Smunksoincompest 10 - 18.3.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 -10 - Crindy
2 - 5 - Playfull
3 - 1 - Patrick

Your next topic is CURSES (chosen by GAPPY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 18.3.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 -10 - Crindy
2 - 5 - Playfull
3 - 1 - Patrick

MADE OF TARTS

STUDIO. INTERVIEWER and POP TART.

INTERVIEWER Hi viewers, I'm Binty Piper and it gives e the most enormous - yeah - to be with an act who really does deserve the clap.

APPLAUSE.

INTERVIEWER Yes, it's Madonna, one of the most suckedcessful artits of the century.

TART Oh, what're you like?

INTERVIEWER Now there are rumours your suckedsex is not only due to the Pavarotti vocals of 'Like a Virgin', the Meryl Streep acting of 'Desperately Sucking Susan' or even the Leonardo da Vinci artwork of your monumental tome 'Erotica'...

TART Huh?

INTERVIEWER Some vulgar gossips vulgarly gossiped you shot to fame by - er - knowing - frequenting - being Biblically intimate with - a number of males.

TART That's just the press.

INTERVIEWER So let's the record straight.

TART (giggles) Record.

INTERVIEWER Which fellows have you known-frequented-been-Biblically-intimate-with?

TART Jellybean. Arthur Baker. Ginger Baker. Ginger Spice. Jack Lemon. John Lennon. John Merrick. Johnny Depp. Derek and the Dominoes. Derek and Clive. Clive Anderson. Five. One Direction. Rob Lowe, Chris Lowe, Neil Tennant. Brad Pitt. Denzel Washington. Matt Dillon, Will Smith, Jason Bateman, George Clooney, Liam Neson, Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Damon Albarn, Patsy Kensit, Patrick Dempsey, Jason Priestley, Joey Lawrence, Mark Wahlberg, Aaron Carter, Aarless baldies, shorn men, Sean Penn, Sean Connery, Luke Perry, Luke Goss, Matt Goss, the other one, Pierce Brosnan, pierced Bros man, Hanson, handsomes, Joey MacIntyre, Matt Dillon again, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo di Caprio, Leonardo da Vinci, Lenny Henry, Mel Gibson, Mel Smith, Mel C, Tom Cruise, Nick Nolte, Nicholas Cage, knickerless aged, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck, John Wayne, Dustin Hoffman, Wayne Sleep, Meryl Streep, Jude Law, Matt Dillon again, Mickey Rourke, Robert Pattinson, David Beckham, King Henry the Eighth, Ringo Starr, Mick Jagger, Thomas the Tank Engine, Tellytubbies, Benito Mussolini, Barak Obama, O J Simpson, Tiger Woods, Matt Dillon again. And my husband, what's his name?

INTERVIEWER You're a tart.

TART How dare you? (slaps him and leaves)

The Curse of the Morris Master a shortish piece of nonsense fer f**ks sake

When I last gazed upon this island it were a dark day in the life of island folk every where's.

Aye, a dark day, aye, aye dark and dismal, yerse! Aye, Dark, dismal and dank, aye. Yerse, aye, aye, dark, dismal, dank... ..and downright deadly.

Just as we liked it.

The bells of St Toad's seemed to be peeling incessantly and long after the sun had made down and a-bed. Or so it seemed, but they weren't...

It felt like a chilling breeze might have been blowing over the village green, pushing out odours of stale stink. Yerse, might have, might have, but it hadn't.

And all manner of night creatures, owls, bats, mice, and so forth that should have been leaving their tell-tale trails, were in fact absent. Weren't they? Except, they were all around.

What was it about the Men of the Morris just rehearsing in the Inn that had this effect on ..well, just about everything, you might have asked, you might have, but you didn't.

A voice rang out, and thinking about that, it is surely a strange thing for a voice to do.. my meaning? Well, ringing, as the astute among you will be aware, is normally being the province of bells and certain other bell-like contrivances, wouldn't you say?

Aye, you would.

Nevertheless, ring out it did.

"Right then, let's have the old 'Billy do' a-one more time, Thomas, a-one more time, come on now all me boys.."

The Morris Master, waved his kerchief and the dance commenced.

A clatter of sticks, a tinkling of bells and the unmistakable scrapie, squelchy sound of sand and excrement underfoot, was only just to be heard above the ferocity of other sounds seemingly coming from somewhere deep within.. ..the ground beneath.. or.. or.. or.. aghhhhhhhhhhhh!

DAZ: Do take a seat, please. I really appreciate your coming to my flat.

PSYCHIC: No problem whatsoever.

DAZ: I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but I've never taken psychics seriously before. But, I need help: I think I'm cursed! I've tried everything.

PSYCHIC: Up to and including rational thought?

DAZ: Not really.

PSYCHIC: Excellent. So, why do you think you're cursed?

DAZ: Just the stuff that happens to me. Getting stuck with difficult dates, enraging my boss, bad luck, hard time, diaorrhea during the board meeting.

PSYCHIC: Do go on.

DAZ: Yeah, regular as clockwork something rubbish happens to me. At first the were sort of entertaining, almost as if they came from my character, but recently they've been less so, and often excruciatingly convoluted.

PSYCHIC: Hmm, I wonder. How long has this been going on? Are you, perhaps, in your 9th month of the curse?

DAZ: Yes! How did you know?

PSYCHIC: Three seasons, that feels right. And how long have you lived in this lovely flat?

DAZ: Erm, about the same time, coincidentally. It's amazing, isn't it? I've always wanted to live in a swanky flat in New York, London, or an unspecified city.

PSYCHIC: Is it expensive, may I ask?

DAZ: No! It was really, really cheap. I mean, I don't have a very high income, plus I seem to lose my job quite regularly, and anyone watching would think there was no way I could afford this flat. I've been really lucky.

PSYCHIC: [Eerie] Or...have you?

DAZ: [Uncertainly mimicking the delivery] I'm...not sure? What....you mean?

PSYCHIC: The reason, my dear boy, that this flat was so cheap is that it is the one that is cursed.

DAZ: No! I mean, that would explain why my friends have bad luck too.

PSYCHIC: Your friends come round a lot, do they?

DAZ: Oh, all the time. Pretty much constantly. They tend to let themselves in. It's weird, even the postman, whom I don't really know, often drops by for hours at a time. And he doesn't even seem to enjoy it here, he's quite acerbic.
PSYCHIC: I see. And bad things happen to them, too, you say?

DAZ: Yes. Always at the same time as me. But you get the impression their ones are less significant, somehow.

PSYCHIC: Yes, yes, it all springs from this haunted flat. Can you describe the day you moved in?

DAZ: Well I was so happy, I came in, dumped all my boxes, put the sofa right in the middle of the room and-

PSYCHIC: You put the sofa in the middle of the room? That's the worst thing you can do to antagonise cursing spirits!

DAZ: Is it?

PSYCHIC: Yes, that's doubtless what started it. I see this is a serious case.

DAZ: So what should I do?

PSYCHIC: Oh, I wouldn't do anything, hauntings like this rarely make it to 4 seasons. I'd just sit back and wait if I were you. The spirits will get desperate, and one day everything will quietly stop. They might start happening really late at night first, but then they'll stop for sure.

DAZ: But I want help now! I can't take it anymore.

PSYCHIC: Alright, if you insist. Wear this magic amulet, and once I've gone, clap your hands 4 times. That'll be forty quid, please. Cheers, I'll, err, see myself out.

DAZ: OK, bye. [Exit]

[Pause, then DAZ claps his hands 4 times swiftly, like in the opening credits to Friends]

DAZ: Nothing happened.

JULIO: [Enterring] Hi! I'm Julio, I'm your outrageous new neighbour. I've locked myself out! [Silly Spanish accent] What a calamity! Oh, and I also have to look after this egg as if it were a baby.

INT. MOBSTER DEN - NIGHT

A mobster BOSS paces round in front of a table. A HITMAN sits at the table, a gun in front of him.

BOSS
I tell ya, this guy, he's p***in' me off! And you, you're gonna f***in' fix him for me, capiche? I want this f***in' guy whacked! Off my f***in' case for good!

HITMAN
Sure boss, I can do that...

BOSS
You f***in' better, ya hear me? This f***er and his associates swiped fifty Gs from the Don. He's a motherf***in' dead man!

HITMAN
Ok, fine, but, boss...can you just stop with the cursin'?

BOSS
The f*** ya mean?!

HITMAN
The cursin'. You're doin' it a lot. I find it kinda offensive, boss.

BOSS
What are you, some kinda wiseguy?

HITMAN
I got qualifications boss, yeah. But all the cursin' has to stop, if you need my help. Ya do need my help, right boss?

BOSS
Sure. Whatever. I can quit the cursin'. Motherfudgin' spit-for-brains.

HITMAN
That's better.

The Boss grimaces and grabs a cigarette packet from his pocket, going to light up.

HITMAN
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, boss! What ya doin'?

BOSS
What does it look like I'm fudgin' doing? I'm havin' a gosh-darned smoke!

HITMAN
Oh no, not indoors, boss. Are you crazy or somethin'? You wanna smoke, you take that outside and do it on the sidewalk.

BOSS
I got the screws after me! I can't stand on the fudgin' sidewalk like a pin-flick grass-hole!

HITMAN
Well ain't you got a vape kit or somethin'?

BOSS
A vape kit? What do I look like to you? Some kinda dumb-grass hipster fudge-nugget?!

HITMAN
Whatever boss. You ain't smokin' in here. Now, about my payment...

BOSS
Same flippin' deal as ever, right?

HITMAN
Nah, not this time boss. I know the guy you fingered here--

BOSS
Hey! Nobody proved nothin' about nothin' there, capiche?

HITMAN
--He's a big player. This is a serious hit. I want payin' double.

BOSS
Double?! Bull-spit! Are you off your fudgin' nut?!

HITMAN
Those are my terms, alright?

The Boss grabs a phone from the desk and dials a number.

BOSS
We'll see about your gosh-darned dumb-spit terms, alright?
(into phone)
Hey! Toots! Get your sweet cherry grass in here!
(pause, then)
I--No! I'm not cursin' no more, that's all!
(pause, then)
No, I don't need--You know what I mean, just get in here, ya filthy shore!

He slams the phone down and a Mob Gal (TOOTS) enters, slinking over to the Hitman seductively.

TOOTS
What seems to be the problem, boys?

BOSS
This motherfudging piece of split wants payin' double for the hit! I thought maybe you could give him a little somethin' else instead, comprende?

TOOTS
Oh yeah, I comprende, alright.

She drapes her arm around the Hitman and starts to run her hand towards his crotch. The Hitman jumps out of his chair.

HITMAN
Hey, hey, hey! What is this?!

TOOTS
Just a little Mob hospitality, sugar.

HITMAN
No, this is sexual harassment! That's what this is!

BOSS
Hey, what's the matter here? She does this kinda thing all the time!

HITMAN
Wh--? No! Boss, you can't have your girls do that! It's completely inappropriate in the workplace! Or, actually, thinkin' about it, out of the workplace as well! Now, if I'm gonna do this--

The Boss grabs the gun and shoots the Hitman. He slumps to the floor, dead.

BOSS
F**k this, I'll do it myself.

Toots takes his arm. They exit.

THE END

DOCTOR: If you could just pop back behind the curtains and get dressed.

PATIENT: Ok, (beat) sorry about your carpet.

DOCTOR: Err yes, that was a truly alarming amount of puss.

PATIENT: Is that a bit unusual?

DOCTOR: What? Having a groin chock full of boils the size of cumquats?

PATIENT: Yes.

DOCTOR: And having boils on your boils?

PATIENT: yes.

DOCTOR: Boils that burst at the slightest touch?

PATIENT: Yes.

DOCTOR: Boils that instantly refill with puss.

PATIENT: Yes! Have you seen this before?

DOCTOR: No of course not, no one has.

PATIENT: Oh...well can you give me some cream for it?

DOCTOR: I could give you some E45 cream.

PATIENT: Will that help.

DOCTOR: No, of course not!

PATIENT: Whoops there goes another one...sorry about the curtains.

DOCTOR: Right...(Writing). Here are the details of a local 'wise woman'. She has been very helpful with...shall we say... some of my patients more unusual problems in the past.

PATIENT: Thanks doctor. Oops another one has popped, sorry about your shoes.

DOCTOR: Oh, and a little advice...

PATIENT: Yes?

DOCTOR: Next time buy the Gypsy's bloody pegs

Playfull edges it over Crindy.

Quality stuff from everyone this comp! Some very clever ideas well executed.
Very, very, close but it has to be Gappy for me, just for the idea.

Enjoyable week, great selection of entries.

Was close to going for Michael, if only for the 'Pierce Brosnan, pierced Bros man' bit. But once I twigged what was happening (which took me longer than it should), I swung towards gappy's sketch.

Anne Boleyn was well executed too.
All good but going for Gappy.

PLAYFUL by a hair breadth on a gnats cock..