hgfd nèoqegèq9er n20 - 28.7.16

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your next topic is SAILING (suggested by Gappy).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 28.7.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Otterfox
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 21 - Crindy
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - LazySusan, Playfull

COCK IN PUSSY, HARDENED

tune: Octopus' Garden, Beatles www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0vFUxE3SrM

I'd like to skeet and beat me meat
With me cock in pussy, hardened cos it's shaved
She'd let me in, show bare her quim
With me cock in pussy, hardened cos it's shaved

I'd blast no end and cum with glee
My cock in pussy, hardened with smee

I'd like to skeet and beat me meat
With me cock in pussy, hardened cos it's shaved.

She would be whore, genitals shorn
Every trickle finds its way between her gates
Fist her poon head until it's bled
With me cock in pussy, hardened near a gay

I would sling my yogurt round
Aiming for her fun fanny mound

I'd like to skeet and beat me meat
With my cock in pussy, hardened cos it's shaved.

I would mount her minge and mouth
And fondle her tight bush cos it's shaved
(Tight bush cos it's shaved)
Oh wank joy, it's better than sex toys
Snowing her baps with mayonnaise
(Baps with mayonnaise)

I would bleedin' blatter goo and seed
No Mom bare to tell me not to splooge

I'd like to skeet and beat me meat
With me cock in pussy, hardened with goo...

EXT. MERCHANT SHIP, AMERICAN DOCKS - DAY

A large sailing ship is preparing to leave harbour. The CAPTAIN surveys his CREW running around busily from the stern. A PASSENGER approaches him.

PASSENGER
Thank you once again for permitting me passage back to my homeland on your vessel.

CAPTAIN
Think nothing of it. We set sail in one hour, and with a fair wind, we should be back in Blighty by, erm...July, I should expect.

PASSENGER
Ah, so soon?

CAPTAIN
So tell me sir, what brought you to the New World?

PASSENGER
Well, Captain, back in England I own a number of high-quality furniture makers.

CAPTAIN
Egads! You are the David Francis Smith of David Francis Smith Furnishings fame? I have one of your cabinets in my cabin!

PASSENGER
Ah, tis the best place for one, I find.
(then)
But, alas, times have been tough these past few years and my income has dwindled. Over here in the New World I sought cheaper supplies of materials, but more importantly, I sought inspiration! A new plan to bring customers forth and return my once proud business to the top!

CAPTAIN
And has inspiration found you?

PASSENGER
Not in the manner I might have hoped, sir. Indeed, the only idea that crossed my mind was to reduce the name of my business to my initials in order to save time and ink supplies on our invoices.

CAPTAIN
A fine idea.

PASSENGER
But not, alas, one that will return David Francis Smith Furnishings to profit. Tell me, Captain, do you have any advice? Surely turning a profit in today's shipping market is a beastly task?

CAPTAIN
Indeed. However, I have a stratagem that has served me well. You see my sails?

PASSENGER
Indeed.

CAPTAIN
Well, truth be told, they are not the largest sails in the harbour. When customers saw them, they doubted our ability to cross the ocean in good enough time compared to the rather larger sails on the ships of my competitors.

PASSENGER
But your ship is filled with cargo! How do you manage it?

CAPTAIN
Simple, my good man. I tell my customers that we have larger sails in the hold, which we unfurl after we've left harbour. What they are seeing when we are docked are merely part of our overall sail capacity.

PASSENGER
You claim these sails have been specially reduced?

CAPTAIN
Indeed. Of course, the customer is not to know that there has been no reduction, and that they are always this size.

PASSENGER
Hmm. I do believe I'm starting to have an idea! Captain, how much smaller do you claim these sails are, compared to your fictitious full-sized ones?

CAPTAIN
I usually say they are half the size.

PASSENGER
Half, eh...?

CAPTAIN
Although, to make it sound more official, I've been expressing the comparison as a percentage.

PASSENGER
I see. So you claim you have taken 50% off?

CAPTAIN
Indeed.

The Passenger thinks about this for a moment, then has a spark of inspiration.

PASSENGER
Oh my. Of course! Captain, we must cast off post-haste! I have had my inspiration, and must return to my business at once!

CAPTAIN
Right away.

PASSENGER
Praise the lord, I'm a genius! 50% off sales! At DFS!

THE END

CAPT: [SHOUT] Hard turn to starboard, Mr Green!

GREEN: [SHOUT] Pardon?

CAPT: [SHOUT] Hard turn to starboard.

GREEN: [SHOUT] Did you say starboard or larboard?

CAPT: [SHOUT] What?

GREEN: [SHOUT] I can't tell whether you're saying larboard.

CAPT: [SHOUT] I'm saying starboard. What are you saying? Larboard?

GREEN: [SHOUT] Did you just say starboard then larboard, or larboard then starboard?

CAPT: [SHOUT] What?

GREEN: [SHOUT] Hang on, I'll come up. [BEAT] Right, sorry captain, give the order again, please.

CAPT: Hard turn to starboard.

GREEN: Oh. I thought you said larboard.

CAPT: That is apparent. Perhaps we shouldn't have a word for left that sounds almost exactly like the word for right. Let's change it. Any ideas?

GREEN: Left?

CAPT: No! We can't use left and right! Otherwise how would people know we were on a boat if they were listening in for some reason? How about...port?

GREEN: It certainly sounds nothing like starboard.

CAPT: That's settled then.

GREEN: But it does sound a lot like port. A port being a place a ship might find itself near. Could be confusing if, you know, the port we were near wasn't on our left.

CAPT: Oh, the chances must be a million to one. No, port it is, from now on.

GREEN: Fantastic, no more starboard/larboard mix-ups. Sailing is going to change for the better.

CAPT: I feel like a man who has come from a long period of darkness into a blazing glow of larkness.

GREEN: Intense larkness indeed. There's so much larkness it's like a ray of sunshine has broken through after a long day of lunshine.

CAPT: Too right! Metaphorically speaking, it's been lunshining all my life. There has been so much lunshine lunshining that there are big pools of lunshine.

GREEN: It's been lunshining logs and dogs.

CAPT: Lo.

GREEN: Low?

CAPT: Lo - the opposite of no.

GREEN: Lo, I see. I thought you meant low spelt L-O-W...the opposite of how.

CAPT: I'm getting quite confused now. What were we talking about before?

GREEN: Erm...you wanted me to turn hard to [RELISHING] port.

CAPT: I did. I said that because we were about to hit a great big -

SFX: SHIP SPLINTERING AND EVERYONE DYING.

(In case you aren't aware: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/larboard)

A PRESS CONFERENCE AT NASA. THERE IS AN EXCITED EXPECTANT HUBBUB FROM THE ASSEMBLED PRESS. A SMILING NASA OFFICIAL ENTERS TO A SPONTANIOUS BURST OF APPLAUSE. HE STANDS AT THE LECTURN BEAMING A WIDE SMILE UNTILL THE APPLAUSE HAS DIED DOWN.

SPOKESMAN; Thank you. It gives me great pleasure to announce that at 8.47am Eastern Standard Time today the Mission to Mars craft Endeavour left earth orbit and started its six month journey to the Red Planet...

THE ROOM ERUPTS IN APLAUSE AND EXCITED SHOUTING.

SPOKESMAN; Thank you (HE GESTURES FOR PEOPLE TO SETTLE DOWN), Endeavour, captained by commercial airline pilot Captain Tom Armstrong exited Earth orbit and...

PRESS WOMAN; Sorry did you say commercial airline pilot?

SPOKESMAN; Did i? Yes well, we have been under severe financial constraints recently and the Endeavour practically flies itself...

PRESS WOMAN; Does Captain Armstrong have any space flight experience at all?

SPOKESMAN; I really have no idea, those kind of questions would be best directed to Ryanair...

PRESS MAN; He came from Ryanair?

SPOKESMAN; Honestly, I don't know. English is not his first language and I'm not sure his name is really Tom Armstrong...

PRESS WOMAN; What happened to the Astronaut who was scheduled to fly the mission?

SPOKESMAN; We find it more useful to have the actual Astronaut's working for tip revenue at the visitor centre. If it wasn't for the money generated by selfie sticks there wouldn't be a NASA...Can we get back to the Mission itself? Does everyone know how the Solar Sails function? Does anyone have any questions about the technology?

ONE PERSON RAISES THEIR HAND

SPOKESMAN; It's not a question about the pilot is it?

THE HAND IS SLOWLY LOWERED

SPOKESMAN; Ok, purely in the interests of exposition. Once clear of Earth orbit the Endeavours cabin crew Valija, Klaudija and Kristina will release the three solar sails, each of which will unfurl to the size of one hundred football pitches.

PRESS WOMAN; Do you have that in tennis courts?

SPOKESMAN; (LOOKLING AT HIS NOTES) No, I'm sorry I don't have that information at present, I'll get back to you. Once the sails are deployed the solar winds will fill the sails and push the Endeavour towards Mars.

PRESS MAN; How about ice hockey pitches? Do you have that figure?

SPOKESMAN; No I'm sorry we only have the one sports field analogy. Does anyone have a technical question about the mission? There is a NASA badge for the best question.

EVERYONES HANDS GO UP

SPOKESMAN; That aren't about the Pilot or the size of the sails in sports fields.

ALL THE HANDS BAR ONE GO DOWN.

SPOKESMAN; Yes?

PRESS WOMAN; Why were Solar Sails used?

SPOKESMAN: Excellent question, I think we might have a badge contender. One of the main problems with travelling to Mars is the immense amount of fuel required to complete the journey.
Solar Sails are powered by the Solar wind, which of course is permanently emitted by the sun. The main advantage of which is that due to the lack of an atmosphere in space the Solar Winds provide a continuous rate of acceleration. The longer it goes the faster it gets.

PRESS WOMAN; Very impressive. And when Endeavour gets to Mars how does it slow down?

SPOKESMAN; The cabin crew will put on the seatbelt sign and stow the Solar Sails.

PRESS WOMAN; But how will the vessel slow down from its fantastic speed. With no atmosphere how will it decelerate?

SPOKESMAN: (LOOKS THROUGH NOTES) That ends todays press conference. I just have two announcements. Firstly NASA Will shortly be announcing a competition to design a Solar Anchor. And secondly no badges will be awarded today.

Can't make my mind up between Gappy & Crindy both excellent ideas, so it's a half pint to each.

On a separate note i am a little concerned that after Brexit Michael's foul word allocation might move to Italy under the cessation of free movement of obscenities. I fear this might affect my own 'bums' and 'tits' quota...

Crindy - unforgivable pun, which is how I like them.

All Brexit's fault. And Virginia Raggi's.
Crindy.

Gappy this week