t 1 - 8.8.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Crindy
2 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is SUMMER (suggested by Crindy).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 8.8.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 31 - Crindy
2 - 30 - Otterfox
3 - 25 - Gappy
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - LazySusan, Playfull

EXT. PARK - DAY

A beautiful summer's day. A happy COUPLE approach an Ice Cream Van, the ICE CREAM MAN stands in the window ready for their order.

WOMAN
Two ice creams, please.

ICE CREAM VAN
Ah, ice cream, is it? Well, you've come to the right place!

The Ice Cream Man prepares two soft serve ice cream cones and places them on a rack on the counter.

MAN
How much is that--?

ICE CREAM MAN
Flake?

WOMAN
Oh, yes, please.

The Ice Cream Man sticks a Flake in both ice creams.

MAN
So how much do we owe--?

ICE CREAM MAN
Strawberry sauce?

He proffers a squirty bottle of strawberry sauce. The Man and Woman shake their heads.

MAN
So, how much will--?

ICE CREAM MAN
Chopped nuts?

He grabs a scoop of chopped nuts from a bowl on the counter.

WOMAN
No, I think we're fine with--

ICE CREAM MAN
Chocolate sprinkles?

He picks up a carton of chocolate sprinkles expectantly.

MAN
No, really, I just want to pay--

ICE CREAM MAN
Hundreds and thousands?

WOMAN
No, really, we'll just take them as they--

ICE CREAM MAN
Glacé cherry?

MAN
Please, can I just pay--

ICE CREAM MAN
Ketchup? Mustard?

He holds up two squirty bottles of ketchup and mustard.

WOMAN
Ugh. No, just--

ICE CREAM MAN
Melted cheese?

He grabs a couple of cheese slices and dangles them over the ice creams expectantly.

MAN
Please no. Just keep the change--

The man tries to thrust a five pound note at the Ice Cream Man. He ignores him and reaches for an...

ICE CREAM MAN
Andean Condor Egg? Fried or poached?

WOMAN
Agh! Could we just have our--

ICE CREAM MAN
Foie gras?

He holds up a worried-looking goose and a funnel.

MAN
Bloody hell, no! Just let me--

ICE CREAM MAN
The body of our holy lord Jesus Christ?

He holds out a bowl of communion wafers.

WOMAN
Look, can we please just have our...oh.

They look down at two puddles of melted ice cream on the rack.

ICE CREAM MAN
Ah, what are the chances, eh? Never mind, have another two. On the house!

The couple smile as the Ice Cream Man prepares another two ice creams and places them on the rack. A pause.

ICE CREAM MAN (Cont'd)
...Flake?

THE END

Hi. Today I interviewed two candidates to teach English at a central Rome summer school.
First was Sylvie Jarre. Sylvie was born in Paris but grew up in Nottingham with an English father and French mother, so was bilingual by the age of three. She attended English schools in England Englishly, obtaining 34578 degrees in English language and literature, comparative Engtlish anthropology and English everything else from England's Durham, Oxford and Cambridge. She has worked in English for the English Parliament, Oxbridge's department of English studies and England's English board of English health and education - but she's also a dedicated mother of three, with a wide range of interests and hobbies.
Second was Dick Staines. Dick left school at the age of fetus to concentrate on sexual harassment, beating up the mentally handicapped and stealing from blind lepers. He enjoys selling heroin to the under-fives, burning down OAP homes with the OAPS still in them and pulling the legs off Siamese kittens. His favourite films are 'Jizz-munching whores from Hell' and 'Fun with Fisting', but he also loves newsreels about starving African children: 'That f**ker always looks so f**king funny,' he explains, 'But why the f**k don't it cheer up? Yer f**king on f**king telly you f**king black f**ker, gives us a smile!'
Of course, we chose Dick - because we GUARANTEE that ALL our teachers are mother-tongue. Yes, only native speakers for our students. That's our exclusive pledge, and we pledge to abide thereby.
English schools in Rome. Because we don't know f**k all either.

[TWO CHILDREN OF ABOUT 8 ARE STANDING NEXT TO A POOL TABLE. THEY LOOK APPREHENSIVE]

DAD: [OFF] Come on, Clarrie, your go. You're on the black.

[CLARRIE GETS DOWN NERVOUSLY TO EYE HER SHOT]

DAD: [OFF] No! Come on, Clarrie, you have to nominate your pocket.

[CLARRIE RETICENTLY INDICATES THE LEFT MIDDLE. SHE BENDS DOWN TO TAKE HER SHOT, WHICH WE DON'T SEE. WE SEE FROM HER FACE SHE HAS MISSED: DISASTER. PAN OUT TO SHOW HER BROTHER BARRY GRIMACING WITH SORROW AND EMPATHY.

ENTER DAD]

DAD: Bad luck, Clarrie.

[WE SEE DAD RAISE HIS HAND, WHIHC HAS A WOODEN IMPLEMENT LIKE A SMALL CRICKET BAT. CLARRIE RESIGNEDLY BENDS OVER THE TABLE AND DAD PULLS BACK TO WHACK HER ON THE BEHIND. SHE FLINCHES.

ENTER MUM, AGHAST]

MUM: Tony! What in hell's name are are you doing?

DAD: What? Looking after the kids, like you said!

[DAD OULLS OUT HIS PHONE. WE SEE HIS MESSAGES AS FOLLOWS

Me: How shall I amuse them in this weather?

Sally: Paddling pool!]

Gappy just peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps it.

Crindy gets my vote, but Michael gets a special mention for making me laugh and then feel guilty for doing so.

It's Crindy for me, slightly surreal and avoided the old crushed nuts.

Sorry for the lateness of my vote. If I still have time to submit, it goes to gappy.

In the words of Oscar Wilde, no prob mate.