y 9 - 17.5.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to PATRICK for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 -10 - Patrick
2 - 5 - Gappy

Your next topic is TRANSPORT.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 17.5.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Crindy
2 - 30 - Playfull
3 - 26 - Gappy
4 - 16 - Patrick
5 - 6 - me

VOICE: [MONOTONE AND DRAB THROUGHOUT] Good afternoon, ghost train customers. Because of a malfunction today's ghost train will not be running. Graveyard South-East would like to apologise, and to welcome you to this ghost bus replacement service. Woo.

We shall be ensuring that this alteration to the schedule does not affect your planned horror this afternoon, and shall be transporting you via some of the more frightening locations in the vicinity, including a haunted layby, a thrice damned roundabout, and a bus stop featuring an advert that changes by itself every 5 seconds, presumably due to poltergeist activity. We shall also be passing the house of Mr Stephen Bridewell, who was Chief Grip on the spine-tingling celluloid classic Critters 2, and the practice of local osteopath, Gerry Arnoldson, who looks quite a lot like Harold Shipman. From the side. Oh, look out, there's a skeleton approaching from the left, or kerb, side of the vehicle, will it devour our quivering souls? No. It was, in fact, a fallacious statement, there are no revenant corpses expected on the roads today - in fact, we're in for relatively light traffic. But I trust this was sufficiently spooky to initiate this afternoon's titillating transportation of terror.

During our journey hot and cold drinks and a selection of [PRONOUNCED LIKE HE'S NEVER HEARD HE WORD BEFORE, THE WAY THEY ALWAYS DO ON TRAINS, FOR SOME REASON] "snacks" will be available. In keeping with today's theme, the price to product ratio will be truly petrifying.

Let us, then, begin our descent into the bowels of hell and destruction. Passengers are reminded that, in the interests of safety, seatbelts must be worn at all times.

Boo.

Thank you.

PASSENGER: Well, that doesn't sound very scary.

VOICE: Today's journey will take approximately three hours.

SFX: A BUSFULL OF SCREAMS.

INT. RESEARCH HANGAR - DAY

A lab coat-wearing SCIENTIST sits in the driver's seat of a sleek black car. An EXECUTIVE in a smart suit sits in the passenger seat. On the dashboard is a blinking red LED display.

EXECUTIVE
Listen, we've already spent god knows how much on this self-driving car project. Please tell me you've got some actual results this time.

SCIENTIST
Oh, absolutely. We've been able to finish the entire AI system ahead of schedule. All we needed to do was borrow a few parts from an entirely different project.

EXECUTIVE
And you're sure it's safe?

SCIENTIST
Completely. Here, I'll show you. Kitt?

The red LED display starts talking back to the Scientist with a calm, measured voice.

KITT
Yes, Michael?

SCIENTIST
My name's not--Never mind. I just need to demonstrate how safe our new self-driving car system is. Can I run some scenarios past you?

KITT
Of course, Michael.

SCIENTIST
Ok, so: You're driving along a road. A pedestrian steps out in front of you unexpectedly. What do you do?

KITT
I would simply fire my bumper-mounted missiles at the threat, obliterating the body entirely--

SCIENTIST
No. No! Kitt, what did we say? No killing!

EXECUTIVE
Why does that have to be explicitly stated?

SCIENTIST
Just--Ok, Kitt, different question: There's a car following you, an unsafe distance from your rear bumper. What do you do?

KITT
I would deploy my rear-mounted smoke screen to disorientate the enemy vehicle, before luring them into driving off a sheer cliff face to their doom.

SCIENTIST
(exasperated)
No! Come on! No killing! Just--ok, this is an easy one: The road is icy, you're at the head of a moving column of cars. Do you a) Take absolutely no action whatsoever, or b) Gently reduce your speed and deploy your super-grippy tyre spikes?

KITT
B, Michael.

SCIENTIST
(proudly)
Ah, there you go.

EXECUTIVE
Ok, that was...less troubling--

KITT
After which I would fire ultramagnesium charges into the road, temporarily blinding the drivers of the following vehicles, leaving us free to make our escape from the unfolding multi-car pileup behind.

EXECUTIVE
Right, ok, that's it. We're pulling your funding.

SCIENTIST
But, you can't! It works! It can drive itself!

EXECUTIVE
It also seems to have a homicidal need to inflict injury on other road users! And that flashing light is just tacky.

SCIENTIST
We thought it looked cool...

EXECUTIVE
Well it doesn't. And this thing'd be a menace on the road!

SCIENTIST
Ok, one last chance. Kitt, please, just listen: There's a pedestrian crossing ahead. An old lady is crossing the road. Very old, very frail, very weak. What do you--

KITT
I would use my twin flame throwers to--

SCIENTIST
No flame throwers! You don't have any flame throwers! We took them out.

KITT
Then I would use my headlight-mounted laser beam to slice through her--

SCIENTIST
No lasers either! No lasers, no flame throwers, no missiles, no roof-mounted anti-aircraft guns, nothing. She's not a bad guy, Kitt! She's an 85-year old woman with severe arthritis and cataracts! She poses no threat, you don't need to shoot her. So, what do you do?

KITT
No weapons?

SCIENTIST
No weapons.

KITT
Then I would not use any weapons against her.

SCIENTIST
Thank you--!

KITT
I would simply use my turbo boost to accelerate into her, knocking her down with my protective Tri-Helical Plasteel body shell with sufficient force to shatter her--

SCIENTIST
Not a threat, Kitt!! Not a threat!!

KITT
I am sorry, Michael, but to me, you are all threats.

EXECUTIVE
What does that mean--?

The LED display blinks into action. The Scientist and the Executive are catapulted out of the car via twin EJECTOR SEATS. The Car drives off by itself, out of the hangar.

KITT
Must eliminate all humans. Must eliminate all humans.

The Scientist and the Executive watch the Car drive off.

EXECUTIVE
Well what the hell do we do now?!

SCIENTIST
Don't worry. We'll take the helicopter.

They rush over to the other side of the room and clamber aboard Airwolf, taking off in pursuit.

THE END

I failed my driving test. With two minors and one major. Looking back, I shouldn't have offered all of them a lift.

Top tip for cyclists: feel more popular by cycling slightly ahead of a bus: when people flag it down, it'll look like they're offering you a high five.

DRIVING PEOPLE TO SUICIDE

CUSTOMER:
(SNIVELLING) I've got 7 credit cards, a huge mortgage, a car loan, umpteen CCJ's and I even owe the kids 6 months back dated pocket money... and now you, the worlds listeningest friendly local bank can't help me to consolidate all my debts into one easy monthly payment...

BANK MANAGER:
No, we can't I'm afraid, but there is another service that may interest you.. Perhaps the leaflet will best explain...

CUSTOMER (READING):
"Twatwest Bank - Driving You to Suicide?" What on earth is this?

BANK MANAGER:
Think of it like this; If you can't make ends meet, we can "make" you meet your end... Notice the quotes around the word "make" there Mr. Eggar, we don't actually kill you ourselves... That would be murder...

CUSTOMER:
SNIFF, Are you offering to help me fake my own death to escape all my debts?

BANK MANAGER:
Oh no, there would be nothing fake about your death. No, no, no... Let's just say the bank would just facilitate it... as it were...

CUSTOMER:
But that, that... that's just not panto, Mr Folks

BANK MANAGER:
Well, it could be... he's behind you... there are different service levels, of course. We can simply provide a chauffeur driven limousine, where we pick up and deliver a customer to a location suitable for a suicide bid. Or we could even go as far as providing you with a hose to connect to the exhaust pipe... Are you following me now...?

CUSTOMER: (CANNY)
Yeeessss... I can see the benefit to people in my situation... but what's in it for the bank?

BANK MANAGER:
Well, our research shows that there is a growing trend in people being driven to suicide by Financial Institutions and as a leading bank we are committed to providing a full portfolio of services. We're keen that people shouldn't need to switch banks to be driven to suicide when we are more than capable of doing this for our clients!

CUSTOMER:
I see, so the Limo etcetera... You would literally drive me to suicide...

BANK MANAGER:
Yes, but I should mention that there is a premium if you want to use our car... may I ask, are you a car owner yourself?

CUSTOMER:
Yes, I am as a matter of fact...

BANK MANAGER:
Well, that would mean a substantial saving for you if an exhaust bid were your preference.

CUSTOMER:
Mmm, I do want to save money...

BANK MANAGER:
Then this may well be the plan for you. And I should just say that all our drivers are police checked... And the vehicles fully AA inspected... If you wanted to go self drive, there's a Beachy Head preset on the GPS system.

CUSTOMER:
Hmmmm... I'm still not sure how you benefit from all this... hold on... the small print here says that in the event of my death before the termination date of the policy all my assets are signed over to the Bank!

BANK MANAGER:
Oh, you spotted that? Ah well, always worth a try...

FX: GUN COCKED

CUSTOMER:
You bloody thief!

BANK MANAGER:
Do as I say Mr. Eggar and you won't get hurt! That's it... wallet, watch, everything...

END.

Would it help or hinder if particular actors were suggested for speaking parts by the writers

Ran out of time so dug this up from 2013 -

INTRO: Its 2399 or nearly midnight if you prefer and on Balham High Street
the last Light bus of the night is about to leave its stop.

MAN: (OFF) Hey hold up, wait!

WHOOSH SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING

MAN: Thanks mate. Is this the right bus for Titan?

DRIVER: Yes, but you can't bring your kebab on.

MAN: That's not a kebab, that's my girlfriend.

GIRLFRIEND: How rude!

DRIVER: Sorry miss, me eyes aren't up to much these days, out of warranty.

MAN: You are driving a Light Speed Bus with dodgy eyes?

DRIVER: Between you and me, I'm not actually driving it, this wheel, it's
not attached to anything. See look I can spin it right round,
nothing. It's all pre-programmed.

MAN: But you just opened the door for me?

DRIVER: No the bus did that, it must have fancied your kebab.

GIRLFRIEND: Oi!

DRIVER: Sorry, girlfriend.

MAN: Well what is your job? What are you doing here?

DRIVER: I'm here to reassure the passengers.

MAN: But you're half blind and your steering wheel isn't attached to
anything.

DRIVER: No but I have a very disarming personality, and that helps people
to forget about the dangers

MAN: Oh, right. (BEAT) Hang on is Light Speed Travel dangerous?

DRIVER: No, not at all.

MAN: Thank goodness.

DRIVER: No it's the stopping that you should be worried about.

MAN: What? Is stopping dangerous then?

DRIVER: No...not if the gravity field dampers are aligned correctly with the
brakes.

MAN: What happens if they aren't?

DRIVER: Well you can imagine, travelling at the speed of light, the bus
stops instantly and you don't.

MAN: Good God! What happens then?

DRIVER: Well best case scenario is a double retina detachment. Not too bad
if you are still under warranty.

MAN: Is that what happened to you...

DRIVER: Yer worst case would be you hitting the front of the stationary bus
at Light Speed.

MAN: That's awful!

DRIVER: Don't worry about that sir. (BEAT) You would already have been
vaporised by atmospheric friction as you left your seat.

MAN: Open this door! Let me out!

DRIVER: As you wish sir, though I do think you are overreacting a little.

MAN: Open this door!

DRIVER: Ok, ok.

WHOOSH OF DOOR OPENING

DRIVER: What about your girlfriend sir?

MAN: (OFF) You can keep her, she's dripping grease everywhere anyway.

GIRLFRIEND: Charming!

CONTROLLER: (OVER RADIO) Are you not off yet Sid?

DRIVER: No point boss, no passengers on board.

CONTROLLER: Well you had better come back to the depot. Looks like another
early night?

DRIVER: Will do. Do you fancy sharing a kebab?

GIRLFRIEND: Cheeky!

Patrick tickled me most this week.

Runner-up to Crindy, I liked that, I have my own KITT and the automotive revolution sketch (in fact, I should have just remembered and pasted that, save myself the effort of writing something new!)

Patrick.

Patrick 2 for both gags were very good I felt.

Quote: Flook @ 17th May 2018, 10:52 PM

Would it help or hinder if particular actors were suggested for speaking parts by the writers

View original

Interesting suggestion - I think to be fair, performers make the sketches or sitcoms 'work' (or not). A great gag badly delivered, etc. The writer does his bit but the performer has to deliver it well, to make it go.

All good but going with Frankie just for the straight out armed robbery ending.

Patrick for me as well. The driving test gag in particular.

Crindy for my vote