ehb 4 - 9.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PATRICK for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Patrick
2 - 5 - Crindy

Your next topic is CURRENT AFFAIRS. Yes, Newsjack again. Oh good.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 9.9.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Patrick
2 - 5 - Crindy

INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

A dapper, excitable science teacher-type PRESENTER sits in a chair in a TV studio. Two GUESTS sit on a sofa next to him, in a chat show set-up.

PRESENTER
(to camera)
Good afternoon, and welcome to Current Affairs, the brand new science-based talk show! We're here to bring you all the latest news, theories and exciting research from the world of electricity and electromagnetism!

A smattering of AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. The Presenter continues.

PRESENTER (CONT'D)
Coming up later in the show, we'll be looking at what the De Haas-van Alphen effect in the magnetic susceptibility of pure metal crystals might mean for your bank holiday weekend, and our phone-in vote will be asking you to decide: What is this year's must-have SI unit of electrical measurement? Coulombs or amperes?

The Presenter turns to his first GUEST, a slightly confused lady on the sofa.

PRESENTER
But my first guest is sat right here, so let's get to know her--

GUEST 1
I'm sorry, I think there's been a horrible mistake.

PRESENTER
How do you mean?

GUEST 1
Well, when your researchers called me, I rather assumed it was because you wanted to discuss my award-winning collection of small dried berries.

PRESENTER
Why would we be interested in that?

GUEST 1
Well, I thought that was what this was all about. Currant Affairs?

PRESENTER
But...why would anyone commission a TV show entirely about small pieces of dried fruit?

GUEST 1
Well, why would anyone commission a TV show about electromagnetism?!

PRESENTER
Fair point. Ok, let's just--My second guest is--

GUEST 2
Um, actually, I don't think I'm on the right show either. I thought this was more of a real-life confessional sort of a thing. Current Affairs?

PRESENTER
So...you thought...?

GUEST 2
I thought you just wanted me to come on to discuss the present state of my marital infidelities.

PRESENTER
Right. I mean, is it too much to ask that either of you might want to discuss electricity?

GUEST 1
Well, I'd much rather talk about the complex multi-stage drying process involved in currant production.

PRESENTER
Of course you would.
(to Guest 2)
And you? Any interest in electromagnetism at all?

GUEST 2
Mmm. That depends. Could I have sex with it without my wife finding out?

PRESENTER
Well, no. Electromagnetism is a fundamental force of nature.

Guest 2 turns and winks suggestively at Guest 1.

GUEST 2
Ditto.

PRESENTER
(back to camera)
Ok! So, we at least have a pre-recorded piece to show you...which I've just realised we got these two to film for us.
(back to guests)
So, is it...?

GUEST 2
It's basically just me having sex with her behind my wife's back.

GUEST 1
While I talk you through my own secret recipe for a batch of delicious currant buns!

PRESENTER
(sighing)
Alright, so...Ah! The results of our phone-in poll are in, and your favourite electrical SI unit is... the small, seedless grape Vitis vinifera?

GUEST 1
Ooh, that's the type of grape used to make--

PRESENTER
Currants, yes, I get it. So the audience don't understand what we're doing either.
(sighing, to camera)
Ok, well, I'll admit, this may have been my fault. I probably should have made the pitch for this show to the BBC a bit clearer.

GUEST 2
Excuse me, is it ok if I leave? I'm late for an appointment in the hotel down the road with my secretary.
(pause, then)
We're going to have--

PRESENTER
Yes. Whatever. Off you go.

Guest 2 leaves, the Presenter turns back to the camera.

PRESENTER
So, that's it for this week. Hopefully we'll get these little kinks ironed out for next week, so please join me then, when my guests will be a leading oceanographer specialising in predicting prevailing movements in large bodies of water, and former UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

A smattering of applause. The credits roll.

THE END

GRANT: And whilst these allegations might have left any other leader red-faced, Trump merely settled for his trademark orange. [BEAT] So, what do you think?

ED: I'm not sure, Grant. I don't think it's really right.

MAUREEN: Because it wasn't funny?

ED: Oh, Christ no, that's never been an issue. It's just, that story was from the beginning of the week. I want *current* affairs satire!

MAUREEN: OK, so here's one. Did you see the story in today's paper about Boris Johnson checking into a more expensive hotel than the other delegates visiting the Bulgarian embassy? I'm thinking, "Boris can't lie on the same bed as a poor person, even though he can lie on a bus!"

GRANT: Oh, and mine wasn't funny? Come on, that's pure hack work - you could at least have done something original...about his hair.

ED: I don't care about the hair. *This morning's* paper? That's literally yesterday's news. Be currenter!

GRANT: Err...so, on Twitter, 3 minutes ago, the Australian prime minister said something dubious about Koreans.

ED: Too old.

GRANT: Three minutes ago!

ED: But in Australia! Where it's still yesterday evening! And last winter! I want jokes about something happening right! This! Minute!

MAUREEN: You mean...a sketch about current affairs satirists trying to work out what the most current thing might be?

ED: Yes! That's happening now!

GRANT: It's certainly an original idea.

MAUREEN: And we could sneak in the jokes about things that happened earlier in the week too, no point wasting those.

ED: This will be great.

GRANT: Although, the ending will probably be quite disappointing...

I vote Crindy, perhaps unsurprisingly.

Hah. And after some equally careful consideration, I'll vote for gappy.

F**k, missed it.
Grate but Gappy wins by a hare.

Sugar, missed deadline. Crindy for me.