SCENE:
The Prime Ministers Office
The PM and Home Secretary Sajid Javid are in conversation with James Slack the Chief Press Officer.
MAY:
So why all the secrecy?
SLACK:
I'm as much in the dark as you ma'am
Door opens and a high ranking police officer enters
PLOD:
West Country Accent
I'm sorry about this ma'am but what I have to say is sensitive at the moment but I fear it will be public within hours
SLACK:
And you are?
PLOD:
Chief Superintendent Wallace Port of Bristol Police seconded to Thames Valley police for the Royal Wedding sir . I just came personal like to let you know that there's been a rather unfortunate incident with one of my men and a homeless person in Windsor tonight ma'am and I can see it being a tad controversial so I thought I would get you up to speed asap.
JAVID:
I thought I had all the homeless moved on out of camera shot?
PLOD:
We did sir. only this one was asleep in Union Jack sleeping bag so he was missed on the first sweep as they thought that he was one of those 'Wedding Watcher's and as you know we've been briefed to leave them alone and get in pictures with them if asked.
SLACK:
Impatient
You said there had been an incident?
PLOD:
Yes sir and a very gruesome one at that
MAY:
Bluster
Well as Vicars daughter officer I can assure you I will have heard worse from parishioners in my fathers study
JAVID:
More Bluster
Yeah and I was brought up in a council house so that automatically means that I've seen stuff normal people never see and that also makes me as hard as nails by default as as well.
SLACK:
Could you get to the point please
PLOD:
Well on the second sweep one of my lads noticed that this man only had one boot by his sleeping bag, so the officer thought it was being used as a sort of begging bowl?
SLACK:
And was it?
PLOD:
No it turns out he only had one leg he lost the other in Afghanistan
MAY:
Ashen
How, was he some sort of mule seller or something who stood on a mine?
PLOD:
Actually he was a sergeant in the British Army
SLACK:
That's not good
PLOD:
Thats not the worst sir, one of my lads thought he was being a bit lippy about his rights so he tasered him
MAY:
They tasered him!
JAVID
I hope it was it done by the book
PLOD
That and then some I'm afraid sir, he died at the scene
MAY:
Oh my god you've killed a homeless one legged solider
PLOD:
They didn't know he was a solider ma'am he just looked like any normal lippy black man to them ma'am
JAVID:
He was a black one legged homeless ex solider?
PLOD:
Yes sir
SLACK:
This right after Grenfell and Windrush
PLOD:
I'm sorry sir I didn't know that you knew the victim
SLACK:
I don't??
PLOD
You just said his name Grenfell Windrush
SLACK:
You're f**king joking !!!
Theresa May faints Sajid Javid starts kicking her prone body
The End
