In the darkest corner of the dinning room standing dressed in casual slacks and a polo shirt is a rather deranged looking David Cameron with gun in hand.
With a simple wave of the pistol Simon Templar style he orders Theresa May and Bojo to one side away from Chronic the butler.
TM
I don't know what your game is David but you'll never get away with it?
DC
Please call me Dave , and oh yes I will , every step has been carefully planned
BOJO
Cammers don't be a dam fool , this isn't isn't high jinx after evensong were we kick some oik of a school porter half to death and then pay orf the family.
DC
Boris for once in your life just shut the f**k up
Chronic coughs with a white gloved hand
CHRON:
Shall I serve tea sir? I know that cryptically and slowly unveiling plans can be very taxing on ones larynx
DC
Serve this you nonce!
David Cameron shoots Chronic right through the heart
DC
I'm taking you two to meet a surprising bunch of people. Now on the way there don't try any funny stuff, since I left office I have spent most afternoons watching ITV4 and once you've seen every episode of the Professionals and the Sweeny you get to know every trick in the book.
BOJO
Every episode of the Sweeny?
DC
Bar one, yesterday it was a very rare two parter , but thanks to Danny Dyer pointing out my absence , we had to bring the plan forward a day. The stupid twat!
TM
We? We? I should have known you couldn't have planned this on your own David , you're a side kick at best! So where are you taking us ? To see the real brains of the outfit?
DC
Lets just say that you where both going to Hell anyway, so we thought it would be ironic if we sent you there from there
BOJO
You're talking gibberish Cammers. of I was you I'd ditch this caper and go and see matron as you could be coming down with something
DC
Move now slags
David Cameron ushers Bojo and the PM out and into a Range Rover at gunpoint
TM
Where is my security team
David Cameron smiles insanely.
DC
Oh they may well be attending a little van crash that killed half of the cabinet
Bojo and the PM both speak at once
BJ & TM
Please say you got McVey ?
Cameron nods as he puts them in the Range Rover which is being driven by a gigantic Jamaican man called Big Willy
As they speed out of Chequers they pass Miss Busyshit and the Joyce Grenfell Appreciation Society . The girls have ditched the Morris Police car and have instead opted to take a 1958 Drop Back Bedford removal truck in order to accommodate the 27 menopausal 'girls who are waving hockey sticks and tennis rackets that are still in their wooden frames with the wing nut tightened.
As Miss Busyshit enters the now almost deserted Chequers she is met at the door by the still very much alive Chronic
BS
Chronic what on earth has happened?
CHRON
It was Dave Cameron ma'am he's taken the PM & the Foreign Secretary at gunpoint. He shot me in the heart and if it wasn't for this pocket spittoon that Lord Kitchener gave me I'd be dead
Chronic then holds out a pocket spittoon with a bullet hole in it that is seeping phlegm.
Miss Busyshit baulks and the recovers
BS
Think on Chronic did he say where he was taking them ?
CHRON
He didn't make much sense , he said he was taking them to hell and then hell?
Busyshit ponders then clicks her fingers
BS
Of course the Hell Fire Club, their caves only ten minutes away
Miss Busyshit hurries out and fills the girls in on whats happening as they drive along the A4010.
At the Hell Fire Clubs Caves David Cameron tells Big Willy to stand guard at the entrance as he leads Bojo and May down into the bowels of the cave across the River Styx and into the Inner Temple.
As they enter the Inner Temple Bojo and the May are shocked to see a whole array of people tied to chairs.
From left to right they can see Jeremy Hunt . A badly Bruised Liam Fox is next to him and then a glassless Micheal Gove is sat next to Savid Javed who is next to a rather groggy Philip Hammond and next to them on a chair but not tied up is Jeremy Corbyn. At the back of the room holding a gun is the biggest shock of all Tony Blair !!!!
TM
Blair! I had an idea you and Corbyn were behind this!
Corbyn is furious at the suggestion
JC
I'm not behind anything , I was lured into a van on false pretences I was told I was going to see a mural depicting Kier Hardie and Jerry Adams hugging Lenin.
TB
I knew that would get you Jezza
BOJO
Steady on Blair if Corbers isn't in on it then why isn't he tied up?
TB
As a follower of Lenin he more than any of us understands the need to kill anyone who could later become a counter counter revolutionary. But he can't do that because he is also a pacifist. As such he feels compelled to be murdered in order to establish that he was a counter revolutionary rather than be suspected of being a live but very tacky counter counter one .. like me and David here
DC
Its Dave Tony, Dave
TB
Yes quite , well we're all here so lets get down to brass tacks as they say
Bojo is stirring at Jeremy Hunt whose grin is even worse and who still has the scalpel sticking in his eye
BOJO
How is he still alive?
LF
I had him down for dead myself but I've examined him while were where held captive and from what I can tell the scalpel has only pierced the part of his brain where his empathy would be if he had any. To be honest its left him less empathetic
JH
What if I made the mentally ill work as part of as an Occupational Therapy scam?. They could work for Amazon for free, well allowing for our the usual kickbacks. Why should a hyper insomniac be sat up all night tying the nurse up , when they could be stacking shelves on the night shift and earning us a crust
TB
Enough of this crap , time for Operation Reboot
TM
Operation reboot ?
DC
Tell her Tony, tell her the exact way you told me
TB
You see Theresa this country is in so much of muddle at the moment that we are making a Push Me Pull me look like a cheetah
DC
A Push Me Pull me is off Dr Dolittle its like a lama but...
TB
They know that Davi.. Dave
BOJO
Why 'Reboot'? That's not Latin
TB
No it's not Boris well done, Reboot reflects the fact that these days every idiot in the world and his wife
JC
Or partner, not everyone is hetro...
David Cameron pistol whips Jeremy Corbyn
DC;
Shut the f**k up commie
JC
Actually I'm a....
David Cameron pistol whips him again
TB
Enough! As I was saying everyone in the country has a problem, sadly few of them are the same as the next persons and that was OUR problem But now we have a solution we just reboot the whole thing and unify everyone again
BOJO
Rebbot, thats brilliant actually , the plebs will be able to grasp that no problem
TM
And how will you create this Reboot ?
TB
Oh that is Deliciously simple, you see this cave system has been wired with explosives all bought on a cloned version of Jacob Reece Moggs Coutts & co card.
BOJO
You going to frame Old Moggy with the entire caper?
TB
Yes, but rather than worry about him appealing after he is convicted and uncovering evidence,. All we do is have him Knighted before the sentencing. That way , being the stuck up idiot that he is, he will no doubt demand to be hung with a silk rope in the House of Lords and that will be that!
JC
The other place, we have to call it the.....
David Cameron pistol whips Jezza once more
TM
And where do you to come into it?
TB
Well with the entire cabinet dead and the 1922 Committee looking like the killers, Dave and I will step forward and offer to save the country by rebooting it back to June 2001 in all but name
BOJO
You'd just won by a landslide and Cammers here had just entered parliament, that I must say that is fiendishly clever
TB
No market crash No Brexit !
TM
But they happened ?
TB
Do you remember Bobby Ewing Theresa ? He died but came back on the hit TV show Dallas? He came out the shower years after he was supposed to be dead and everybody was ok with it
TM
We never had a TV at the vicarage , Radio 3 was our limit, as my father the vicar would say 'You'll learn more from Bach and the bible' than you will from anything else
TB
So all we need do now is kill you all and let JRM get strung up the the Lords
JC
The other place
Cameron shots Jezza dead
DC
That f**king shut him up
TB
Once you're all dead we tell everyone that Dave and I will only come together to save the country if we all agree to pretend that nothing happened
DC
As way of a sweetener every household gets 2 grand en cash and we have the referendum in 2099
BOJO
Farage won't fall for it or his followers
TB
Leave Nigel to me he's a pragmatist! As for his followers this allows them to say they were robbed and they can then go back to being the perpetual victims. I'm sure they'd rather be that than have to come up with solutions that they know don't exist
DC
Lets do it Tony
Tony Blair gets the fuse ready as Dave Cameron ties Bojo and may to chairs
Meanwhile outside the cave Miss Busyshit and her girls are looking around the corner at Big Willy who standing with his arms folded in a tight T shirt that shows off his muscles
MB
Girls I need one of you to distract that guard, now this may sound shameful but one of you needs to try and seduce him so that I can get in the cave. Would anyone be willing to try and lure him into that barn for the sake of the country ?
Miss Busyshit is nearly trampled to death as the girls attempt to seduce Big Willy and then drag him screaming into the barn
At this point Blair and Cameron come running out of the tunnel and Blair spots Miss Busyshit and he shouts to Cameron
TB
Kill her Dave !
Cameron shoots Miss Busyshit dead as the cave explodes in flames
Back at Chequers Dave and Tony are walking arm in arm down the gravel path,
DC
Tony now remember it will have to be a coalition so don't try and Clegg me
TB
As if I would Dave
DC
Then how come I had to do all the murdering?
TB
We went over that Dave, remember I'm the one who always knows who needs killing and you're the one who likes to act rash, don't knock it mate it works
In Chequers Chronic the butler is at the bedroom window loading a Holland & Holland 12 bore over shotgun. He is muttering to himself
CHRONIC
This all stops now
FIN
