British Comedy Guide

Eking

I know I have been pushing my luck posting pilots as they are time consuming to read but if anyone could take the time to read this one and possibly point out any glaring errors or offer advice on how to take it up a notch i would be truly grateful . Its called Eking as a play on words with the owner Eddy King but its a romance set in this unstable economy. The pilot is called Whirlwind as the romance blossoms fast...but I need to know if its too fast?

FADE IN:
SCENE: INT VAN - DAWN:
Eddy King is sat in a van texting the words 'OUTSIDE'

SCENE: EXT VAN- DAWN
The van is a burger type that has the legend 'Eddy's Hot Food' along the side. A woman then comes up and opens the van door to enter it

SCENE: INT VAN: DAWN:
As the woman climbs into the van Eddy a middle aged Scouser looks slightly crestfallen.

EDDY:
Are you Terri?

Terrie is a new aged type in her mid-30's with a warm approach and a lot of beads around her neck. Her face drops as she sees Eddy's look.

TERRIE:
Don't tell me you thought I was a man? Didn't my cousin Claire tell you?

EDDY:
She told me that she just didn't tell me that you we were..... well you know?

Terrie is unsure and uneasy about Eddy's point

TERRIE:
No I don't know,

Eddy is wrangling with himself and them comes out with it. And he seems ashamed when he does.

EDDY:
A hippy!

Terrie is almost relived at this

TERRIE:
Up beat
I'm not a Hippy. Oh the beads I went back packing for a few years and I've just sort of kept them as a memento

Eddy starts up the van and they converse on the move, Eddy is worried

EDDY:
So, you're not a vegetarian or anything stup ...... I mean you're ok with and meat and gluten and all the cra.. stuff?

TERRI:
I'm fine with it, why what's wrong with vegetarians?

EDDY:
Everything when you've just sunk every last penny you had into 20 pounds of bacon 300 sausages and six boxes of hamburgers

TERRI:
Upbeat
Oh I see what you were worried about, no no I'm fine with all that. And I catch on quick, so long as the prices are clearly marked I'm good to go!

EDDY:
Ok well I'll do the traders first, they're as dodgy as you can get so it's a good way to learn. When they slack off you can take over.

Did Claire tell you the hours and all that?

TERRIE:
smiles
All I heard was 50 quid for a day's work, I stopped listening after that. You tend to do that when you're skint

EDDY:
Worried
Tell me about I've sunk every penny I had barring my float into that lot back there

Terri looks at Eddy with a slight concern

SCENE: BOOT SALE ENTRANCE- DAWN:

A basic gap in a hedge with a gate and a sign reading Cars £10 Vans £30 Traders £100
A man in a hi viz jacket carrying a bucket walks over to Eddy's van and Eddy's window winds down

SCENE INT VAN -DAWN
Eddy is holding a conversation through the van window with the man in a hi viz vest wellies and a clipboard.

EDDY:
Where's Wendy?

MAN:
checks clipboard
No idea who she is mate? I only started today. Right so that'll be a £100 and you can have pitch six by the toilets

EDDY:
I normally pay after I've traded for an hour or so, that's why I asked where Wendy was? I've been doing it like that for years

MAN:
I don't doubt it, but not today, so either pay or do a U turn so that I can keep the line moving

Eddy is clearly concerned and grabs 8 plastic bank bags off the dashboard

EDDY:
Look here's £80 it's my entire float that means I'll have no change. But once I'm in and set up I'll have the other £20 for you in half an hour

MAN
Total disinterest
Look mate I not taking part payments so can you turn around and go back out please you're holding the line up!

Terri rummages in her bag and finds her purse, she goes to the back of it and behind a photo of a woman she takes out a £20 note that has been folded 4 times. She straightens it out and gives it to the watching Eddy
Eddy immediately realises the implications that this is this woman's last reserve, he holds up his hands as he speaks.

EDDY:
Oh no I couldn't, you've come to make money not risk it

TERRI
Why don't you really think you can make it back if you get in?

EDDY:
Bravado
Me I can make money out of thin air

Eddy takes the note and gives that and the 8 bank bags to the man and they drive into the car boot sale.
As the van drives slowly in there is a group of people just standing around near the entrance and a couple shout over through the vans open window.

MAN:
Hurry up and get that urn on Eddy, I'm spitting feathers here

WOMAN:
And don't forget to save the crusts for my bacon butty love I'm starving

Eddy waves back to them as he drives in.

TERRI:
Are they the traders? they don't look that bad?

EDDY:
Nods
Wait till they let the private sellers in! That lot will be all over their cars like monkeys at the safari park

SCENE: EXT VAN- MORNING
The van is parked on grass and Eddy is rolling out round plastic table tops from the back of the van and then setting them up with legs. Terri is visible through the vans hatch she is testing the tap on a steaming tea urn and then she is flipping bacon on a hot plate. She speaks to Eddy through the hatch.

TERRI:
Eddy the first lot of sausage and bacon's done and the urns boiled. Should I go over to the entrance area and let the traders know we're open for business?

EDDY:
Smiles
No need

Eddy goes behind the van and returns with a bugle which he then blows astonishingly well. Terri watches him from the hatch and is clearly impressed.

TERRI
Where in god's name did you learn to do that?

EDDY:
I was in the Sea Cadets for six months until they found out that I couldn't swim

The Traders who were grouped at the entrance and others start appearing from various directions
They all appear to know Eddy and his bugle well.

WOMAN:
You're later than usual getting your horn out Eddy, what's up is it the cold?

EDDY:
I don't worry me about my horn Mary, once I get it out its ready to blow every time

MAN:
I heard you had trouble getting in?

EDDY:
Yeah new staff, they don't know how the game works

MAN:
Well if they made you pay up front they at least know the bulk of it

EDDY:
Cheeky sod

Eddy then calls the queue to attention

EDDY:
Listen you lot I'm in a corner, I've had to give my float in at the gate to get in so there's no change. So, can you do me a favour and keep your dud 20's to yourself for once and while you're at it can you get together and help me out on the loose change front

The traders all start getting out slummy and changing money with each other, Eddy enters the van and then he and Terri are rushed of their feet as trade is brisk.

SCENE: EXT VAN-DAY
The traders are walking away carrying food and drinks and Terri gets out of the van with a half full bin bag and walks off

SCENE: OVERHEAD DRONE -DAY
There is then an overhead drone shot of a car boot sale and then it goes overhead Terri at the bins then the drones view changes and makes a B line for the hatch of Eddy's van.

SCENE: INT VAN- DAY
Eddy is in the van washing a knife in a bowl of soapy water, as he does so there is a big splash as the drone lands in the bowl

EDDY:
What the the.......?

A man with a remote control appears at the hatch, he is leaning in and looking around sheepishly

MAN:
Sheepish
Did a drone just come into your van?

Eddy fishes the drone out of the bowl

EDDY:
Is this it?

MAN:
mortified
I'm so sorry, I've only just bought it and I got a bit carried away. It never hurt you did it?

EDDY:
Pointing to floor

It just missed my head and its smashed all my eggs!

Eddy points to a tray with 3 broken eggs on the floor. As the man attempts to pop his head in to look, Eddy grabs a broom and begins sweeping them out of sight. The man then takes out a rather full looking wallet and he offers Eddy two £20 notes.

MAN:
Will that cover the damage and upset I've caused?

Eddy takes one of the 20's

EDDY:
That'll cover it

As the man walks away from the van with his wet drone Eddy folds the £20 note into eight. He talks to himself and smiles as he does it.

EDDY:
Right out of thin air

Terri enters the van and she does so Eddy pockets the folded note quickly.

TERRI
I've emptied the bins so shall I work the hatch now?

EDDY:
Looks at watch
Yeah but put some burgers and hot dogs on first and get a couple of bags of chips out the cooler box as well

TERRI:
Who's eating hamburger and chips at 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning?

EDDY:
There my best sellers! A lot of people treat a car boot as a day out. So, they do they like to push the boat out. If you can call a 2 quid hot dog pushing the boat out

As he is speaking Eddy's phone rings, he looks at caller ID and smiles he then nods to Terri that he has to take the call.

Terri then spots a customer at the hatch reading the price list and she goes over and serves them as Eddy takes his call.

Eddy begins a one-way conversation over the phone.

EDDY:
Delighted
Hello, Mr Edwards how nice to hear from you. How can I help you?

Yeah yeah

Not a problem,

Yeah yeah

I'll guarantee you I'll be there

Yes of course

Have you sorted the sides out yet? It's just so I can get the right stock?

The Cavaliers! That's great no problem with them

Yes you can count on me Mr Edwards

Eddy finishes the call and then excitedly rubs his hands together. Terri who has finished serving the customer spots Eddy's 'Elated Actions'

TERRI:
Smiling
I take it that was good news?

EDDY:
Ecstatic
That was Keith Edwards, he's the head of the local Civil War re-enactment society. They're having their first big battle of the season next weekend and one of the caters has pulled out and he's given me first refusal

TERRI:
Is that good then?

EDDY:
Good? I can make more in one day there than I can at 20 boot sales. Especially doing the Cavaliers

TERRI:
Why is there more of them?

EDDY:
Less, they just like to get into character by spending twice as much as the Roundheads

TERRI:
Don't the Roundheads spend much then?

EDDY:
They're pretending to be Puritans, so they don't have anything fancy like onions or ketchup on their hot dogs or milk or sugar in their tea stuff like that So you can save on the stock.

TERRI:
Wow that really is getting into character

EDDY:
Last time I did it one of them just had dry hot dog bun and a glass of water. I was on two minds whether to ask him if he wanted salt in the water?

TERRI:
And when's that next Saturday?

EDDY:
Excited
And Sunday it's a two- day event! So, if you're free and you fancy working it? it pays a £100 a day

TERRI:
200 quid! You count me in!

EDDY:
Unsure
Its 200 miles away so we would have to stay on site overnight but I can get a tent I mean you know two tents nothing funny or nothing.. I didn't...

TERRI:
Smiles
Relax I've already got a tent and we won't need another one either, separate sleeping bags will be fine

EDDY:
Buoyed
You'll love it, it's a great atmosphere at night they all sit round camp fires in their costumes and muskets and they sing ballads and everything

A female customer then appears at the hatch

CUST:
How much are your chips?

EDDY:
£1.50 a cone

The woman looks into her purse and it's all very dismal.

CUST:
Could you just do me a like biggish bowl of them for four quid?

EDDY:
Go on then, take seat they'll only be 2 minutes I've just put a batch on

The woman goes over to a table that has three kids sat at it already and she is clearly their mother.
Terri notices how almost destitute they look and then watches as Eddy puts four hot dogs in buns on a paper plate and then fills a big bowl with all the fries and then he leaves the van. As he does so Terri is watching him from the hatch.

SCENE: EX TABLE- DAY

EDDY:
Jovial
Here's your chips love and I've just had a phone order cancel so there's a few hot dogs there as well for you and the kids. They would have only gone to waste

The woman and kids are delighted and thankful and as Eddy turns to return to the van Terri busies herself with a cloth like she never saw it happen

SCENE: INT VAN- DAY:
Terri is at the hot plate. Eddy is using a plastic funnel to fill ac HP Sauce bottle with brown liquid from a larger plastic container that has Chinese writing on it, there is also another container with red sauce in it and that has Chinese writing on the label as well.

Eddy finishes the sauces and then goes to the hatch and studies the people at the tables. Terri notices this and she wipes her hands on a tea towel as she joins him.

TERRI:
Puzzled
What are you looking at?

EDDY:
I'll let you into a secret, you'll learn more about people by watching them than you ever will from listening to them!

TERRI:
In what way?

EDDY:
I've learned more about people selling hot dogs than I would if I had trained to be a psychiatrist
Terri points to a table with a young couple on. The woman has just halved a burger with a plastic knife and shook out half the chips from a cone and put them onto two paper plates. She then gives one to the man and then she smiles as she eats. The man on the other hand who is wearing a Man U top looks glum

TERRI:
What about them?

EDDY:
She's going to boss that poor sod around for the rest of his life

TERRI:
How do you know that? She's just sharing the food out

EDDY:
What man do you know that orders half a burger?

TERRI:
Good point

EDDY:
They'll selling stuff to get money for their big day. She's probably got him on a 'Shedding for the Wedding' diet as well. Plus, Man U are playing at home today and he's sat facing her. So, who do you thinks the boss?

TERRI:
I take it you're married

EDDY:
I was, I've been divorced for 19 years this Halloween

TERRI:
How long were you married?

EDDY:
Four months

TERRI:
Four months!

EDDY:
To be honest it was nearer three, we were just from totally different worlds

TERRI:
Then how did you even meet?

EDDY:
At University

TERRI:
Surprised
You were at university?

EDDY:
She was, I was outside selling Hot Dogs. I think she saw me as a bit of rough

TERRI:
Ahhh I wouldn't call you rough Eddy

EDDY:
Winks
You should see me in a leather bomber jacket with my collar up

TERRI:
Lucky there was no kids

EDDY:
There was, that's the reason we had to get married in the first place

TERRI:
Heat of the moment I suppose

EDDY:
You can say that again. You know the way these days they name kids after the places they were conceived?

TERRI:
You mean like Brooklyn Beckham?

EDDY:
nods
Yeah well, he would have been called Student Dorms Emergency Stairwell Number 3

TERRI:
Do you see him at all?

EDDY:
Every Wednesday night and any weekend I'm not working which isn't many. He used to love working with me on the van. But his mother stopped him coming with me because she said her parents thought that he was starting to sound 'Common'

TERRI:

Oh, are they posh then?

EDDY:
Her dad's a bank manager and her mother's a pain in the arse! Anyway, what about you are you married?

TERRI:
Never been into it, I back packed and worked my way around the world. I've washed dishes in Sydney and elephants in Goa

EDDY:
The furthest I've been to is Morocco and that was only because I got drunk and took the wrong flight. I was supposed to be going to Benidorm

TERRI:
I loved every minute of it. But then I admittedly I did it for a few years more than I should have. But then I met a guy who I thought was the one

EDDY:
And wasn't he?

TERRI:
He was at first, we came home but after two years in 'Steady Jobs' Whenever we did see each other we'd end up arguing about crap like forgetting to pick the dry cleaning up

EDDY:
That's a shame

TERRI:
So, he took a promotion and I went back to Goa, but it didn't work out. They really are just kids on the trails these days, I felt old and I got tired of it all. So, I came home penniless and I've been spending a few months on my cousin Claire's couch

An extremely brutish chav type man in a Chelsea top comes to the counter. Terri goes to serve him as Eddy slips out the door.

EDDY:
I'll be two ticks I've just got to pick a few things up that regular sellers holding for me

Terri nods as she goes to serve the man

TERRI:

What can I get you sir?

MAN:
How much are the chips?

TERRI:
£1.50 a cone?

MAN:
Go on then but I want a full cone not half of one and don't skimp on the salt & vinegar either!

Terri serves the man a cone of chips and he gives her a £10 note. Terri takes it and gives him the change. The man looks at the change angrily.

MAN:
I gave you a 20 and you've give me the change from a ten!

Terri checks the cash draw

TERRI:
I'm sorry but you definitely gave me a ten

MAN:
Menacing
Are you calling me a liar? I gave you a 20 and I want my change, now!

Eddy returns carrying an orange Sainsburys carrier bag, as he enters the van, he's see's the stand- off between Terri and the man right away.

TERRI:
This man said he gave me a 20 but it was definitely a ten, there's not even any 20's in the till

EDDY:
Pats pocket
I know I took them out ten minutes ago, I always do

MAN:
Bullying
Never mind covering for her I want my money! Don't make me have to come in and get it

Eddy puts the orange carrier bag down and pulls a rounders bat from under the counter and smiles confidently as he pat's it into his palm.

EDDY:
You're welcome to try mate, but step on foot in here and what I do to you is nice and legal

MAN:
Scoffs
What you'll do to me? Do you know who I am?

EDDY:
Well if your trying to con tenner's off hot dog men at car boot sales then I doubt you're one of the Sopranos

The man is taken aback by Eddy's bottle and no-nonsense approach and his rounders bat

EDDY:
Anyway we'll find out who you were from your dental records if you fancy it? If you don't then sod off and go and try it out on someone who's scared of you, because I'm not!

The man is perplexed but then storms off as he does so he knocks over one of Eddy's plastic tables. Eddy smiles at that and then stores the bat away. The watching Terri is impressed.

TERRI
I really thought it was going to turn nasty

EDDY:
Winks
I've been selling hot dogs outside pubs and clubs till 4 in the morning since I was 15. I know a phoney when I see one, he was just bluster. I told you, watch them before you listen to them

TERRI:
What gave him away?

EDDY:
Everything pointed to the fact that he was a tit. The Chelsea top just sealed it

TERRI:
Alright then you've seen me in action so what do you make of me?

Eddy goes over and pretends to pull the folded £20 out of Terri's ear. He then gives it to her and she is nearly in tears as she unfolds. As Eddy speaks a customer's impatient head pops through the hatch as they are clearly waiting to be served. Eddy has his back to this.

EDDY:
You're one of life's nice people are there's no many of them around

TERRI:
You're not that bad yourself

Eddy is embarrassed by the way he blurted that out and he is grateful when the customer with their head through the hatch lets their impatience get the better of them.

CUST:
Can I have a tea with six sugars please!

Eddy smiles and mutters to Terri as he goes to serve the customer

EDDY:
It would be quicker to microwave him a can of coke

Terri smiles as does a lingeringly fond look at Eddy who is chirpily serving the customer.

SCENE EXT VAN-DAY
A steady flow of customers Eddy is serving Terri is outside clearing the tables and putting the rubbish in a black bin bag.

SCENE: INT VAN - DAY
Eddy half enters as he rolls in one of the round plastic table tops. Terri is holding a box of burgers.

TERRI:
These uncooked burgers Eddy? They've almost defrosted, shall I dump them?

EDDY:
No put them in the cooler box I cook any spares for next doors dogs

TERRI:
impressed
A dog lover and a good neighbour, you really are a bag of surprises

EDDY:
Winks
Next door hasn't got a clue I do it. He's in the park with them every morning at half 6 telling anyone who's up at that hour that his dogs are putting weight on and he can't work out how?

Terri laughs as Eddy goes to the door and rolls in another plastic table top then goes out and comes back with the legs.

SCENE: EXT VAN- AFTERNOON

The tables and chairs are all gone the vans hatch is down and people are walking past carrying things like a tall lamp and a Space Hopper

SCENE: INTE VAN- AFTERNOON
Eddy is counting the notes and Terri is bagging the coins up.

TERRI:

There's £121 and odds in coins

EDDY:
I've got 450, not a bad day that. After costs I'll have most of the money I need to buy the first day's stock for next weekend. Once I work out what it is that I'm actually getting that is?

TERRI:
What do you mean?

EDDY:
I'm alright on the latte front I know they like them and that they don't mind paying through the teeth for them. But it's all the other guff you know like Quinine? and all that rubbish. Then there's the 'Quorn on the Cob mob' I'll have to get salad and god knows what else

TERRI
smiles
It's quinoa not quinine, quinine is what they treat malaria with

Eddy gets his phone out and attempts to go on line as he speaks.

EDDY:
I'll have to Google most of it. I normally ask my lad about modern stuff but not food, have you seen what teenagers eat?

Terri gently gets Eddy to put the phone down

TERRI:
Stop worrying, I've worked in more trendy cafes across Far East and Australia than I can care to remember. I've even worked in a Sushi Bar, you know raw fish?

EDDY:
Even I know what sushi is

TERRI:
Well my claim to fame is that I was working in one in Sydney when the singer Seal came in and he bought 12 salmon rolls of me!

EDDY:
I can see where he got his name from

TERRI:
Smiles
Seriously I can put a menu together for you with one eye on the price and the other on the profit no problem

EDDY:
Nervous
That would be great. Listen when you've done it do you reckon we could get together and go over it?

TERRI:
Get together?

EDDY:
Panicky
I just mean go for a coffee in broad daylight and in somewhere that's dead busy. It's just so that you can go over it with me, slowly so that know what I'm getting?

TERRI:
Smiles
I'll tell you what, why don't we go out for a meal in the evening instead?

EDDY:
I'd really like that

TERRI:
excited
I must admit I do love good wine and exotic food

EDDY:
Worried
Have you got anywhere special in mind in case I have to book a table? And what night would be best?

Terri can see that Eddy is now worried about the potential cost of this exotic meal. Her reply is warm and caring

TERRI
Well you did say that you see your son on Wednesdays, so I was thinking Thursday. It's Curry Club at Wetherspoons you can get a curry and glass of wine for under 8 quid and I insist we go Dutch

EDDY:
Buoyed
It's a date. Ooh wait I can do it, but as long as it's after half 7 as I've got a wedding to go to

TERRI:
Who's getting married?

EDDY:
I've no idea?

TERRI:
Then why are you going?

Eddy becomes coy and edgy and then acts like he going to confess to a murder. Terri takes it deadly serious.

EDDY:
You've got to promise me that you'll keep this to yourself. Only me and the photographer know about it so if it gets out...

Terri is worried and unsure, so she places her hand onto Eddy's arm fondly as she speaks in a reassuring tone.

TERRI:
Eddy I don't need to know everything, just...

EDDY:
Interjects
I've got to tell someone its killing me and it might sound daft, but I really feel I can trust you

TERRI:
Sincere
You can

EDDY:
I'm the lucky the Chimney sweep

TERRI:
You're what?

EDDY:
Last year at a boot sale I bought a set of chimney brushes for £5 to clean my drains s. I had them leaning against the van when a customer who was a wedding photographer said it was really hard to get sweeps for his weddings, the next thing you know

Eddy holds out his hands in a Gaelic gesture

EDDY:
Viola!

Terri is relived but is now trying not to laugh

TERRI:
So, you took him up on it?

EDDY:
To right I did! I get 100 quid cash for every wedding. And I black my face up so that no one can recognise me in the photos

TERRI:
What like your mates?

EDDY:
smiles
I was thinking more of the Tax man

Terri is clearly interested and amused

TERRI:
So, what do you do? Do you just turn up and then stand there with a brush?

Eddy is infused by Terri's genuine interest.

EDDY:
No No, I've got the full hit, waistcoat, granddad shirt. a cap as well as blackened face. I did have a black cat for the first few, but it leapt out of the front basket of my bike and I never saw it again. In fact .....................

Eddy stops talking and goes over and gets the orange carrier bag and he takes out a pair of old boots and proudly displays them to Terri

EDDY:
I've been after a pair of hobnail boots in a size ten for months and one of traders found a pair for me. Not bad for 2 quid eh?

TERRI:
Very impressive, but why hob nailed wouldn't any boots do?

EDDY:
The photographer likes a few shots of me jumping up and sparking my heels

TERRI:
Amused
Are you any good at it?

EDDY:
I am now! A lot of the couples like it so much that I often get an extra 50 to hang back until it gets dark enough to catch the sparks on their wedding video

Eddy smiles as he starts up the van.

SCENE: STREET- AFTERNOON
The van is parked up and kids are playing football by it

SCENE: INT VAN- AFTERNOON
Eddy and Terri are talking as Terri has her mobile in her hand and is preparing to get out of the van

TERRI:
So I'll like I said I can get cracking and send the menu ideas over by email so you can price the stuff wholesale in advance. That way we'll both up to speed on everything when we go over it on Thursday

EDDY:
Can you send them to my web page instead as I can work the messages better on that

TERRI:
Yeah sure I didn't know you had a website, what's it called I'll put it in my phone

EDDY:
The Bootle Burgermeister.com

TERRI:
That's a good one, I'll easily remember that

EDDY:
Sincere
I can't thank you enough for this Terri. You know for the first time in ages I feel like things are on the up

Terri smiles as she does so a ball comes through the open van window and hits Eddy in the face. He is not hurt but he is shocked while Terri goes from concerned to trying to keep a straight face. Terri now has hold of the ball it is a cheap light flyaway type.

EDDY:
What the fu, that's the second time today I've nearly had my bloody head took off

Terri holds up the ball to show how light it is

TERRI:
I think it was more the fright than anything Eddy , it's only a kids fly away

EDDY:
That's not the point the little brats shouldn't be playing in the street with it. I blame the parents, kids these days are being dragged up instead of brought up!

Terri gets out of the van with the ball and throws it to the kids

SCENE: EXT VAN - AFTERNOON

TERRI:
There you go Harry just make sure you're more careful with it, you nearly hurt the man

Eddy is watching this from the van window and shouts out to Terri

EDDY:
concerned

Do you know him them?

TERRI:
Smiles
That's my nephew Harry .. Our Claire's lad?

EDDY:
I didn't mean all the kids I...

TERRI:
Interjects and Smiles
Just remember to check your website for my messages and I'll see you on Thursday night

EDDY:
Relived
Yeah great I will and I'll, see you Thursday

SCENE: INT VAN - DAY
Eddy is driving with a smile on his face, He suddenly thinks on and begins to rummage through the glove box.

SCENE: BACK KITCHEN- DAY
Terri comes in quickly and opens a lap top on the kitchen table. She types in Bootle Burgermeister.com . She then takes her coat off and puts it over the back of the chair and then she looks at the screen and smiles fondly
On the screen is a picture of Eddy next to a massive diner truck that bears no resemblance to his actual van

SCENE: INT VAN - DAY

Eddy has found the CD he wants in the glove box and then reads the back of it as he is driving. He then mumbles to himself

EDDY:
Track 6 track 6

He puts the CD in and presses it to 6 with a flourish

SOUND TRACK

10CC's I'm not in love

The music plays as the van drives to the end of the road and indicates and turns out of sight

END OF EPISODE

Hello,

I've just read a bit of this and it's not "horrible" by any means.

What I will say about it is the same thing I've said about almost every script I've ever read: it needs pruning with a chainsaw!

In a good script, every line of dialogue serves a purpose - and every word in a line of dialogue serves a purpose too. any words that don't serve a purpose should be thrown out. In short, every line of dialogue should be as short as possible. I'm not saying that every line of dialogue should be short: there's nothing wrong with a long line of dialogue as long as every single word has to be there in order to make that line as good as it can possibly be.

Also, you should never miss an opportunity to get a laugh (or at least a smile). Let's take the beginning of your script: you have Eddie typing the word "OUTSIDE". There's nothing wrong with that, except that it's not funny - so why not make it "OWTSIDE"?

Just after that, we see the legend on his van, "Eddy's Hot Food." Again, there's nothing wrong with that, but wouldn't it be better as "Eddy's Hot Stuff". It would be even better if the camera closed in on the legend to reveal that somebody has written underneath. "Oh no, he isn't!".

The opening exchange would be funnier as:

EDDY ( SLIGHTLY TAKEN ABACK):
Are you Terry?

Terry is a new aged type in her mid-30's with a warm approach and a lot of beads around her neck. Her face drops as she sees Eddy's look.

TERRY:
Did you think I was a man? "Terry" is a girl's name as well, you know. It's bisexual.

.....................................................

I think most viewers might consider that a reasonably funny opening to a new sitcom. :D

Thanks for the read through and the pointers mate I will take them on board. As for the script itself if I got so much as a sniff of interest I would put the additional hours in and then some so that it was as tight as it could be. But sadly at the moment there's no interest in it so I put it up to see if the story line itself was ok ? I have quite a few of these which are only worth the polish if a visitor was expected.

I've just read the rest of it and, all things considered, it's pretty decent actually. I've certainly seen a lot worse. Smarmy

Thanks mate I'm glad you liked it, its more quaint than funny but it was a good exercise in the style and I enjoyed writing it.

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