d535m .àùa 11 - 18.8.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Crindy, Gappy

Your next topic is TECHNOLOGY (suggested by Crindy).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 18.8.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 41 - Crindy
2 - 35 - Gappy
3 - 30 - Otterfox
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - LazySusan, Playfull

INSP: Hmm. Locked. Go go Gadget Lockpick! Aha!

SFX: DOOR OPENS

DR: My dear Inspector Gadget, so nice of you to drop in.

INSP: Dr Claw? You were ready for me? But how did you know I was here?

DR: I have the whole place wired up with gadget detectors, you weren't hard to track.

INSP: Oh, really? Go go Gadget Cloak Against Gadget Detectors!

DR: Sort of redundant now, but, fair enough.

INSP: You won't get away with this! Go go Gadget Flamethr-

DR: [QUICKLY] Go go Gadget Fall Over.

SFX: THUNK!

INSP: Ouch. I see your little game, but two can play at that...game. Go go Gadget Fl-

DR: [QUICKLY] Go go Gadget Fall Over But Harder.

SFX: THUNK!

INSP: Ow. Yes, very clever, but you're no match for - ouch - my next move. Go go Gadget Fl-

DR: [QUICKLY] Go go Gadget Wet Yourself.

INSP: Oh, my gadgetty shame! And still you've not considered my Go Go Gadget-

DR: [QUICKLY] Go go Gadget If Gadget Says "Flamethrower" He Wets Himself.

INSP: Go Go Gadget *Not* A Flamethrower. [BEAT] Oh dear. Of course that still includes the word flamethrower. [BEAT] Oh. Well, how about Go go Gad-

DR: Go go Gadget Shut Up!

INSP: Mmm mmm mmm-mmm mmm-mm-mmm!

DR: I mean, really, Gadget, voice control! Why did you do it? Why create a revolutionary cybernetic super-spy robo-body mechanism, and put so little thought into the user interface? You could at least have programmed in voice recognition. Or learnt to speak faster.

INSP: [SLOWLY] Mmm. Mmm. Mmmm-

DR: Yeah, sure. So, anyway, I'm going to take the money, and the elixir, and the documents, and the MacGuffin, and the porn, and all that stuff and leave you here now. Tied up. Speaking of which: Go go Gadget Tie Yourself Up

INSP: [DEJECTED] Mmmmm.

DR: Maybe someone will find you in a few days. Go go Gadget You Can't Use Any Gadgets For As Long As You Remain Tied Up, But You Can Speak Now.

INSP: You evil doctor!

DR: Bye, then.

INSP: Hmm, what to do, what to do.

[PAUSE]

PENNY: Inspector! I thought I'd find you here.

INSP: Penny! How did you get in?

PENNY: That's not important.

INSP: No, I mean, really, it's very heavily guarded here with lots of traps. I only just got in and I have all the gadgets.

PENNY: Well, anyway, I did.

INSP: No, I'm serious, there's no way a young girl could have -

PENNY: Let's just observe that I did get in, and not worry about how, and move on to the next thing that might happen.

INSP: Good thinking. Untie me, Penny!

PENNY: There you go, inspector. Now, if we sneak out through this door, we can get straight to the vehicle store and away. But, there are lots and lots of heavily armed guards, so be careful.

INSP: Lead the way.

PENNY: [WHISPER] We have to be very, very quiet.

INSP: [WHISPER] No problem. [LOUD] Go go Gadget Slippers!

SFX: LOTS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE

INSP: [DYING] Oh, yeah, course...

I've written an artcle to warn people about social network addiction. You can find it on Facebook, Twitter, Sype, LinkedIn, LinkedInPlus, Googleplus, WhatsApp, Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, Googleplusplus, QQ, YY, Wechat, Qzone, Baidu Tieba, Viber, Vine, Line, vk.com, Xing, Youtube, Renren, Snapchat, Twoo, Meetup, Secret, Medium, MySpace, Reddit, Flickr, Sina Weibo, BBM, Kakaotalk and Telegram.
Rome 20 years ago: Bleedin' bus ain't coming. Rome now: I got this fabulous App on my phone, it says, Bleedin' bus ain't coming.
But you never know who your friends really are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list. What I hate on Facebook are events pages with 'Who's going.' Takes all the fun out of stalking, doesn't it?

I read on Youtube, 'One Direction, High Quality.' I thought, No they're not.

My wife uses Trojans, anti-virus and anti-hackers. Methinks the lady doth protect too much.
My computer must be hungry. It has 12 mega-bites.
Forum on Christmas cake, treacle and pudding. Some threads may be sticky.
Why did Santa's helper buy a camera? To take an elfie.
You must buy those awesome tools for connecting appliances to sockets. Sorry, that's a plug.

INT. PUB - NIGHT

A dishevelled old man, DENNIS, sits on a stool at the bar. He beckons over a younger BARMAN.

BARMAN
Hey, Dennis, I've already told you. No more drinks until you pay off your tab.

DENNIS
Alright, alright, I heard you the first time. But how about we settle this with something better than money?

BARMAN
You're not gonna try to use Nectar Points again, are you?

DENNIS
Nah. I'm gonna cut you in.

BARMAN
Is that a threat?

DENNIS
No, to my business. See, you know the iPhone, right?

BARMAN
Yes. I'm aware of the iPhone.

DENNIS
Well I've made a better one.

BARMAN
You've made a better one?

DENNIS
Oh yeah. I mean, it was a nice idea and all. That Steve Jobs gave it a pretty good go, don't get me wrong. But I just, y'know, improved it.

BARMAN
You improved the iPhone?

DENNIS
Yep. And I'm happy to give you a cut...for a couple more pints of Guinness.

BARMAN
Right...It's just...

DENNIS
What?

BARMAN
Well, the iPhone as it is today has been through nearly a dozen full development cycles, been worked on by Silicon Valley's top team of engineers, and had design teams replicate the exacting ergonomic demands of Apple's creative department.

DENNIS
Yeah, so?

BARMAN
And I don't think I've ever seen you leave that bar stool.

DENNIS
I left it last Tuesday!

BARMAN
Falling off it doesn't count.
(then)
I just...I find it hard to believe that you have managed to design and build a smartphone that eclipses Apple's latest product whilst perched precariously on the end of the bar drinking Guinness.

DENNIS
Look, do you want in or not?

BARMAN
Can I see it?

DENNIS
Erm, I can bring it in next week? It's being tested at the moment. With the military.

BARMAN
The military?

DENNIS
Yeah, shouldn't really be telling you this. Top secret stuff. But once they heard I'd taken the iPhone and, y'know, made a better one, MI5 wanted in.

BARMAN
Right...

DENNIS
Course, the plan is to get the Russians involved as well. Start a bidding war.

BARMAN
I see...

DENNIS
So, as you can imagine, there's gonna be plenty of cash coming my way for all sorts of bar tabs. So if you can just pour me another--

BARMAN
Dennis, do you have the money to pay for your drinks, right now?

DENNIS
Well, no, but as I said--

BARMAN
Ok, I'm tired of your stories, Dennis. Either pay off your bar tab, or you're barred.

Dennis grouchily gets off the stool and exits. The barman shakes his head with incredulity. Two MEN in dark suits and fancy shades stride in, looking like a couple of Spooks.

MAN 1
Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a man. Name of Dennis?

BARMAN
Dennis? He just left.

MAN 2
(nodding to Man 1)
Let's get after him. We haven't got much time.

BARMAN
(in shock)
Wait, hang on. Are you two actually from...MI5?

The two men look back at him, stony-faced.

MAN 1
...No, sir. We're from the bookies down the road.

MAN 2
Chasing up a gambling debt. Turns out he hadn't taken the Dyson Hoover and made a better one after all.

THE END

INTRO. In the year 21 15 people are no longer required to be corporeal. In exchange for the freehold on your physical body the giant Next corporation will give you virtual immortality by downloading your DNA profile, spectral image algorithm, memories and personality on to a 1.8 metre by 0.6 metre, virtually indestructible, floating holographic carbon wafer only 50 microns thick. This has considerably reduced crowding on the London underground, not least because people can now travel by postal tubes.

TECHNICIAN. Ok Mr Davis you can open your eyes now.

MR DAVIS. Wow! This is great, look I'm floating. Wow!

TECHNICIAN. Steady now. It can be a little disconcerting at first. It can make you feel a little light headed.

MR DAVIS. I can make it move by just thinking?

TECHNICIAN. Yes, just think about which direction you want to go and...

MR DAVIS. I'm moving, I can do it look, it's really easy.

TECHNICIAN. Just be careful. It will take a bit of practice to get used to it.

MR DAVIS. Wow! This is great, look I'm floating. Wow!... Hang on I just said that didn't I?

TECHNICIAN. Oh dear.

MR DAVIS. What do you mean oh dear?... What the Hell!... Did I just flicker?

TECHNICIAN. I think we have a glitch.

MR DAVIS. A what?

TECHNICIAN. Its very rare. How do your pixels feel?

MR DAVIS. Wait! I can't feel my legs!

TECHNICIAN. That's because you haven't got any legs. Can you feel your image degrading?

MR DAVIS. Look just put me back into my body and we will say no more about it...Wow! Look I'm floating...

TECHNICIAN. I am sorry you are just too grainy, and besides your body is already occupied by a nice East Korean couple.

MR DAVIS. What! Already! Get it back from them!

TECHNICIAN. Sorry, no can do they took out the optional extra warrantee...and I see you didn't...

MR DAVIS. Well what are you going to do! I just keep repeating...Look I've gone to widescreen!

TECHNICIAN. Now don't panic Mr Davis. All is not lost if we wipe the spectral signal host unit and replace the DNA information chip we should be able to re-use the carbon wafer.

MR DAVIS. Wow! This is great, look I'm floating...Damn!... will I be ok then?

TECHNICIAN. Urrr, wipe the signal?

MR DAVIS. What! What happens to me!

TECHNICIAN. Urrr, wiped?

MR DAVIS. Wow, this is great I'm float...bugger...can't you download and backup my spectral signal instead of wiping it?

TECHNICIAN. Sorry we don't have that option.

Mr DAVIS. I thought it was a standard feature?

TECHNICIAN. No you are thinking of that company who do virtual optical downloads not full body wafers.

MR DAVIS. You mean?

TECHNICIAN. Yes you should have gone to 'spec savers'!

If I were a tactical man I wouldn't vote for Crindy, but as they posted the sketch I enjoyed the most, I'm going to, so there.

Crindy.

Liked Michael's One Direction gag, but gappy's sketch was great, so that gets my vote.

Me go Gappy