Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:16 PMThanks for the feedback BTF!
What about this...
A Canadian politician this week claimed that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading a story from his favourite book about the crazy old man who lives in the sky.
Also, how did you fare this week? Any luck?
No. I never have luck. Not a snifter over 4 series. Never mind. It is fun to be creative. Thanks for asking. Yes I like this joke.
My no-gooders this week
As you can see I had a lot resting on Patisserie Valerie
Newsjackipedia
Saudi Consulate of Istanbul - The new name for the Bermuda triangle
Patisserie Valerie - The presenter who makes all the cakes on Blue Peter
BNs
Following a cash injection into the business, customers of Patisserie Valerie have complained about finding coins in some of the cakes
A woman who spent £16 million in Harrods was involved in a lengthy stand-off, after she refused to pay 5p for a carrier bag
A drug driver has been arrested after failing to spell a false name he gave when stopped. Police said they were surprised he didn't think of an easier name to spell than Xavier Cholmondely-Delevingne
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th October 2018, 9:40 PMMy no-gooders this week
As you can see I had a lot resting on Patisserie Valerie
Newsjackipedia
Saudi Consulate of Istanbul - The new name for the Bermuda triangle
Patisserie Valerie - The presenter who makes all the cakes on Blue PeterBNs
Following a cash injection into the business, customers of Patisserie Valerie have complained about finding coins in some of the cakes
A woman who spent £16 million in Harrods was involved in a lengthy stand-off, after she refused to pay 5p for a carrier bag
A drug driver has been arrested after failing to spell a false name he gave when stopped. Police said they were surprised he didn't think of an easier name to spell than Xavier Cholmondely-Delevingne
I thought they were all good. I was trying to do a patisserie one but gave up so this is good.
I also managed a sketch - a rare event. Would particularly welcome any thoughts on this :
Angela : Last week a bakery had their appeal upheld in the high court after they refused to decorate with the words 'support gay marriage'. I love cake and the more iced letters the better. I always ask for 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocius' on mine. Twice if possible. But if one of our political leaders took over a bakery would they decorate with whatever is requested ? Over to the Corbyn Bakery
FX ( 'Ding' as door opens and customer enters )
Jeremy Corbyn Good Morning. Welcome to the Corbyn Bakery. Your message is our message - as long as we agree in principle
Customer 1 Aren't you Jeremy Corbyn ? What happened to May and Hammond the austerity bakers ?
JC Went bust, I'm afraid - and apparently austerity is over. But don't worry we've fulfilled all outstanding orders. Do
you have your ticket ?
FX ( rustling noise )
JC Thanks ( locates cake ) There you go ( senses problem as customer inspects cake ) Everything ok ? Needs more
jam ? I've got plenty of jam. It's very good, made from my allotment fruit
Customer 1 ( inspecting cake ) This says 'Love is....'
JC I know.......you old softy
Customer 1 But I asked for 'Love Israel '
JC We ran out of a few letters
Customer 1 My ticket is 17. Can I ask - out of interest, what was on the next cake you baked ?
JC Ermmm.....Here we are, 18....for a child's football party. Real Madrid
Customer 1 But the word 'Real' - they're the same four letters that appear at the end of Israel
JC Yes, but in a slightly different order - and, of course, it took priority as Real begins with a capital
Customer 1 I thought it was Mr McDonnell who was a fan of Das Kapital
FX ( Ding as new customer enters )
Customer 2 Can I collect this please ?
FX ( more rustling )
JC ( handing cake over ).......a football fan, if I'm not mistaken
Customer 2 ( reads from cake ) We need a 2nd ref......
JC One's never enough, I find, what with all the diving....
Customer 2 But I paid for it to read ' We need a 2nd referendum '
JC Ran out of space, I'm afraid
Customer 2 Only because the number 2 in 2nd is so massive
JC Oh that'll be the cake decorator, Ms Abbott, she gets so confused with the size of her numbers
FX ( phone rings )
JC Excuse me a minute.......'Good morning, Corbyn Bakery......you'd like a cake in the shape of Northern Ireland........
Yes of course we can do that..............Yes, I understand, plenty of icing around the edge of the cake.........but can I
just check - would you like a hard or soft border ?'
END
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th October 2018, 10:17 PMI also managed a sketch - a rare event. Would particularly welcome any thoughts on this :
Angela : Last week a bakery had their appeal upheld in the high court after they refused to decorate with the words 'support gay marriage'. I love cake and the more iced letters the better. I always ask for 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocius' on mine. Twice if possible. But if one of our political leaders took over a bakery would they decorate with whatever is requested ? Over to the Corbyn Bakery
FX ( 'Ding' as door opens and customer enters )
Jeremy Corbyn Good Morning. Welcome to the Corbyn Bakery. Your message is our message - as long as we agree in principle
Customer 1 Aren't you Jeremy Corbyn ? What happened to May and Hammond the austerity bakers ?
JC Went bust, I'm afraid - and apparently austerity is over. But don't worry we've fulfilled all outstanding orders. Do
you have your ticket ?FX ( rustling noise )
JC Thanks ( locates cake ) There you go ( senses problem as customer inspects cake ) Everything ok ? Needs more
jam ? I've got plenty of jam. It's very good, made from my allotment fruitCustomer 1 ( inspecting cake ) This says 'Love is....'
JC I know.......you old softy
Customer 1 But I asked for 'Love Israel '
JC We ran out of a few letters
Customer 1 My ticket is 17. Can I ask - out of interest, what was on the next cake you baked ?
JC Ermmm.....Here we are, 18....for a child's football party. Real Madrid
Customer 1 But the word 'Real' - they're the same four letters that appear at the end of Israel
JC Yes, but in a slightly different order - and, of course, it took priority as Real begins with a capital
Customer 1 I thought it was Mr McDonnell who was a fan of Das Kapital
FX ( Ding as new customer enters )
Customer 2 Can I collect this please ?
FX ( more rustling )
JC ( handing cake over ).......a football fan, if I'm not mistaken
Customer 2 ( reads from cake ) We need a 2nd ref......
JC One's never enough, I find, what with all the diving....
Customer 2 But I paid for it to read ' We need a 2nd referendum '
JC Ran out of space, I'm afraid
Customer 2 Only because the number 2 in 2nd is so massive
JC Oh that'll be the cake decorator, Ms Abbott, she gets so confused with the size of her numbers
FX ( phone rings )
JC Excuse me a minute.......'Good morning, Corbyn Bakery......you'd like a cake in the shape of Northern Ireland........
Yes of course we can do that..............Yes, I understand, plenty of icing around the edge of the cake.........but can I
just check - would you like a hard or soft border ?'END
Personally, I really liked this.
I like the teabagging joke electronaut.
Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 19th October 2018, 3:38 AMI like the teabagging joke electronaut.
Cheers!
Quote: B T F @ 18th October 2018, 11:37 PMPersonally, I really liked this.
Thanks for both lots of feedback BTF
Any chance you can get on the selection panel next series ?
Probably a good chance Kenny Bania. I just have to wander the corridors at the right time on a Monday and make the tea.
Only joking, StevenM
Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:06 PMI'll start us off with this week's rejects... well done if anyone got in! Here are my failed efforts...
1. A Canadian politician has sparked outrage this week by claiming that the crucifix is 'not a religious symbol', before reading everyone a story from his favourite book about the adventures of a crazy old man who lives in the sky.
2. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father. "It all makes sense now", said dad-of-nine, Maxwell House.
NOTE: The next joke is not a repeat! It has a different punchline...
3. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father and in a related study the opposite was found for tea-bagging.
I wonder if the NJ person who scanned your jokes didn't know what teabagging meant? Or maybe thought the audience wouldn't know. Hard..to say. Good joke though.
Quote: B T F @ 19th October 2018, 9:03 AMI wonder if the NJ person who scanned your jokes didn't know what teabagging meant? Or maybe thought the audience wouldn't know. Hard..to say. Good joke though.
I didn't know - just had to look it up
( I've lead a very sheltered life )
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th October 2018, 9:44 AMI didn't know - just had to look it up
( I've lead a very sheltered life )
I had to google it too. Which made me think.
Made me think 'don't really fancy the sound of that '
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 19th October 2018, 10:12 AMMade me think 'don't really fancy the sound of that '
No. Agree. Gross!
Quote: electronat @ 18th October 2018, 9:06 PM3. A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chance of becoming a father and in a related study the opposite was found for tea-bagging.
I think this joke was probably rejected because it makes no sense.
If one study finds that men who drink two cups of coffee a day could double their chances of becoming a father and another study finds the opposite, just what are we to understand by "the opposite"? The English language does not have a word or a phrase which means the opposite of "double".
Even if we take the general meaning of the joke that drinking two cups of coffee a day increases the chances of becoming a father whereas tea bagging reduces the chances, the latter is simply not true. There is absolutely no evidence (as far as I know) that men who are into tea bagging are less likely to become fathers than those who are not.
Whichever way you look at it, the joke doesn't work. 
If you want a good joke in a similar vein you might try:
A study has suggested that men who drink two cups of coffee a day significantly increase their chance of becoming a father. In a related study, the opposite was found for men who preferred a cup of tea (BEAT) to having sex.