To anyone interested this is a 30 minute pilot about a caravan park that I wrote and sent to a producer at the BBC but he couldn't read it because they had a caravan sitcom in production featuring Johnny Vegas. Its a more sober one than my normal madcap ones and I would be grateful for any feedback as I know a full sitcom read is a big ask.
FADE IN
EXT: DAY
A civic building a man & woman exit from a door with a sign on it that reads:
HMRC Foreclosure Auction Today
Lots include four bedroom house and contents
Ext: DAY CAR PARK
The man middle aged man and woman get in a car without speaking and then we see stock take of a motorway. The car then passes a sign reading
Buck Hall Holiday Park
The car then pulls up next to a caravan
INTERIOR OF CAR: DAYTIME
The two characters unbuckle their seatbelts as they prepare to get out of the car. The man glances at the woman and sees that she is almost smiling
BILLY:
We now officially have Buck Hall
KATE
I thought I'd feel worse than this to be honest
EXTERIOR: DAYTIME
The couple are out of the car and continuing their conversation across the roof of it.
BILLY:
I should have spotted her, the clues were there.
KATE:
She'd been with you for twenty years love, for god's sake how the hell are you supposed to know that a 54-year-old woman was having a mid-life crisis and was addicted to One Direction?
BILLY:
But it was all she ever went on about
KATE:
Well I spoke to her loads of times and I had no idea she'd rifled our accountants over it.
BILLY:
I should have twigged when her husband picked her up. One minute he was four foot nothing bald and riding a push bike the next he's picking her up in a sports car with elevated shoes and a mop of black hair
KATE:
The cops reckoned she spent ten grand alone trying to get that soft sod to look like Harry Styles. The rest went on hiring sports cars to go to concerts and an attic full of memorabilia; she paid six grand of our money for the sheets off the hotel bed that Zayne slept in
BILLY:
Isn't that the one who left?
KATE:
Apparently when she found out she ripped the sheets to pieces
BILLY:
That's what I mean, she does that and gets 18 months in an open prison and look what we're left with! She's probably better off than us
The couple survey the site then get suitcases out of the boot of the car and start putting them next to the caravan as they do so the continue talking. Billy takes a shoe box out of the car with great care and places it on a plastic garden table that is outside the caravan.
Kate watches this she shakes her head in disbelief but similes the couple continue to talk as they empty the car of luggage and boxes
KATE:
Well at least we're not homeless
BILLY:
But for how long?
KATE:
Don't start that again, you heard the judge; your Uncle Derek gave you this place with his last breath
BILLY:
He shouted "Make sure our Billy gets Buck Hall" everyone knows what he meant, if he would have had his teeth in....
KATE:
Well he never did he? So despite your cousins and their lawyers the judge said that this place is yours and that's that!
BILLY:
What if they appeal?
KATE:
They'll be wasting money they haven't got. Judges are like doctors they don't overturn each other's decisions. It's a closed shop always has been
BILLY:
Everyone knows he never liked me either. After I accidental ran over his cat. Every time I went there the two of them used to stir at me like I'd done it on purpose. Then the cat would limp across the room for full effect
KATE:
Well at least you went to see him, which is more than they ever did they? They sent him a card at Christmas if he was lucky
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
Kate enters and looks around; she is clearly gutted at the state of the caravan. She looks at the sink in disgust and opens a cupboard and takes out a disposable BBQ in a foil tray, as she does so she near to tears
Billy enters carrying the shoe box he looks around and is also clearly devastated by the state of the caravan. He speaks to Kate who has her back to him
BILLY:
There's no gas love there's not even a bottle for it.
Kate still has her back to Billy and is upset but gathers herself up works on her composure then turns to answer Billy as she does she holds out the disposable BBQ and her tone is very upbeat.
KATE:
Well we'll have to have a BBQ under the stars on our first night then won't we it'll be nice to get back to basics?
BILLY:
Basics? They had more gear in the Bridge over the river Kwai
Kate sees Billy's bottom lip is going so she bucks up and go's over to Billy and cuddles him in an encouraging manner as she speaks
KATE:
Come on love we've been here before, so we got swindled, what have we lost? A business that took up every hour of the day
BILLY:
But we worked hard for it love, it was our home
KATE:
Ledber Street where we brought the kids up, that was our home all we lost was a show house and snooty neighbours, you know we never really fitted in there love.
BILLY:
I got on well with Justin & Miles
KATE
You're a builder love, all people like them ever wanted was free advice or half price jobs.
BILLY:
Miles offered me legal advice once we found out what happened
KATE:
He made you an appointment with his secretary and all she did was give you a list of Legal Aid solicitors! I could have done that myself and saved you the bus fare
EXTERIOR OF CARAVAN; NIGHT
Billy & Kate are sat in plastic garden chairs at a plastic table eating there are chip paper wrappers etc on the table. Billy eats the chips as he speaks
KATE::
We'll we're going to need gas, that shop in town we went into might have it, the one that sells buckets and spades and all seaside stuff
BILLY:
Are you kidding those robbing sods wanted three quid for a Candy Floss, imagine what they want for gas? I'll scout round for builders merchants; we might have to buy in bulk anyway. But gods knows what we can do if they ALL need gas and stuff if that's the case we're dead before we start
KATE:
We'll just have to get them tidy and habitable, once we rent them out the deposits will pay for the gas.
BILLY:
There's thirty five caravans love and if this one's anything to go by, then we're going to have our work cut out making them bearable never mind habitable
KATE:
Our Kevin will be here first thing he'll give us a hand, you can scout around see how things work, you're good with engines and stuff love, there might be a generator for electricity
BILLY
According to the tags on that lump of keys they gave us there's a tool shed somewhere?
KATE:
See its stating to come together already we'll have this place ship shape and full of family's having happy holidays in no time!
Billy stretches as he speaks and stands
BILLY:
You're right; we've done harder than this. Well it's obviously going to be a big day tomorrow so an early night won't do us any harm
KATE:
Not too early I hope?
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: BEDROOM MORNING Y
Billy & Kate are asleep in bed; they are woken by knocking on the caravan door. They both get up and go to the door in their night wear
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN; DOORWAY DAY
A young man in his late teens with a back pack is standing at the door as it opens; he looks and sounds slightly annoyed
kEVIN:
Here you are! This is the fifth caravan I've been to looking for you two
BILLY:
Fifth one, why didn't you just look for the car?
KATE:
It's a hire car love remember
KEVIN:
Some holiday park this place is. Every caravan I knocked at was full of narky pensioners, one old bat said she'd already rang the police.
BILLY:
Oh you haven't been around the long term resident park have you? That's all we need, they think they own this place as it is.
KATE:
Come in love
Kevin smiles and is led into the caravan by Kate who fusses over him and takes off his back pack in a motherly fashion
Kevin looks around the caravan, his dismay is evident
KEVIN:
This is a bit bleak
Kate is standing behind Billy and opens her eyes wide at Kevin as if to say don't say that it will upset your dad.
KATE:
Yeah but you can see the potential
Kevin instantly comprehends what is required of him
KEVIN:
Yeah, oh yeah. Loads of potential, by the time I'm due back at uni you won't recognise this place
There is a knock on the caravan door, the characters look at each other as if to say who 'Who could that be? Billy then opens the door. A middle-aged man in a body warmer is standing at the door holding a large envelope. His manner and tone are very formal
MAN
As the entire site is now wide awake I thought I might take the opportunity of handing you this
The man hands the envelope to Billy who takes it with a puzzled look
BILLY:
What is it?
MAN:
It's a list of all facilities that are in disrepair
BILLY:
You mean like a 'To do list'?
MAN:
Actually it's a 'Must Be Done' list; should you fail to rectify the repairs on this list within one calendar month we have the right to cite you to the council as a Rogue Landlord
BILLY:
Rogue landlord, I only took possession yesterday!
MAN:
Never the less you are now the registered owner and the faults listed are deemed to the minimum acceptable. I might add that failure to meet the standard will lead to you being prosecuted
Billy is struggling to stay calm, as he prepares to answer Kate pushes to the front and takes the envelope using her best fake smile
KATE:
Thanks we'll have our solicitor go over it and we'll get back to you
MAN:
I think they'll find all the requests are legal and binding, the council's legal department helped us to draft it.
The man smirks as he leaves. Kate and Billy then step back into the caravan and Billy opens the envelope
KATE:
How bad is it?
Billy holds out three separate sheets of paper as if to show how bad it is. He then starts to read out the demands
BILLY:
Adequate lighting on all paths and public access routes to be engaged from dusk till dawn
KATE:
Where do they think they are Blackpool?
BILLY:
Restructure all waste retaining receptacles depositors?
Kate looks puzzled by the last request so Kevin helps her out.
KEVIN:
It means fix the bin sheds
BILLY:
Replace external shower and washing facilities providing full disabled access and provision for 24-hour usage
Billy sits down and waves the list he is clearly dejected
BILLY:
We haven't got the money to build that, even if we did have you couldn't do it in 30 days, looks like it's over before it starts, we might as well sell the land to the council, they're the only ones who want it
KATE:
That's because they won't give anyone else planning permission, they want to pay us buttons and then build sixty bungalows on the site!
BILLY:
And I bet I know who's been promised the first ten, looks like our long term residents are planning on switching to permanent
KEVIN
How do you know all this?
Kate takes the list from a dejected Billy and surveys it as she walks around the caravan
KATE:
Your Uncle Derek's solicitor told us. He had these papers served on him last week, he said this lot make the Taliban look like the Tweenies and he reckons they're in cahoots with the council!
Billy stands up and gathers himself; he then takes a large bunch of keys off the window ledge and indicates for Kevin to follow him.
BILLY:
Right then let's go and look at these jobs, starting with the bin sheds, we might as well see what we're up against.
Billy & Kevin exit the caravan as Kate starts to tidy up
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
Kate is in the kitchen area as Billy and Kevin return and the she makes three cups of tea and places them on the dining table as she speaks
KATE:
How does it look?
BILLY:
Well we fixed the bin sheds and there are enough tools for us to do the minor repairs ourselves
KATE:
There you go little acorns
BILLY:
This place is more like a coconut shy, everything's been knocked over. We're kidding ourselves love the work needed on the showers and toilets alone will set us back thousands
KATE:
We can get round that once the bookings start coming in
BILLY:
You don't get it love; if we don't fix the showers we don't get a licence to trade
KEVIN:
But haven't they've all got bogs and showers in their own caravans
BILLY:
That's not the point, providing communal facilities is the law, you can't run a campsite without them!
KEVIN:
Well we could start by dragging those bushes down, so we can at least see what needs doing
BILLY:
You can't because that's not a bush it's a young sessile oak
KEVIN:
A what?
BILLY:
Quercus robur, it's a monoecious, that means the male and female flowers are found on the same tree unlike other oaks and its acorns..................
KEVIN:
Here we go David Attenborough's at it; it's a good job the shoe box isn't here
KATE
It is
BILLY:
If the job ever does get done we'd have to move around it and that's going to cost even more!
KATE:
Why is it protected?
BILLY:
To a degree, you can fell them, but you need permission off the council
KEVIN:
Then we're best chopping it down now before they get wind of it
BILLY:
I wouldn't chop one of them down; anyway that idiot who just knocked had a gold RSPB badge so he'll definitely know it's a sessile oak
KEVIN:
A gold badge, you probably know more than him about bird's
BILLY:
No he's a twitcher I used to be an egger, there's a world of difference when I was a kid I collected eggs, I know that's wrong now, but he never touches the eggs he just watches them.
KATE:
Out of interest what's the rarest egg you got love
Billy looks surprised
BILLY:
You should know that I showed you them a million times
KATE:
Yeah I erm keep forgetting
Kevin & Kate smile at each other as Billy enthusiastically gets his shoe box out of the cupboard he opens it on his lap with reverence, it is full of matchboxes. He opens one matchbox it has cotton wool in the base and two small birds eggs in it. He holds an egg up as he speaks
BILLY:
The Dusky Thrush, it very rarely visits let alone nests, I got this when I was 12. Not one of my mates had ever seen one let alone owned two of them
KATE:
Are they that rare?
BILLY:
If one comes over it can cause a mass twitch
KATE:
Is that what the Maastricht Treaty was about on the news?
BILLY:
Not Maastricht, Mass Twitch it means bird watchers come from all over the place to see it
KATE:
What if it nested?
BILLY:
That would be something else entirely
KATE:
Would they protect it?
It then dawns on Billy what Kate is suggesting
BILLY:
Protect it they wouldn't let you get within five hundred yards of it!
KATE:
What if it was found nesting in a sessile oak?
BILLY:
That would be like locating the Holy Grail and finding out its also full of diamonds
Billy looks at the egg he is holding and there are smiles all round
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN MORNING
Kate is in bed and is awoken by a dull distant noise; she looks at the clock it shows 08.39. She jumps up and puts a dressing gown on and ties it hurriedly as she walks into the kitchen area.
Kevin is sat at the table eating a truly disgusting looking fried breakfast
KATE:
Do you really have to fry everything you eat? There is a grill on that thing you know
KEVIN:
Have you seen how long it takes? I left two sausages under there for an hour and they were still cold and pink in the middle when I ate them, it nearly made me sick
KATE:
Where's your dad?
KEVIN:
Who Bear Grylls? He went out in his camouflage gear at half five this morning
KATE:
Half five?
KEVIN:
Yeah
KATE:
How do you know? You've only been up ten minutes yourself I heard you putting the kettle on, and start frying everything in the cupboards
KEVIN:
He got dressed in my room so he didn't wake you up
KATE:
I hope he hasn't gone to do something stupid
Billy enters the caravan wearing well-worn camouflage clothing, he is clearly pleased with himself
KATE:
Where have you been?
BILLY
Taking care of business
EXTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
The man in the body warmer has another envelope to deliver, Kevin sees him from the kitchen window
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
KEVIN:
Here's that idiot again he's probably found more stuff that needs fixing
Kate is a holding a cup in both hands and looks worried, she then almost whispers to Billy
KATE:
He must have seen you do it!
Billy smiles with great confidence
BILLY:
Not a chance, when it comes to creeping around nest sites I've being doing it since I was kid, the police used to give my photo to gamekeepers to keep in their sheds
EXTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
The man in the body warmer is knocking on the caravan door. Billy opens the door but as he does so he steps out of the caravan and begins putting on his muddy wellies. He holds his hand out to detect rain as he speaks
BILLY:
Mate if that's another to do list it will have to wait; I'm already up to my neck with the last one you gave me. I've got to chop and burn those bushes at the side of the shower block before it starts raining
MAN
That bush as you call it, is a sessile oak and it's protected
BILLY
I don't care if it's in the mafia; I'm moving the nest then chopping the tree down before it starts raining again
MAN:
What nest?
BILLY:
I don't know a sparrow or something
MAN:
Sparrows don't nest in sessile oaks
BILLY
It could be a frigging parrot for all I know? Anyway how come you know it's not a sparrow you haven't even seen it!
The man proudly indicates a gold badge on his body warmer as he speaks
MAN:
Because as well as being head of the Residents Association I am also the voluntary coordinator for the RSPB in this region
BILLY:
RSB? is that something to do with bushes?
MAN:
It's R.S.P.B and the B stands for birds not bushes, its full title is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds
BILLY
Yeah well you can move the nest then can't you I was only going to put it in the bin anyway
The man storms off toward the showers as Billy takes off his wellies and goes back into the caravan
INTERIOR CARAVAN: DAY
Kate and Kevin had clearly overheard the exchange. Kate seems worried
KATE:
DO you think he fell for it?
BILLY:
Hook line and sinker. He's on his way to it now
KATE:
But will it fool him?
BILLY:
No problem , I noticed a thrush nest the other day by the bin sheds so I got that and roughed it up a bit, the Dusky thrush isn't a good a nest builder as the common thrush, so it looks bang on
KATE:
So what do we do now, just sit and wait?
Billy takes a note out of his pocket and gives it to Kate as he replies
BILLY:
Not a bit of it, this is a three pronged caper, so you and our Kevin can go down the wholesalers and get what's on that list. I have a feeling we may need to cater for guests
Kate surveys the list with a worried face
KATE:
Billy you do know we're on a financial tightrope as it is
Billy holds his hands as though in prayer as he speaks
BILLY:
Just go with it love please
KATE:
But what if it doesn't work? All this stuff will be wasted:
BILLY:
Love I know what I'm doing honestly. I'll tell you what while you're in town you can go to the council and pick up the plans for the shower block we'll need them anyway
KATE:
We've just about enough to pay for the blue prints, never mind the work!
Billy smiles to reassure her but Kate only half smiles back. Billy and Kate kiss and hug as Kevin leaves with the car keys indicating his mum should follow
EXTERIOR: WHOLESALE WAREHOUSE CAR PARK: DAY
Kate and Kevin are struggling as they carry buns, milk Styrofoam cups and a giant bag of tea bags etc across the car park and place it into the car and the boot.
INTERIOR OF CAR: Day
Kate is driving slowly into the camp and is greeted by a handmade sign saying PARKING £10. As she drives on slowly several people with binoculars pass her car on foot making their way into the camp.
INTERIOR OF CARVAN
USK
Billy is at the table, there are bunches of keys and wads of money in piles on the desk, he looks up and smiles as Kate and Kevin enter the caravan. He then talks excitedly as he passes them in order to leave the caravan
BILLY:
Hello love, I'll be with you in a minute I just need to get these keys over to the top field I've managed to let every van up there for three nights each and I even wangled fifty quid deposits, going by how dirty their wellies are they won't be getting that back either.
Billy brushes past Kate and pecks her cheek as he leaves the caravan
BILLY:
I'll be two minutes
As Billy leaves Kate walks over and inspects the table; there are stacks of bank notes being held down by neat piles of coins. Kate and Kevin look at each other and smile. Billy enters carrying two buckets and starts enthusiastically filling the buckets in the sink as he shouts over the sound of the taps to Kate and Kevin.
BILLY:
I found two tea urns in the old showers, they worked first go so I cleaned them up and I've been using some plastic cups I found in the caravan nearest the gate, so I set up shop there and I'm getting two quid a cup.
KATE:
Billy what the hells going on, why is there hundreds of people walking round the camp at half nine at night! ..........Two quid a cup?
BILLY:
They're twitchers love hundreds of them and there's more on the way.
KATE:
Oh my god Billy I didn't know it would get this big
BILLY:
You'd better brace yourself then, the internet's nearly crashed twice since it got out that there's a Dusky Thrush nest with eggs here.
KEVIN:
You're charging two quid for a cup of tea?
BILLY:
I was but I ran out of tea bags ten minutes ago, thank god you're back. If you can get that other stuff I sent you for on the go, we can easily charge three quid for a hotdog and a fiver for a burger.
Kate and Kevin hurriedly start to work in the kitchen. Kate opens a very large tin of hot dogs then gets a pan and fills it with water puts the hotdogs on the cooker and starts slicing the hot dog buns.
Kevin has a large box of burgers. He takes the grill pan out of the cooker and places the burgers on it is disappointed to see he can only fit four burgers on it. Kate spots this and gives Kevin the frying pan and they both smile and start working hard.
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: NIGHT
The caravan lights are on low; Billy Kate and Kevin are sat on the sofas under the window drinking tea with their feet up on the coffee table.
Billy looks at his watch as he speaks
BILLY
It's nearly half one, and all the twitchers are bedded down for the night. I told them it's off season so they didn't mind the state of the caravans; anyway they're so excited they would have paid to sleep out in the open
Kevin stands up and yawns, he speaks as he goes to his bedroom
KEVIN:
Well I'm off to bed; the twitchers plan to start again at five so I need a few hours kip before I reopen the café caravan. Tell you what dad you did well there, we're making a bomb
Billy is beaming with pride but Kate looks worried and cuddles into Billy as she speaks
KATE:
What happens once they find out that those eggs are old ones love?
BILLY:
They won't, I know the game like the back of my hand love, they'll Twitch for three days and if the bird doesn't turn up they'll move on. Then the RSPB will go in and declare the nest dormant.
KATE:
Then nosey arse will see what you've done
BILLY:
He won't find anything, I'll be in at four in the morning to move the eggs and leave this
Billy pulls out a black feather
KATE:
What's that?
BILLY:
A magpie feather there's magpies all over this place and Magpies are known for stealing eggs
KATE:
I'm not bothered about moaning arse but those other people are being duped
BILLY:
No they're not, as far as they're concerned they're watching a rare birds nest with eggs in. It's all they want to do in life so they're as happy as Larry honestly. When I left they were singing
KATE:
It's still a bit....
BILLY:
No it's not stop worrying, you want to see how happy they all are, no wonder they're called twitchers they can't sit still there that excited!
KATE:
Can we keep this up for three days?
BILLY:
I can't see why not, here's a 24-hour Asda on the ring road so we're fine for hot dog buns tea & milk
Kate still looks unsure about the situation and as she begins to express her doubts.
KATE
Don't you think it's all a bit...
BILLY:
We're just fighting back love. These twitchers are all in four wheel drives and have got top of the range German binoculars they're rolling in dough. It's like the grotto, you pay for your kid to see Santa, you may know he's not real but you feel better for seeing him. Now let's go to bed we're back on duty in four hours.
The couple switch of the wall lights and go to the bedroom
INTERIOR OF CARAVANAY
Kate is at the table dejectedly reading a letter as Kevin enters dressed in overalls and carrying tools, He starts the conversation as normal then realise his mum is worried and that his dad is absent
KEVIN:
That's the last of the caravan cleaned even the ones those twitchers used last week are sparkling clean and all they have new gas bottles attached....What's up, where's dad?
KATE:
He's gone down to the Town Hall with the blue prints, today's the last day, once the council see we can't meet the standard we'll be shut down
Kevin looks out of the window as he speaks
KEVIN:
This doesn't look good either
They look out of the caravan window
EXTERIOR CARAVAN: DAY
The man in the body warmer is talking to another man who has a clipboard. They are having a slightly animated conversation. The man with the clipboard then gets a call on his mobile and walks about as he takes the call. He finishes the call and issues a thumbs up to the man in the body warmer and then walks up to the door of the caravan and knocks
INTERIOR OFFICE CARAVAN: DAY
Kate and Kevin have seen this exchange and brace themselves as the knock comes, Kate smooth's down her clothes and fixes her hair and tries to be as cool and as pleasant as she can as she opens the door
MR DAVIS
I'm Colin Davis from the Councils Rogue Landlord Team
KATE:
It's always nice to put a face to a threatening letter
MR DAVIS
Yes quite, sadly my news is not good I'm afraid I've just been informed that the meeting in regards to the sites facilitates finished an hour ago and the outcome wasn't good I'm afraid
EXTERIOR OF CARAVAN: DAY
Billy drives up in a car and gets out in a great mood; he walks past the man in the body warmer who has his arms folded smirking. Billy throws his keys in the air and catches them as he passes the man and then almost bounces into the caravan.
INTERIOR OFFICE CARAVAN: Day
As Billy enters he can see that Kate and Kevin look beaten. Mr Davis see's Billy is in a good mood, so he smirks as he speaks
MR DAVIS
I was just telling your good lady that sadly your plans for the renovation of the showers was declined as such you've automatically defaulted on the tenant's requirements I'm afraid
BILLY:
I've just got from there, it wasn't declined it was embargoed
MR DAVIS:
Embargoed, declined same difference
BILLY:
On the contrary there's a world of difference, the entire top field has an embargo on it for the next two years as it's been recognised as a nesting site of the Dusky Thrush, which is apparently a very rare bird
MR DAVIS
I'm reliably informed that you thought it was a sparrow
BILLY:
Whatever the thing is all that matters is that I'm banned from doing any work in that area for two years.
MR DAVIS
My case in point entirely as such without the facilities we simply cannot issue you a licence to trade or seek rental payments from existing occupants and...
BILLY:
You're not listening mate, you're just waiting to speak. Let me put it to you slowly so you can understand it. According to the law the council is obliged to ban anything that could disrupt the nesting area.
MR DAVIS NODS
Billy (cont)
Now as their ban impedes my right to trade but is not a permanent ban the councils OWN legal time has stated that they are required to supply me with alternative facilities
Mr Davis is shell shocked
Billy (cont)
So they'll be dropping off two trialers that hold 10 shower
Units and ten toilets this afternoon, free of charge of course
Mr Davis is incensed and is struggling to conceal his anger as he knows he has been thwarted he almost spits as he talks
MR DAVIS
You had no intention of doing that work, your just saying that because of that stupid bird!
BILLY:
It's not a stupid bird Mr Davis it's a rare one
Billy goes to a draw and takes out some blueprints which he almost throws at Mr Davis
BILLY: cont
There's the blue prints, check the date if you like, we paid for them before anyone had even heard about this bloody bird. I'm as gutted as you are, this embargo has put our plans for the full refurbishment of the showers back two years and god knows how long if it turns up again!
Mr Davis storms off. Billy Kate and Kevin all celebrate by jumping around and hugging each other. Kate then sits Billy down as they listen to his account
KATE:
Go on then tell us what happened?
BILLY:
The clerk was all for shutting us down if we couldn't show that we were planning to start the work within seven days. So I got the blue prints out and was in the middle of promising to have tractors and cranes on site by tomorrow morning when all hell broke loose.
They all giggle and look fascinated
BILLY: cont
All of a sudden these bird watchers stormed the office and chained themselves to the radiators.
Kate claps and squeals with delight
BILLY: cont
Then a BARRISTER representing the RSPB came in and told the council that if one brick was moved on that site he would personally see them imprisoned.
Kate claps with joy and Kevin smiles like a Cheshire cat
BILLY: cont
So then the next minute the barrister threatened me with imprisonment
Kates face drops and Kevin looks terrified
KATE:
Imprisonment!
Billy smiles as broad as he can as he replies
BILLY:
I was told in no uncertain terms that if I try to do any work to renovate the showers for at least two years I will be imprisoned. So as you can see my hands are tied, as much as I wanted to do it I can't now, if I did I get arrested.
The three characters high five and hug and jump around in celebration, Kate then gets cold feet again
KATE:
What about residents committee they won't take this lying down?
BILLY:
That's the beauty of it love, everything they demand I can tell them it has to go through the courts, the council and the RSPB in case it harms the birds nesting patterns. They haven't got a leg to stand on
KATE:
I never doubted you for a minute
KATE kisses Billy on the nose
BILLY:
Right let's get started we've got a camp to run
KATE:
I can go through the books and email or ring anyone who stayed here last year, let them know that the rates are reduced
BILLY:
Kevin and I can jet wash the outside of the vans and start draining the pool, it's not in that bad a shape there's a few tiles missing, and I can clean the filter myself
Billy and Kevin exit
Kate starts getting out folders and opening her lap top out on the kitchen table she then gets her mobile from her bag and puts it next to the lap top as she sets up a little office.
Billy then enters wiping his hands with a rag, Kate looks up from her work at the table and smiles
BILLY:
Well we now officially have a swimming, once the chlorine settles, how it is going your end
KATE:
Fantastic I've just had twenty German Sheppard's make a block booking for the whole of June
BILLY:
You can't have dogs running around the camp love, it'll cause murder
KATE:
They're not dogs; they're real Shepard's from Germany they're coming for over the county fare season, and they're paying their deposit by Pay Pal I've just set an account up
BILLY:
That's brilliant love
Kate
I'll do follow ups on the ones who inquired about booking rates, I could offer to undercut any quotes they already have, if it comes to it.
BILLY:
Well I've given our Kevin the night off, the car and sixty quid so he's off to see his old mates form college and he's staying over with them. So why don't I put the tools away, you put your office away and we can order in a Chinese and open that wine you got yesterday
KATE
Don't put all your tools away love
Billy smiles as he exits the caravan
EXTERIOR OF CARAVAN; EARLY EVENING
Billy is carrying a tool box, the man in the body warmer walks up to him
MAN:
Ahh just the person I wanted to see, did you get my note about clearing the weeds at the back of the site?
BILLY:
I got the note but I can't promise anything any time soon I'll have to go through channels just in case what that bird eats lives in there I can't disturb its habitat I'd get arrested.
MAN:
As the regional head of the RSPB I can assure you that those weeds form no part of a Dusky Thrush's diet
BILLY:
That's not what I heard
MAN:
Oh and pray what do you know of the subject
BILLY:
I know the Dusky Thrush eats berries and those hedgerows are berry so I can't do a thing I'm afraid
MAN:
You think you're so smart don't you
BILLY:
Winks
Well I think I could easily identify a false Turdus Eunomuse nest, when I saw one, which is more than you can say!
The man's face drops as he realizes that Billy has kidded him. Billy smirks as the man storms off.
INTERIOR OF CARAVAN: NIGHT
Billy is standing in front of Kate who is in her nightgown and is livid
KATE:
You told him! I can't believe it! You actually told him
BILLY:
Relax love, I never said anything outright, but you should have seen his face when the penny dropped
KATE:
I'll see his face alright he'll be here with the cops and the council in ten minutes
BILLY:
He won't love that's the beauty, if he admits I conned him he'll look like an idiot to his committee and have to resign his role in the RSPB for calling a bogus twitch. On top of that he knows I'll deny I said anything, No I got him where I want him
KATE:
And where's that?
BILLY:
He'll be pacing up and down his caravan pulling his own hair out, like he had me doing.
KATE:
He'll be back he knows we played dirty so he'll do the same
BILLY
He was always coming back anyway love, we just have to make sure that we're one step ahead of him.
Kate looks reassured she smiles then holds out a note pad as she speaks
KATE:
I've been thinking we should really cash in what do you think about calling this place 'The Dusky Thrush Sanctuary'
Billy goes to the caravan doors and looks out into the night as he speaks
BILLY:
That sounds like a NHS Clinic love, anyway we might have started with Buck Hall but I get the feeling things are about to change for the better, so I think we should keep the name until it does
END
