Slumpyrtd bkòè 22 - 29.3.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 -10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Playfull

Your next topic is GYMS (chosen by CRINDY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 29.3.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 -10 - Crindy, Gappy, Playfull
2 - 1 - Patrick

[PROTAGONIST enters shiny gym foyer. STRAIGHT is manning the front desk]

STRAIGHT: Good afternoon, sir, Gregory Pecs Gym, how may we help you?

PROTAGONIST: [Speaks in a nasal, cartoon geek voice] I wish to enter your gymanisum.

S: I'm afraid our services are only available to members, sir.

P: Then I would like to enrol for membership, please.

S: Certainly, sir. Our standard package works out at £17 per week, but we currently have a special offer whereby for a £5 surcharge you may join our fitness classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and -

P: Yes, yes, I'll take it.

S: Very good, sir. Please sign here.

P: Signing...here. There you go. And here's my credit card. May I enter the gymnasium, now?

S: Of course, welcome to the family.

P: [Sniggering] And do you have a fixed gymnastic device upon which I may rotate at roughly chest height, supported by the strength of my forearms?

S: I'm sorry, sir?

P: [More sniggers] Do you have a quadrupedal static piece of exercise furniture, consisting of a raised body mounted with two handles, perhaps covered in leather or a similar substance.

S: Oh, a horse! Yes, we have a horse, sir.

P: [Cracking up] Oh dear! I regret I may not be able to visit your horse because I have neglected to bring any sugar lumps.

S: Sir?

P: [Giggles] And furthermore I find myself bereft of spare hay bales. Oh my, no horse for me.

S: It's not that sort of horse.

P: Is it not? Then why do you call it a horse? Does it look like one?

S: Yes. It looks enough like a horse to warrant the name "horse" over, say, "static quadrupedal exercise furniture".

P: Aha! But a chair looks like a horse, yet we don't call that a horse, do we?

S: It doesn't really, does it? A horse looks far more like a horse. Plus, the gymnastic horse was developed centuries ago to assist in the training cavalry soldiers to mount their...horse. So, all in all, horse is quite a valid name, with a reasonably clear etymology.

P: Yes, I suppose. [Pause] Ah, but [snigger] do you have any treadmills?

S: Yes.

P: And are they mills upon which one may tread, hmm? Pray tell.

S: Yes.

P: Oh. Well how about parallel bars, you have them right?

S: [Sigh] Yes.

P: So that's like two pubs opposite each other is it?

S: No. It's a different usage of the word "bar", although one that's equally as common.

P: And are they parallel in the sense of extending in the same direction, equidistant at all points along the - oh, right, I suppose they are.

S: Quite right, sir. Would you like to do some exercise today?

P: Erm, not really.

S: No. And if your plan was simply to stand here and make pat comments about the names of fitness apparatus, in a manner that would be lazily smug in a comedy sketch, and is therefore absolutely unforgivable here in real life, I shall have to ask you to leave.

P: [Downcast] Oh, alright. [He hangs his head and walks slowly from the foyer, sad music playing. The doors close, music stops. Seconds later her runs back in, and slams the desk]

What about medicine balls? Do you have any of them?

S: [Sighing] We do

P: Yes!! [Jumps, punching the air. Freeze frame in mid-leap. Theme from Rocky plays]

GYMS Two hander. Bank robbers breaking in through a wall.

MART:
Oh, bloody hell.. ..it's a big f**king gym..

DANNY:
Eh, Big Jim? not that c**t.. crikey.. I'm off..

MART:
No, you arse.. Hey, there's a vaulting horse..

DANNY:
Nobbled that one was, 2:30 Cheltenham. Went dahn like a f**king lead turd.. Owners a c**t.

MART WALKS TOWARDS A ROWING MACHINE.

MART:
Oh, f**k off Danny.. I'm gonna give those oars a damn good pull..

DANNY COMES OUT OF CHARACTER. POSHER ACCENT.

DANNY:
Claude, I told you before the shoot, I would simply not respond to that, what you've written here is just plain disgusting.. ..you c**t..

TRAINER: Come on give me 10.

SHARON: I'm not sure I can.

TRAINER: Well give me 5.

SHARON: I can't.

TRAINER: Well give me one.

TRAINER: How many have I done so far?

TRANER: None.

SHARON: None?

TRAINER: None. You have just sat here pouting and taking selfies.

SHARON: But it's soooo hard.

TRAINER: How would you know that? You haven't even tried.

SHARON: Well it looks hard. Have you seen how much that man is sweating?

TRAINER: That's healthy.

SHARON: Healthy? He looks like he is having a heart attack.

TRAINER: Why have you even joined the Gym?

SHARON: Well, I go past on the bus everyday and it just looks so cool. Everyone running while watching the telly.

TRAINER: Ok, so do you want to try the running machines?

SHARON: Could I just watch the telly?

TRAINER: No! Can you stop taking selfies and try some exercise? Does any of the equipment look interesting?

SHARON: What about that over there.

TRAINER: That is a bench.

SHARON: Looks like a perfect photo opp.

TRAINER: Right, I'm calling a halt to this, I'm stopping your taster session. You have sat on every item of high tech exercise equipment we have and done nothing but take selfies. You are just wasting my time.

SHARON: Just one more...there we go, all done.

TRAINER: I don't get it?

SHARON: Well its simple. I have loads of selfies on lots of different exercise whatsits, so all I have to do is post a different one each week, after photo-shopping my clothes to different colours of course, and hey presto as far as the world is concerned i am a committed gym girl. And all with no fees, no exercise and no sweat. After all facebook doesn't lie does it?

TRAINER: That's just cheating.

SHARON: Cheating eh? Well what do you keep sipping from that little bottle? Some dodgy steroid stuff?

TRAINER; If you must know it's Monkey cum.

SHARON: Oh, is that some secret health trick?

TRAINER: No.....I just really like Monkeys.

Commercial break:

Do you want to join a Gym, but hate to exercise? Be able to tell people you "Go Gym" every day, but hate getting a sweat on? Then say hello to......LAYZEE GYM, the gym for indolent, bone idol sloths. We offer:

kettle bells (make a brew, then have a whiskey)
Medicine balls (getting dressed up for a Drs posh party)
Legs, Bums and Tums. (Quiz: name the body part).
24 hour Jim: idle Chat with a lazy bloke
Pill Lattes (Paracetamol and Coffee)
Spinning class (laundry wash)
Pure calves: Watching baby cow videos
Pure Carbs
Pure ABS (Another Big Sandwich)

Don't fill in membership application tomorrow!

George Best said, 'The worst thing about alcoholism is you don't notice it's happening.' You don't notice anything, you're too drunk.
Diego Maradona should shut up and stick to what he's good at. Basketball.
Difference between soccer and The Great Gatsby, Gatsby was a good sport.
Footballer spent 30 hours at the hairdresser's. He's described as absolutely lacquered.
A footballer's career is at risk after he injured his calf. Fans are worried, animal rights activists aren't happy either.
Man United T-shirts tested for chemical content: found to have worrying stuff inside. The fans.
David Beckham says he's been playing football since he was 8. He must be knackered.
Bad news for footballer Andy Goram, he's been diagnosed schizophrenic. Good news, he's befriended himself on Facebook.
Italy's Francesco Coco says he's behind gay players, not literally.
Italy's Francesco Coco says he's behind gay players, gives a whole new meaning to the expression Camp Instructor.

I've compiled my dream team: Cheryl Cole, Cameron Diaz, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Charlize Theron, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Nicole Kidman. What can David Beckham do for me?
Enough football, golf now. How many holes are the on a celebrity golf course? 18, and an unlimited number of arseholes.

Bad news, a fan has been seriously injured in football hooliganism. Good news, he has a part in the next Lady Gaga video.

They're introducing a new live football blog. Won't the computer get in the players' way?

What's got 22 legs and runs? The English soccer team eating curry.

Yet again David Beckham has been accused of over-exposure, he'll be on the show to talk about it later.

INT. GYM RECEPTION - DAY

A GYM MEMBER approaches a FITNESS TRAINER at the reception desk.

MEMBER
Listen here, good man. I've decided to leave the gym.

TRAINER
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that--

MEMBER
Now, wait a second, don't hit me with any sort of exaggerated nonsense designed to scare me into remaining a member, I've talked it over with the wife, with the kids and with a noisy bloke in the pub and I've decided I'm leaving. And that's that.

TRAINER
Ok, that's fine, let me just--

MEMBER
No! I won't hear any more lies from you! I know how vital my membership is to your establishment, but this is my final decision. I'll spend the money on something more useful.

TRAINER
Right. Again, that's fine by me. Let me just cancel it for you.

He taps on his keyboard. The Member waits patiently.

MEMBER
Ok, good. A bit of professionalism at last. But, before we reach an agreement, vis-a-vis me leaving the gym, I have a few demands.

TRAINER
...Ok?

MEMBER
Firstly, I'll still require access to all the equipment.

TRAINER
Excuse me?

MEMBER
The treadmills, the exercise bikes and so on. They're all very useful to me, you see.

TRAINER
Well, yes. They are. But I'm afraid they're for members only. Unless you don't want to leave the gym--?

MEMBER
I think I've been perfectly clear on that! When I say I want to leave the gym, I want to leave the gym! This place has done absolutely nothing of any benefit for me ever since I joined!

TRAINER
...Apart from all the equipment we provided?

MEMBER
Well, yes, apart from the equipment you provided. Obviously that has been incredibly useful to me, which is why I still want to use it.

TRAINER
Well, I'm afraid we can't do that.

MEMBER
Pah! This is exactly the sort of thing that I'm talking about! You're holding me to ransom!

TRAINER
Well...maybe you could use the money you'll save by not having a membership on buying a load of gym equipment for your home?

MEMBER
Yes, I've looked into that. Turns out gym equipment is incredibly expensive and rather difficult to fit into my own home. Plus I'll need to maintain it myself, clean it, upgrade it, and so on.

TRAINER
Yeah. I mean, that's why your membership is such good value for--

MEMBER
No, it's a rip off! Don't worry, I'm looking into ways of entering into my own agreement with some other people in a similar position, where we pay a percentage of the cost of all the gym equipment we need that we can then share between us.

TRAINER
Like this gym?

MEMBER
No! Obviously nothing like this gym! I'm leaving the gym precisely because it doesn't provide me with those sorts of benefits!

TRAINER
Ok, well we definitely can't let you keep using the equipment--

MEMBER
Pah. It's one rule for some, and one rule for the rest, isn't it!

TRAINER
Yes. That's kind of how memberships work.

TRAINER
Well, what about the cafe? Can I still use the cafe?

TRAINER
Of course. The cafe is open for non-members. I mean, obviously you won't be able to use the members-only discount on your food--

MEMBER
What?! That's outrageous!

TRAINER
I mean, if you still want to use the equipment and you still want the discount in the cafe, maybe you just want to keep your membership--?

MEMBER
How many times to I have to tell you! I want to leave!
(then)
Now, I assume the car park will still be free?

TRAINER
Wh--? No, again, that's a membership benefit!

MEMBER
Well this isn't good enough. There has to be another option. I'm very important, you know!

TRAINER
Are you?

MEMBER
I mean, I used to be.

TRAINER
Well...we do offer associate memberships?

MEMBER
I'm listening.

TRAINER
I mean, they cost almost the same as a full membership and the rules are a lot more restrictive. You can only use the gym during off-peak hours, you'd still have to pay for the car park, it really doesn't make any sense for you to--

MEMBER
Hah! I'll take it! I've completely outfoxed you!

TRAINER
Um, sure. I'll just get that set up for you.
(then)
Actually, for a small additional fee, you can get yourself a tailored fitness program designed by one of our experts--

MEMBER
Psh. I've had enough of experts, thank you very much.

THE END

Tough week to choose, lots of fun stuff. I'm going to vote for Patrick for such shamelessly silly jokes.

All good... Crindy.

Lots of different styles this comp. I am a sucker for a well-turned line or phrase, such as -
Gappy's
"in a manner that would be lazily smug in a comedy sketch, and is therefore absolutely unforgivable here in real life"

Frankie's
"Owners a c**t."

Patrick's
"24 hour Jim: idle Chat with a lazy bloke"

Michael's
"he'll be on the show to talk about it later"

Crindy's
"and with a noisy bloke in the pub"

So a tricky one this comp but I am going with Michael for -
"he's been diagnosed schizophrenic. Good news, he's befriended himself on Facebook"

Crindy for me.

I'm really torn this week, so I'm going to have to go with the completely unscientific approach of 'number of chuckles per skit'. Meaning that Michael gets my vote.

Apologies for late vote ... I'd popped out for a paper ...

CRINDY

Consider it dung.