Pilot - Opening scene. Thoughts?

IN THE CORPORATE WORLD THERE ARE THOSE UPSTAIRS AND THERE ARE US DOWNSTAIRS. SEPARATED BY A CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK AND A FEW RUNGS ON THE CLASS LADDER

INTRO SCENE
INT. BASEMENT - STATIONERY/POST AND PRINT ROOM - MORNING
MANNIE (AN OVER WEIGHT, GREY HAIRED MAN) IS SITTING IN A DARK AND DANK BASEMENT READING THE PAPER OUT LOUD TO THE ROOM AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY PIGEON HOLES, PRINTERS AND PILES OF MAIL
MANNIE
I can't believe this, scientists have stuck goose wings to the back of a pig and it flew for half a mile before crash landing in a bread factory in Chichester, the towns folk celebrated with bacon sandwiches...what happened to the wings?
ROBERT ENTERS SINGING
ROBERT
"Return of the Mack, there it is. Return of the Mack"
MANNIE JOINS IN WITH THE SINGING
MANNIE
"Oh my god"
ROBERT
Don't ruin it Mannie. "You know that ill be back"
MANNIE
"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realise..."
ROBERT
What are you doing?
MANNIE
Doing the rapping part
ROBERT
That's a different song. Coolio and Mark Morrison, not the same person
MANNIE
Sure it is, Coolio is his stage name
ROBERT
No it isn't
MANNIE
Yeah like David Bowie and Zippy stardust
LIZ WALKS BETWEEN THEM
LIZ
Morning Rob welcome back
ROBERT
Thank you Liz, morning. Did you say Zippy? Zippy stardust?
MANNIE
Yeah it's a stage name
ROBERT
Maybe for someone but not David Bowie, he was Ziggy, Ziggy stardust
MANNIE
Fine but Coolio is still a stage name
ROBERT
Not for Mark Morrison
MANNIE
Yes it is, he sung that song "it wasn't me"
ROBERT
That was shaggy
MANNIE
From Scooby Doo?
ROBERT
No the singer Shaggy
MANNIE
Ah another stage name. So what's Will.I.am?
ROBERT
A cock
OPENING CREDITS

I have more if anybody is interested.

Looking forward to hearing anybodies thoughts.

It's just banter, Robriv, nothing's actually happening.

Hi Beaky, yes I know I was told not to put the whole script up, just the intro and if ppl want more they will ask for it...is that not true?

Shall I post the lot?

Zippy would have been funny had you not explained it in later dialogue.
Let the audience get the joke.
Needs a lot of tightening up - wherever you are going with it.

Hi Robriv,

First thing, you're in the wrong thread, you should be in critique if you want feed back - no matter.

As this is the opening scene, the audience knows absolutely nothing. So they see a post room basement, they see a fat older guy reading the paper and he gives the opening line, which I thought wasn't bad. Pig/wings/bread factory/bacon sandwiches/what about the wings?

So far so good IMHO but after that for me it just doesn't work.

You're going to lose people who don't know the particular artists you're on about, the banter doesn't seem particular funny and it seems very 'bitty'. I couldn't follow it easily and as I have not yet formed a relationship with any of your characters, I lost interest almost immediately.

I'd try and set the scene a bit more and have one single event to play with for awhile to get your audience into something they've never seen before, and so they can form some sort of bond with the characters.

I'd MAYBE explore further about the wings. For example, I'd MAYBE have the next character come in say, 'What's that about chicken wing's, bit early for lunch ain't it?'

This is just an EXAMPLE, I'd be trying to come up with something *BLISTERIINGLY FUNNY* or *QUIRKY* to get the show on the road *AND GRAB THE AUDIENCE* to keep them with you. It's new, they've not seen it before, they have the attention span of half a goldfish... they can't wait to channel hop...

Over to you mucker. That's my two pennorth!

Thanks so much, great to get honest feedback.
Sorry about being in the wrong thread.
Time to go back to work
Cheers