In Italy this week, opinion polls are finding it hard to predict who may win the elections held on Sunday. A coalition is likely, a Government based on shared decision making, like you do for a night out involving more than three people: takes ages to settle on what you do and at least one person is always wanting to leave early. The rest of Europe seems aghast at the possible return of ex-Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi, who was convicted for tax fraud and faced a number of allegations regarding the use of underage prostitutes at parties. Surely Berlusconi must need a return to work training session............
Scene: Work training meeting. Conference room. Trainer, Maria Baresi is coaching Silvio Berlusconi.
Maria: Welcome to your return to work training session Mr Burlusconi. Otherwise known as the "Be less of a bastard" training. Equivalent to 20 hours of continuous professional development.
Silvio: 20 hours!
Maria: Well, most reports on your behaviour do show significantly high levels of bastardness. Mr Burlusconi, if you are seeking to take part in politics again, we need to address this. Let's start with the allegations regarding bunga bunga parties.
Silvio: Well, now I can see that they were the unacceptable actions of a much more naive, younger man.
Maria: You were 76.
Silvio: Like I say, the actions of a much, much, younger man.
Maria: This is no laughing matter Mr Burlusconi. You faced allegations of an abuse of power and the use of underage prostitutes in sex parties.
Silvio: How do you know?
Maria: The media reported it in lengthy articles. The British press felt so outraged that they saw the need to share dozens of photos of the women alleged to have been used as prostitutes. Dozens of them. In full colour. With more on their websites. You have also been found guilty of tax evasion.
Silvio: Yes, but this now means the Italian people will trust me.
Maria: Trust you?
Silvio: Yes, trust me to definitely avoid taxes. If they know I've done it before, it removes any need to doubt me. I can provide certainty to levels of corruption in Italian politics.
Maria: Your past behaviour has been suspect: you have to stop raising eyebrows.
Silvio: No problem: I have paid my plastic surgeon well. No Problem, prego, as we say in Italy......in Italian normally.
Maria: Let's talk about how you refer to your political rivals. In the past, you have made outrageous statements about opposition parties. Let's see if this is still the case: what is your view on the "5 Star Movement".
Silvio: They would be terrible for Italy. I can't stand them. I never liked any of their hits in the 1980s.
Maria: Pardon me?
Silvio: You know: "System Addict, (I never can get enough)". Five Star: System Addict and that other one: "Rain or Shine: You'll Always Be, My One in Million, My Fantasy Come True.....". Shall I get my bandana on....? Come On.....Tony Blair loved my bandana.......Let's put the Burlesque into Burlusconi: Sing with me: "System Addict.....
Maria: Stop singing Mr Berlusconi. We need to spend time on improving your media image.
Silvio: No we don't, I own it.
Maria: Prego.
Silvio: Si, Prego.
Maria: No, I mean, I pray, you GO. You've totally failed this training session, please LEAVE, you sexist, tax avoiding, terrible man.
FX: DOOR CLOSING
Maria: Oh well, who else am I meant to train with today...........they CAN'T be any worse......
FX: Knock at the door.
Maria: Come in Mr..........oh......oh no......
Donald Trump: Hello: I am so great at training to be less of a bastard. It's going to be BIGLY BRAVISSIMO!
END
