nòjg m,mbj - b 22 - 30.8.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY and GAPPY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Crindy, Gappy

Your next topic is ANIMALS.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 18.8.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 51 - Crindy
2 - 45 - Gappy
3 - 30 - Otterfox
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - LazySusan, Playfull

[4 figures sit round sturdy desk in book-lined study. All have an air of tweedy academia]

1: So, it's decision time. We've seen all the candidates, and we only have one place available to read Classics this year. Well, I'm sure we all want to get home, so I'll start the ball rolling: I'm assuming that Mr Baker is out of the running?

[Agreement all round]

2: Oh, yes. He was very hesitant, and didn't seem to come up with a coherent answer no matter how much time we gave him.

3: Indeed. I must say, I was quite impressed by Miss Mukergee.

1: I think she would be my choice, a very lively, enquiring mind.

2: I rather liked Mr Bolivar's observations.

3: Yes, he was inventive in his replies, but the work he prepared before the interview was rather sloppy.

2: Yes, quite. I think that clinches it, then: Mukergee it is.

1: Excellent. I'll complete the paperwork and then -

4: [An old don, interjecting slowly] I find myself inclined towards Thompson

[Groans]

1: Do you, really, Simpkins?

4: Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt.

1: So, whilst we all support this young woman with an excellent grasp of the Greek language, and some intelligent thoughts on reciprocity in Herodotus, you want to give the undergraduate place to a duck?

4: Yes. My vote goes to Thompson the duck.

2: But it wasn't even a real duck! It was a big cardboard box with a beak drawn on.

4: I find this obsession with physical appearance rather troubling. Are we or are we not here to reward the most able academic candidates, regardless of background or appearance? Thompson gave the best interview.

3: But Stan, you weren't even here during that interview.

4: Ah, no. Yes. I'm sorry to say I was unavoidably detained, but I feel your notes gave the gist.

1: Oh yes, you got the gist alright. Because you were here, weren't you, Stan? You were inside the box, quacking and making some pretty facile comments about Tacitus' Germania in a squeaky voice.

4: No, I wasn't. Anyway, Germania does exhibit gender politics that are closer to our society than any other pre-Renaissance sociological text.

1: Aha!

2: So it was you after all.

4: Oh...sod it.
1: Nice try Stan, but your cardboard duck is kept out of the university for another year. Alright, so I'll see some of you tomorrow, where we'll be interviewing for Ancient History. I'll send round the application details: we'll be interviewing a coypu, The Urals and the colour tope.

4: Oh, I'll be ready...

ANIMAL HUSBANDRY

tune: House of the Rising Sun, Animals

I fist a mouse, a gnu I ream
A boar entice my cum
And a pig, cow mooin', a hen my sex toy
A toad I blow for fun

My partner was a whaley
Its hole I gooed with cream
My lover was a ramblin' ram
Horn in splooge and skeet

Sow I bone, my thing in a deer's teeth
Jizz on scared parakeets
With my gonad slime on cats and lice
Hellbenders on my dong

[Organ Solo]

I f**ked and belled young chickens
Star-nosed mole splattered with scum
Spiny lumpsucker I filled with seed
Bonked a louse and armadillo

Bell end got three feet in a glow-worm
My rooster f**ked out its brains
My ho's a jackass, cub or bitch
I'll share my balls with drakes

I fist a mouse, a gnu I ream
A boar entice my cum
And a pig, cow mooin', a hen my sex toy
A toad I blow for fun

INT. BAR. DAY.

OLD-SCHOOL DETECTIVE (BIXBY) WITH FEDORA HAT AND CIGARETTE IN HAND IS QUESTIONING A DISHEVELED-LOOKING MAN (FARNEY) WITH TOUSLED HAIR AND TATTERED SHIRT.

V/O (BIXBY):
The name is Hector Bixby and detective work is all I know. To say my career hangs in the balance is an understatement. Two years without solving a case is an eternity for a detective. I was on the tail of the Honeycomb Man for six months now and was desperate to crack the case. Finally, I'd caught a break and collared a witness. Could he shed any light on how the Honeycomb Man seemed capable of manipulating time? I was cautiously optimistic...

BIXBY (WEARILY):
Alright, let's go through this one more time; What time did you arrive at the bar?

FARNEY:
I'd always have my lunch here during the week and I remember how I found it unusual that it was already freezing at that time of day.

BIXBY:
And that time of day was...?

FARNEY:
Freezing.

BIXBY:
And what time were the clocks?

FARNEY:
Oh, the clocks must have been five past one if they were a day.

BIXBY:
So what happened then?

FARNEY:
I ordered my usual tea and goose sandwiches, took a seat here at the window and started drinking and biting and eating the stuff I'd just bought.

BIXBY:
Still relatively normal.

FARNEY:
Then a blue sedan pulled up at the corner of Morton's chemist and a man got out with a tea cosy on his head. I watched him throw a load of apples into the clock tower and then speed away.

BIXBY:
No longer normal. Did you notice anything strange about the car?

FARNEY:
Not when it was pulled up but when it was in motion it looked like there was a rabbit in the back seat eating a cornetto.

BIXBY:
Highly odd now.

FARNEY:
Exactly! Who eats an ice-cream in sub-zero temperatures!?

BIXBY SIGHS HEAVILY.

BIXBY:
Let's skip forward shall we. Tell me about the actual-

FARNEY (LOUDLY):
After the rabbit thing happened my attention was quickly drawn back inside as I could hear an argument taking place in the kitchen.

BIXBY:
Oh yes?

FARNEY:
Yes. The lady kept repeating something about the dust of time, the dust of time and the chef was giving out about how someone had accidentally eaten a nest.

BIXBY (EXASPERATED):
(whispers) Jesus Christ! (normal tone) And then...?

FARNEY:
Then I looked back out the frosted window and I could have sworn I saw a horse drinking pigeon shit out of a straw.

BIXBY SLAMS THE TABLE.

BIXBY (ANGRY):
What's the point!? Can you tell me that? What's the bloody point!? With you dust of time, apples in clocks and pigeon shit. What am I supposed to do with that!!?

HE IS INTERRUPTED BY FARNEY SNEEZING EIGHT TIMES.

BIXBY (REVELATION)
Wait a second. You don't sound too great yourself. Maybe you were out in the cold last night; just as the incident occurred perhaps?

FARNEY:
No. I had a bit of a sneezing fit last night and when I woke up this morning my nose was gone to shit.

BIXBY:
Your hair too, it looks very much askew. Like you were maybe up half the night?

FARNEY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET DEEPLY INSULTED.

FARNEY (INSULTED):
I am entitled to have whatever hair I have on my own head please!

BIXBY:
Alright, alright, cool your jets....Jesus, you're after spilling hot coffee all over my hands with the force of that jump and you don't see me prancing around...sit back down and we'll get to the crux of the case.

FARNEY:
I most certainly will not!! I'm heading straight to Harry Bjerken's salon for a cut, trim, blowdry, wash, towel dry, wet trim, highlights, lowlights, relaxed, straightened and curled in that order and it's all because of you!

BIXBY:
Run along then you absolute cretin! With your goose sandwiches and eating nests and utter insanity and of course your horrible hair.

FARNEY WHIMPERS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.
DRAKE SIDLES UP TO THE COUNTER.

BIXBY:
Coffee and a sandwich.

ATTENDANT:
What kind of sandwich would you like; goose or nest?

BIXBY:
What? Jesus Christ! Nevermind, just give me something to cool down my hands.

ATTENDANT:
I'm afraid we did have some cornetto's in the freezer but the rabbits have eaten the last of them. They loved those new honeycomb ones.

BIXBY (REALISATION):
Honeycomb!? Oh Jesus!........ Farney wait!!

BIXBY HASTILY RUNS FOR THE DOOR.

END.

INT. ANIMAL CAGE - DAY

A cage filled with tropical trees and plants. A FEMALE BLACK-AND-WHITE RUFFED LEMUR idly chews on a piece of fruit. A SCIENTIST opens the cage and carefully sets a MALE BLACK-AND-WHITE RUFFED LEMUR down inside, before closing the cage.

MALE LEMUR
Um, hi?

The Female Lemur looks over at him, disinterestedly, then returns to eating the fruit. The Male Lemur awkwardly sidles over to her.

MALE LEMUR
So...what's a nice black-and-white ruffed lemur like you doing in a heavily-monitored conservation area like this?

FEMALE LEMUR
What?

MALE LEMUR
Right. Yeah. Stupid thing to open with. Um...What I meant was...If I said you had a beautiful ano-genital scent gland, would you hold it against me?

FEMALE LEMUR
Did you fall on your head recently?

MALE LEMUR
Sorry. It's just...I'm a bit new to all this. Y'know, mating.

FEMALE LEMUR
Excuse me?

MALE LEMUR
Oh, yeah, that's kinda why I'm here. They say we need to mate.

FEMALE LEMUR
We absolutely do not.

MALE LEMUR
Yeah...it's a bit weird for me too. But, y'know, they're expecting us to...

He gestures to the Scientist standing next to the cage with a clipboard.

FEMALE LEMUR
What, and he's just planning on standing there and watching? Is he some sort of pervert?

MALE LEMUR
I think he's just really interested in black-and-white ruffed lemurs.

FEMALE LEMUR
Sounds like pervert behaviour to me.

MALE LEMUR
Maybe. So...do you wanna wash first, or--?

FEMALE LEMUR
Look, I'm sorry, you seem like a very nice black-and-white ruffed lemur, but I honestly wouldn't mate with you if you were the last male black-and-white ruffed lemur on the planet.

MALE LEMUR
I am the last male black-and-white ruffed lemur on the planet. And you're the last female black-and-white ruffed lemur on the planet. That's sort of the whole point.

FEMALE LEMUR
What?!

MALE LEMUR
Yep. We're the last ones. So that's why...I mean, I don't really wanna put too much pressure on you, but they say we need to repopulate our entire species.

FEMALE LEMUR
I--This is gonna be a lot to take in.

MALE LEMUR
(proudly)
Well, thanks very much.

FEMALE LEMUR
Not your--! The entire concept! All the others are dead?

MALE LEMUR
Yep.

FEMALE LEMUR
Even Karen?

MALE LEMUR
I have no idea who that is. But was she a black-and-white ruffed lemur?

FEMALE LEMUR
Yes.

MALE LEMUR
Then yeah, she's dead. What with us being the only two black-and-white ruffed lemurs left on the planet.

The Female Lemur shakes her head, struggling to comprehend the situation.

MALE LEMUR
So...I don't wanna rush you, but...

FEMALE LEMUR
Look, I--I'm not sure I can do this. I mean, you turn up here, you hit me with some really weird chat-up lines, you tell me everyone I've ever known is dead, and then you expect me to let you inseminate me in a last desperate attempt to save our species while a weird old man with a clipboard watches us?

MALE LEMUR
I mean...Could be fun, being watched? Kinda kinky?

FEMALE LEMUR
He's eating a Pot Noodle.

The Male Lemur looks back at the Scientist, who is indeed eating a Pot Noodle, looking slightly bored.

MALE LEMUR
Ok, fine. I know. This isn't exactly how I imagined my first mating season either. And, frankly, the responsibility of having kids is scary enough without said kids being the only hope that our entire species has of being saved from extinction. But we have to do this, for every Northern black-and-white ruffed lemur that has ever walked this earth--!

FEMALE LEMUR
Hang on, did you say Northern black-and-white ruffed lemur?

MALE LEMUR
Yeah.

FEMALE LEMUR
Oh. Wow. This is awkward. I'm a Southern black-and-white ruffed lemur.

MALE LEMUR
Oh. Really?

FEMALE LEMUR
Yeah. So we're probably not...compatible anyway. And even if we were, we wouldn't really be saving either of our species. Seeing as how our offspring would inevitably be some sort of weird hybrid species, neither one thing nor the other.

MALE LEMUR
Right. Of course. Well, phew! I guess we dodged a bullet there!

FEMALE LEMUR
Right! Can you imagine how awkward it'd have been if we'd found that out after we'd mated?

MALE LEMUR
Yeah!
(then)
Although...what if combining the genes of our different, but broadly similar species together kick-started a string of genetic mutations that led to a rapid growth in black-and-white ruffed lemur intelligence and strength, paving the way for a superior race of black-and-white ruffed lemurs to evolve, conquer the planet, and have their revenge on that species which had driven them to near-extinction in the first place? Man!

FEMALE LEMUR
Were you really expecting that line to work?

MALE LEMUR
I dunno, Might be worth a go...?

He smiles hopefully. The Female Lemur considers the situation.

INT. ANIMAL CAGE - MONTHS LATER

The same cage. A FEMALE SCIENTIST sits on a tree branch, eating a piece of fruit. A SUPER-STRONG HUMAN-SIZED LEMUR opens the cage and carefully sets a MALE SCIENTIST down inside, before closing the cage.

MALE SCIENTIST
Wow. That lemur situation really got out of hand, didn't it.

THE END

Scene: A Bank, two men are in an office.

Mr Smith: So welcome, Mr MacDonald, have a seat.

Mr MacDonald: Many thanks.

Mr Smith: Welcome to the Bend it Like Beckham Bank. We feel your account with us needs some attention.

Mr MacDonald: How do you mean?

Mr Smith: Well, am I right to say you own a farm?

Mr MacDonald: Yes.

Mr Smith: And that you own A cow?

Mr MacDonald: Yes.

Mr Smith: And that you own A pig?

Mr MacDonald: Yes.

Mr Smith: And that you own A chicken.

Mr MacDonald: Yes.

Mr Smith: And that you own A sheep?

Mr MacDonald: Yes.

Mr Smith: Well here is the problem Mr MacDonald. In today's agricultural business climate, a farmer that has A cow, A pig, A chicken and A sheep does not have the supply of livestock that would generate enough revenue to keep you afloat.

Mr MacDonald: I have a goat too. Do you know about the goat?

Mr Smith: Yes Mr MacDonald, I know about the goat. And the dog. And the cat. Whilst your portfolio of animals has great diversity, it has no depth. Your milk production is terrible, you sell one egg a week and as for pork: literally not a sausage. The debts you have run up are massive Mr MacDonald. But I'm pleased to suggest a manageable repayment plan for the money you owe.

Mr MacDonald: That I owe?

Mr Smith: Yes, Around a million pounds.

Mr MacDonald: Eeeee, I owe?

Mr Smith: Yes.

Mr MacDonald: Eeee, I.....eeee I owe that much? What should I do?

Mr Smith: My advice to you is...........haircuts.

Mr MacDonald: How do you mean?

Mr Smith: You can generate further income by opening up a number of hairdressers on your land. Look at this map of your farm: with a barber here and a barber there........here a barber, there a barber, everywhere a barber......

All fab. Crindy.

Lots of great stuff this week.

Special mention to some of Otterfox's insane imagery, but I think Patrick just pips it. Squeezing in 'Eeee, I.....eeee I owe' tickled several of my funny bones.

Some good stuff this week, but, I agree, "eee I owe" and "literally not a sausage" did the magic for me.

Crindy for my vote.

Patrick for me - liked the barber ending. With a mention for Otterfox's madcap imagery.