE PICKING THE OTHER ATTENDEE.
LECTURER:
How about you? Whats your name?
TOM:
Tom.
LECTURER:
Top?
TOM:
No, it's Tom.
LECTURER:
Tusk?
TOM:
Tom. T-O-M, Tom.
LECTURER:
Alright Tom Tom Tom sell me this pencil.
TOM:
Would you like to buy this pencil?
LECTURER:
No way! Yuch!
TOM:
It's perfect for gripping, it has a lovely weight to it and it feels so comfortable in your hand when you write and draw.
LECTURER:
I can't.
TOM:
Of course you can. This will be the best investment you make today.
LECTURER: (UPSET)
I can't you insensitive prick! I've been mugged!! They took everything, even my boxers.
LECTURER PUT HEAD IN HANDS.
TOM:
I'm very sor-
LECTURER: (TEACHING MODE)
See, Turt here has forgotten the seventh rule of selling: 'Never don't know what didn't not happen to the buyer of the thing you didn't sell. Thanks very much Tulf for getting it all wrong.
Let me see how I fare. What would you say if I asked you buy this piece of fluff?
ANDREW:
I'd say no.
LECTURER:
Exact- What!? Would you?
ANDREW:
Yeah, what use is that?
LECTURER:
Correct so far. But what if I told you that this used to be my pet hamster and when he died I couldn't bare to have him stuffed so I had him fluffed instead. The only way I'll remember him is if I sell off all his bits and make money from a hamster death.
ANDREW:
I'd definitely say no to that. Jesus!
LECTURER:
What!?.....Yes exactly. But do you see the lengths I'm going to. It's the mindset of a seller. When I say physically buying I mean mentally. It's only when you buy something physically that it becomes physically bought. Never buy with your mind. Just a little trick to remember.
Now, buy this (he smiles for a split second) Buy this smile (split second smile again) People, we need to be at that level to survive....do you understand? Ye don't!
HE STARTS LOSING IT AND PULLS OUT A GUN.
LECTURER:
Lads!! What am I going to do with you at all!? No-one understands! We're all doomed, DOOMED! I may as well side with the animals. There's a field of cows out there, I'll teach them.
HE RUNS THROUGH THE CORRIDOR WITH GUN IN HAND SHOUTING 'COWS' REPEATEDLY. HE HOPS THE GATE FIRES A COUPLE OF SHOTS INTO THE AIR WHICH SPOOKS THE COWS. THEY STAMPEDE AND TRAMPLE HIM.
HE RE-ENTERS THE LECTURE HALL BATTERED AND BROKEN.
LECTURER:
That was the sense of urgency I was looking for. Now, any questions?
END.
