neqè09u kh809y v0 m 26.4 - 4.5.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY and PLAYFULL for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Crindy, Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, me

Your next topic is LEISURE.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 4.5.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Crindy
2 - 30 - Playfull
3 - 21 - Gappy
4 - 6 - Patrick, me

LEISURE?? OK : bags I first slot then..

Is this thread title the new Autechre album?

That's not my entry.

Unless I can't think of anything else.

Quote: gappy @ 26th April 2018, 7:23 PM

Is this thread title the new Autechre album?

View original

No, but it is my TSB password!

I feel sorry for full time rally drivers and full time gangsters because video games aren't much of a break for them.

Last time I played video games, I got addicted to a game called Fallout 3. I was playing the game so much that "Fallout 3" also became the description of my marriage at the time.

Jamie Oliver is a great cook: but I must say that in all his tv shows and cook books I've never seen him do any of the washing up. Not once.

I saw an ad in the paper for a holiday called: "Infinity cruises" it was for 15 nights.

[FROM OUR VIEWPOINT OUTSIDE, WE SEE A SET OF SHINY GLASS DOORS OPEN]

CLARENCE: [FROM WITHIN] I shall go! You don't deserve the name "leisure centre"!!

[CLARENCE STORMS OUT OF THE DOORS. HE'S WEARING PYJAMAS, FLUFFY SLIPPERS AND CARRYING A TEDDY.

JONQUIL ENTERS, PUSHIONG A HUGE, PLUSH VELVET OTTOMAN IN FRONT OF HER TOWARDS THE BUILDING]

CLARENCE: I wouldn't bother, love.

WE SEE A GROUP OF KKK MEMBERS ALL WEARING FULL HOODED WHITE KKK UNIFORMS, SEATED IN AN OAK PANELLED ROOM. STANDING IN FRONT OF THE GROUP IN MORE FANCY ROBES ARE THE IMPERIAL KLUDD AND THE KLABEE.

IMPERIAL KLUDD: Settle down brothers and sisters. I would like to bring to order this meeting of the Knights of the KKK. City of Westminster Parliamentary Chapter.

(MURMERS OF APPROVAL)

KLABEE: And don't forget to pay your f**king subs - that goes for all of you. Including you Corbin!

(MURMERS OF DISAPROVAL)

VOICE FROM THE CROWD: Why can't we burn a giant cross at our meetings like other chapters?

IMPERIAL KLUDD: I've told you before, we don't want to draw any attention. Anyway, we are in Westminster, where will we find any open space to erect a giant cross?

VOICE FROM THE BACK: I know where there is some empty space.

IMPERIAL KLUDD: Is that Osbourne? Is this going to be 'between Theresa May's ears' again?

(SNIGGERING)

THERESA MAY: Right which one of you is that prick Osbourne? You just wait till we take our hoods off.

KLABEE: Right settle down everyone the KLUDD has an announcement.

IMPERIAL KLUDD: Imperial Kludd.

KLABEE: What?

IMPERIAL KLUDD: It's 'Imperial' Kludd.

KLABEE: Sorry Boris.

IMPERIAL KLUDD: Humph! Right it's about Trump's visit.

(LOUD MURMERS OF DISAPROVAL)

KLABEE: Shut it you lot! He is a great leader and a really great man!

OSBOURNE: Let it go Farage, It's over, he's never going to ring.

(SNIGGERING)

KLABEE: Why don't you go and spit roast a dead pig with your mate Cameron!?

(SHOUTS OF 'CAMERON? ANY ONE SEEN CAMERON? OINK! OINK! HERE PIGGY PIGGY!)

IMPERIAL KLUD: Right settle down...

KLABEE: Shut up you lot! Or there will be no f**king Tea and hob knobs.

REES MOGG: I thought the visit was all arranged? A photo outside Number 10, a quick tour round Parliament and then tea with her Majesty?

CORBIN: Didn't her Majesty refuse to meet him?

TERESA MAY: Yes, so we got Hellen Mirren to step in, he'll never notice.

IMPERIAL KLUD: It's not the official stuff, it's the evening stuff, it's his leisure time.

REES MOGG: Well we can always invite him to our KKK lodge meeting?

IMPERIAL KLUD: Apparently... he's not a member...

(GASPS OF HORROR)

IMPERIAL KLUD: I know, who knew?

OSBORNE: Well not Farage!

(SNIGGERING)

KLABEE: I'll f**king iron your sheet whilst your still in it Osbourne.

TERESA MAY: He could play golf?

AMBER RUDD: Genius idea Teresa, you have just invented night golf.

TERESA MAY: Well I'm sorry Amber, I can't get everything right!

AMBER RUDD: That's 'anything' Teresa. You can't get 'anything' right.

TERESA MAY: Replacing you with Sajid Javid... I got that right!

(CHEERS)

IMPERIAL KLUD: Can we get back to Trump? He has made a request. (HE HOLDS UP A PIECE OF PAPER).

OSBORNE: Is it to keep Farage away from him?

KLABEE: I'll bloody...

IMPERIAL KLUD: Actually yes, he did request that. And he has also asked if a couple of our female members would join him at his hotel. Could be a good opportunity to influence his thinking I suppose...

TERESA MAY: In that case we would like to send Anna Soubry, to represent the Tory Party.

CORBIN: Anna Sousd-bry more like. OK, we will send Diane Abbott.

DIANE ABBOTT: There won't be any numbers involved will there?

IMPERIAL KLUD: (LOOKING AT THE PAPER) I don't think so...here have a look. (HE HANDS THE SHEET TO HER).

DIANE ABBOTT: (LOOKS AT THE PAPER) Anna, are you a good swimmer?

ANNA SOUBRY: Not bad why?

DIANE ABBOTT: Apparently he wants us to partake in some watersports...

(LOUD SNIGGERS)

INT. LEISURE CENTRE OFFICE - DAY

A MANAGER sits formally behind a desk, interviewing a middle aged, overweight, balding MAN.

MANAGER
Thank you for coming in for this interview. As you know, this is a very popular vacancy.

MAN
Well, don't worry, I'm the man for the job.

MANAGER
And what makes you qualified for the role of grossly overweight man who spends far too long standing around naked in the leisure centre changing rooms?

MAN
Well, I've always said my best qualities are my shameless exhibitionism coupled with my morbid obesity.

MANAGER
You understand that we'll expect a lot of you. This is a busy leisure centre, and it's imperative that we have at least one grossly overweight man spending far too long standing around naked in our changing rooms at all times.

MAN
Oh, I understand. It's a vital part of the leisure centre experience. Back in my younger days I lost count of the times I had to put my gym bag in my locker under the watchful gaze of a fat man's tadger.

MANAGER
Good. And the alternative is too terrifying to contemplate. The idea that men might be able to get changed in our leisure centre without having to awkwardly avert their gaze from the sight of a hideously fat naked man in the altogether just doesn't bear thinking about.

MAN
I completely agree. And you won't find a more overweight man more inexplicably happy to show off his bloated, obese form in all its glory to anyone who might have just wanted to quietly shower and get dressed without having to see a fat man's genitalia than me.

MANAGER
Well, that's what we like to hear. And tell me, are you hairy as well as fat?

MAN
Incredibly hairy. All over. It looks like someone's glued a shag-pile carpet to my back.

MANAGER
Excellent. We always find that the excessive hairiness really helps to push the experience of seeing a fat naked man hanging around in the changing rooms from unsettling to fully vomit-inducing. Now, your CV suggests you already have some experience?

MAN
Yep. I really feel like my whole career has been building up to this role.

MANAGER
Hmm. I see here you most recently spent two years working as a somewhat portly gentleman who inexplicably favours wearing tiny speedos at a municipal swimming pool?

MAN
That's right. The hours were very long, and the speedos were very tiny, but it was worth it to see the looks of horror and discomfort on the faces of my fellow swimmers at the sight of my chubby form awkwardly squeezed into some tiny lycra pants.

MANAGER
So why did you leave that role?

MAN
I felt it was time to make the next step in my career. Plus I'd finally put in the hours to move up from 'somewhat portly' to 'grossly overweight', and I'm ready for my next challenge.

MANAGER
I see. And prior to that job, you worked for six months as a slightly rotund gentleman who leaves his arse crack poking out of his shorts while he uses the exercise bike in a local gym?

MAN
That's right. This sort of thing has always been in my blood. Way back to my first job out of school, when I worked as a disconcertingly skinny teenager who spends way too much time in the sauna at a local spa.

MANAGER
Well, this all seems to be in order. Congratulations, the job's yours! Only one more thing, you will be expected to pay for your own parking.

MAN
Well, that's just disgusting.

The Man storms out of the interview.

THE END

A nice day out

SCENE 1:
INT. MAN IS SAT READING A NEWSPAPER. WOMAN IS SAT WATCHING HIM.

MAN:
When I've finished this I've got to dash...

WOMAN:
I'm sick and tired of this life, we never go out, you're always working...

MAN (quietly, from behind paper):
Yeah, because you're always spending...

WOMAN:
Why don't I have the luck to win the lottery?

MAN (still quietly from behind the paper):
Maybe it would help if you bought the ticket with your own money!

WOMAN:
Why don't you ever take me on a nice day out?

MAN IGNORES THIS AND RUSTLES THE PAPER

WOMAN:
Why don't you ever agree with me, you pig?

MAN (puts paper down and looks her in the eye):
Maybe because you're always wrong!

WOMAN:
I hate you!

MAN:
So do I!

WOMAN:
We agree on one thing then!

JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS. MAN ANSWERS, LISTENS AND LOOKS SLIGHTLY PERTURBED.

SCENE 2:
EXT. A LOVELY SUNNY DAY.

MAN (cheerily, to tearful woman, now dressed in black):
Well, you wanted a nice day out!

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL A FUNERAL SERVICE WITH A WREATH MARKED "BELOVED MUM"

Patrick: Infinity Cruises really amused me, I hate stupid ill-thought-out company names, I spend half my time railing about them.

I agree, Patrick. Infinity Cruises was really well delivered - with no unnecessary explanation.
And Crindy - thanks for all those mental images i can't get out of my head...urggggggh.

GAPPY

Short, sweet, hit the nail on the head!

Yep, Patrick as well. That's a great line.

Pat.

Gappy for me. Unwieldy Ottoman made me laugh.