Smutcant 15 - 23.2.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to me for winkin'. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - me
1 - 5 - Gappy, Frankie

Your next topic is DRINK, suggested by Playfull.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 23.2.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Playfull
2 - 35 - Gappy
3 - 15 - me
4 - 5 - Crindy, Otterfox, Frankie

Bags I first wank again. Ha! I'm good at it.. I don't believe it makes you cross-eyed tho'

DRINK yeah, tell me about it..

*****

Cap'n Mehearties turned to Cabin Boy Probert Halfpenny, a callow youth, and said,

"I can't take any more of this, come on lad, and let's have that drink in The Flying Fyrkyn.."

The pair entered the pub and were overwhelmed to the point of a thrashing by a wave of supra-noxious 'odours' and 'flavours'. The whole space was thronged in its entirety by Footpads, Ne'er-do-wells and Flibbertigibbets, yes, that's right ..our kinda people.

The Cap'n took it all in with a casual glance but Halfpenny's gaze was immediately fixed upon the back of a huge personage.

'Like the cut of his jib, do yer, lad' said The Cap'n, with a wry grin.

The huge object swore and cussed, belched, spat and vomited, and all achieved simultaneously, or so it seemed. By now Halfpenny had moved within a few feet of the great hulk, and he spurted out, in a voice of bewilderment, horror and genuine endearment,

'Mom, I didn't know you were out of prison!'

The hulk immediately spun about and gushed,

'Probert me boy, oh my love, borrow your old mom a sov or two, I need to grease a sailors pole tonight!'

Halfpenny, a past master at bailing out any and all members of his wayward family, dutifully doled out the coins.

The hulk immediately spun back to her cronies who returned to their gibberish with gases and profanities escaping from every orifice, and twice to the full.

Once again, the monster turned about and uttered oath after oath,

'.. and don't forget fyrkyn Mother's Day, you little **** I reckon 'at oughta be nought less than a turnip short of barrow full..'

Probert Halfpenny basked in the warm glow of his mothers love.

Well done to Playfull for getting 5 points in a comp they didn't enter

Quote: gappy @ 17th February 2018, 11:31 AM

Well done to Playfull for getting 5 points in a comp they didn't enter

View original

If you had seen the poor quality of the sketch i was rushing to try and finish then you would think it was worth five points for me not to post it!

What'm I like? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtRsbMv2TL4

Quote: playfull @ 17th February 2018, 1:35 PM

If you had seen the poor quality of the sketch i was rushing to try and finish then you would think it was worth five points for me not to post it!

View original

JACK: But, the neat part is, he's holding the giant steel girder above his head with one hand.

BOSS: Oh, that is good. Well done, Jack, that's a striking image that really says, "Guinness makes you strong". Nice advertising, well done. What do you have, Stan?

STAN: Alright, picture this: there's an emu type bird, and it's just swallowed a pint of Guinness; but, here's the thing, it's swallowed the glass as well, we can see it stuck in the neck of the emu type bird. It's funny.

MOLLY: It's funny because it's true.

STAN: Actually it's not true, I made it up, but it's funny all the same.

BOSS: It is funny, Stan, so well done on that, but I'm not sure it gives out quite the right message. People, you see, don't consider large landfowl to be particularly incisive judges of a quality beverage.

STAN: I've got some other animals doing very similar things.

BOSS: No, you see, it's animals in general that are the problem. Nobody refers to the beasts of creation for guidance on choosing a pint, great though they may be for fetching sticks, offering thin companionship for unlovable freaks, and getting shot dead for fun in the dark continent. Sorry, Stan, but I think an account of this importance needs something more. What do you have, Molly?

MOLLY: Oh. I'm afraid my idea's sort of similar.

BOSS: Well, never mind, let's hear it.

MOLLY: There's this toucan.

BOSS: [Pause] And?

MOLLY: That's it. There's a toucan.

BOSS: There's a toucan? Is that really an effective advertising campaign, a toucan? Because I'm not convinced it is. Molly, this would doubtless be listed as record-holder for the worst advert ever pitched, if only somebody had created a book in which to collate world records. Which they haven't, as yet.

MOLLY: Yes, but-

BOSS: No, but. Where's your angle, woman? You see, Jack's ad was excellent, it clearly said that Guinness is good for you. Now, obviously, that's a lie, alcohol is a mild poison, but he still said it simply and concisely. Stan's ad wasn't very good, but at least it made it clear that Guinness might be enjoyed by inobservant zookeepers and their cassowaries. Your ad doesn't do anything but acknowledge the existence of toucans.

MOLLY: I could put some Guinness in the picture, too, if it would help.

BOSS: Yeah, it sort of might. So where?

MOLLY: Near the toucan.

BOSS: Near the toucan?!

MOLLY: Alright, on the toucan, then.

BOSS: Don't be ridiculous, that's completely unacceptable; it's an advertising image of so little value, I don't even believe that people would still be reproducing it in 80 years. No, sadly, although I told the Guinness family that this campaign would be ready by the end of the week, I fear I'm going to have to ask them to wait.

MOLLY: They wait. It's what they do. Tick follows tock follows tick f-

BOSS: Oh, shut up, you imbecile.

Only half my students turn up. But it's okay: I'm a class half-full, not class half-empty kinda guy.
I don't like sailing in water round a castle, it's a moat point.
Spare a thought for those with only a glass of water and crust of stale bread. And say so what? No one forces 'em to be supermodels.
I took my pet horse to the pub with Sir Walter Scott but she wasn't thirsty. You can lead a horse to Walter...
That water never changes. It's still water.
What does an optician drink from? Glasses.
What's the difference between my bladder and O J Simpson's defense? My bladder MIGHT hold water.
The thing about becoming an alcoholic is you don't realise it's happening to you. You're too pissed.
You're at the party in spirit? I'm here WITH spirits.
I thought David Bowie overcharged me in the pub. He said, No, it's in your hand. - What is? - ChchchCHANGE IS.
Mel C's video just leaked. So did I when I saw it.
Sorry for all the drink puns if they're not your cup of tea.
I have a sink in my room, so in the morning I don't have to get to the toilet. Still gotta wipe my ass after though.
I persuaded my mother my jizz tastes good. She swallowed it... My dad said his dick tastes good. Don't worry, I took it with a pinch of salt... My mother's writing her fellatio memoirs, should be a blow-by-blow account. Favourite bit, 'I can't choose between Africans or Eskimoes, so I blow hot and cold.' She took all the swearing out: the editor said, You better wash yer mouth out after all that.

LIAM: You're here then?

NOEL: I've been here a f**king hour.

LIAM: That's because you don't have any thing else to do.

NOEL: I'll do you if you like?

LIAM: So it's starting already?

NOEL: Look, sit down, drink your drink and let's get this done. I don't want to be here just as much as you don't.

LIAM: Well that doesn't scan does it. I see you wordsmithery hasn't improved...

NOEL: Wordsmithery?

LIAM: Word twatery any better for you? You've got me a drink?

NOEL: Yeah, I ordered it about 20 minutes ago when I first saw you trying to get your f**king massive head in through the door.

LIAM: No problem bro, if you could fit your fat arsed ego in. What drink did you get me?

NOEL: A pint of piss with a piss top.

LIAM: It looks like it.

NOEL: No really, I paid the waiter a hundred quid to piss in a glass. Then I paid the ginger kid collecting glasses a hundred to put a top on it.

LIAM: Ginger...nice touch. Why the f**k did you do that?

NOEL: Cos they don't sell poison.

LIAM: You could always use your lyrics - they always killed me to sing them.

NOEL: Drink your piss..

LIAM: Give it your mother...and put her out of her misery.

NOEL: We have the same mother you f**kwit!

LIAM: Oh yeah...shall we get this meeting started?

NOEL: My management insist we re-form Oasis and tour.

LIAM: So do mine.

NOEL: We would make a fortune.

LIAM: It would be f**king huge.

NOEL: F**king massive.

LIAM: It could be fun.

NOEL: Just like old times...

LIAM: You want to do it?

NOEL: F**k no, you?

LIAM: F**k no

NOEL: Same time next year?

LIAM: Yep.

NOEL: And Liam?

LIAM: Yeah what?

NOEL: Don't forget your drink.

Playfull just pipsqueezes it.

"A pint of piss with a piss top" made me laugh a lot, and I did like the little piece of fiction (we don;t have much narrative stuff n the comp), but overall I'm going Monkhouse this week.

Very hard to choose this week, all good, enjoyed reading all (except mine, don't you find you just see the bits you can't get right?)

GAPPY only just, but he's the geezer.

I've always thought to do something with the Guinness Girder...

Gappy's cutting dismantling of an entire industry for me. I often look at adverts and wonder how the f**k did they pitch that!

Quote: Frankie Mildly Perturbed @ 17th February 2018, 6:22 AM

I don't believe it makes you cross-eyed tho'
.

View original

Masturbation makes you blind. Especially if you jizz in your eye.
Results coming and so is my mother.