1. The Meat Plant - I think I'll keep the end and throw away the rest.
2. Mr. Schwarzenegger - the initial idea was to do a quick montage of action heroes teaching, which might have been better, but I never watch action movies so couldn't execute it.
THE MEAT PLANT
1. ANGELA: A scandal has hit the meat processing industry in the UK, as hygiene breaches were discovered in meat plants across the country. But are our standards just too high? Butchering animals is bound to be messy isn't it. Maybe the use of the sterile term 'meat plant', has changed our expectations of what slaughterhouses are really like.
2. FX: SOUND OF MOVING FOOD WITH A FORK ON A PLATE
3. MRS. WRIGHT: What's wrong honey? You've barely touched your beef.
4. MR. WRIGHT: It's just...lately I've been finding it hard to enjoy.
5. MRS. WRIGHT: How about I make some pork chops tomorrow?
6. MR. WRIGHT No, beef, pork, chicken, all meat. It just doesn't feel...right. Should we even be eating meat in the first place.
7. MRS. WRIGHT: Of course. God gave us meat to eat. And besides that's where it gets it's name from: mmmmmmmm eat!
8. MR. WRIGHT: Have you never wondered though, where does it really come from?
9. MRS. WRIGHT: Why, the meat plant, dear. You remember the song:
(Singing) Mutton, fish, to go with chips; they all grow on the meat plant.
Pork and bacon, veal and duck; they all grow on the meat plant.
Beef in burgers, chicken in nuggets; they all grow on the meat plant.
Emu, gizzards and lamb and quail; they too grow on the meat plant.
10. MR. WRIGHT: But it's strange.
11. MRS. WRIGHT: No it's not. Did you forget the thirds verse:
(Singing) It might seem odd, but really it's not; meat grows on the meat plant.
You-might-wonder-why-some-meats-share-their-names-with-animals-but-don't-be-silly-and-just-stop-thinking-about-that; they really grow on the meat plant.
12. MR. WRIGHT: But other plants don't have bones and tendons and fat...
13. MRS. WRIGHT: Honey, if it wasn't true, why would they put it in a song. Like the sixth verse says:
(Singing) If it weren't true-
14. MR. WRIGHT: Yes, yes, I know, but...maybe I just need to see for myself.
15. FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE MEAT PLANT
16. TOUR GUIDE: Now, we're just getting to the end of our tour of the meat plant. Before we take a look at the actual meat plant, we have a treat: A reggae rendition of the meat plant song!
17. GRAMS: REGGAE MUSIC
18 SINGER: Mutton and fish, to go with chips; they all grow-
19. MR. WRIGHT: No, no, please. I don't think anything could top the synth pop version from earlier.
20. TOUR GUIDE: Well then, without further adieu, here it is:
21. FX: SOUND OF HEAVY CURTAIN UNFURLING
22. TOUR GUIDE: The Meat Plant! You can see some chops growing over there. And do you see the chicken balls sprouting from that low-lying branch? And that juicy T-Bone steak mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm.
23. MR. WRIGHT: Hmmmmmm. Can we go in?
24. TOUR GUIDE: I'm afraid it's too dangerous. You could contaminate the meat. When the meat is fully grown and ripe it drops off the tree, that's when one of our trained meat technicians goes in and collects it for processing.
25. FX: ALARM GOES OFF
26. TOUR GUIDE: Quick Mr. Wright, we need to evacuate the area.
27. MR. WRIGHT: What is it?
28. TOUR GUIDE: A technical meat processing problem.
29. FX: SQUEALS OF A PIG
30. MR. WRIGHT: Is that a...pig?
31. TOUR GUIDE: In a meat plant? Absurd.
32. FX: LOUDER SQUEALS
33. FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS CHASING THE PIG
34. GUARD: Stop that pig!
35. MR. WRIGHT: Where did it...?
36. TOUR GUIDE: Mr. Wright, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you leave now. Your tour is complete. Meat plant merchandise can be purchased in the gift shop. This month we have a special discount on The Meat Plant Song Remixes by DJ Meat Plant.
37. FX: SQUEALS
38 TOUR GUIDE: Oh! Stop that pig!
39. MR. WRIGHT: I need to get to the bottom of this.
40. FX: MR. WRIGHT RUNNING
41. TOUR GUIDE: Mr. Wright! No!
42. FX: MR WRIGHT PULLING DOWN HEAVY DOOR HANDLE
43. TOUR GUIDE: You can't go in there!
44. MR. WRIGHT: I have to.
45. FX: SOUND OF HEAVY DOOR OPENING
46. GRAMS: ADAGIO FOR STRINGS
47. FX: THE SOUND OF ANGUISHED SQUEALS OF PIGS
48. FX: THE SOUND OF PIGS BEING KILLED
49. MR. WRIGHT: Oh my God!
50. FX: MR. WRIGHT PUKING
51. MR. WRIGHT: *Sobs* No....no!
52. TOUR GUIDE: I'm sorry it had to come to this. Guards!
53. FX: GUARDS TAKING MR. WRIGHT AWAY
54. MR. WRIGHT: No! You have to tell them! Meat is animals! Meat is animals!
END
MR. SCHWARZENEGGER
1. ANGELA: This past week Donald Trump suggesting arming teachers as a way of curbing school shootings. Because obviously the only way to reduce shootings is more guns. But rather than training teachers to be action heroes, wouldn't it be more efficient to teach action heroes how to be teachers?
2. SCHWARZENEGGER: Thank you class for these lovely balloons to welcome me on my first day. Now, on zis graph--
3. FX: CHALK ON BLACKBOARD
4. S'NEGGER: --let zee x-axis represent salary, and zee y-axis represent arm size. As you can see, we have a slope with an upward trajectory. What is zis line telling us?...Anyone? Anyone? ....You!
5. BILLY (little boy): That there's a correlation between arm size and salary.
6. S'NEGGER: Yes, and what is that correlation? Anyone?......As one increases the other increases. This is known as Schwarzenegger's First Law:
7. FX: CHALK ON BLACKBOARD
8. S'NEGGER: Salary directly correlates with arm size, or to put it more succinctly: Big arms, big paychecks. See my arms? Look at them. Now guess how much was my paycheck for Terminator 3.
9. BILLY: I don't know.
10. S'NEGGER: $30,000,000. And now class look at Billy with his little scrawny arms. How much was your last paycheck for Billy?
11. BILLY: I never got a paycheck.
12. S'NEGGER: See, you get nothing. your little girly arms get you nothing! Now, let's have a look at this problem. Harry does no bicep curls. Lenny does no bicep curls. Johnny does some bicep curls. 0% of the girls like Harry. 0% of the girls like Lenny. 100% of the girls like Johnny. What do we learn from this?
13. GIRL: Eh....The girls like Johnny?
14. S'NEGGER: No. This illustrates the Second Law of Schwarzenegger: Bicep curls--
15. FX: CHALK ON BLACKBOARD
16. S'NEGGER: Get all the girls...Like this.
17. FX: SCHWARZENEGGER DOING BICEP CURLS
18. S'NEGGER: Rep. Rep. Rep. You want to feel zee burn. Zee burn is the growth zone. Pump. Pump. Pump. Pick this one up little girl.
19. GIRL: *strains to lift* I can't. It's too heavy.
20. S'NEGGER: Lift it.
21.GIRL: It hurts.
22. S'NEGGER: This is the Third Law of Schwarzenegger: No pain, no-
23. FX: SOUND LIKE A GUNSHOT
24. S'NEGGER: Get down! Oh my God kids, it's time to panic!! Down! Down!
25. BILLY: It was just a car backfiring.
26. S'NEGGER: *breathing heavily*
27. GIRL: Were you scared Mr. Schwarzenegger?
28. BILLY: He was!
29. ALL KIDS: *laughing*
30. S'NEGGER: No! No! Qviet you little munchkins!
31. FX: POP SOUND
32. S'NEGGER: Ahhhhhhh! Hit zee deck!!
33. FX: SCHWARZENEGGER JUMPING ON THE GROUND
34. FX: POP POP POP SOUNDS
35. KIDS: *loud laughing*
36. GIRL: You popped all your balloons!!
37. S'NEGGER: Ah, I have to get out of here! It's not safe!
38. FX: SCWARZENEGGER RUNNING AWAY
39. GIRL: Wait! Wait! Mr. Schwarzenegger!? Do you think he'll be back?
END
